Grace and Mercies for this Broken but Mending Mom

It's 7:44 as I write this and I just keep thinking, is it time for bed yet? I worked hard all day then had my children for a couple of hours. I was too tired to cook and out of food so we went out. Then came home, played with the dog and the other kids in the apartment complex. The kids are gone now and I'm sitting here with 15 minutes to myself. I should be cleaning but honestly I'm too freaking tired. If I don't regenerate myself by rest I burn out and it's not pretty.

So it's 7:44 and I rest. For a few minutes I try to decompress from my day. In a few minutes I will take out the dog for the last time, take my handful of medications for various and assorted things that I have and would rather not have, then crawl in bed.

But it's Thursday night and there's good TV on Thursdays. I just want to be awake and hang out. I wish my house was magically cleaned, my refrigerator was stocked with food, and that my dog was well behaved. So until then I rest, I work on cleaning when I can, I run to the grocery store tomorrow on my way to pick up the kids for the weekend, and as for the dog, that is a long term project.

To add to the humiliation of not feeling good my face is all broken out, the hives that turn into acne kind of break out. Not fun and probably med related. Oh the trials and frustrations of my ordinary little life.

Tonight I've decided to give myself the same kind of grace and mercies that God gives me. I need to give myself a break, be easy on myself until I'm feeling better.  I have the weekend coming up with the kids and that will leach my energy but also will refill it in a unique way.  They need me as I need them. That is the way it is between moms and their kids.  A symbiotic relationship.

So maybe I can make it until 9pm tonight. I'm kind of watching a tv show now that I want to see. I won't tell the name because I will lose all credibility here if I do!

Lesson of the day: give yourself some mercy (not getting what you do deserve) and some grace (getting something you don't deserve). If you've never experienced those mercies and grace filled moments from a relationship with God, let me tell you it will rock your world and change your life. It will give you hope beyond these broken bodies we're all walking around in.  God is the only person who can offer true hope.

Days that Don't go as "planned"

Anyone else had one of those days that just didn't go as planned? Or as WE planned? I had one of those today. If I wasn't putting my foot in my mouth I was talking non-stop at work (probably bored them silly), then had just the world's longest day.  I came home, hoping to catch a quick cat nap even for 20 minutes and no, that didn't go as planned or hoped for either.

Add to it that I've got hives and now you have a picture of my day.  I wonder if sometimes God allows these days to keep me humble. Because it worked. I'm humbled. Even had to send an apology letter via email today!

So tonight I'm humbled to know that I'm utterly human. To add insult to injury I've walked and walked and walked my dog and he won't go. :-) Gotta laugh at something today.

So today wasn't quite what I'd hoped for but it was exactly what God planned for me. I always need to remember that. Each and every thing that God allows to come through my life goes through and by Him first.

Tonight I have no insights, I'm just a girl who's trying to just make it in this world, stumbling along the way. Thankful that tomorrow is a new day with new mercies.

Advice Advice Everywhere

I'm having one of those weeks where I keep getting unwanted and un-asked for advice. Not quite sure what to make of it.  You ever have that happen to you? I mean my friend at work offered me some advice today that she doesn't even take herself! I wanted so much to really tell her off but knew that wouldn't be the right thing to do. I did call her on it in a non-threatening way.

It's seriously been a week full of this from all sorts of people and places.

This week I feel like I'm just swimming, trying desperately to keep my head above water. I'm making headway and starting to feel better but know this is a process. Every med change can take weeks and sometimes much longer before relief happens.  I am happy to report that the med I just got put back on seems to be lifting the little rain cloud that has been hovering over my head.

I've also got this friend who will remain nameless and every time that I talk with him I feel crappy about myself after. I'm beginning to wonder why I keep talking to him. Definite duh moment.  I want to hear what people have to say, good and bad, but when you get dumped on for years and years, the dumping gets a little old. You know?

My focus now is singular. It is on being the best mom that I can be. The includes taking care of myself, taking part in my health both mental and physical. This means participating in therapy like I do, talking about what is going on in my life, whether I feel like it or not.  Managing bipolar disorder is often a combination of things: medication, therapy, exercise and healthy living. Oh how I wish that I could do all of those at the same time. I've got medication and therapy down pat. I'm starting to work on the exercise part by walking my new dog and the healthy living part is simply not happening.

