So tired

I'm just so tired. Exhausted. Made it through another day, intact. That is always a bonus.  

Learning that people fail you. Over and over again. It is hard to trust, even with friends.  I trust my children, and some of my family. It is too bad it is this way.  My trust was utterly broken and betrayed when my ex-spouse no longer wanted to be married to me.  Frankly it has not been intact ever since. I've become self-reliant in a way while still knowing that my very breath comes from  God and that I control nothing.

I feel like I learn the same lessons over and over and over again. Perhaps that is life. Perhaps that is the Christian journey. Perhaps I am just dunce. Perhaps.

My life feels like it's spinning out of control a little bit and I'm in that space where all you have and all that you can do is trust God, with everything in you.  He alone is trustworthy.

So tired. This gal's calling it a night.

Night all.

All about Priorities - NOT

Frustrated is how I feel. Sometimes those I love and who love me are less than supportive. I mentioned to one family member recently that I felt under the pile and his answer was "it's all about priorities." No, it's not. I'm under the pile because I have bipolar disorder and I'm struggling with depression. I cannot prioritize it away. I take care of myself, I get enough sleep, I care for my children and hold down a full time job. I don't do it all perfectly but who does.

So I will not prioritize. I will feel. I will allow myself to be human and to feel. I think those who do not have something productive to say should not say anything at all.  I get that it is hard to know what to talk to someone who has bipolar disorder and be able to relate to them. Know that I like things like movies, kids, pets, the same things you like. I am NOT my disorder. I am also not a set of priorities.

Nor will I be silent if I'm not feeling good. I am my only advocate. I have no one to help me now that I am divorced. I have no one to rely on other than God. It is just me, all the time and there is no relief in site it seems. My hope comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.

I still get frustrated. People who have what I have are on permanent disability yet I refuse it and keep working and will work until I am no longer able to work.  But it is hard to work full time and do what I do. I admit that. Doesn't mean that I'm stopping anytime soon but people need to understand that having bipolar disorder can be devastating to your life. My heart and mind want to do so many things and I feel trapped in this body that won't "behave" properly. I am going on 18 years of being diagnosed with it.

I will not give up, I will keep on keeping on. I will do my best. Someday when I go meet Jesus I want more than anything to hear Him say "well done my good and faithful servant." I'm probably not going to change the world or do anything dramatic but I do believe God has called me to be faithful as a mom of my children, be faithful in my job, at my church and to my family and friends. God has called me to be faithful in the little things because for me these little things are big things. Living my life with bipolar disorder is doing a big thing. It is being brave enough to keep on keeping on, because of my faith, so that I can continue to do the thing that I love most and that is be a mom to my children.

The kids have got to know I'm different. The oldest is smart enough and old enough to know something. I'll never be a normal soccer mom who hosts sleepovers and throws great parties. I will pledge to love the children with every fiber of my being for the rest of my life. That is my calling and my passion.

Please continue to pray with me and for me as I travel this road that God has for me. It's often not easy, in fact its often very very hard but I will not give up. I will keep on keeping on as long as God will allow me.

I feel buried and I have no help. That is a horrible feeling. My doctor helps but the practical help that I need he cannot do and I cannot ask others to do. Somehow this mom will have to find within herself or within God the strength to do what is necessary. Dealing with ex's is no fun but I am no longer going to be silent. I will do what is best for my children no matter the obstacle.

So pray. Pray for healing for my body and mind. Pray for peace. Pray for ENERGY as that is what I need the most. Pray that the meds will quit causing weight gain and I can go back down to where I was. It's like a terrible blur of things all stirred together like a tornado in a glass.  Yet, having said that I know that God is faithful to complete the work He began with me until completion.  

