God is Good

This morning I started out frustrated and angry, mainly at my printer.  I eventually got it working and then found a couple of places I wanted to call on or go see.

I went to the first place, decided it was suitable, in good area and in budget and then just signed the lease.  I'm so glad to have a plan.  Paid pet deposit and apartment deposit.  That felt good.

Then had lunch with a friend which was fun.  Nice to feel human again; have friends to hang out with, talk about life with.  I've realized that my life has been so empty, even for years.  When I was married I didn't really have many friends outside of my married life.  We didn't even have married friends to hang out with. We had the kids then rarely went out as a couple.  Although I loved my new role as a mom I mourned the loss of my love.

So  now I am beginning anew.  New life, new location to live in, new neighborhood, new opportunities for change and growth.  Starting anew is a good thing.  Sometimes beginning anew means taking chances, opening yourself up to others when you've been so closed down, shut down, for years.  I was hurt so deeply and over such a long period of time that I did shut down emotionally.  It's what you do when you feel you're under attack.  It is not, however, any way to live a life.

I sometimes think that I've waisted the last ten years but when I do that I have to sharply remember that that is simply  not true.  I was blessed with two amazing creatures that I call my children on here. They are my legacy of those years, not the hurt.  And it's because of them that I have the courage to step up, become strong and LIVE LIFE, boldly, strongly.  So although I am not going to have a husband anymore (or at least not that one!), I take comfort in the fact that God did indeed give me my heart's desire - my children.

So I press forward, trusting God that He will provide for me in very real ways.

God is preparing me for something, for someone even.  It is weird but it has to be God changing me, giving me courage to step out, to be open.  I can honestly say that I am ready to love again.  I am ready to love and be loved and that scares me but living, really radically living, can be scary.  I am ready to walk hand in hand with someone who I care for.  I am ready to let someone into my heart and into my life.  (okay did I just type that?????)  Yep, I think that I did.

What has happened to me?