Oh I forgot what I think is the most important part: your faith in God! My faith in God outweighs my medication, therapy, exercise, and any tofu on the planet. My faith in God is what makes me get out of bed when I think that I cannot. My faith in my Redeemer is what keeps me keep on keeping on.  My relationship with God is my love. He has become the One in my life now that I am divorced. He stepped in and filled that role my husband used to fill a long time ago before he gave up on us. So don't forget to include your faith in God when you are managing your bipolar disorder.

Another thing I got to thinking about today is how mean women are to each other. What is that about? Instead of tending to each other's wounds we wound each other further often times. I have a small group of gals that I am learning to trust and get to know and it is nice. I grew up with brothers and always was friends with guys because I could relate to them better and there wasn't this pettiness that I felt around other girls.  Here I find myself in a world of women, no men really to be found. So it's a brave new world. I've so enjoyed getting acquainted with some older friends again and getting to know some newer friends. God created us for relationship. With one another. For friendships, for romance, for love, for killing time together.

So lets teach our children, especially if you have daughters, to embrace other girls and to not see them as competition but as comrades. Lets model THAT for our daughters.

70 x 7 daily

Tonight I have a few things to say. 1. God is good. No matter what. 2. I'm going to follow Him. No matter what I face. and 3. No one is going to get my focus off of what is important to me and that is this, in this order A. God  B. My children C. My family D. My friends E. My church F. My job.

I know where I am in life, I know where I'm going and I'm trusting God to take me there in His time. The world can throw all the sludge at me it wants because I am not going to cave. In the Bible it even says that God loves the broken hearted. So I'm in good company. God loves me just the way that I am.  People's manipulations are just that and they're petty and silly.

One thing that I've noticed over the years is Christians often shoot their own wounded. I think that is a shame. One reason that I write this blog is so that other people, especially women, can know that they are not alone and that there is Someone bigger than their problems (God) to help.  I write this blog as much for myself as for others. If I wanted fame I would promote the blog but I don't. I have about 10-15 followers and that is pushing it.

Makes me even more determined to keep writing my book because I have a lot to say and a voice to say it finally. I know who I am in Christ and want others to know who they are too. Perhaps I will spend less time on the burgeoning business and more time on the book. Ah but it's all so fun!

Tonight I leave you with this. When "life" beats you down, get up. When someone laughs at you, walk away. When someone hurts you, forgive them. Even if you have to forgive them every single day for the rest of your life. 70 x 7 to the extreme. For some circumstances forgiveness is something you give another on a daily basis.  Holding onto hate will just rot your insides and make you miserable and who wants to live like that? I sure don't!

Tonight I let go, I give it all back to God (and there is a lot), and I choose to forgive.

Credo

Another very productive day. Even got the dog washed today! Man alive he must have rolled in mud when I wasn't looking. It was funny. Giving a retriever a bath is like giving him a present. It was sweet. Now the slightly damp dog is laying under my right elbow, cuddling. It is quite sweet.

Was able to get a lot of things priced today which was good. Snagged a nap which is always a nice thing on my weekends by myself.

Missing my little people something fierce. When they are not home with me I miss them more than life itself. Hopefully I will get to talk to them on the phone tonight. I need to hear their little voices. It's a mom thing. Something about hearing their voices every single day allows me to relax, to know they are safe and sound even though they are not always with me.

Spent some time talking to a friend and her words of wisdom and encouragement were just what I needed to hear. There is nothing like the kind word of a friend or confidante in order to battle what we're going through.

Today I am thankful. I am thankful for my life. I am thankful to be free. I am thankful to be able to make my own decisions. I am thankful to be me and to know that who I am is who and how God made me to be. Not that I am anywhere near perfect. God works on me each and every day and has for the past few years especially. I am stronger than anyone anticipated except maybe my mom who knows how stinkin tough I am.  A month after divorce papers were filed, my mom gave me a Christmas ornament that was hand-carved and titled "courage" because she said that I have more courage than anyone she has ever known. I cherish that little statue and have it in my kitchen to remind me of who I am in Christ and what is possible with His help.

I'm most thankful for my children. They are: wonderful, artistic, sweet, thoughtful, generous, emotional, sensitive, and just the most amazing of gifts. Children are gifts from God that we parents get to care for but they are His. Always and forever. It is a pleasure to be their mother and it is what keeps me going day in and day out.

