Always an adventure in my life. I got put on a new medication last night and it kicked my butt a little bit. I ended up going home from work to rest this morning and afternoon. I'm dreading going back tomorrow.
Waiting to hear from my doctor on what dose is right. I am going off what he said yesterday, not what the bottle says. What he said is less and I suppose he'll titrate me up to the right level of medication. I just gotta be able to work while doing it.
I had a good meeting with my counselor tonight. We talked about a many things and she helped me to look at some things differently. A lot of things she agreed with me on. It was good.
Tomorrow I hope to return back to work and feel good. It could happen! :-)
I'm the eternal optimist....tomorrow's a new day with no mistakes in it yet. God grants us a clean slate each and every day if we're His children. Not many people can say that and understand how amazing that is. Every day I get to enjoy what Jesus did on the cross - take the punishment for my sin and offer forgiveness. I'm forgiven! That's grace man. Amazing grace.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Mr. Depression and a Thorn in my Side
This has been the longest day. Depression has followed me around today like an unwelcome friend. I couldn't shake it all day. Did everything that I usually do: prayed, took a nap, played with animals, saw a movie, hung out. Still depression has landed on me like a cloud, a dark cloud. An ominous severe thunderstorm warning with a threat of tornados. That is what I feel like.
Mildly comforted by some new clothes, sandals and flip flops purchased oh and a new purse. All of which I needed for work. I with you got a work allowance for clothing. That would be great.
I have some big decisions to make regarding my health and how I'd like to handle this. Harder when there are kids and animals involved. Doctor is going to treat me outpatient but that is hard and I won't get much face time with him. My new insurance really stinks. I was so disappointed on Friday when I learned about my lack of benefits. My company most likely wrote a policy disallowing the type of treatment I got last year in order to save some money. I get that. But it still sucks.
Tomorrow my doc wants me to go back to work. I do not feel up to it but I have a feeling if I want to save my job that I will be there, early, work through lunch and put in a good day's work. I'm extremely lacking in the energy department as Mr. Depression (think that's what I'm going to name my depression) has sucked all the joy out of me.
If you are a reader, please say a prayer for me. Pray that I can conquer this round of depression with some dignity and grace and that ultimately the Lord will be glorified, even in my weakness. Especially in my weakness. I so relate to Paul wanting his "thorn in his side" removed. Lord would you consider removing my thorn in the side? Not my will but thine be done.
goodnight
Mildly comforted by some new clothes, sandals and flip flops purchased oh and a new purse. All of which I needed for work. I with you got a work allowance for clothing. That would be great.
I have some big decisions to make regarding my health and how I'd like to handle this. Harder when there are kids and animals involved. Doctor is going to treat me outpatient but that is hard and I won't get much face time with him. My new insurance really stinks. I was so disappointed on Friday when I learned about my lack of benefits. My company most likely wrote a policy disallowing the type of treatment I got last year in order to save some money. I get that. But it still sucks.
Tomorrow my doc wants me to go back to work. I do not feel up to it but I have a feeling if I want to save my job that I will be there, early, work through lunch and put in a good day's work. I'm extremely lacking in the energy department as Mr. Depression (think that's what I'm going to name my depression) has sucked all the joy out of me.
If you are a reader, please say a prayer for me. Pray that I can conquer this round of depression with some dignity and grace and that ultimately the Lord will be glorified, even in my weakness. Especially in my weakness. I so relate to Paul wanting his "thorn in his side" removed. Lord would you consider removing my thorn in the side? Not my will but thine be done.
goodnight
Walking Through the Fire
It's Sunday. I woke up early this morning but felt rested. Today I take my dog to our training class. Then I plan to take a nap and do some cleaning.
As frustrating as this week has been it has unveiled an unexpected blessing that I can't go into. It came in the form of amazing peace over a decision that I had made and an endorsement by someone who knows me well and my situation. What is funny is that I know this could only come from God and He provided it JUST at the right time. I was really struggling with something and to hear what I heard when I heard it was indeed a blessing. How thankful I am for that man and for my God.