Hoping that I get this job that I applied for so that I can build up some financial reserves. I have gone through quite a bit of my own money being on FMLA leave and being on an abbreviated work schedule (still not full time yet). I have to trust that God will replenish my finances. The tax man hurt deeply this year. I'm trying to start this business in my spare time but in my spare time I'm so tired it is very hard to do. I keep on doing one or two or three items a day, eventually they'll be online and soon I can open my online store.

So many things hang heavy on my heart tonight. If you are my friend, pray with me. For me.

Lord, I need More Wisdom

I got a nice nap today until my dad called in the middle of it but I still got 2.5 hours and it was heavenly.  It was just what I needed. I talked to the insurance lady, my attorney and my doctor's assistant all in one morning. Still haven't heard about the job but they are announcing it until the 22nd.

Doctor changing my meds AGAIN, hoping to help me feel better. I do hope so. Tomorrow I start back at 5 hours a day. For one more week. So I figure that I'll take a lunch after 3 hours come home take care of dog, then go back for 2 hours.  I have the kids this weekend and need to hit the grocery store tomorrow.  I made my list the other day.

Tonight I'm just feeling under the pile a little bit. I'm hoping the med adjustment can help me feel better.

I also really hope they give me the job I applied for at work if that is what God wants for me. I really want this job - it would be salaried and potentially pay more than what I make now.  Plus it is a department and skill set that is transferable.

The rain is coming. This would be the first time it's rained and I have to take the dog out. Fun. Going to need to have multiple umbrellas. One for car, one or two for here. Towels. Stuff I don't have tonight. Hoping little dude makes it through the night without any accidents.

Just feel like I have a lot going on right now. More chances to trust God, to lean on His strength and not mine. To pray for peace and health. I need the return of my health in a real way. I'm either going to get worse or better, and if I get worse I could lose my job and that would not be good. It took so long to find this job. To lose it for health reasons would stink.

So if you're following this please continue to pray for me and for my health. Pray for my kids. Pray for wisdom for me. I need more wisdom.

Came up for air to get clobbered again

I feel like I just came up for air, that I was feeling good, better than ever. Then I got clobbered. Not feeling so hot anymore, working on that with doctor, it seems we're always adjusting something in order to keep this breakable body of mine working. Honestly it gets discouraging. There are many times I wish that I didn't have to spend hundreds of dollars a month on meds and vitamins. But I do. What I spend on meds I could buy a new car for. That type of thing is frustrating.

Then I am doing great, get a new dog who is the best thing that I've done for myself in a long time. He's sweet, soft and has a gentle spirit. He keeps running around here bumping his head on the coffee table. He must not have any short term memory.  It's funny. When we spend time together, sometimes he plays but often he takes his cues from me and just lays with his head on my lap. Already filling his soon to be role as a therapy dog.  Bought him a bag of new rawhide treats. Poor thing needed something to EAT other than my papers!

Got the kids coming for the weekend. Looking forward to that. Need to plan meals, buy food. Plan activities. I was going to take them to a movie last time but it was PG and I thought both parties weren't doing PG, well I was wrong so guess what once again mom is the bad mom and dad is the hero. Big surprise. I'm so sick of this crap. Sick of his games and crap. Sick of him. It is amazing that I ever loved this man who has hurt me so long and so deeply. My anniversary just passed, my first one not being married and I didn't even remember! ha That shows how far I've come.

Two and a half weeks and I get to take my starter earrings out (just got my ears re-pierced). I CANNOT WAIT to buy some hot earrings.

Meanwhile I am struggling with one of my meds and the weight gain it causes. Frustrated to say the least. People have so many things to offer, I know they have good intentions but frankly if they haven't walked in my shoes they have no idea and do not know.

Tonight I just am. Not good and not bad really. Discouraged a little bit. Overwhelmed a little bit. Alone. A lot. Glad to have my furry pal. Pray for this girl as she negotiates through life.

I need more energy. I need to feel better.

Thankful

This morning on my way to work I was in a traffic accident. My car was beat up pretty bad on the front but the other lady's car was NOT good. Her back axle practically fell off. Both back tires blew or came off of their rims.

