Kisses with gusto. That is what I'm teaching my little one who has always been timid at expressing his/her feelings. Tonight as I was doing my nighttime tuck-in routine the little one leaned over and kissed my cheek over and over and over again with GUSTO! It was so cute. I actually had happy tears.
God is good. I feel like I'm finally living. I'm through waiting for something that will never happen and now I am living each day, not mourning what could have been, but living in the here and the now. Living each day as God would have me. Trying desperately to remain honorable in a non-honorable situation. Wanting to honor God in the midst of hurt and horrible sadness.
Tonight I told one of my kids about how God has a plan for all our lives and that we just see a tiny piece of it but that He has all our days planned. That He knows the hairs on our heads. That even though we've been through something sad and hard that God has a plan for us, a plan to give us hope and a future. I pray my message sunk through the tiny noggin. For not the first time but close to it I actually believed what I was saying!!!!
I do feel like hope is in order. The next week will be stressful as we head to trial but God is big and bigger than the battle. God will be glorified in the middle of all of this. I will try very hard to act in a way that is worthy of the title of Christian. It will be hard. Last weekend I broke down completely, I was so sad. There was no one to talk to and I bore it by myself. Then I realized that I was not alone, that God was caring for me in a very real way.
I'm not sure what emotions I'll feel as I hear the judge read the settlement onto the record. I will have family there I'm sure which will help. After that I plan to be alone. I want to have the freedom to feel sad if that's how I feel. My family does not understand this component, they just think that I'll be free of someone who hurt me. They don't realize that I am letting go of the dream of the man I think God created him to be. He will now become this man without me. Our dreams will slowly fade and new ones will take their places I'm sure. Our plans the same.
I am unsure of my future. I'm constantly worried if I will be able to provide for myself, to make a way in this world. I might not currently reside in my own home but someday I hope to buy one and it will be filled with love. And my children.
Someday. Until then I wait upon the Lord.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Pray without Ceasing
Home is when the children are here. It is then that I am most at peace, I am in my element. I miss them passionately when they are away. Our evening started out rough with bad attitudes, fit throwing and more. Eventually I got an apology from my big one and a hug. It must be hard to go from one home to the other parent's home.
Tomorrow is special breakfast in the a.m. then grocery store with the kids. We are eating at home this weekend.....I already made my list, it is in my purse and I am ready.
Today was good. Went out for lunch and had a productive day at work. Closed three things today. Our boss mentioned that he is going to propose and incentive program based off of all the money we've saved the company when compared to last year - we are on track to save the company about 250,000 or more over the course of the year. And that is with a completely new department. I hope our boss is able to convince his boss (one of the owners) that is a way to compensate us for all that we do. We bust our buns for them.....and are paid poorly compared to what we should be paid. I am very thankful to just be gainfully employed and plan to stay as long as I can afford it and they still like me.
I am about ready to move in about two or less months. Freaks me out. I need to arrange a mover STAT. Hoping for family help but it might not happen and I can't count on that.
Lots of bills coming up....I still owe back taxes on my stupid alimony (I didn't plan that) for last year that I am paying off monthly. Then I am paying off a debt that I was left with and I'm almost done. Then I'm taking one of my kids to the eye doctor because I don't think that he/she can see very well.
So pray. Pray that God provides a way as He has so far. It's a daily trust thing.
Pray for my little family of little people. Pray that God will give me wisdom to know how to raise them up in the way that they should go. I am always teaching them something. Tonight we had a little hands on craft action. Little one was diggin that.
Pray pray pray without ceasing it says in the Bible. What is neat about that is that it give us insight into the type of relationship we are to have with our Heavenly Father - always talking to him in prayer about things happening in our lives and others. Like an open ended conversation with your best friend.
Tomorrow is special breakfast in the a.m. then grocery store with the kids. We are eating at home this weekend.....I already made my list, it is in my purse and I am ready.
Today was good. Went out for lunch and had a productive day at work. Closed three things today. Our boss mentioned that he is going to propose and incentive program based off of all the money we've saved the company when compared to last year - we are on track to save the company about 250,000 or more over the course of the year. And that is with a completely new department. I hope our boss is able to convince his boss (one of the owners) that is a way to compensate us for all that we do. We bust our buns for them.....and are paid poorly compared to what we should be paid. I am very thankful to just be gainfully employed and plan to stay as long as I can afford it and they still like me.
I am about ready to move in about two or less months. Freaks me out. I need to arrange a mover STAT. Hoping for family help but it might not happen and I can't count on that.
Lots of bills coming up....I still owe back taxes on my stupid alimony (I didn't plan that) for last year that I am paying off monthly. Then I am paying off a debt that I was left with and I'm almost done. Then I'm taking one of my kids to the eye doctor because I don't think that he/she can see very well.
So pray. Pray that God provides a way as He has so far. It's a daily trust thing.
Pray for my little family of little people. Pray that God will give me wisdom to know how to raise them up in the way that they should go. I am always teaching them something. Tonight we had a little hands on craft action. Little one was diggin that.
Pray pray pray without ceasing it says in the Bible. What is neat about that is that it give us insight into the type of relationship we are to have with our Heavenly Father - always talking to him in prayer about things happening in our lives and others. Like an open ended conversation with your best friend.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Radically Me
The state of the union. I am doing okay tonight all things considered. It was a very stressful day; no lunch until 3:30!!!! That is the wildest day at work yet. I swear I got 50 emails in the course of an hour. I like a challenge but holy cow. Tomorrow I am not doing a new one; I am going to work all my existing ones to see what I can close.
Tonight my heart hurts for a friend whose marriage is hurting too. God is good though and I believe that He will heal their marriage. I just have a feeling. Until then I will pray and listen and pray and listen some more. I will return the favor for all of you who have listened to me over the past couple of years and who have prayed and continue to pray for me.