I don't know what God's got planned for me. I do know that I'm stubborn and that I am not giving up on anything: life, love, family, nothing. I fall then I get back up with God's help. I fall again then I take refuge under God's shelter. Without God's supernatural strength I would not be here today writing this blog. He has brought me through hell on earth and back to Him. I never understood why I went through what I went through but I do know that it has produced an unearthly strength that only comes when you've walked through the fire.
God has taken what the world would have thrown away (me) and has re-made me into a woman more and more like Himself. This amazing strength has come at great price to me personally but now I know why I need it. I am well equipped to be my children's mother BECAUSE of going through that fire. Because I have bipolar disorder I am uniquely qualified to be a mother, to be THEIR mother. When past people said it was a bad thing, I beg to differ. No one on the face of this earth is more qualified to be a mom than I am. I walked through that fire in order to be their mother. And I'm not going anywhere.
As frustrating as this week has been it has unveiled an unexpected blessing that I can't go into. It came in the form of amazing peace over a decision that I had made and an endorsement by someone who knows me well and my situation. What is funny is that I know this could only come from God and He provided it JUST at the right time. I was really struggling with something and to hear what I heard when I heard it was indeed a blessing. How thankful I am for that man and for my God.
I don't know what God's got planned for me. I do know that I'm stubborn and that I am not giving up on anything: life, love, family, nothing. I fall then I get back up with God's help. I fall again then I take refuge under God's shelter. Without God's supernatural strength I would not be here today writing this blog. He has brought me through hell on earth and back to Him. I never understood why I went through what I went through but I do know that it has produced an unearthly strength that only comes when you've walked through the fire.
God has taken what the world would have thrown away (me) and has re-made me into a woman more and more like Himself. This amazing strength has come at great price to me personally but now I know why I need it. I am well equipped to be my children's mother BECAUSE of going through that fire. Because I have bipolar disorder I am uniquely qualified to be a mother, to be THEIR mother. When past people said it was a bad thing, I beg to differ. No one on the face of this earth is more qualified to be a mom than I am. I walked through that fire in order to be their mother. And I'm not going anywhere.
Friday, June 3, 2011
SM or SuperMom, Insurance Woes and the State of my Union tonight
I learned about how pathetic my new insurance is. Our employer just gave us new insurance, touting it as great and how they kept down costs. Well my premiums on generics went up by $3/each prescription (I take something like 9). Then there are the two name brand ones I take that went from $30/month to $45/month.
Then my specialist copay went from $30 to $50. So my costs for the year have increased by a lot. If I go into the hospital it's $200/day.
So tonight I sit frustrated at not being able to be treated by a program that could have helped me a lot. Instead I have to or am blessed to return to my job in the next couple of days and then see my doctor soon. I do not know how long I will feel bad or if I'll start feeling better tomorrow.
But tonight I just feel let down by my company. We work hard for them and they bought us crappy insurance this year. Perhaps this makes me feel better about that resume that I sent out this morning looking for ANOTHER JOB. I'm getting out of that place.
Until then I'm choosing to let go of the frustration as it serves no one. I'm missing my little people but it was a joy to wake up with them giggling this morning, already dressed and ready for the day. They are stepping up and taking more responsibility around here and it's been great. My oldest drew a picture of me in a dress with SM on the front for SuperMom. ha. Go put that in your pipe, dad, and suck it.
Then my specialist copay went from $30 to $50. So my costs for the year have increased by a lot. If I go into the hospital it's $200/day.
So tonight I sit frustrated at not being able to be treated by a program that could have helped me a lot. Instead I have to or am blessed to return to my job in the next couple of days and then see my doctor soon. I do not know how long I will feel bad or if I'll start feeling better tomorrow.
But tonight I just feel let down by my company. We work hard for them and they bought us crappy insurance this year. Perhaps this makes me feel better about that resume that I sent out this morning looking for ANOTHER JOB. I'm getting out of that place.
