Lord, Please

Children soothe my heart in a way that nothing else can.  I had a hard evening and just talking to them made me smile, made the craziness of life simply melt away.  Oh the joy they bring to my life.  Nothing and no one else (down here on earth) has ever meant to me what those kids do.  

My heart longs for them, longs to play the role that I was born to play: mother.  It's all I wanted out of life - to be a mom.  Wondering when and how we'll be together again.  Knowing God knows.  Working toward that day.

Lord, give me the strength.  Fill me with your strength.  Fill me up with You and only You.  I need your Help and your mercy.  Bring my children back to me.   Please.

Hate

It's so hard not to hate. I really hate X right now so much.  Each time I propose time with the children I get shot down.  I am living in a nightmare.  I want my children back.

Not Ready to Move On

I'm not ready to move on and I'm not ready for my spouse to move on either, especially not before we're divorced.  That is a low blow.  I made the decision a while back that I wouldn't date anyone while still married, so as to avoid the appearance of impropriety.  Wish I could say the same of the other person involved.  

I don't think people really just how traumatizing divorce is.  I feel like I'm in shock half the time.  I mean, I'm doing good, making progress and moving forward but it is in spite of incredible odds.  God has given me strength, sometimes just the strength for that day, often just for the moment.  I like the idea of one day at a time.  Sometimes I take it down to the hour, minute, second.  

I feel like I'm waiting for my life to start.  On one hand, it's in full swing, going full force.  On another hand, not having the children around all the time takes getting used to.  Honestly I will never get used to not being around my children all the time.  I am not at all pleased with their absence.  Working to change that is a process.  

I have a dream.  I have a dream for what I'd like my life to be like now that I'm alone and free.  I'm apprehensive about dreaming good things for myself.  I've been hurt so deeply that I used to not think that I deserved anything good.  I certainly wasn't treated with dignity and respect.  I know that I deserve to be treated like a human being, nicely.  I'll tell you what...I will never date a man who teases a lot.  I hate that.  That's how it all starts.  Then the little jabs and zingers.  Then he's putting you down over and over.

I wonder if someday God will bring someone special into my life.  Requirements:  must love kids, kittens and me above everything else in his life, except God.  Must treat me like a queen.  Must be patient with my hurting heart.  Must have similar beliefs in God, marriage, divorce, kids and everything else important.  I'm sitting here thinking that I'm never going to remarry...I'll probably just be old and alone and happy.  I want to be a grandma someday.  

I feel so free.  It's weird to be so happy.  I'm happy even though I'm sad.  I mean, I'm mourning the death of a relationship while being relieved to not be in it anymore.  When the children are with me, I am at home, at peace.  I feel then as if I'm fulfilling my purpose on this earth.  To be their mother.  I wanted nothing more.  I'm such a blessed girl. 

God, heal my broken heart and bring my children to me.

Getting Over

How long does it take you to get over the concept of divorce?  I mean, we're still going through it but I'm not entirely over the thing.  I feel in shock, like I've lost someone to a death.  The only thing is that it happens over and over again, with each time that I see him.  

Right now I can't imagine having a life after this.  I mean, I can't imagine ever falling in love again.  My heart has been hurt so extensively that I'm not sure it will ever recover.  That's just how I feel at this very moment but I believe that God is capable of healing my heart and someday bringing someone special into my life again.  Even thinking about the future, my romantic future, makes me stressed out.  

My big fear is that my current spouse will remarry and his new wife will want to be mom to my children.  I am secretely afraid that I will become obsolete.  I realize this is just my fear because everyone says that I'm their mom and am irreplaceable.  I know the kids too - they are mine.

Letting Go, Angels and the Great Architect Redraws my dreams

I'm letting go of the life I planned for me. and my dreams.  I'm losing control of my destiny. This is a giant leap of faith. Feeling the unknown. Beyond my comfort zone.  (song)

I love that song.  It so fits my life at this point.  I'm having to let go of the dreams I had for my life, my marriage and my family.  I'm allowing the master architect design new plans for me and my girls.  I have hope that there is hope.  

