Tonight I was listening to Sanctus Real's song "Lead Me" and I feel like it was the story of my life. I listened to the story behind the song which blew me away. On YouTube. It made me sad. I so wanted my husband to be a spiritual leader and he wasn't. I guess I was used to the man being that role. My dad is the spiritual leader of not only his marriage to my mom but of our family. So I was sitting here, listening to this song just an hour after my counselor told me that I seemed really happy. I was sitting here and the tears welled up and I just started crying again.
I seriously have been happier in the last couple months than I have been in many many years. God has changed me, from the inside out. I'm still a work in progress....there is much that still must change. At first, when this all happened I felt like it was happening TO me. I guess that I feel like it's happening WITH me. God has used my heart for Him to change me, from the inside out. He has created me to become an even better, more committed mother. He has given me courage, man, serious courage to face down what would have once leveled me. Now I look at the things I face with an attitude of "lets see what God's going to do!" The truth is, God has led me, provided for me, each and every time. Around every bend. In the dark times when I did not think that I could go on and in the times of extreme joy and relief. He was and is there with me for all of that.
Sitting here listening to Francesca Battestelli. I like her music; I relate and resonate to her lyrics.
I'm excited for my future. God has a plan for me....I'm beginning to see glimpses of what it might be and I'm very excited. One of the first things that I'm going to do is move to a new place next month. It will be a challenge because it will be smaller but I'm kind of looking forward to that too - less for me to maintain so maybe I can do it better and keep a more organized home. I would really like that and I know my kids would too.
I feel like my heart has come back to life. I think for many years my heart was fractured, even part of it was removed/pulled away. Disengaged. That is what happens when you step on my heart over and over for years. I pulled away in a self protective bubble, literally feeling like I was being attacked. Not physically, just mentally. My already fractured heart was then completely broken when my husband filed for divorce. It rocked my world, turned everything I believed about people upside down. I no longer knew who I could trust so my heart pulled in further, to protect it.
Throughout this time I kept going to counseling and I kept talking about all this "stuff" It was hard, I would often leave counseling feeling like I'd been run over by a pickup truck. Sometimes there were good things to report, sometimes hard things to report. Sometimes I didn't want to talk but I did anyway because I knew it was good for me. There were times that I felt like the only person I was really talking to was my counselor and one of my family members who will remain nameless but I love you! (smack-kiss)
How does one navigate through a divorce with grace? My only goal through this was to live out my life in a way that honored God THROUGH the pain and hurt. That even my brokenness could glorify my Heavenly Father. That was my heart's wish.
Part of me is scared, part of me is excited and a lot of me is happy these days. Yes, you will often find me laughing and SMILING, this act you do with your mouth that shows joy. I even smile a lot now. It's cool. I feel like I am getting some of what made me ME back. Funny, it has taken an old friend to remind me of who I really am. It's neat how God can use people in your life for good. And how Satan can use people to destroy.
Tonight I just have happiness. God is doing things. He's moving, can you feel it in your life?
No comments:
Post a Comment