Until then I'm choosing to let go of the frustration as it serves no one. I'm missing my little people but it was a joy to wake up with them giggling this morning, already dressed and ready for the day. They are stepping up and taking more responsibility around here and it's been great. My oldest drew a picture of me in a dress with SM on the front for SuperMom. ha. Go put that in your pipe, dad, and suck it.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Fried Noodles and Calm in the Storm
I feel like my brain is made up of fried noodles. What little intelligence I had left me this morning and has not returned today. Today was the world's longest day or it seemed like it. You know those - everyone has them - they go on and on and you're usually working on some extremely stimulating and interesting work project (yeah right - does ANYONE ever get those) and then your noodles get fried.
I seriously am gonna go to bed and don't laugh - it's like 7:30. My dog's gonna be bummed because that means he'll be in his kennel for FOREVER. Poor baby. Better in there than defacing my house. He's fluffy but he is still a naughty toddler dog. No boundaries. YET. I will win. I will win. If it's the last thing that I do.
Got my giant order of bead earrings tonight and I'm too tired to even work on processing them. I was going to have them be $9.99/each or 2/$18. Now I'm thinking 2/$15. Dunno, maybe try the higher price and then see. I can always change signs as I am not individually pricing them. That would take WAY TOO MUCH TIME. I realized that I have no time. I had the kids for the three day weekend, took them to dad's, then picked them up and they will come here Thursday to spend the night. Then I will have about 3 hours to myself on Friday night to prep my earrings. Heck maybe I'll save them for Saturday. I could sit and unwrap them while no one watches. (complicated)
So seriously this is it, I'm turning in, my goose is cooked and my noodle's fried and I'm DONE for the day. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Plus I'm starting to NOT feel good again and I'm done with this roller coaster. There are times like the last 3-4 months when I've really really hated having bipolar disorder. I do not bounce back from the ups and downs as easily as when I was younger. Now it takes longer, I'm under ten times the pressure and responsibilities.
I long for a day when my life was simpler. Less complex with less problems. I'm not sure what God's teaching me but I must be DUMB because apparently I'm not getting it. So here I go through the wringer again...or that is what I feel like. Reality: most of how I feel is related to bipolar disorder and how it effects my life and my choices and my family.
My new earrings are making my ears itch. Not a good sign. Maybe I'm one of those allergic to nickel and these are filled with nickel? Who knows? The joker knows.....ha ha ha ha ha.
Night all. I remain here for another day, whose purpose has yet to be revealed in me. This morning, in all seriousness, I felt a calling of sorts. I was praying to God over my lunch hour and listening to Christian radio. I realized that my calling is to be the "calm in the storm" to my two children. I may not be able to control the storms in their lives that relate to their dad and me but I can be their calm in the middle of those storms. Tonight that is going to be my new goal: to be my angel's "calm in the storm."
I seriously am gonna go to bed and don't laugh - it's like 7:30. My dog's gonna be bummed because that means he'll be in his kennel for FOREVER. Poor baby. Better in there than defacing my house. He's fluffy but he is still a naughty toddler dog. No boundaries. YET. I will win. I will win. If it's the last thing that I do.
Got my giant order of bead earrings tonight and I'm too tired to even work on processing them. I was going to have them be $9.99/each or 2/$18. Now I'm thinking 2/$15. Dunno, maybe try the higher price and then see. I can always change signs as I am not individually pricing them. That would take WAY TOO MUCH TIME. I realized that I have no time. I had the kids for the three day weekend, took them to dad's, then picked them up and they will come here Thursday to spend the night. Then I will have about 3 hours to myself on Friday night to prep my earrings. Heck maybe I'll save them for Saturday. I could sit and unwrap them while no one watches. (complicated)
So seriously this is it, I'm turning in, my goose is cooked and my noodle's fried and I'm DONE for the day. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Plus I'm starting to NOT feel good again and I'm done with this roller coaster. There are times like the last 3-4 months when I've really really hated having bipolar disorder. I do not bounce back from the ups and downs as easily as when I was younger. Now it takes longer, I'm under ten times the pressure and responsibilities.
I long for a day when my life was simpler. Less complex with less problems. I'm not sure what God's teaching me but I must be DUMB because apparently I'm not getting it. So here I go through the wringer again...or that is what I feel like. Reality: most of how I feel is related to bipolar disorder and how it effects my life and my choices and my family.
