Today is better. I feel pretty good so far and it is nice to be HOME, even if it is this little apartment! This morning I got up, steam cleaned my entry way and half of the apartment. I love getting dirt out of the carpet and it is amazing how much gunk is in there. I'm fairly sure they didn't clean the carpet before we moved here.
I am so worried about what is going to happen with my job. When I was on leave they got rid of my position apparently due to there being less need for it, etc. I was put on a special project that was to take the remainder of my FMLA leave and I'm still on that. Once that is over I do not know if I am going to have a job and I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with that. I'm a little freaked out.
I talked to my boss's boss and suggested that I be his executive administrative assistant and he kind of liked the idea and said he'd talk to HR about it. My friend saw the HR guy and him talking and when she came by they stopped talking. Could be something related to me, maybe not.
I need a job, I need MY job or any job, I just need to stay employed. This would not be a good time to lose a job. I need to remain stable, provide for my family, pay child support, pay for this apartment, etc. I just want to be normal and if I lose my job then it could potentially mess a lot of things up.
So I sit here, just a girl, wanting to just BE. Wishing for just one day there wasn't something causing stress and uncertainty in my life. I have felt displaced since I moved out of my home after the divorce was filed. I've never felt at home anywhere, at either apartment. Sure I put up paintings and art, decorate, but it is empty. I decorate this place not for me but for my children, to create "home" even though I do not feel this is home. The only time this place feels like home is when my children are here with me. The rest of the time it is just an average to yucky apartment somewhere in the midwest.
Sitting here watching Law and Order and once again they have a crazy person who killed someone and this perpetrator has bipolar disorder. So sick of the misinformation in the media. Yes, there are some who have done wild things while being bipolar but there are an awful lot of us who are just like me, people just trying to get by and be like everyone else. Normal.
I was made to feel like I wasn't normal for many years and it was very hurtful. To be less than "normal" to someone else, especially if they are someone you are married to is atrocious. What a horrible way to treat someone and an even more horrible way to feel.
I no longer feel less than normal. I am beautifully made by God and am so valuable to Him that He sent His only Son to take my place and died on a cross for my sins. I am NOT less than normal. I might be unusual. I might be unique. I might be eccentric but I am NORMAL thank you very much!
Anyone else ever been made to feel like they were "less than" by someone else?
I was told by my husband time and time again,"How can I possibly be attracted to you when your fat?" I was so heartbroken. He was my highschool sweetheart and kne me during my skinny years. I gained weight from a combination of medication and lack of desire to take care of myself because of they way he spoke to me and downgraded me. He had affairs. He was horrible. But enough about me and enough about the past! You are a new woman as am I! You can be healthy for your children as am I! You are more, not less!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd honestly, if you have real concerns about your children, please do something. You would not be able to live with yourself if someday you woke up and it was too late. Our children need us. We are there caretakers. Worry is not of God so instead act on what you actually know and protect them! Be there Supermom!-Heather
Heather, I too experienced alienation because of my weight gain from my ex-spouse. He was less than classy with his comments about it, some are burned into my memory.
ReplyDeleteYou are right, I am SuperMom to my kids every day, whether I feel like it or not. As for being their protector, I am and will always be that. I leave them in God's care each night and that is what I can do (or at least reveal on here) for now.
There is no excuse for how you were treated. No one deserves a spouse who isn't faithful and is also mean.
Can I ask you how you came across this blog?
Someone from another blog I enjoy (recommended by a friend) http://changingmythinking.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeletealso follows your blog.
I checked it out and was hooked. Can't wait for the book:)
H