Letting Go, Angels and the Great Architect Redraws my dreams

I'm letting go of the life I planned for me. and my dreams.  I'm losing control of my destiny. This is a giant leap of faith. Feeling the unknown. Beyond my comfort zone.  (song)

I love that song.  It so fits my life at this point.  I'm having to let go of the dreams I had for my life, my marriage and my family.  I'm allowing the master architect design new plans for me and my girls.  I have hope that there is hope.  

Music pulls me into it tonight, sitting here, alone, sad and baffled.  Baffled that someone who once loved me would continually hurt me over and over again.  Trying to wrap my head around that.  Remembering that I'm never really alone.  The Bible says that God puts angels around us.  I'm not one of those weird angel freaks but I do believe that God protects me through his angels.  I pray every night for my girls and I like to believe that God's got two angels parked over at the house sitting at the end of each girls' bed now as she sleeps.

Tonight I was beginning to feel hope for my future.  The "new normal."  I know that I am no longer the woman I once was.  God has created a new heart in me, one that is passionate about living.  One that is passionate for her family and for her friends and children.  It's very odd to try to describe what it feels like to be changed so radically from the inside out.  

Sometimes at night I wonder if God doesn't have something big for me.  Last night I was thinking that I'd like to write a book or be a speaker.  I'd like to speak to women who are struggling with depression, divorce and life struggles.  I want to be of service to others who are hurting like I hurt.  I wonder if God will do anything with that dream.  

I've got a trail to blaze.  My own.  There are so many things I'd like to do with my life.  I wonder if any of them will come to pass.  Mostly I just dream of being a good mom.  I AM a good mom.  I dream of having my children, buying a home someday and growing old.  At the end of my life slipping from this life to the next Great Adventure.

Writing has become my voice.  A voice that I don't feel like I've had for quite a while.  What I really want is to be God's voice to my children and the world.  "This is a life like no other.  This is the great adventure." - Steven Curtis Chapman

Big Day, Good Feeling

Long day.  Early morning until late at night.  Working.  Came home to a loving kitty cat who misses me when I work so long.  Too tired to do much, did some dishes, ran the dishwasher, etc.

Felt like I could conquer the world today.  I work hard every day in a job that's high-stress or at least fast paced.  It was such a feeling of accomplishment to work hard, to earn my money so that I can care for my children.

Yesterday was so incredibly stressful there are hardly any words to describe it.  God granted me the wisdom to keep my cool for the most part and state my position.  So hard.  I miss the man I used to be married to.  I mourn the loss of what we had.  I am sad for the life we are not going to have together.  I am sad at the brokenness of our little family.  As a friend of mine said to me, "everyone loses in divorce" and he's so right.  

I feel good on one hand and so incredibly sad on the other.  I'm not sure how I can ever wrap my head around the fact that I was once loved and cherished and over time I stop being loved.  What a deep blow to the heart.  Not sure my heart will ever recover from that.  

I feel numb.  I alternate between being sad, happy then numb.   God gives me the strength I need to face what is in front of me for the day.  I take it one day at a time.  Sometimes, one hour, one minute at a time.  

Must rest, so weary but am good overall.

Darkness and Pain in the Soul

Darkness in the soul....or should I say, darkness hovers over my head, threatening to destroy who and what I am.  I've never been through such an intense testing of who and what I am made of.  I've learned so much about me....and I realize that I like me.  I know that sounds funny but for a long time I didn't like me very much.  Outside factors influenced my perspective of myself more than they should have.

I know that God created me in His image, that He loves me like a parent loves a child.  For those of us who are parents, we get that kind of crazy love.  How it must pain Him to see His children hurting.  I'm in the middle of it, trying to figure out how God is moving in my life when it feels like He's absent sometimes.  I mean, my head knows better but my heart cries out to Him, to feel His presence.

There is no good result of this situation.  I mean, divorce is not God's plan or design.  The most that I can hope for is to use my experiences to help others toward Christ.   For me to help those who are hurting deeply with depression, divorce and other things would be rewarding.  Almost giving purpose to the pain.  The reality is there is no real purpose to pain.  It just is.  

