Peace

This morning I have peace.  Peace that God will do what God will do with regard to my children.  This week like never before I have to just give them to Jesus and hopes that He gives them to me.  

We had fun yesterday and it was so nice having them here this morning and getting to wake them up.  What joy.  

God please bring my babies back to me.  

I'm a Big Fake

This week has been characterized by great anger.  I'm mad at my spouse who is divorcing me, mad at the lady at the quick store who took my parking spot, and mostly I'm mad at God.  There.  I've said it.  Those unholy words have come out of my lips.  I feel disillusioned and let down.  Disappointed.  I realize that divorce is the result of two people's cumulative mistakes and sins.  Then there is the God who promises to help the helpless and brokenhearted.  Where is that God tonight?  

Where is God when I miss my kids so bad that I sob, tears streaming down my face onto my pillow?  Where is God when I feel that it's too much to bear?  Why is it necessary for me to go through this much pain?  He could spare me but He isn't.  How do I deal with that philosophically?  What do I make of a God who could spare me pain but who seems silent?

I can't even believe that I've uttered these words out loud, or on this digital paper of my blog.  I've shown myself to be a big fake.  Or at least I feel like a big fake today.  Perhaps I'm just being "real", whatever that is!  All I know is that my heart hurts so profoundly that I'm not sure it will ever recover.  I feel betrayed by my spouse.  I feel unloved and unlovable.   I've been cut to the quick.  

Remember Your Chains, part two

"Remember your chains are gone." -Steven Curtis Chapman

Listening to some tunes to try to calm down.  I'm mad, sad and frustrated all at once.  

Nothing calms me like hearing music about God.  Hearing real Christians who struggle and sing about it.   "I've got a couple of dents in my fenders.  Perfection is my enemy.  On your shoulders I can see - I'm free to be me." 

I've no idea if anyone reads this as I've instructed most of my friends not to comment or at least not to write anything identifying.  Someday I'd really like to write a book but I know that I'm far from that.  So right now this is for me, you and whoever else is out there in cyberspace that God's lead to this blog.  

God's love is beautiful.  It's the only thing in my life that I can count on today and tomorrow.  Sure, there are great moments with my children and family but even those moments last only a short while and then you're back at baseline.  My heart is at baseline and I'm waiting for God to fill me up.  

I feel this angst, I want to write more but not appropriate for this venue, at least at this time in my life.  Feeling like I'm being evaluated by those who seek to tear me down and by those who want to keep my children from me.  Don't know who to trust.  Hard to trust when your best friend filed for divorce from you.  I feel like I could probably write volumes about what this has done to my life.

I just cling to what is good and what is from above; that's the only way that I know to get through this incredible pain and hurt.  I cling to God and hug my children and pray He has a future for us.  I'm ready to start the journey, I'm still grieving my loss but I want to move forward or I might forever be stuck here.  I want to move forward toward the idea of hope.  I hope that there is hope.  

I'm rewriting the voice in my head that was put there over time that I'm incapable, unattractive and not worthy.  I'm created in God's image and I know Him to be capable, attractive and most notably, worthy.  My self image came for so long from my husband and now it is coming from God directly into my soul.  I am no longer who I used to be.  I'm free.  Showered in grace at the foot of the cross looking up to Jesus for my hope.

I just want other people to see Jesus in me; for them to see Jesus in me during my hurt and pain and to have my life honor Him during this time.  

God, I'm waiting here, waiting for you.  Then I realize that you are already here with me.  You've never gone anywhere.  Help me to see Your hand in my life and help me to lead my children in the way they should go.

Missing my Home

I miss my house.  Not only am I getting divorced from my spouse, I'm divorcing my home.  The home we labored together in, hour after hour, bringing her into her true glory.  Making her, well, more "us."  Now "us" doesn't matter and my ex has my house, at least for now.  I miss my home.  I nested there.  I had one child while living there.  This is the only home both children remember.  And I'm sitting here at this stupid apartment and he's living there with the kids.  It's hard not to be furious, not to want to scream out loud!  

It's hard to remain hopeful when I do not understand what God is doing in my life.   To trust Him fully with my life even though the human part of me wants to scream "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"  And part of me wants to say "why me?" but then another part says "why NOT me?"  After all, we live in a broken world and we are all broken people.  I'm broken and I was married to a broken man.  

