Lord, I need More Wisdom

I got a nice nap today until my dad called in the middle of it but I still got 2.5 hours and it was heavenly.  It was just what I needed. I talked to the insurance lady, my attorney and my doctor's assistant all in one morning. Still haven't heard about the job but they are announcing it until the 22nd.

Doctor changing my meds AGAIN, hoping to help me feel better. I do hope so. Tomorrow I start back at 5 hours a day. For one more week. So I figure that I'll take a lunch after 3 hours come home take care of dog, then go back for 2 hours.  I have the kids this weekend and need to hit the grocery store tomorrow.  I made my list the other day.

Tonight I'm just feeling under the pile a little bit. I'm hoping the med adjustment can help me feel better.

I also really hope they give me the job I applied for at work if that is what God wants for me. I really want this job - it would be salaried and potentially pay more than what I make now.  Plus it is a department and skill set that is transferable.

The rain is coming. This would be the first time it's rained and I have to take the dog out. Fun. Going to need to have multiple umbrellas. One for car, one or two for here. Towels. Stuff I don't have tonight. Hoping little dude makes it through the night without any accidents.

Just feel like I have a lot going on right now. More chances to trust God, to lean on His strength and not mine. To pray for peace and health. I need the return of my health in a real way. I'm either going to get worse or better, and if I get worse I could lose my job and that would not be good. It took so long to find this job. To lose it for health reasons would stink.

So if you're following this please continue to pray for me and for my health. Pray for my kids. Pray for wisdom for me. I need more wisdom.

Came up for air to get clobbered again

I feel like I just came up for air, that I was feeling good, better than ever. Then I got clobbered. Not feeling so hot anymore, working on that with doctor, it seems we're always adjusting something in order to keep this breakable body of mine working. Honestly it gets discouraging. There are many times I wish that I didn't have to spend hundreds of dollars a month on meds and vitamins. But I do. What I spend on meds I could buy a new car for. That type of thing is frustrating.

Then I am doing great, get a new dog who is the best thing that I've done for myself in a long time. He's sweet, soft and has a gentle spirit. He keeps running around here bumping his head on the coffee table. He must not have any short term memory.  It's funny. When we spend time together, sometimes he plays but often he takes his cues from me and just lays with his head on my lap. Already filling his soon to be role as a therapy dog.  Bought him a bag of new rawhide treats. Poor thing needed something to EAT other than my papers!

Got the kids coming for the weekend. Looking forward to that. Need to plan meals, buy food. Plan activities. I was going to take them to a movie last time but it was PG and I thought both parties weren't doing PG, well I was wrong so guess what once again mom is the bad mom and dad is the hero. Big surprise. I'm so sick of this crap. Sick of his games and crap. Sick of him. It is amazing that I ever loved this man who has hurt me so long and so deeply. My anniversary just passed, my first one not being married and I didn't even remember! ha That shows how far I've come.

Two and a half weeks and I get to take my starter earrings out (just got my ears re-pierced). I CANNOT WAIT to buy some hot earrings.

Meanwhile I am struggling with one of my meds and the weight gain it causes. Frustrated to say the least. People have so many things to offer, I know they have good intentions but frankly if they haven't walked in my shoes they have no idea and do not know.

Tonight I just am. Not good and not bad really. Discouraged a little bit. Overwhelmed a little bit. Alone. A lot. Glad to have my furry pal. Pray for this girl as she negotiates through life.

I need more energy. I need to feel better.

Thankful

This morning on my way to work I was in a traffic accident. My car was beat up pretty bad on the front but the other lady's car was NOT good. Her back axle practically fell off. Both back tires blew or came off of their rims.

I worked until noon then came home and slept four hours straight. I was so tired. I ached too from the impact of the car crash.

Was able to see the kids tonight which was good. Went to BKing which is one child's favorite "food" and I do say "food" in quotes. Not sure it is food.

Played with the dog after dinner, he was sweet now he's tuckered out.

Feeling a little overwhelmed on the car issue but know that it will work out. I will call the insurance lady tomorrow. Contacted my attorney today, waiting to hear back from her.

Tonight I am just tired. Happy to be alive but tired.

Relaxing and Refreshing

I need a house keeper! ha. wouldn't that be nice. Today was the weirdest day. I am working on this project which requires someone else to do something before I can scan hundreds and thousands of documents. Well today she hadn't done it so I sat there for four hours looking busy. It was weird. I backed up my email, cleaned out my documents folder, downloaded some Crock Pot recipes, etc. Weird weird weird.

I then came home and took a great nap. I needed it.  I had hoped to hear back from my doctor today but not yet. Need to adjust some things.  Hopefully tomorrow I can get some answers.

Had a great afternoon. Took time off to rest and relax. I went outside with the dog and hung out, just the two of us, several times.  It was just so nice. I like having a little buddy to trust in and to be trusted for.

He's getting tired, looking for bed. I'll probably head to bed at 9, turn in a little early.

Watching tv tonight was great. Talked to a gal from church and it was so refreshing to speak with someone caring and nice and who understood the rigors of being a single mom. Makes me feel empowered when women pass wisdom along to other women.

Tonight I have peace. I feel good.  Less stress today helped a lot. Amazing how that works. I really have to watch my stress both at work and at home. For me, being with the kids is relaxing and peaceful. I can't wait to see them again.

Tonight I'm giving it all, including myself, back to God's care for another night. Thanking Him for such a wonderfully relaxing and refreshing day.

Reframing My World

Today I realized that I need to re-frame the way that I look at things. Sometimes I feel less enthusiastic about having bipolar disorder. Sometimes I hate it. Today I realized that it has given me this amazing opportunity to meet other people who either have bipolar disorder, or are related to or married to someone with this (sometimes) debilitating disorder.