So this single mom is keeping her eyes on God, the author of my faith, the One who keeps me, the One who has forgiven my sins and is forgiving me daily for them as I do them. The Bible says and it's my favorite verse "As far as the east is from the west, so far He has removed our transgressions from us." I have made my peace with my Creator for my life and my choices (both good and bad) and have taken responsibility for them.

I am no longer the person I once was. Sure, there are parts of me who are the same but if anything I am more like the person I was before I got married. Hard to explain. I got lost for a while but I'M BACK and I'm not going anywhere. I like who I am today. I like the person Good is making me into. I like the person I already am. God says that I'm beautifully and wonderfully made. I believe that and tell my children that almost every time I see them. I want them to know who they really are in Christ.

This was longer than I had planned, must have had more on my heart than I realized at first.

Productive Day Today

I've had such a productive day today! Which was nice! I got some things done that were needed and some things I hadn't planned to work on.

I even got to talk to a good friend who had some good things to say to me. I am thankful for his friendship.

Tonight I am at peace.  Now I'm just hanging out watching some tv which is fun. Work is good but everyone needs to take a break and relax.

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday where we celebrate our Lord's resurrection. Without the resurrection, it is the whole point of the gospel.  Because He rose again, we have that ability when we die if we know Him. What an amazing gift God gave when He allowed His Son to take the sins of the world on Him!

Happy Easter everyone!

So tired

I'm just so tired. Exhausted. Made it through another day, intact. That is always a bonus.  

Learning that people fail you. Over and over again. It is hard to trust, even with friends.  I trust my children, and some of my family. It is too bad it is this way.  My trust was utterly broken and betrayed when my ex-spouse no longer wanted to be married to me.  Frankly it has not been intact ever since. I've become self-reliant in a way while still knowing that my very breath comes from  God and that I control nothing.

I feel like I learn the same lessons over and over and over again. Perhaps that is life. Perhaps that is the Christian journey. Perhaps I am just dunce. Perhaps.

My life feels like it's spinning out of control a little bit and I'm in that space where all you have and all that you can do is trust God, with everything in you.  He alone is trustworthy.

So tired. This gal's calling it a night.

Night all.

All about Priorities - NOT

Frustrated is how I feel. Sometimes those I love and who love me are less than supportive. I mentioned to one family member recently that I felt under the pile and his answer was "it's all about priorities." No, it's not. I'm under the pile because I have bipolar disorder and I'm struggling with depression. I cannot prioritize it away. I take care of myself, I get enough sleep, I care for my children and hold down a full time job. I don't do it all perfectly but who does.

So I will not prioritize. I will feel. I will allow myself to be human and to feel. I think those who do not have something productive to say should not say anything at all.  I get that it is hard to know what to talk to someone who has bipolar disorder and be able to relate to them. Know that I like things like movies, kids, pets, the same things you like. I am NOT my disorder. I am also not a set of priorities.

Nor will I be silent if I'm not feeling good. I am my only advocate. I have no one to help me now that I am divorced. I have no one to rely on other than God. It is just me, all the time and there is no relief in site it seems. My hope comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.

I still get frustrated. People who have what I have are on permanent disability yet I refuse it and keep working and will work until I am no longer able to work.  But it is hard to work full time and do what I do. I admit that. Doesn't mean that I'm stopping anytime soon but people need to understand that having bipolar disorder can be devastating to your life. My heart and mind want to do so many things and I feel trapped in this body that won't "behave" properly. I am going on 18 years of being diagnosed with it.

I will not give up, I will keep on keeping on. I will do my best. Someday when I go meet Jesus I want more than anything to hear Him say "well done my good and faithful servant." I'm probably not going to change the world or do anything dramatic but I do believe God has called me to be faithful as a mom of my children, be faithful in my job, at my church and to my family and friends. God has called me to be faithful in the little things because for me these little things are big things. Living my life with bipolar disorder is doing a big thing. It is being brave enough to keep on keeping on, because of my faith, so that I can continue to do the thing that I love most and that is be a mom to my children.

The kids have got to know I'm different. The oldest is smart enough and old enough to know something. I'll never be a normal soccer mom who hosts sleepovers and throws great parties. I will pledge to love the children with every fiber of my being for the rest of my life. That is my calling and my passion.

