The title of "ex" : join or disengage?

Day two of new life (unmarried, divorced life).  I hate the term divorced.  I don't like to hear people talk about their ex-husbands or ex-wives.  I hate the terminology.  But if I say the kid's dad then people may not think I was married when I had them and risk being misunderstood and having poor morals.

So I suppose that I will have to join the ranks of the exs.  I go there unwillingly and with reservation.

Last night I told my oldest about the divorce being final.  He/She said "that's sad."  Then I talked about how good God is to take care of us and he/she even gave me an example of how God provided for us in a real way.  I think that he/she understood the sadness and tiredness I had AND the hope.

Today I felt the stress start to lessen.  I've got to get through this next weekend.  Then make it to Christmas.  Then MAYBE then I will be able to get into a groove.  Figure out what Phase II is going to look like.  Pray about what God has for me in Phase II.

I'm still tired.  I should get to bed.  I had to get up early this morning to make lunches and get the kids ready for school (I love it - I am not complaining).  One forgot some clothes so I went back and boy was she/he happy!

God will make a way.  He always does.  He owns the cattle on a thousand hills and He will care for me.

Done. Finis. Over.

It's done.  Marriage is over.  Attorneys and judge signed a document and we are no longer married.  Two years of hell on earth and today it's over.  I want to say that I feel relieved and I do.  I wish that I could feel more positive but I don't.  When I see my former husband tearing up as we wrapped up I wondered: is it from relief or does he also feel like me?  Like how the heck did we get here?

Tonight the sadness has hit.  I did good all day, didn't cry until just now when I had to talk to family about it all.  Now the tears are starting to flow.  I'm thankful to not have the kids here tonight.  I sure wish that I could have talked to them but they were probably talking to their grandma.

I need sleep.  I'm WORN DOWN to the core.  I did my budget today and I can't even afford to store my things.  Wish that I didn't have medical expenses.

I am not sure how I am going to afford to live.  I did another budget today and I was like: that is less than I make.  Take alimony out and I can't afford to live.

Gotta keep trusting God to care for me like He has.  Just hard 'cuz tonight I feel down.   I saw in the parking lot at the court house praying for a miracle that didn't come.

I have nothing positive to say tonight.  I'm worn out, beat down and now I'm just alone.  Somebody try to put a positive spin on that?  Yeah, there isn't one.  IT SUCKS.  Bottom line.  I have lost my family and my husband.

On that note I sign off.  I do not feel like being positive, my optimism is gone and I'm not sure it's returning.  I need to close this down and get some sleep.

Then there came on a song....reminding me....of God's love......just a glimmer of hope in the middle of this darkness.  It's enough to hang on for tonight.  Tomorrow I will get up like usual and press on.

"Saddle up your horses...we got a trail to blaze....lets follow our Leader into the glorious unknown.  This i sa life like no other.  This is the great adventure. We'll travel over  over mountains so high we'll go through valleys below.  this is the greatest journey that the human heart will ever see.  The Love of God will take us far beyond our wildest dreams.  Saddle up your horses."

That song played the night I realized that I could not be married to him anymore.  It is on now.  How fitting.  God's got me covered.

Night.

Blip on the Radar

No words.  Or should I say few words are in my head tonight.  I was just reading over my divorce decree that we'll be discussing and finalizing tomorrow.  So there is a good chance my marriage will legally be over tomorrow.

That reality - the finality of my marriage, the failure, my failure, Our failure.  Going to court tomorrow and the judge will most likely finalize the divorce.  A man will get to separate what God put together.  I still can't wrap my head around the concept of divorce even after two years.  Sure, am I better off without him? Yes, in many ways.  In all ways?  No.  Can we be married?  Probably not.

So I sit here, the tears have finally come.  My nose is already plugged up and I just started crying.  I do not know if any of my family are going to be there tomorrow.  Probably not.  Just a lonely end to a really crappy period of my life.  But I'm not alone; I've never been alone because I've had God walking beside me, often carrying me, through this process.  He's protected me, remade me into this much changed person.  I'm a better mom, person, and I know more about myself and others than I ever did before.  I've learned that people shouldn't count me out when I'm down.  I'm the comeback kid.  I've been knocked down so many times in life that I lost count a long time ago.  With God's strength I keep getting up because to get up is to honor God.  To give up would not be honorable to God.  Things that would have made me lose it before are not just blips on the radar of my life.

"I'm letting go of the life I planned for me and my dreams. I'm losing control of my destiny.  It feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe.  This is a giant leap of faith.  The fear of the unkown beyond my comfort zone."  - Francesca Batistelli.

I've really loved that song ever since I heard it because it was exactly what I had to go through.  I had to let go of the dreams I had for myself and my future and give them over to God, who in turn is giving me new dreams and is drawing me toward Him, and thus, TOWARD a future.

But the bottom line is that it's just really hard.  Tonight is going to be hard.  I'm going to force myself to get some sleep now.  I pray my anxious heart tonight will not keep me up.  It is weird because I'm mostly peaceful but then I have some anxiety tries to creep in.  Tonight I am going to pray one last time and then I'm giving it all back to God.  This is His show...always has been...and will be tonight, tomorrow and the day after that.