What to me is a weakness (what I was told for years) is actually a gift, a chance to help others. An opportunity for a new mission field. That's the way I have to look at it.  I will not give into the depression. I will never give up. I will keep on, keeping on, as long as God will have me here on this beautiful place called Earth he created.

When the depression sets in, I begin to doubt myself and the truth is simple: I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I am made and AM the way God intended me to be. In His image. I am writing these words yet they are still hard for me to believe. When you are around people or someone who erodes your self esteem day after day, you begin to doubt who you really are. That is what happened to me.  

Tonight I was reminded of one of my favorite verses: "As far as the east is from the west, so far He has removed our transgressions from us." I am destined to hear this over and over and over and over. Forgiveness is a process. God has already forgiven me for anything that I've done in my past now I have to forgive myself.  I am so harsh with myself and I punish myself for things that I could not control. I blame myself for things that were not my fault. I am unlearning so many things and have been over the last few years.

I feel immensely alone. I feel like my kids were ripped from me, I feel like my family likes me as long as I'm not too much trouble of effect their lives too much. I feel utterly alone. I know in my head that I am not but I FEEL that I am.  I need to spend some time in the scriptures, I need more of Him in me. More grace, more mercy. More of what He promised. He promised so many wonderful things but He never promised that it would be easy. I am a living testament to that.

So if you're on my team, pray for God's tender mercies to land on my heart tonight. I miss my children and talking to them for five minutes for the whole weekend is simply not enough. I feel lost without them. I will never adjust to this darn divorce. I still feel a lot of anger about it all.  Got to let it go. If I don't, it and the other person involved will get in my head and mess with it.  I need to fill my head instead with the things of God.

Grateful. Missing. Heavy. Hearted.

Today was an extremely productive day. I conquered a project that I didn't think that I could and it felt great to do it ON MY OWN. There is such immense pride in doing something on your own and feeling that sense of accomplishment afterwards. Not in a prideful way, but in a good kind of way.  This sense of accomplishment means to me, personally, that I have come so far in this journey of mine. From woman without any self esteem that was good to a woman who truly believes that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Oh what a journey I have begun. I have not ended it and will not until the last breath I breathe and I am in my Savior's arms. Worshipping at the throne of my God, His son my Redeemer.   I'm in no hurry to get there, mind you, but there are days when I am intensely aware that my heart is already in Heaven and my body is just here taking up space. Does that sound odd?  I fear my words do not convey what I truly feel.

Grateful. That is what I feel. I feel like I have a second chance at life and am enjoying it immensely. It is not a walk in the park mind you, it is often very hard and difficult. I struggle with many things and am aware of just how human I am.  I am here by the grace of God and that is all. Sheer determination has played a major part too. When others would have caved I dug in, with God's help, learning to rely on Him in my weakness and for His strength.

Tonight I miss my children immensely. Profusely. More than ever. When they are here, this is home. The rest of the time it is an apartment. They are what make this place a home.  On my weekends without them, when they are with their dad I miss them more than ever.  When they are here, my heart is at peace.

So much on my mind and heart tonight.  Heavy heart, heavy mind. Going to give it all to God as I have absolutely no control over any of it. Tonight I leave it at my Savior's throne. I give myself to Him and to His care.

Shine On

We are beaten, but not cast down. God has won this battle before it even began. I need to remember that on weeks and periods like this. When I feel beaten down by others, not only have "they" won but I'm not letting God win. In reality, nothing that comes across my life that God doesn't allow. That blows my mind. That means the good, the bad, the trials, everything. Like Job, God had to give Satan permission to tempt Job. For me, every thing and every person in my life who is troubling is sent or allowed to be there by  God. Does that mean that I understand it? Nope. Just know it's true.

God works all things for good to them who love Him. ALL THINGS. Not just the good things. ALL THINGS. Each and every thing. Each and every person. Even the ones we dislike. No, disliking people is probably not very Christ like but there are some people who I have a hard time giving to God. Giving the pain of what they do to me back to God. If I let it, it festers inside me and then these people "win" and I lose. I wind up unhappy, controlled and just not a happy camper. When I give even my enemies back to God, it is then that I am my happiest for it is then that I have given up all control to the One who made me. The one who wove me when I was in my mother's womb.

I have been through too much to quit now. There are some who would love to see me fail but I will not fail. I will continue trusting God in the midst of it all. I will continue getting up every time I'm knocked down. I will continue this "fight" called life which is, in reality, just a blessing.

Writing for me is cathartic. It cleanses my soul and is my way to worship and give praise to the One who made me. Beautifully and wonderfully made. With all my many intricacies. I won't joke - I am not an easy person to know, be friends with, be married to. Having bipolar disorder is a blessing and a curse. It is both all wrapped up in one. One on hand, it is a "curse" because every day is hard. I have less energy than some others who do not have this disorder. I will have to take medication for it the rest of my life most likely.   Bearing under the burden of this disorder is very hard, I kid you not.

Would I wish it away? Yes and no. It is part of who I am but it does not define who I am. It is something that I have, that God deemed me to have. Would I wish it away? On many days, when I am feeling weak, the answer would be yes. That is why I call it a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because I believe that who I am is tied to this complicated disorder. It is part of what makes me creative, part of what makes me have deep and intense emotions.

There are days like today that I wish that I could take a short cut through what God is doing in my life. He's put a person in my life who is not going away and is probably never going to change. I can deal with that or be unhappy the rest of my life. I choose to deal with him, deal with it. It's just on moments like tonight I wish that my path were a little easier. I'm blessed in so many things but the burden my heart has gone through is almost more than one soul can bear. This is where the HOPE comes in.  It is when I am at my weakest that God is shining in me the most.

God, I'm weak. Shine on.