My new earrings are making my ears itch. Not a good sign. Maybe I'm one of those allergic to nickel and these are filled with nickel? Who knows? The joker knows.....ha ha ha ha ha.
Night all. I remain here for another day, whose purpose has yet to be revealed in me. This morning, in all seriousness, I felt a calling of sorts. I was praying to God over my lunch hour and listening to Christian radio. I realized that my calling is to be the "calm in the storm" to my two children. I may not be able to control the storms in their lives that relate to their dad and me but I can be their calm in the middle of those storms. Tonight that is going to be my new goal: to be my angel's "calm in the storm."
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Crack of Dawn
This mom's up at the crack of dawn, a little like the Proverbs 31 lady, preparing my household to go to the market to sell things. Last week was my first week and it did not go well. I am hoping it will go better this week since the kids are here and that they will have fun and learn about running a business.
I am giving them 15 more minutes to sleep but they have gotten enough as I put them to bed early. One slept in his/her clothes so as not to have to get ready this morning. I kind of laughed. The other is in jammies and will get dressed here in a little bit.
I am feeding bagels this morning and we're stopping at a quick shop on the way for special drinks (juice, milk, etc). I figure that will motivate the sleepy heads on this early of a morning.
------
Didn't post this this morning. It was a nightmare. I didn't sell a thing. What a collosal waste of time and energy.
I am giving them 15 more minutes to sleep but they have gotten enough as I put them to bed early. One slept in his/her clothes so as not to have to get ready this morning. I kind of laughed. The other is in jammies and will get dressed here in a little bit.
I am feeding bagels this morning and we're stopping at a quick shop on the way for special drinks (juice, milk, etc). I figure that will motivate the sleepy heads on this early of a morning.
------
Didn't post this this morning. It was a nightmare. I didn't sell a thing. What a collosal waste of time and energy.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Profound Silence and Sense of Aloneness
In the middle of the hurt and chaos I just had the most profound sense of God saying to me "I am with you." The tears streamed down my eyes because I was just in the kitchen feeling completely and utterly alone. Then this. I think God speaks to us in many ways: directly, through others, through music, writings, the Bible. Tonight God spoke to my heart and met my deepest need.
I'm physically feeling not like myself, I'll be okay but it's just a rough patch. I don't have anyone to help. I need help cleaning, organizing, etc. but there is just me. I hate being a single parent. I hate it and years later I still hate it. I was not designed to be alone.
Tonight I'm discouraged, angry, frustrated, not feeling good and alone. Utterly alone. But my God has promised to care for me and He is, it's just that sometimes I will admit that I don't always agree with the plan He has for me. I'm rebellious like that.
There is so much more I want to write but I also know that anything I say here is liable to wind up in some court hearing. So why bother? I'm fairly sure my ex has found this site which doesn't surprise me. That is what he does.
I am frustrated because I have no one and no where to voice my feelings to that is safe. Every person, every doctor and therapist can be subpeoned. So who do I really have, really? Can you tell I'm at my wit's end? I'm worn down, worn out, tired of playing this dumb game.
I am not sure how much more my body can take.
I'm physically feeling not like myself, I'll be okay but it's just a rough patch. I don't have anyone to help. I need help cleaning, organizing, etc. but there is just me. I hate being a single parent. I hate it and years later I still hate it. I was not designed to be alone.
Tonight I'm discouraged, angry, frustrated, not feeling good and alone. Utterly alone. But my God has promised to care for me and He is, it's just that sometimes I will admit that I don't always agree with the plan He has for me. I'm rebellious like that.
There is so much more I want to write but I also know that anything I say here is liable to wind up in some court hearing. So why bother? I'm fairly sure my ex has found this site which doesn't surprise me. That is what he does.
I am frustrated because I have no one and no where to voice my feelings to that is safe. Every person, every doctor and therapist can be subpeoned. So who do I really have, really? Can you tell I'm at my wit's end? I'm worn down, worn out, tired of playing this dumb game.
I am not sure how much more my body can take.
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