I've missed you mom! said one little person tonight on the phone, anxious to tell me all about what they've been up to. I've missed you too! I say back. "So much!"
The older is distracted by whatever computer/toy game he/she was playing with that I barely got two words.
Tomorrow school starts. I'm excited for the potential for both of them. One I pray God will give insight into other people so more friends will become the norm. One I pray will have the insight into making fewer, better friends. I just mainly wish and pray for them every day. My thoughts are never far away from them as their drawings decorate my cubicle at work. I've got a ladybug, a rainbow and the first letter from one child to me via the postal system in an envelope made by the tiny fingers I love so much.
This has been a wild weekend. I've been all over the place. I've learned over the years when to do what and when to do other things. I've learned when I need more sleep and I've learned when I need to be around people and when it's not good to be alone.
I mended things today. Things coming undone. Play things. I can't wait to give them back to the kids, all put together. Won't they be happy? I smile just thinking about their faces.
Thinking about calling it a night. I've got to get up early tomorrow as it is a special day - to see my oldest march off to school. I hope this one's glad I'm there.
I'm rambling which is one way I know that I need to go to sleep. Night all!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Brighter Day
Today was a much brighter day than yesterday. This morning I got to be with "my" kids at church, next we they will be second graders! Unreal. Tomorrow my oldest starts school. I need to remember to get up early so that I can be there, waiting. Even though tomorrow isn't my day with them I will not let this go by without sharing it with her.
I need to just make it through the next couple of weeks to a month. I need to give myself some grace and mercy and be good to myself. Lately the thoughts of self-condemnation have come back into my mind. My mind often tries to do me in...! Thoughts, long engrained, of not being good enough are what I struggle with. I only have so much energy and I have to choose what I do with it. Sometimes that means that certain chores don't get done but it always means that I pour my life into my children. THAT will never change. Right now whether the table gets dusted or this or that doesn't get done isn't as important as whether or not my children are learning about God, others and themselves. Working on our relationship. Learning to become this little family of 3 now.
I've treated myself to a pizza and it's on its way. Yeah! Yum. Lunch/dinner combo. Add some pop and it's yum in my tum.
Today I apologized for the way I acted yesterday (even though I still think that I was right) but did it for the sake of the relationship. Sometimes with family you make consessions.
I really just want to make it through the rest of the day, maybe do a load of laundry, I'm doing the dishes now, and then call my kids on the phone and their dad had better let them answer or have them call back.
Thank you, my mostly silent followers for listening to this lady being REAL.
I need to just make it through the next couple of weeks to a month. I need to give myself some grace and mercy and be good to myself. Lately the thoughts of self-condemnation have come back into my mind. My mind often tries to do me in...! Thoughts, long engrained, of not being good enough are what I struggle with. I only have so much energy and I have to choose what I do with it. Sometimes that means that certain chores don't get done but it always means that I pour my life into my children. THAT will never change. Right now whether the table gets dusted or this or that doesn't get done isn't as important as whether or not my children are learning about God, others and themselves. Working on our relationship. Learning to become this little family of 3 now.
I've treated myself to a pizza and it's on its way. Yeah! Yum. Lunch/dinner combo. Add some pop and it's yum in my tum.
Today I apologized for the way I acted yesterday (even though I still think that I was right) but did it for the sake of the relationship. Sometimes with family you make consessions.
I really just want to make it through the rest of the day, maybe do a load of laundry, I'm doing the dishes now, and then call my kids on the phone and their dad had better let them answer or have them call back.
Thank you, my mostly silent followers for listening to this lady being REAL.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Broken Phone Calls and Hearts
Things not to tell your daughter when she's two weeks away from a divorce:
Me: "I'm really struggling."
Them: "Why?"
Me: "Because I'm about two weeks away from my divorce being final and I'm struggling."
Them: "You should be out there celebrating. When someone beats you down you should be celebrating."
Me: "Well I will keep my hurt to myself. Please tell X that I love her and will pray for her."
END CALL.