Music pulls me into it tonight, sitting here, alone, sad and baffled.  Baffled that someone who once loved me would continually hurt me over and over again.  Trying to wrap my head around that.  Remembering that I'm never really alone.  The Bible says that God puts angels around us.  I'm not one of those weird angel freaks but I do believe that God protects me through his angels.  I pray every night for my girls and I like to believe that God's got two angels parked over at the house sitting at the end of each girls' bed now as she sleeps.

Tonight I was beginning to feel hope for my future.  The "new normal."  I know that I am no longer the woman I once was.  God has created a new heart in me, one that is passionate about living.  One that is passionate for her family and for her friends and children.  It's very odd to try to describe what it feels like to be changed so radically from the inside out.  

Sometimes at night I wonder if God doesn't have something big for me.  Last night I was thinking that I'd like to write a book or be a speaker.  I'd like to speak to women who are struggling with depression, divorce and life struggles.  I want to be of service to others who are hurting like I hurt.  I wonder if God will do anything with that dream.  

I've got a trail to blaze.  My own.  There are so many things I'd like to do with my life.  I wonder if any of them will come to pass.  Mostly I just dream of being a good mom.  I AM a good mom.  I dream of having my children, buying a home someday and growing old.  At the end of my life slipping from this life to the next Great Adventure.

Writing has become my voice.  A voice that I don't feel like I've had for quite a while.  What I really want is to be God's voice to my children and the world.  "This is a life like no other.  This is the great adventure." - Steven Curtis Chapman

Big Day, Good Feeling

Long day.  Early morning until late at night.  Working.  Came home to a loving kitty cat who misses me when I work so long.  Too tired to do much, did some dishes, ran the dishwasher, etc.

Felt like I could conquer the world today.  I work hard every day in a job that's high-stress or at least fast paced.  It was such a feeling of accomplishment to work hard, to earn my money so that I can care for my children.

Yesterday was so incredibly stressful there are hardly any words to describe it.  God granted me the wisdom to keep my cool for the most part and state my position.  So hard.  I miss the man I used to be married to.  I mourn the loss of what we had.  I am sad for the life we are not going to have together.  I am sad at the brokenness of our little family.  As a friend of mine said to me, "everyone loses in divorce" and he's so right.  

I feel good on one hand and so incredibly sad on the other.  I'm not sure how I can ever wrap my head around the fact that I was once loved and cherished and over time I stop being loved.  What a deep blow to the heart.  Not sure my heart will ever recover from that.  

I feel numb.  I alternate between being sad, happy then numb.   God gives me the strength I need to face what is in front of me for the day.  I take it one day at a time.  Sometimes, one hour, one minute at a time.  

Must rest, so weary but am good overall.

Darkness and Pain in the Soul

Darkness in the soul....or should I say, darkness hovers over my head, threatening to destroy who and what I am.  I've never been through such an intense testing of who and what I am made of.  I've learned so much about me....and I realize that I like me.  I know that sounds funny but for a long time I didn't like me very much.  Outside factors influenced my perspective of myself more than they should have.

I know that God created me in His image, that He loves me like a parent loves a child.  For those of us who are parents, we get that kind of crazy love.  How it must pain Him to see His children hurting.  I'm in the middle of it, trying to figure out how God is moving in my life when it feels like He's absent sometimes.  I mean, my head knows better but my heart cries out to Him, to feel His presence.

There is no good result of this situation.  I mean, divorce is not God's plan or design.  The most that I can hope for is to use my experiences to help others toward Christ.   For me to help those who are hurting deeply with depression, divorce and other things would be rewarding.  Almost giving purpose to the pain.  The reality is there is no real purpose to pain.  It just is.  

Pain draws me to Christ.  It makes me want to know Him more.  Pain makes me yearn for Heaven.  Makes me yearn for more.  Pain gives me hope for something better.