Today was one of those days that was just really really long. Work was hard, I wound up with the grumpiest military member of the year and will for sure have to talk with him tomorrow and I'm dreading it. Sometimes my field isn't fun. Today it wasn't fun...it wore at me.
I feel like I became the grump monster earlier today and hope that I didn't hurt a friend's feelings. Sometimes having friends is hard when they require complete honesty. I'm not saying that I'm a liar, I'm just saying that sometimes being honest with others is scary. I have some people that I am completely honest with and I can count them on one hand. Adding people to that mix is scary and does not come easily to me.
I feel like I am failing in every area of my life sometimes. Just one of those days I guess. Tomorrow will be better. Once in a blue moon I get blue. I am used to being the consumate encourager....but sometimes this encourager needs encouragement. I am my children's biggest supporter, the loyalist of friends, the sounding board for some and sometimes I just run out of fuel. I'm out of fuel. I want to crawl in the corner so that I can deal with my own problems. Actually tonight they feel like they have just floaded upon me.....and I just need to deal with them or get out of the way.
Unbelievable stress sometimes causes me to short circuit! Even though I trust God with all of my heart I still struggle with worry. I worry about being able to provide for my family. I worry about having enough money to move. I am WORRIED today. This does not happen to me very often....but occasionally my humanity comes to the surface and I worry. I'm human.
When is it going to be MY turn to be happy? I have been so unhappy for so many years that when I feel a little happiness I freak out and go running in the other direction. Feeling happy is foreign. I mean, I want it but it requires a whole new level of honesty and that FREAKS ME OUT a little bit. Sometimes I wonder why I write. I make little sense but it is the one thing that I do for just me. Writing here helps me heal.
Could it be that I am afraid to be happy? That I got used to being unhappy and that the idea of being really truly openly happy freaks me out? Easier to shut self off than to be vulnerable. Easier to close down feminine side of me to succeed in the work world. Feel like I'm trapped inside this body and feel that body is keeping me from one thing that I want. Frustrating.
Tonight I struggle but I know that God's mercies are new every morning. Perhaps tomorrow I will be showered in God's mercy and goodness again. And I will get out of my own way and let heart be open to new things.
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