I am alone and have no one. I can't even share the hurt of what I am going through with my parents and that hurts so deep it's unreal. Excuse me for having feelings. For expressing those feelings to someone who always has listened. Today he has had too much with all that has gone on so I will let it slide.
This is freaking unreal. I'm allowed to feel sad. End of call.
This too Shall Pass
It's ending. I sit here alone two years after he files for divorce. We're a couple of weeks away from our covenant being broken forever. My heart hurts like I've never hurt before. I wish that I could avoid this pain but I know that I have to move through the pain, experience it, learn what God is trying to tell me and get to the other side of this intense hurting.
He left me and he took the only two things I cared about, my children. I am bitter that I am the one with visitation rights. I hate it. I want my place to be the kid's home but instead it is not that way.
Having mixed feelings about love. I once loved so very very much and that is why this time of my life is so very very hard. To hurt this badly means that I loved intensely and that would be true. I still love despite all the hurt and meanness and other things. There is a small part of me that wishes that I could just wake up one day and I'd be back home with my family intact, happy. Then my job would be being a mom.
The worst part about getting divorced is the loneliness. I used to like to be alone because that is how I gathered my wits about me. Now i am alone all the time almost and the silence is deafening. I hear the cicadas outside my window and wish that I could fly away with them to the next spot, to the next place. I guess that I'm wishing that i could escape feeling this way. I also know these feelings are temporary and that they too shall pass. Or as my high school Spanish teacher would tell me "This too shall pass." For some reason I always found that comforting. It was like someone who had experienced hurt telling the new person, it won't always be this way.
So it's a rough Saturday night. Saw a good movie, almost made me believe in love again. Almost. I believed in love once and I shared my whole world with him and he rejected me. The person that was my best friend in the world filed a paper that required my moving out of the house, his keeping my car and our kids. I do not want to forgive him. I'm still very angry about what he did and how little I got to spend with the kids.
Someday this will all be made right. (heaven). Until then, we struggle and suffer. We flounder and flap about like curtains blowing around an open window. Like a ship without a compass. Only I have a compass and my compass is set to Jesus. He is my true North.
Someday maybe I'll be the one telling someone "this too shall pass." That would be nice for that would mean that I'm on the other side of this! Until then I remain my honestly flawed and openly honest person. Tired of those who don't want to hear the hurt. If you don't want to travel with me through this divorce then leave. I do not need excess baggage. If you are willing to walk with me and with God, perhaps He will and He has shown some of Himself to me/us. Come with me.....
He left me and he took the only two things I cared about, my children. I am bitter that I am the one with visitation rights. I hate it. I want my place to be the kid's home but instead it is not that way.
Having mixed feelings about love. I once loved so very very much and that is why this time of my life is so very very hard. To hurt this badly means that I loved intensely and that would be true. I still love despite all the hurt and meanness and other things. There is a small part of me that wishes that I could just wake up one day and I'd be back home with my family intact, happy. Then my job would be being a mom.
The worst part about getting divorced is the loneliness. I used to like to be alone because that is how I gathered my wits about me. Now i am alone all the time almost and the silence is deafening. I hear the cicadas outside my window and wish that I could fly away with them to the next spot, to the next place. I guess that I'm wishing that i could escape feeling this way. I also know these feelings are temporary and that they too shall pass. Or as my high school Spanish teacher would tell me "This too shall pass." For some reason I always found that comforting. It was like someone who had experienced hurt telling the new person, it won't always be this way.
So it's a rough Saturday night. Saw a good movie, almost made me believe in love again. Almost. I believed in love once and I shared my whole world with him and he rejected me. The person that was my best friend in the world filed a paper that required my moving out of the house, his keeping my car and our kids. I do not want to forgive him. I'm still very angry about what he did and how little I got to spend with the kids.
Someday this will all be made right. (heaven). Until then, we struggle and suffer. We flounder and flap about like curtains blowing around an open window. Like a ship without a compass. Only I have a compass and my compass is set to Jesus. He is my true North.