My mind is clearer than it has been in years but my heart is muddy with feelings, some good, some hurtful, some bad.  Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get over this?  Will I ever be able to move on?  How can I "move on" when I don't understand what's happened so far?  

To top it off, my body is hurting.  This morning it hurt from head to toe.  Luckily my new meds helped it.  I feel a cold coming on.  To top off all the other crap I struggle with!  Keeps me human though.  

So if you're one of my friends or family and you're reading this, pray for my heart.  Pray that it will heal in the right time.  Just pray for me and my family.  

Dreaming a Cruel Dream

Last night, right before I woke up I was dreaming about being married, happily.  Then my alarm went off and I woke up and it was not so.  What a way to start the day.  

I've learned that I need not to have any contact with my soon to be ex, for my own well being.  Anytime I try to talk with him about something, or something I need, I end up mad at him because of the poor way I'm treated.  

So I'm letting go.  Like the song says, "I'm letting go of the life I had for me, and my dreams.  I'm losing control of my destiny.  ....."  Why is losing control, even when it is to God, so hard?  I would so like to gladly lose control but instead I grudgingly give Him control often enough.  

My dream feel like a cruel joke.  Maybe it was just my neurons firing here and there.  Maybe it was a mere coincidence.  Maybe it was from God.  Who knows?  All that I know is that my heart hurt this morning.

When is this going to get any easier?   Until I figure out that answer I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  (I hate that expression!)  night night

Black, White and Shades of Grey

Tonight I want to believe that there is hope.  Hope for my future as a woman, a mom, an employee, and a friend.  

Why is it that Christians are so often the most black and white people?  I mean, such black and white thinking is so linear, so well, limited.  I'm not saying that God's word is unclear or isn't black and white, I'm just saying that often life is not black and white.  You can do all the right things and your spouse could still leave you.  Or you could blunder the marriage and your spouse could stay.  Mature Christian parents raise their child only to get a call from jail someday, wanting bail money.  

Mature Christians sometimes struggle with depression.  Many of us struggle the same ways that non-believers do.  Our minds know that God is caring for us, but our bodies and physiology make us depressed nonetheless.

Some of us fail miserably and are blessed with wonderful children and families.  What I know is that God's grace is this amazing blanket of cover that covers us all, the good, the bad and the imperfect.  His love is something the clingy can cling to and the hardened can cling to as well. 

I want to shout out from the tallest building to those who think in black and white.  To shout to them about God's love and to sing a song about God's grace and His ability to forgive, unconditionally for all the times we mess it up.  

I want to shout out to believers to love everyone, whether they are black, white or grey.  To be open to the fact that you might learn something from someone or some situation that is a shade of grey.  Be willing to think in a circle instead of your usual linear line of thought.  

I know enough to know that I've just barely scratched the surface of what is available to us as believers should we embrace God, really embrace Him and be willing to have Him take us wherever He leads.  Unbashedly throwing our wills and our lives over to the care of God as we know Him.  

So tonight I am a grey.  I realize some of you are blacks and some of you are whites.  Know that we are all God's creation...lets love those God has put in our lives radically and in a way that causes others to notice.  I want to love my co-workers to Christ.  I want to lead by example of the way I do business.  I want my work ethic to be representative of God.  

So I'm a grey.  256 shades of grey instead of one black and one white.  God's made me a creative, complicated individual who has a place in His world.  

Makes me Want to be a Better Person

I guess the time has come to start living life.  I've come to the conclusion that there is no "getting over" being married then going through a divorce.  There is just putting your feet in front of the other, moving forward, even if it's just by inches everyday.

I'm tired of hurting.  I'm tired of feeling betrayed and torn in two.  I'm tired of feeling angry.  I'm just tired.  So I am going to pray that God will continue to work in me and will help me do whatever it is that is next.

I'm trying my best to forgive but that's hard to do when you're torn in little pieces, still mourning the death of your most precious relationship.  I'm not sure I know how to do this, to move forward.  When every thing in me screams, go back, "wait!"  I want my life back.  

When I am with my children, my love for them moves me to become a better person.  To be better.  To be Mom with a capital M.  Because they expect and deserve nothing less.  I can't quit, I can't bow out, I choose to be MOM.  Strong, individual, humbled.

I have to find some peace in all of this mess.  To know that even in the mess that God still loves me and I'm resting with Him.   God, grant me wisdom first, then Your peace and Your strength.  Help me to be the kind of woman that my children can look up to.  Help me to have integrity.  Grant me Your peace.  I beg of you.