At least a fluffy kitty came to visit me.  Not sure where the other one is but she usually sleeps on the other side of my bed so I'll see her.   The fluffy one wakes me up 10 minutes before my alarm every single day.  It's annoying and cute at the same time but hey, 10 minutes of sleep is 10 minutes of sleep.  You know, the past two nights I slept all the way through the night for the first time in over 6 weeks of being in my new apartment.  Hopefully tonight will be another one of those good night's sleep.

Tomorrow is just a blip on the radar. blip blip    blip  b l i p   b    l   i   p

Small Talk, Prayers for the Homeless and the Sweetness of Children

A civil conversation via texting.  Yes I know that sounds funny but it is a good start.

Sitting here, at peace.  Only God can give that kind of peace.  I should be a wreck but I'm not.  I know that God will provide what I need.  He always has, always will.

I need extra sleep so I'm turning in early.  New job going good.  Up early making lunches and driving little people to school....then hurrying to work.

Be impressed.  I took my lunch today and made it for tomorrow.  This is the new, thrifty, broke me.  It fits. I love to cook so now I will just have to learn to eat leftovers at lunch.....and that should stretch my grocery budget.

Time to turn in and dwell on God's gifts, here and away.  Pray for the two most precious gifts He's entrusted me to take care of (my children).  This morning my oldest was thinking about the homeless people and it being so cold, etc.  It was precious.  So we prayed.  I grab every opportunity to bring things to God with them so they can see how much my faith is a part of life and that God cares about what is on our hearts.

So we sat in the car and prayed for the homeless folks and KIDS who do not have a warm home to live in.  The prayers of their hearts must have been a beautiful sound to the Lord's ears.  I know He delights in children coming to Him.  How couldn't He?  After all Jesus said "let the children come to Me."  So we do.  Big and small, we are all His children.

Last Weekend.....Before.....Almost After....

My life has been so wild for so long I don't even know how to describe how it's been and continues.  Crazy would be accurate.  Good would be too.  Frustrating would also describe it. Fulfilling sometimes. Joyous at times. Frantic at other times. Sad sometimes. Excited about the future all the time.

I am in the last leg of what has been a very long journey.  Sometimes I feel like all the changes are good and sometimes they stress me out.  I mean, really.  I've had multiple positions at the same company and I haven't even been there two years (I'm in my fourth position there).  I'm still in the middle of what has been the most stressful two to six years of my life.

People wonder how I keep going.  I just point them to Jesus because without God's love and strength I would be a goner.  With Him I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  That is a verse that I teach my kids.  Over and over and over.  I hope they hide it in their little hearts and when they are scared or don't feel up to the task before them, they will remember what their mama taught them.  The Bible tells us to hide these words in our heart.  Why?  That we might not sin against thee.  Thee? Yes, most of my BIble memory was done at a school that was very pro King James Version. Lots of thous and thees in that version.  I'm more of an NIV or New American Standard girl now.

So why I am I sitting here when I should be sleeping?  It's because I feel this need to express myself and a need to point back to God and to give HIM praise for what He is doing and continues to do for me.  Lately my financial circumstances have changed and now things are going to be well, tight, for a long time.  I'm not sure I will be able to do it with two kids and all but my sister in law reminded me that I just need to trust God for it.  So I am.  I just prayed last night and asked God to provide just what I need financially and to care for me through this time.

I'm sitting here listening to the song "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North and it might as well be my story.  "You are more than the choices that you've made. You are more than the sum of your past mistakes. You are more than the problems you create. You've been remade."

"She can't shake the feeling that it's not true tonight. Don't you know who you are?"

For many years I let my self esteem be dictated by someone who was well, a dictator.  Instead of drawing my worth from my God, from the amazing gift of His son, I let this person, this man tell me things that were not true about myself, year after year.  I didn't even realize it was happening to me.  Slowly I lost who I was, the things I valued, the interests I used to have, everything.  I CHANGED and not for the better.  I had been whittled down into what felt like a lesser woman.

Two years later I still struggle with issues of self esteem.  I fight a body that won't cooperate with my desire to be thinner.  My thyroid disease keeps me constantly frustrated at my appearance.  The tapes in my head play sometimes and now instead of listening and believing them I fill my mind with verses, songs, worship, praise. Others. My children.

You see I've been set free.  You wouldn't have guessed that I was a captive but in a way that's very much what it felt like to live with someone who psychologically abuses you.  I've been set free from him.  In a unique way.  Although I did not desire a divorce, he was the one to file.  This was his plan.  Although I wish it weren't so I'm days away from being legally severed from this man.  It still hurts like crazy.  You see, I'm a very loyal person and when I gave my vow to him I meant it.  It doesn't matter anymore.  We're past that.  Now I sit here on the Saturday before my divorce will probably be decreed, thinking and pondering many things.

I think about how much I've gone through and that I've been through the fire and have come out the other side, a purer metal.  All the invaluable has been burned away and I am now made of the finest gold.  You see, God set me free.  He set me free from a bad situation and here I am.  Thankful, happy and sad all rolled into one.

