Fried Noodles and Calm in the Storm

I feel like my brain is made up of fried noodles. What little intelligence I had left me this morning and has  not returned today. Today was the world's longest day or it seemed like it. You know those - everyone has them - they go on and on and you're usually working on some extremely stimulating and interesting work project (yeah right - does ANYONE ever get those) and then your noodles get fried.

I seriously am gonna go to bed and don't laugh - it's like 7:30. My dog's gonna be bummed because that means he'll be in his kennel for FOREVER. Poor baby. Better in there than defacing my house. He's fluffy but he is still a naughty toddler dog.  No boundaries. YET. I will win. I will win. If it's the last thing that I do.

Got my giant order of bead earrings tonight and I'm too tired to even work on processing them. I was going to have them be $9.99/each or 2/$18. Now I'm thinking 2/$15. Dunno, maybe try the higher price and then see. I can always change signs as I am not individually pricing them.  That would take WAY TOO MUCH TIME.  I realized that I have no time. I had the kids for the three day weekend, took them to dad's, then picked them up and they will come here Thursday to spend the night. Then I will have about 3 hours to myself on Friday night to prep my earrings. Heck maybe I'll save them for Saturday. I could sit and unwrap them while no one watches. (complicated)

So seriously this is it, I'm turning in, my goose is cooked and my noodle's fried and I'm DONE for the day.  Maybe tomorrow will be better. Plus I'm starting to NOT feel good again and I'm done with this roller coaster.  There are times like the last 3-4 months when I've really really hated having bipolar disorder. I do not bounce back from the ups and downs as easily as when I was younger. Now it takes longer, I'm under ten times the pressure and responsibilities.

I long for a day when my life was simpler. Less complex with less problems. I'm not sure what God's teaching me but I must be DUMB because apparently I'm not getting it. So here I go through the wringer again...or that is what I feel like. Reality: most of how I feel is related to bipolar disorder and how it effects my life and my choices and my family.

My new earrings are making my ears itch. Not a good sign. Maybe I'm one of those allergic to nickel and these are filled with nickel? Who knows? The joker knows.....ha ha ha ha ha.

Night all. I remain here for another day, whose purpose has yet to be revealed in me. This morning, in all seriousness, I felt a calling of sorts. I was praying to God over my lunch hour and listening to Christian radio. I realized that my calling is to be the "calm in the storm" to my two children. I may not be able to control the storms in their lives that relate to their dad and me but I can be their calm in the middle of those storms. Tonight that is going to be my new goal: to be my angel's "calm in the storm."

Crack of Dawn

This mom's up at the crack of dawn, a little like the Proverbs 31 lady, preparing my household to go to the market to sell things. Last week was my first week and it did not go well.  I am hoping it will go better this week since the kids are here and that they will have fun and learn about running a business.

I am giving them 15 more minutes to sleep but they have gotten enough as I put them to bed early.  One slept in his/her clothes so as not to have to get ready this morning. I kind of laughed. The other is in jammies and will get dressed here in a little bit.

I am feeding bagels this morning and we're stopping at a quick shop on the way for special drinks (juice, milk, etc).  I figure that will motivate the sleepy heads on this early of a morning.

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Didn't post this this morning. It was a nightmare. I didn't sell a thing. What a collosal waste of time and energy.

Profound Silence and Sense of Aloneness

In the middle of the hurt and chaos I just had the most profound sense of God saying to me "I am with you." The tears streamed down my eyes because I was just in the kitchen feeling completely and utterly alone. Then this. I think God speaks to us in many ways: directly, through others, through music, writings, the Bible. Tonight God spoke to my heart and met my deepest need.

I'm physically feeling not like myself, I'll be okay but it's just a rough patch. I don't have anyone to help. I need help cleaning, organizing, etc. but there is just me. I hate being a single parent. I hate it and years later I still hate it. I was not designed to be alone.