Pain draws me to Christ.  It makes me want to know Him more.  Pain makes me yearn for Heaven.  Makes me yearn for more.  Pain gives me hope for something better.

OG, EG

My hands shook as I turned the key into my apartment.  You see, I just got home from being out.  I was just at a location where my heart got broken a while back, just one of the many times.  You see, today I saw the place where my husband told me that he "wasn't ready" to hold my hand.  I'll never forget it as long as I live.  Today I sat in my car, the power of the place washed over me and down my cheeks as the tears fell.  I mustered up the strength and walked around it to go into the building I had come to see.  

On my way out the tears were flowing down my face.  I almost walked around the spot where he had told me that.  I wanted to not feel it, to avoid it.  Who would blame me?  Then, a moment of courage flowed from Heaven and my feet began walking.  Closer, closer.  Do I dare?  Then I realized that if I am to take my power back I had to walk over the spot of my pain.  Closer, closer.  There, I've done it!  Tears readily flowed down my face.  I'm not sure but my head might be a little taller than it used to be.  

What seems like endless pain and hurt must be making me into something new.  I choose to believe that God is making me into something beautiful.  Or that maybe I'm already beautiful and He's just tidying up a bit.  

Hard to Invision my Future

Most of you know that I am unashamedly a Christian.  I believe that God is good, but I'm sure that I'm not the only one that wonders why He doesn't act like we want Him too.  Okay, pick up your chin from falling open, I know.  I've just said what we've all felt over the years.  I mean, isn't the question we all want to ask is : where is God when it hurts?  Why doesn't He fix it?  I mean, we all know that He is good.  Why couldn't He change the heart of my husband?

There, I've vented.  Having said that, I do not feel any better.  I know that God cares for me.  I've seen it in the past.  Over and over again.  But I feel like in the situation that meant the most to me, He seemed noticeably absent.  I'm mad that I have lost my family.  Or the family unit we once had.  So I sit here, alone, instead of in the arms of the one I used to love.  Where did it go wrong?  Where do I go from here?  

Everyone says I'm doing good and I am, for the most part.  For some reason, Saturday nights are hard for me.  It's then that I feel the most alone.  I also know that even though you might feel like it, no one ever died from being alone.  I know that I am never alone.  It just hurts sometimes.

Another Week

Another week has passed.  I'm another week older and I hope a lot wiser.  I am feeling stronger than ever, tough to the core.  It feels good.  Today is a big day at our house and I'm looking forward to it.  I can't wait to see the girls and have them here with me.  It's the only time I feel "home" - when they are with me.  

This morning, trying to get ready for today.  Getting the house ready.  Realizing that it won't be perfect.  Struggling with that fact.  Not sure where the need to be perfect comes from.  Probably a LONG time ago.

Still have an errand to do for today then it's GIRLS.  yea!  My best time of the week.

Mourning My Dreams, Dreaming New Ones

Hug your family tonight.  If you're married, grab your spouse and tell him or her how very much you love and cherish them.  Live life like there is no tomorrow because we're not promised a tomorrow.  Sing to your children.  Cherish them and savor your time with them.

Months ago I had a family of my own.  Now I don't.  I still have my children but I do not have a husband anymore.  My heart breaks because of that.  Sure it wasn't a good relationship toward the end but it wasn't always like that.

Tonight I'm mourning the death of my dreams for my life and for my future.  For a long time I just felt empty, without vision and without dreams for my future.  Then sometime along the way slowly God began to give me new dreams. They are still being revealed but I don't have that horrible feeling every second of every day anymore.  I do have it, just not as much.

Tonight my heart hurts for my loved one, my once husband.  I know he is hurting and I pray for him too.  Pray for those who persecute you the Bible says.  I mourn the loss of our love.  The beautiful love we had when we married.  I mean, he was my best friend.  Now I don't have that anymore.  

I'm so tired.  And it's a tired that I've never felt before, an all-body, heart sick, broken heart tired.  Somewhere under all of this I still trust God although I don't understand His ways or His plan right now.