Feeling Better

After a period of not feeling good and doing a few rounds of antibiotics, I am happy to say that I am feeling good. A couple of med adjustments have helped me to feel better and more like myself and LESS MEDICATED. A very good thing.

I'm open to change and realize that I'm going to have to. I really need to do a top to bottom makeover. From the inside out.

Today was a good day. Like most days I start slow but am ending well. I am starting to let go of some things in one area of my life but in other areas I struggle. I guess that's the plight of being human!

I feel like things are starting to look up but at the same time I worry. I worry that I'll never make enough money to take care of my kids. I worry that I'll not find the right apartment. I worry that I'll never be able to afford to own a home. My dream that keeps me going is the idea of buying a home for us, the kids and I. A small, modest home that I can take care of and be proud of. I dream of rose bushes and little people, growing up together. All together. Happy. I know that God put this dream in my heart. Now it's up to Him to finance the dream. I believe He's going to provide.

So tonight I'm hopeful for tomorrow and for what it might bring. God is caring for me.

A good day

It's been so stressful lately but today was a good day.  I felt decent and was productive at work.    I feel like I'm slowly getting the hang of things in my department and digging out from the mess the person before me left.

I'm just trying to do my best every day with the energy God gives me for that day.  That is, for me, what being faithful means.  I have to be faithful in the little things.  I also have to learn to be thankful for whatever circumstances God has put me in.  While taking personal responsibility for truly messing my life up and my marriage.  I am willing to take responsibility for my failings but I have already asked God for forgiveness.  He said "as far as the East is from the West, so far He has removed my transgressions from me."  That rules.  In every way.

The reality is that as much as things seem to be falling apart, God is actually blessing me.  I truly believe there is joy on the other side of sadness.  

So tonight I take it minute by minute, then hour by hour, then day by day.  A good friend had to remind me to do that.  Helpful suggestions from afar that I am thankful for.

goodnight all

Sick days and new digs

Today I took a sick day.  I had to have some lab work done so they can find out some things about the way I'm feeling.  It will be another couple of days before my doc even gets the results so it's probably going to be next week before they figure out a plan.  If you're reading this, pray for strength and patience.

Today I did some more research about potential new apartments.  I think that I found one in a decent area in my price range.  I'm really going to have to sit down and budget seriously.   My world is going to change in a few months and I will be left alone to fly.  Fly like the strong bird I am.  I pray that I can earn some more money at my job so that I can provide for my family and for myself.  

Tonight I am cautiously optimistic and maybe a little excited about my future.  About really truly being on my OWN.  No strings attached.    I want to show my children how to fly.  

Hallmark holidays and deep thoughts of my own

What is today?  After all, it is just a day but it is we who give it more power than that.  It's those of us who are sentimental that take joy in the day.  

I sit here, two years without a valentine of my own, instead concentrating on how to make my children have the best life possible.  Concentrating on their joy.  Course I wasn't allowed to see them today.  Instead we will celebrate on another day but for us it won't matter.  No one and nothing can come between the love of a mother and her children.  If you separate us, it just makes us love even deeper.  

Two hours and this day will be over.  I can put my head on my pillow and this Hallmark card holiday will have passed.  Tomorrow it's back to work and my life there.  So thankful to have a job in these times when others do not.  

Worried this week, not been trusting in the amazing power of my God.  I lost site of Him for a few days and the shadow was dark and it was lonely.  I am reawakening to Him and His special love for me.  I'm rethinking my place on this earth and my purpose in life.  I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I was put here on this earth to be a mom.  Beyond that I cannot think as I have to take what is in front of me right now.  Right now I have children who need my full attention, my full and complete love.  Maybe someday there will be love for me but I am so far from that.    In order to move toward love in the future I will have to let go of the love of my past and I just can't do that.  Many say, move on.  He isn't worth your thoughts and they would be right.  Still my thoughts are sad tonight.

Be still my weary heart.  My God, strengthen my heart and my will.  Make me a mom who is passionate in her love for her children.  Make me into a better me.  Make me more like you God.

Cleaning one room at a time!

If I hear one more person tell me (regarding being overwhelmed in the cleaning arena) to just do one room per day.  Do these people have any idea of what it's like to be ME?  I'm maxed out at work, personally and in every way.  I've just lost my husband and to some extent, my life and family.  

Now I might have to move and that stresses me out.  In every way I'm being pushed and prodded until I feel like I'll break.  I won't but I'm under a great amount of stress at the moment.

I am not used to being alone and the loneliness feels like a prison.  I miss my children so bad that my heart just HURTS so incredibly bad that I can barely stand it.  

No one understands what I'm going through.  I have friends and family but even though they are awesome and loving they have not walked in my shoes and do not know.  It has been so long I should be healing and moving forward but it's so freaking hard.    I feel like I'm in limbo.  I can't go back and I'm paralyzed to go forward.  

If I were to write about my past and what has happened to me I am pretty sure that I could write a book.  Maybe I should?  I can't even write what I want on here because I KNOW him; he'll find this like he does everything.  

I am signing off and writing elsewhere for now.

Weary in spirit

I'm just weary.  Life and work have made me very very weary.  One of my children even said that tonight when I said that I was tired.  I heard "you've been tired all this week mom!"  It's amazing what people notice about you when you're not looking.

New job is good it's just that it's very stressful, at least right now.  I am glad that I will be able to rest up this weekend.  I need to renew my spirit because my soul is weary.  

Trying to do everything well sometimes makes me do nothing quite right.  So much pressure it seems, living under a microscope while people watch.  Tonight I am tuning out.  Perhaps I should dial back into God and into my relationship with Him.  He has become a new, old friend that I talk to throughout the day but especially when I'm driving.  It is for that hour plus a day during my commute that I think about God and how He is caring for me.  I know that He is caring for me today when I was stressed out at work.  He was caring for me tonight when I talked to my family on the phone.  He is caring for me now as I dwell on His goodness.

Lord, renew my spirit.  Make me more like You.  Provide strength and willingness to do what you have in front of me.  Help me not to look back but to look to you for my future and the future of my little family.  

Life Lessons from Disney & move

I am so incredibly blessed.  Nothing in the world compares to the love I feel for my children when I'm around them and when I'm not with them I miss them every second of every day.  

Wonderful weekend with my children.  Watched an old Disney movie that's always good; got to teach about how decisions have consequences.  Love it when a good Disney movie leads way to talk about God, life and choices.  I'm always looking for things to teach them, to prepare them to become adults.

I felt so good this weekend when they were here.  I felt that I was once again the mom that I've dreamed of, or used to be, before I went through years of emotional abuse.  I am doing what I was born to do.  I only wish that my ex weren't my ex and that we had worked out.  

So I sit here, feeling good overall, trying to think about my future, knowing that I am safely in God's hands but scared to death at the same time.  Bring your peace to me, Jesus.  Fill my broken heart with your love.   Be my "husband" and take care of my soul.  

Nothing prepares you for the incredible sense of being ALONE like I have now.  Sure, I have my family but I miss the companionship of being married.  I miss my best friend.  When he came to pick up the fam tonight I just missed him.  I miss the way it was and the way it was going to be. 

Good message at church this morning really made me think, made me think about my gifts and how I can use them for God.   Going through what I have gone through has made me want to start or participate in a ministry for women who have gone through forms of abuse.  Just feel like there is a gap in the Christian community over this issue...but I and my husband were both Christians and still I endured years of emotional abuse.  I want to love these hurting women.  I want to give back what I have been given by others.

So much to think about tonight.  Tonight I just enjoy my little piece of heaven on earth (my children).  I sit and think and just thank God for what I do have and open my heart to what He might do in my life.