I worked until noon then came home and slept four hours straight. I was so tired. I ached too from the impact of the car crash.

Was able to see the kids tonight which was good. Went to BKing which is one child's favorite "food" and I do say "food" in quotes. Not sure it is food.

Played with the dog after dinner, he was sweet now he's tuckered out.

Feeling a little overwhelmed on the car issue but know that it will work out. I will call the insurance lady tomorrow. Contacted my attorney today, waiting to hear back from her.

Tonight I am just tired. Happy to be alive but tired.

Relaxing and Refreshing

I need a house keeper! ha. wouldn't that be nice. Today was the weirdest day. I am working on this project which requires someone else to do something before I can scan hundreds and thousands of documents. Well today she hadn't done it so I sat there for four hours looking busy. It was weird. I backed up my email, cleaned out my documents folder, downloaded some Crock Pot recipes, etc. Weird weird weird.

I then came home and took a great nap. I needed it.  I had hoped to hear back from my doctor today but not yet. Need to adjust some things.  Hopefully tomorrow I can get some answers.

Had a great afternoon. Took time off to rest and relax. I went outside with the dog and hung out, just the two of us, several times.  It was just so nice. I like having a little buddy to trust in and to be trusted for.

He's getting tired, looking for bed. I'll probably head to bed at 9, turn in a little early.

Watching tv tonight was great. Talked to a gal from church and it was so refreshing to speak with someone caring and nice and who understood the rigors of being a single mom. Makes me feel empowered when women pass wisdom along to other women.

Tonight I have peace. I feel good.  Less stress today helped a lot. Amazing how that works. I really have to watch my stress both at work and at home. For me, being with the kids is relaxing and peaceful. I can't wait to see them again.

Tonight I'm giving it all, including myself, back to God's care for another night. Thanking Him for such a wonderfully relaxing and refreshing day.

Reframing My World

Today I realized that I need to re-frame the way that I look at things. Sometimes I feel less enthusiastic about having bipolar disorder. Sometimes I hate it. Today I realized that it has given me this amazing opportunity to meet other people who either have bipolar disorder, or are related to or married to someone with this (sometimes) debilitating disorder.

What to me is a weakness (what I was told for years) is actually a gift, a chance to help others. An opportunity for a new mission field. That's the way I have to look at it.  I will not give into the depression. I will never give up. I will keep on, keeping on, as long as God will have me here on this beautiful place called Earth he created.

When the depression sets in, I begin to doubt myself and the truth is simple: I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I am made and AM the way God intended me to be. In His image. I am writing these words yet they are still hard for me to believe. When you are around people or someone who erodes your self esteem day after day, you begin to doubt who you really are. That is what happened to me.  

Tonight I was reminded of one of my favorite verses: "As far as the east is from the west, so far He has removed our transgressions from us." I am destined to hear this over and over and over and over. Forgiveness is a process. God has already forgiven me for anything that I've done in my past now I have to forgive myself.  I am so harsh with myself and I punish myself for things that I could not control. I blame myself for things that were not my fault. I am unlearning so many things and have been over the last few years.

I feel immensely alone. I feel like my kids were ripped from me, I feel like my family likes me as long as I'm not too much trouble of effect their lives too much. I feel utterly alone. I know in my head that I am not but I FEEL that I am.  I need to spend some time in the scriptures, I need more of Him in me. More grace, more mercy. More of what He promised. He promised so many wonderful things but He never promised that it would be easy. I am a living testament to that.

So if you're on my team, pray for God's tender mercies to land on my heart tonight. I miss my children and talking to them for five minutes for the whole weekend is simply not enough. I feel lost without them. I will never adjust to this darn divorce. I still feel a lot of anger about it all.  Got to let it go. If I don't, it and the other person involved will get in my head and mess with it.  I need to fill my head instead with the things of God.