Someday maybe I'll be the one telling someone "this too shall pass." That would be nice for that would mean that I'm on the other side of this! Until then I remain my honestly flawed and openly honest person. Tired of those who don't want to hear the hurt. If you don't want to travel with me through this divorce then leave. I do not need excess baggage. If you are willing to walk with me and with God, perhaps He will and He has shown some of Himself to me/us. Come with me.....
Alone
Woke up today, really struggling. Missing my children, my family. I'm just a few weeks away from some judge decree-ing that we're divorced. How am I supposed to feel about that? My family thinks that I've had two years to prepare. What they don't get it that two years will never prepare you for the end of your marriage. Even if it was bad you still go through stages of grief.
I hate weekends. The ones where I'm alone seem to drag by.
I lost it yesterday and broke down and cried. In front of the kids. They drew me pictures to cheer me up. I have been so strong but yesterday I just cried. Felt about a half inch tall too.
I'm human. Today I just feel alone.
I hate weekends. The ones where I'm alone seem to drag by.
I lost it yesterday and broke down and cried. In front of the kids. They drew me pictures to cheer me up. I have been so strong but yesterday I just cried. Felt about a half inch tall too.
I'm human. Today I just feel alone.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Super Focused
Today was just a weird day. I think that I took my afternoon medicines in the morning....but it must have been okay because I was able to focus all day, even working on one project for six straight hours. It was odd. I took lunch at about 2:30. Very very odd.
This morning one of my children had brought back some shoes I just bought her, saying they were too hot, etc, wanting to leave them here. I made this child deal with the fact that I was sending them back in the suitcase. What I didn't realize is that this child was bringing them here to have something here at MOM's. It bothered me all day because it hurt my feelings this morning because of our miscommunication. On the way home I figured it all out. So I called this little person and spoke with him/her and we are okay now. I apologized and asked him/her if him/her just wanted to leave them at mommy's house. This child said yes. I felt so bad that I was so blind.
Tonight my heart hurts for some friends who are undergoing some horrible situations. All I can do is offer to talk and listen. I pray and pray and pray for people every night....right as I go to bed is my special time with God. It is when we commune together. I have several people who are on the list permanently until God heals them or they go to be with Jesus.
It's not even 8:00 and I'm ready to turn in. Dinner is baking in the oven. I've got to start eating at home, I need to change my life, buy real food, eat good for me food. If that means buying new pots and pans then so be it. When we move I want to step up my game around the house and with the children. I've got PLANS.
Chicken flautas, kitties and a lazy tv night. Ah, God is good. It is nice to feel peace.
This morning one of my children had brought back some shoes I just bought her, saying they were too hot, etc, wanting to leave them here. I made this child deal with the fact that I was sending them back in the suitcase. What I didn't realize is that this child was bringing them here to have something here at MOM's. It bothered me all day because it hurt my feelings this morning because of our miscommunication. On the way home I figured it all out. So I called this little person and spoke with him/her and we are okay now. I apologized and asked him/her if him/her just wanted to leave them at mommy's house. This child said yes. I felt so bad that I was so blind.
Tonight my heart hurts for some friends who are undergoing some horrible situations. All I can do is offer to talk and listen. I pray and pray and pray for people every night....right as I go to bed is my special time with God. It is when we commune together. I have several people who are on the list permanently until God heals them or they go to be with Jesus.
It's not even 8:00 and I'm ready to turn in. Dinner is baking in the oven. I've got to start eating at home, I need to change my life, buy real food, eat good for me food. If that means buying new pots and pans then so be it. When we move I want to step up my game around the house and with the children. I've got PLANS.
Chicken flautas, kitties and a lazy tv night. Ah, God is good. It is nice to feel peace.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Craziness
Life is speeding up again and I'm not happy about it. I need to take my time and smell the roses. If I had any to smell! I miss my roses a lot. Each and every bush that I planted. I planted 7 rose bushes at my old house.....and they are doing beautifully, despite their current owner's hatred of them! :-) I think it's cosmic justice.
Work is going really good. I've found my groove, and I've also been trying to step up my game, to compete for "top dog." I think that I already have it but I have to stay sharp.