Tonight I'm discouraged, angry, frustrated, not feeling good and alone. Utterly alone. But my God has promised to care for me and He is, it's just that sometimes I will admit that I don't always agree with the plan He has for me. I'm rebellious like that.

There is so much more I want to write but I also know that anything I say here is liable to wind up in some court hearing. So why bother? I'm fairly sure my ex has found this site which doesn't surprise me. That is what he does.

I am frustrated because I have no one and no where to voice my feelings to that is safe. Every person, every doctor and therapist can be subpeoned. So who do I really have, really? Can you tell I'm at my wit's end? I'm worn down, worn out, tired of playing this dumb game.

I am not sure how much more my body can take.

A little hot glue gun and we're all set here

So I've started this company, which will remain nameless on here, but it is my dream and it'll be a part-time gig until God blesses it if He chooses to.  Just got an earring holder (stand-you know the kind you see at department stores?).  Well I stripped two of the screws. So I thought to myself, how to fill this hole and re-drill. I didn't have epoxy then I realized that I did own a hot glue gun so I filled the holes and re-drilled and so far they are holding just fine.

I'm hoping my earrings come tomorrow but right now they are in New York City but they've cleared customs so that is good.  Transferred from UBX Express to UPS here in the states. I want them to come tomorrow night so much - I've got a big sign on my front door: please leave all deliveries here, and signed it! ha

Today my doctor removed me from one of my medicines because it was making me manic. I wasn't sleeping again, it was a real drag. I took a day off of work today because I didn't sleep good for the past two nights and I've been running on manic adrenaline for probably a week or so now.  I caught this one early so we were able to jump on it before it became debilitating.

This is my reality. I cycle back and forth from mania to depression. I'm an ultra rapid cycler, often doing this within the course of a day. I'm hard to treat and probably difficult to be with. It is who I am and God says in the Bible that I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I cling to that verse with everything in me.

I'm hoping to go back to work tomorrow because even if I'm sick it'll look bad being gone because it is a holiday weekend.  So I'm praying for a good night's sleep tonight.  I need good, restful sleep in order to do my job.  This sucks.  I was talking to my dad about disability and even though I would qualify for it easily I want to work as long as I can. I do. It's just really really hard right now.

I really need to have a good sales day Saturday or my business could be in a world of hurt fast. I need to sell...sell...sell.  So I've bought a giant 22x28 sign holder that holds 25% off signs and if I choose a 50% off sign. I added watches to my offering and hopefully will have earrings by tomorrow. I will have to put  about 200 pairs of earrings on earring cards. I think that I've decided NOT to label them by SKU number, but to just put them up and have a set price per pair of earrings. I'm doing $9.99/pair of beaded earrings or $18/for two pair. (saves $2.). I'm hoping that a little clever marketing will help.

I also bought these cheese starburst signs in neon colors. I'm going to put them on the top of my necklace forms with the price of the item being sold and it's reduced price. I'm hoping some bright colors and promises of discounts will get people to get out their wallets. Plus we take all credit, debit, checks and cash. So how do you go wrong with that?  I've got my wireless credit card machine charging now.

I just looked at my earring stand and I think that I put in one of the holders wrong. Darn it.

Sitting here, waiting to get tired and come down from the manic high so I can go to bed for the night.  How sad is that? :-)

Until tomorrow I remain sane! ha

The state of my union, my day

The day. The day. It was a day. It was a long day, beginning at 3:30 a.m., the time in which I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm exhausted.  There are no words for what I'm going through but I know God will provide me the strength for what is in front of me.

I am headed to bed in about 15 minutes. Poor dog was kenneled all day, he was so happy to see me that he broke his door off the kennel when I got home trying to get out!  Luckily it popped back on and he wasn't hurt. Poor baby. He and I are playing ball - he's a retriever and likes to retrieve, just not the giving it back to me part!  He's like "X, I go get my prize then you keep taking it and throwing it away from me. Why is that fun?" Then he promptly goes to get it and brings it back.