Please continue to pray with me and for me as I travel this road that God has for me. It's often not easy, in fact its often very very hard but I will not give up. I will keep on keeping on as long as God will allow me.

I feel buried and I have no help. That is a horrible feeling. My doctor helps but the practical help that I need he cannot do and I cannot ask others to do. Somehow this mom will have to find within herself or within God the strength to do what is necessary. Dealing with ex's is no fun but I am no longer going to be silent. I will do what is best for my children no matter the obstacle.

So pray. Pray for healing for my body and mind. Pray for peace. Pray for ENERGY as that is what I need the most. Pray that the meds will quit causing weight gain and I can go back down to where I was. It's like a terrible blur of things all stirred together like a tornado in a glass.  Yet, having said that I know that God is faithful to complete the work He began with me until completion.  

Hoping that I get this job that I applied for so that I can build up some financial reserves. I have gone through quite a bit of my own money being on FMLA leave and being on an abbreviated work schedule (still not full time yet). I have to trust that God will replenish my finances. The tax man hurt deeply this year. I'm trying to start this business in my spare time but in my spare time I'm so tired it is very hard to do. I keep on doing one or two or three items a day, eventually they'll be online and soon I can open my online store.

So many things hang heavy on my heart tonight. If you are my friend, pray with me. For me.

Lord, I need More Wisdom

I got a nice nap today until my dad called in the middle of it but I still got 2.5 hours and it was heavenly.  It was just what I needed. I talked to the insurance lady, my attorney and my doctor's assistant all in one morning. Still haven't heard about the job but they are announcing it until the 22nd.

Doctor changing my meds AGAIN, hoping to help me feel better. I do hope so. Tomorrow I start back at 5 hours a day. For one more week. So I figure that I'll take a lunch after 3 hours come home take care of dog, then go back for 2 hours.  I have the kids this weekend and need to hit the grocery store tomorrow.  I made my list the other day.

Tonight I'm just feeling under the pile a little bit. I'm hoping the med adjustment can help me feel better.

I also really hope they give me the job I applied for at work if that is what God wants for me. I really want this job - it would be salaried and potentially pay more than what I make now.  Plus it is a department and skill set that is transferable.

The rain is coming. This would be the first time it's rained and I have to take the dog out. Fun. Going to need to have multiple umbrellas. One for car, one or two for here. Towels. Stuff I don't have tonight. Hoping little dude makes it through the night without any accidents.

Just feel like I have a lot going on right now. More chances to trust God, to lean on His strength and not mine. To pray for peace and health. I need the return of my health in a real way. I'm either going to get worse or better, and if I get worse I could lose my job and that would not be good. It took so long to find this job. To lose it for health reasons would stink.

So if you're following this please continue to pray for me and for my health. Pray for my kids. Pray for wisdom for me. I need more wisdom.

Came up for air to get clobbered again

I feel like I just came up for air, that I was feeling good, better than ever. Then I got clobbered. Not feeling so hot anymore, working on that with doctor, it seems we're always adjusting something in order to keep this breakable body of mine working. Honestly it gets discouraging. There are many times I wish that I didn't have to spend hundreds of dollars a month on meds and vitamins. But I do. What I spend on meds I could buy a new car for. That type of thing is frustrating.

Then I am doing great, get a new dog who is the best thing that I've done for myself in a long time. He's sweet, soft and has a gentle spirit. He keeps running around here bumping his head on the coffee table. He must not have any short term memory.  It's funny. When we spend time together, sometimes he plays but often he takes his cues from me and just lays with his head on my lap. Already filling his soon to be role as a therapy dog.  Bought him a bag of new rawhide treats. Poor thing needed something to EAT other than my papers!

Got the kids coming for the weekend. Looking forward to that. Need to plan meals, buy food. Plan activities. I was going to take them to a movie last time but it was PG and I thought both parties weren't doing PG, well I was wrong so guess what once again mom is the bad mom and dad is the hero. Big surprise. I'm so sick of this crap. Sick of his games and crap. Sick of him. It is amazing that I ever loved this man who has hurt me so long and so deeply. My anniversary just passed, my first one not being married and I didn't even remember! ha That shows how far I've come.

Two and a half weeks and I get to take my starter earrings out (just got my ears re-pierced). I CANNOT WAIT to buy some hot earrings.