When I was small I always had this feeling that God had something really big planned for me to do or to be.  As I've gotten older I still have that pie in the sky view of life and that is what makes me ME.   The eternal optimist even in the worst of times and situations.  You see, it is God who put that optimism in me.  It is He who gives me what I need, and meets my needs.  He has radically changed me in the past 5 years, the past two especially since I've been on my own.  He has taken me from beaten down abused wife to a woman who believes she is fearfully and wonderfully made in God's image.  I no longer look to what others say or think about me to measure my worth because I know my worth - it is as a child of God.

God's greatest treasure is the treasure of you - Steven Curtis Chapman song.  I love that song.  The God of the universe created us, and we are the apple of His eye.  Since becoming a parent I have come to understand God's love for us as our Heavenly Father.  It is such a wonderful metaphor, but also a very real reality.  As crazy I am about my two children, God feels like that about ME.  How cool is that?  And even more perfectly because God can love perfectly.

It's getting late and I should sleep.  Tomorrow is filled with holiday baking with my children and fun to be had making memories that I hope will last a lifetime (or at least until next week).  Note to self: take pictures tomorrow.

So if you are doubting your worth tonight, remember WHO you are in Christ if you are a Christian.  If you do not know Jesus as your savior, this amazing relationship is waiting for you to say YES.

So maybe I'm nieve thinking that I was created for something great.  Perhaps I'm already doing it (being a mom!).  Perhaps God's got more plans for me too.  I will follow wherever He leads me.  Won't you follow Him too?

Started It Finally!

I've felt for a long time now that God is leading me to write my story down in the form of a book.  I've been told by numerous people that I should do this, that I have not only a voice but something to say.

Tonight I actually started it.  It might take me a whole lifetime to write or it might just pour out of my heart onto the "page" on my laptop.  I do not know.  I just feel like there are a lot of women, Christian women, who might find themselves in similar circumstances and there is not a lot of help or encouragement for them.

I want to write a book about pain, God's grace, and the purpose of pain in our lives.  Oh, and a whole lot of other things.  (maybe a sequel?)

Who knows what will come of it?  God does and has a plan.   I got distracted so didn't get much done.  I figure it will be a labor of love and that if I love it, I will not mind working on it.

God's got a plan for me.  So I try something where I feel He's leading.....and we'll see if this is indeed from Him.  If it is He'll bless the project and my involvement with it. We'll see.

Already it's getting late and morning and my new job dawns early.  God, give me strength for the week ahead. Go before me.

Beaten but not Broken

Today I rested.  People don't seem to realize that if I do not rest on the weekends I can barely keep up to the demands on my heart, life and work.

So I did what my body needed.  I rested.  I took two naps.

I waited all day to call my children.  So I do.  It rings twice and it goes directly to voicemail.  Pretty sure their dad has it programmed that way.  I left them a message (not him) and asked that their dad help them call me before they go to bed.

I sit here. Mad. Alone. And a maniac has my children.  He has another thing coming - me.  For I will be coming for my children and I do not plan to play fair.   I will use whatever I have at my disposal to demonstrate just what type of person he is and why he is not fit to be their primary caregiver.

I also sit here a Christian.  And a mom.  I have to do what is in the kids best interests....no matter what or how hard.  I don't know if that means to live and let live or to go down fighting for them.  I feel on one hand that I've been discouraged from pursuing them.  Everyone has this strategy, etc.  I feel like it's a bunch of crap.  I want my kids.  I want them here.

I don't understand but I serve a God that is infinity wise and omnipotent.  I know that on one hand and the other hand cries out to Him in hurt and pain over my children not being with me and there seems to be this silence from on high.  That is what I do not understand about my Lord.

I feel like I've taken a beating and I feel beat down.  The attempts at control and abuse continue even though we are no longer living in the same house.  My oldest told me something his/her dad told me that he said to him/her and it literally made me want to either cry or go to bat for this little person.

So tonight I will just pray.  For my younguns.  That God will watch over them until they can be here with me again.  Tomorrow I need to clean the kitchen, get it ready for the troops and all the holiday cooking we'll be doing next week and weekend.

So if you're among my three readers, say a prayer for this beaten down mom.  Pray that she can remember just who she is in the Lord and that God will empower her to do what is in front of me.  Give me wisdom, God, to know what to do for my little ones.  Give me wisdom to know how to be the mom they need.  I was asking my oldest what he/she remembered about being little. About me.  We talked about the way things used to be....the things that bound us together in a way their dad will never have.  I said something about wanting to be a good mom and he/she asked "you don't think you're a good mom?"  I said, "I hope that I am."  "You're a great mom.  I wouldn't change a thing!"

I am not giving up.  God promises to be with the brokenhearted and He is with me now as He is every day.  I WANT MY CHILDREN BACK.  All I have to say is their dad has greatly underestimated my resolve.  And my will to survive.  And to thrive, despite anything he is throwing at me.

Someday I hope these little people know how very much I love them and what I do and would do for them.  I want them to know their mama would do anything on the face of this earth for them.  That's what mamas do.  They go to the end of the world and back for you.  Again and again.