The day was not all bad. There was one nice part and I'll keep that to myself. It was just nice, normal, familiar.

So with that I'll bid you guys goodnight and hope tomorrow brings new mercies and more grace from God.

Done. Done. Done.

Hard day at work. Hard day personally.  I had a rough day at work, not really related to work, just rough physically and I'm tired. Nothing went right today or so it seems but I need to realize that everything went according to God's plan for this day for me. I know this in my head but it does not make my heart feel better.  My heart is weary, my body worn out.

I have two many things on my plate, two many irons in the fire, too much to handle, whatever the expression is that sums up how I feel tonight. Defeated. Overwhelmed but not despondent. That is the difference. Where things like today used to WIPE ME OUT totally now they are just blips on the radar screen.  Even my dog has it in for me tonight. This morning I was in the shower, lathering my shampoo, minding my own business. I turn around and there, in my tub is my puppy. Water dogs. He promptly got shooed out. I kinda laughed because it was pretty funny.

Tonight is not the time to start any new projects. It is not the time to worry about what tomorrow may or might not bring. It is the time for me to rest in the Lord. Sometimes I need to do this in a very real way. Relax, mentally and physically, read my Bible, pray, dwell on God's word and listen for what I think He's trying to tell me.  And go to bed early. Tonight is a go to bed early night. In fact I might go there in the next 20 minutes!  ha!  I'm an old lady I tell you.

Today my body reacted in a way that I did not count on and it was horrible. I had to take extra medication to deal with it all. Then I was so tired I could barely do my work.  I ate something after work so I felt tons better.

You ever have days that feel like train wrecks? I feel like I've been run over by a train but my faith tells me that I'm right where God wants me...or He's trying to move me somewhere.

Don't like it when my child leaves angry at me for a discipline he/she totally deserved. I even let him/her off lighter than I had planned to at first.

I'm just done for the day. No big insights. Nothing inspiring. I feel flat, frustrated and exhausted. I know tomorrow is a new day in it with new mercies and I just have to trust that God will replenish my heart while I sleep.

Until then.

God's Perfect Timing for this Restless Soul

In this world of Facebook, My Space, Twitter and every other social media, I have never felt so isolated and alone yet I have more friends again now than I have had in almost twenty years. Sweet irony.

I sit here on my sofa, in the dark, watching tv while surfing on Facebook and writing on here. I spent most of the day working on my new business and decided to take some time to just relax - to enjoy the day of rest as God intended it.  It is hard to NOT be busy. Busy is good. Why is that? Well, for starters, I doubt that I'm the only one who feels like this but when you're busy, you don't have the time to think about what is really bothering you.

Which leads me to the next question. What exactly is it that is bothering me?  I'd like to say that I'm going to spill my guts on here but hey, this is the internet, it's public and I'm not saying. Perhaps it is that I don't know. Perhaps it is that I know and that I'm terrified to say. Perhaps I don't know and that is why my face broke out with hives this week from the stress. There are many options to choose from.

What I know is that my heart hurts. It still does and probably always will. It hurts for me. It hurts for my kids. It hurts for the loss of the hopes and dreams I had for my/our future.  My heart is worried. It worries when I should be trusting God. I worry about whether I'll have a job next week. I worry about being able to provide for my children. I'd like to say that after all these amazing years being a Believer that I don't struggle with worry but I do. It's tied into my anxiety and God knows I have issues with that.

I feel that I'm miraculously flawed but at the same time beautifully and wonderfully made. Perhaps I'm just a human this side of heaven. Living out her faith the best she knows how, trying to be a good example to her children. Trying to just make it. Survive. I'd love to thrive but I'll go with survive at this point! ha

So I sit, I sit and I wait until it's time for bed so tomorrow can get here earlier.  Tomorrow could begin the beginning of something good, a change for the better.  I can't go into it on here but if we're friends you know how to get a hold of me and we can talk.  Lets just say that I believe that God has been working me through His perfect plan in His perfect timing and that it is finally the time.