Meanwhile I am struggling with one of my meds and the weight gain it causes. Frustrated to say the least. People have so many things to offer, I know they have good intentions but frankly if they haven't walked in my shoes they have no idea and do not know.

Tonight I just am. Not good and not bad really. Discouraged a little bit. Overwhelmed a little bit. Alone. A lot. Glad to have my furry pal. Pray for this girl as she negotiates through life.

I need more energy. I need to feel better.

Thankful

This morning on my way to work I was in a traffic accident. My car was beat up pretty bad on the front but the other lady's car was NOT good. Her back axle practically fell off. Both back tires blew or came off of their rims.

I worked until noon then came home and slept four hours straight. I was so tired. I ached too from the impact of the car crash.

Was able to see the kids tonight which was good. Went to BKing which is one child's favorite "food" and I do say "food" in quotes. Not sure it is food.

Played with the dog after dinner, he was sweet now he's tuckered out.

Feeling a little overwhelmed on the car issue but know that it will work out. I will call the insurance lady tomorrow. Contacted my attorney today, waiting to hear back from her.

Tonight I am just tired. Happy to be alive but tired.

Relaxing and Refreshing

I need a house keeper! ha. wouldn't that be nice. Today was the weirdest day. I am working on this project which requires someone else to do something before I can scan hundreds and thousands of documents. Well today she hadn't done it so I sat there for four hours looking busy. It was weird. I backed up my email, cleaned out my documents folder, downloaded some Crock Pot recipes, etc. Weird weird weird.

I then came home and took a great nap. I needed it.  I had hoped to hear back from my doctor today but not yet. Need to adjust some things.  Hopefully tomorrow I can get some answers.

Had a great afternoon. Took time off to rest and relax. I went outside with the dog and hung out, just the two of us, several times.  It was just so nice. I like having a little buddy to trust in and to be trusted for.

He's getting tired, looking for bed. I'll probably head to bed at 9, turn in a little early.

Watching tv tonight was great. Talked to a gal from church and it was so refreshing to speak with someone caring and nice and who understood the rigors of being a single mom. Makes me feel empowered when women pass wisdom along to other women.

Tonight I have peace. I feel good.  Less stress today helped a lot. Amazing how that works. I really have to watch my stress both at work and at home. For me, being with the kids is relaxing and peaceful. I can't wait to see them again.

Tonight I'm giving it all, including myself, back to God's care for another night. Thanking Him for such a wonderfully relaxing and refreshing day.

Reframing My World

Today I realized that I need to re-frame the way that I look at things. Sometimes I feel less enthusiastic about having bipolar disorder. Sometimes I hate it. Today I realized that it has given me this amazing opportunity to meet other people who either have bipolar disorder, or are related to or married to someone with this (sometimes) debilitating disorder.

What to me is a weakness (what I was told for years) is actually a gift, a chance to help others. An opportunity for a new mission field. That's the way I have to look at it.  I will not give into the depression. I will never give up. I will keep on, keeping on, as long as God will have me here on this beautiful place called Earth he created.

When the depression sets in, I begin to doubt myself and the truth is simple: I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I am made and AM the way God intended me to be. In His image. I am writing these words yet they are still hard for me to believe. When you are around people or someone who erodes your self esteem day after day, you begin to doubt who you really are. That is what happened to me.  

Tonight I was reminded of one of my favorite verses: "As far as the east is from the west, so far He has removed our transgressions from us." I am destined to hear this over and over and over and over. Forgiveness is a process. God has already forgiven me for anything that I've done in my past now I have to forgive myself.  I am so harsh with myself and I punish myself for things that I could not control. I blame myself for things that were not my fault. I am unlearning so many things and have been over the last few years.

I feel immensely alone. I feel like my kids were ripped from me, I feel like my family likes me as long as I'm not too much trouble of effect their lives too much. I feel utterly alone. I know in my head that I am not but I FEEL that I am.  I need to spend some time in the scriptures, I need more of Him in me. More grace, more mercy. More of what He promised. He promised so many wonderful things but He never promised that it would be easy. I am a living testament to that.