So every where there is pressure trying to creep into my life. I don't mind responsibility but pressure is when you take it too far. What I do to combat pressure: I listen to Christian radio as I drive to work, on my lunch hour I listen to it too, different problems because I go at different times every day. I listen to the Bible Answer Man on my way home from work. Other ways I combat pressure: I get enough sleep. I take a lot of sleep and usually am in bed by 9:30 and sleep until 6:55! It takes me about 20 minutes to get ready for work then it's hurry to the job.....while I listen and learn about God.
When I first moved here I used to spend my mornings crying, my lunch hour crying and the drive home to pick up my kids for their "visit" crying. I've come so far or should I say, God has brought me so far. He has set me free. He has freed my head from the thoughts and feelings that tried to take my very life on multiple occasions. He has freed me to be the kind of mom I've always wanted and wanted to be. I have hope for the first time in a long time. Just two years ago I was despondent.
Two years of excruciating pain and unimaginable growth. It took one to have the other. I had to go through the pain to get to the joy. Now, with each passing day there are more and more days with joy and less and less days filled with unhappiness.
I have dreams and goals and yes, even hopes for my future and the future of my children. Only God knows the plans He has for my life but if God is in control then He can do amazing things through me, to me and for me. I literally wouldn't have made it through the last two years unless I had a real, vital and tangible relationship with my God. He has become my all in all.
If you're reading this then you're one of my trusted few that I have told about this site. If you're that important to me, then I ask that you pray for me and for the girl's dad. Pray that God would change his heart as much as He has changed mine. Pray that I can become willing to forgive him....even if we are no longer married I still need to forgive him for the past. If I don't forgive him then I am tied to my past and that is not my reality: God has set me free and I want to be free indeed!
To have weight lifted off of my heart that has been there, festering and getting heavier year by year - to have that be lifted by God off of me is an example of His mercy. To be granted loving children with good health is grace. To get to live another day - joy.
night
Work is going really good. I've found my groove, and I've also been trying to step up my game, to compete for "top dog." I think that I already have it but I have to stay sharp.
So every where there is pressure trying to creep into my life. I don't mind responsibility but pressure is when you take it too far. What I do to combat pressure: I listen to Christian radio as I drive to work, on my lunch hour I listen to it too, different problems because I go at different times every day. I listen to the Bible Answer Man on my way home from work. Other ways I combat pressure: I get enough sleep. I take a lot of sleep and usually am in bed by 9:30 and sleep until 6:55! It takes me about 20 minutes to get ready for work then it's hurry to the job.....while I listen and learn about God.
When I first moved here I used to spend my mornings crying, my lunch hour crying and the drive home to pick up my kids for their "visit" crying. I've come so far or should I say, God has brought me so far. He has set me free. He has freed my head from the thoughts and feelings that tried to take my very life on multiple occasions. He has freed me to be the kind of mom I've always wanted and wanted to be. I have hope for the first time in a long time. Just two years ago I was despondent.
Two years of excruciating pain and unimaginable growth. It took one to have the other. I had to go through the pain to get to the joy. Now, with each passing day there are more and more days with joy and less and less days filled with unhappiness.
I have dreams and goals and yes, even hopes for my future and the future of my children. Only God knows the plans He has for my life but if God is in control then He can do amazing things through me, to me and for me. I literally wouldn't have made it through the last two years unless I had a real, vital and tangible relationship with my God. He has become my all in all.
If you're reading this then you're one of my trusted few that I have told about this site. If you're that important to me, then I ask that you pray for me and for the girl's dad. Pray that God would change his heart as much as He has changed mine. Pray that I can become willing to forgive him....even if we are no longer married I still need to forgive him for the past. If I don't forgive him then I am tied to my past and that is not my reality: God has set me free and I want to be free indeed!
To have weight lifted off of my heart that has been there, festering and getting heavier year by year - to have that be lifted by God off of me is an example of His mercy. To be granted loving children with good health is grace. To get to live another day - joy.
night
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