So if you're on my team, pray for God's tender mercies to land on my heart tonight. I miss my children and talking to them for five minutes for the whole weekend is simply not enough. I feel lost without them. I will never adjust to this darn divorce. I still feel a lot of anger about it all.  Got to let it go. If I don't, it and the other person involved will get in my head and mess with it.  I need to fill my head instead with the things of God.

Grateful. Missing. Heavy. Hearted.

Today was an extremely productive day. I conquered a project that I didn't think that I could and it felt great to do it ON MY OWN. There is such immense pride in doing something on your own and feeling that sense of accomplishment afterwards. Not in a prideful way, but in a good kind of way.  This sense of accomplishment means to me, personally, that I have come so far in this journey of mine. From woman without any self esteem that was good to a woman who truly believes that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Oh what a journey I have begun. I have not ended it and will not until the last breath I breathe and I am in my Savior's arms. Worshipping at the throne of my God, His son my Redeemer.   I'm in no hurry to get there, mind you, but there are days when I am intensely aware that my heart is already in Heaven and my body is just here taking up space. Does that sound odd?  I fear my words do not convey what I truly feel.

Grateful. That is what I feel. I feel like I have a second chance at life and am enjoying it immensely. It is not a walk in the park mind you, it is often very hard and difficult. I struggle with many things and am aware of just how human I am.  I am here by the grace of God and that is all. Sheer determination has played a major part too. When others would have caved I dug in, with God's help, learning to rely on Him in my weakness and for His strength.

Tonight I miss my children immensely. Profusely. More than ever. When they are here, this is home. The rest of the time it is an apartment. They are what make this place a home.  On my weekends without them, when they are with their dad I miss them more than ever.  When they are here, my heart is at peace.

So much on my mind and heart tonight.  Heavy heart, heavy mind. Going to give it all to God as I have absolutely no control over any of it. Tonight I leave it at my Savior's throne. I give myself to Him and to His care.

Shine On

We are beaten, but not cast down. God has won this battle before it even began. I need to remember that on weeks and periods like this. When I feel beaten down by others, not only have "they" won but I'm not letting God win. In reality, nothing that comes across my life that God doesn't allow. That blows my mind. That means the good, the bad, the trials, everything. Like Job, God had to give Satan permission to tempt Job. For me, every thing and every person in my life who is troubling is sent or allowed to be there by  God. Does that mean that I understand it? Nope. Just know it's true.

God works all things for good to them who love Him. ALL THINGS. Not just the good things. ALL THINGS. Each and every thing. Each and every person. Even the ones we dislike. No, disliking people is probably not very Christ like but there are some people who I have a hard time giving to God. Giving the pain of what they do to me back to God. If I let it, it festers inside me and then these people "win" and I lose. I wind up unhappy, controlled and just not a happy camper. When I give even my enemies back to God, it is then that I am my happiest for it is then that I have given up all control to the One who made me. The one who wove me when I was in my mother's womb.

I have been through too much to quit now. There are some who would love to see me fail but I will not fail. I will continue trusting God in the midst of it all. I will continue getting up every time I'm knocked down. I will continue this "fight" called life which is, in reality, just a blessing.

Writing for me is cathartic. It cleanses my soul and is my way to worship and give praise to the One who made me. Beautifully and wonderfully made. With all my many intricacies. I won't joke - I am not an easy person to know, be friends with, be married to. Having bipolar disorder is a blessing and a curse. It is both all wrapped up in one. One on hand, it is a "curse" because every day is hard. I have less energy than some others who do not have this disorder. I will have to take medication for it the rest of my life most likely.   Bearing under the burden of this disorder is very hard, I kid you not.

Would I wish it away? Yes and no. It is part of who I am but it does not define who I am. It is something that I have, that God deemed me to have. Would I wish it away? On many days, when I am feeling weak, the answer would be yes. That is why I call it a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because I believe that who I am is tied to this complicated disorder. It is part of what makes me creative, part of what makes me have deep and intense emotions.

There are days like today that I wish that I could take a short cut through what God is doing in my life. He's put a person in my life who is not going away and is probably never going to change. I can deal with that or be unhappy the rest of my life. I choose to deal with him, deal with it. It's just on moments like tonight I wish that my path were a little easier. I'm blessed in so many things but the burden my heart has gone through is almost more than one soul can bear. This is where the HOPE comes in.  It is when I am at my weakest that God is shining in me the most.

God, I'm weak. Shine on.