I know that I'm stressed out when I'm almost getting hives!! The internal dialogue between my heart and mind is amusing. My heart longs for one thing that is not good for it while my mind tells me what is best for me. I choose to listen to my mind. What my mind says is verified by what my family and friends know of my situation. The heart wants what the heart wants. That is why we should not let our emotions run our lives. First comes the thought then follows the emotion. If I learned one thing in therapy for all those years it is that.
I am, day by day, building a life for myself. With some old friends and some new friends. With a new church that I totally love and love participating in. I get up every day and am faithful to my employer and put in my best on every thing that I do. I love my children passionately and want the very best for them. I am not thrilled to be a single mom but I am now. Now I need to be a single mom with dignity. Not perfection just dignity. And grace.
What would life be like without God's grace? There would be no meaning, no sense of purpose, it would all be for naught. I think it is amazing that our Heavenly Father cares about us so passionately that he knows exactly how many hairs are on each of our heads. He knows when one of his sparrows falls from the sky. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. People do you get the awesomeness of that? I want to shout it from my rooftop!
The next week to ten days is going to be hard. We are winding down and the divorce will happen very soon. We're scrambling to settle before meeting with the judge. Much remains to be settled. I can't believe that I'm going to sit there while the judge reads the settlement into the record and we both have to agree to it publically. What the heck am I going to do with those feelings? Am I supposed to go back to work after that? Not. I have a feeling that I am going to want to be alone. I know that I have counseling that night so hopefully that will be good timing.
I find myself smiling now days. At Price Chopper I like to smile at all the old ladies. I like it when I stop at Quik Trip that men open the door for me. That feels nice. It has been a while since I was treated like a human being and it's not bad! I see people around me at work who are hurting, whose kids are in serious trouble and who are just hurting and need Jesus. I could be the only Jesus these people will see. So I try to live in a way that honors Jesus while still being honest about the hurts and ups and downs of my life and my problems.
God is good. I say that a lot but mostly because it's true. Until you've seen the darkness of night you can't appreciate the light of His goodness fully. I have come from the dark into the light and there is healing there and peace. And people who love me even though I'm radically me.
Night all
Tonight my heart hurts for a friend whose marriage is hurting too. God is good though and I believe that He will heal their marriage. I just have a feeling. Until then I will pray and listen and pray and listen some more. I will return the favor for all of you who have listened to me over the past couple of years and who have prayed and continue to pray for me.
I know that I'm stressed out when I'm almost getting hives!! The internal dialogue between my heart and mind is amusing. My heart longs for one thing that is not good for it while my mind tells me what is best for me. I choose to listen to my mind. What my mind says is verified by what my family and friends know of my situation. The heart wants what the heart wants. That is why we should not let our emotions run our lives. First comes the thought then follows the emotion. If I learned one thing in therapy for all those years it is that.
I am, day by day, building a life for myself. With some old friends and some new friends. With a new church that I totally love and love participating in. I get up every day and am faithful to my employer and put in my best on every thing that I do. I love my children passionately and want the very best for them. I am not thrilled to be a single mom but I am now. Now I need to be a single mom with dignity. Not perfection just dignity. And grace.
What would life be like without God's grace? There would be no meaning, no sense of purpose, it would all be for naught. I think it is amazing that our Heavenly Father cares about us so passionately that he knows exactly how many hairs are on each of our heads. He knows when one of his sparrows falls from the sky. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. People do you get the awesomeness of that? I want to shout it from my rooftop!
The next week to ten days is going to be hard. We are winding down and the divorce will happen very soon. We're scrambling to settle before meeting with the judge. Much remains to be settled. I can't believe that I'm going to sit there while the judge reads the settlement into the record and we both have to agree to it publically. What the heck am I going to do with those feelings? Am I supposed to go back to work after that? Not. I have a feeling that I am going to want to be alone. I know that I have counseling that night so hopefully that will be good timing.
I find myself smiling now days. At Price Chopper I like to smile at all the old ladies. I like it when I stop at Quik Trip that men open the door for me. That feels nice. It has been a while since I was treated like a human being and it's not bad! I see people around me at work who are hurting, whose kids are in serious trouble and who are just hurting and need Jesus. I could be the only Jesus these people will see. So I try to live in a way that honors Jesus while still being honest about the hurts and ups and downs of my life and my problems.
God is good. I say that a lot but mostly because it's true. Until you've seen the darkness of night you can't appreciate the light of His goodness fully. I have come from the dark into the light and there is healing there and peace. And people who love me even though I'm radically me.
Night all
Monday, August 16, 2010
More questions than Answers
Listen up people....the goal is NOT happiness. If it were happiness I'd scoot down to the closest liquor store and drink myself happy. As believers we are to strive for something way higher than happiness - God's will. I'm not talking about following Him in the good times. I'm talking about the clinging to my Heavenly Father thing. When your insides hurt so bad you wish for anything to change the way you feel or the hurt you're feeling. The goal is still not happiness. The goal is communion with our Heavenly Father. Deep, intense relationship with one who truly knows us and loves us anyway!
I am so blessed. Compared to the things my friends are dealing with the things I'm struggling with are a piece of cake. Young men and old friends who have cancer. People with children with developmental disabilities. People who have lost someone they loved. People who have lost hope. These are the very people Christ came to save. No, I'm not talking about a free pass from pain, I'm talking about the redemptive power of Christ's love for us.
We're not promised lives with no pain. In fact I would wager to say that the believer is on par with the type of pains those in "the world" go through. Our divorce rate in the church is the same. I would imagine the rate of sexual assault is the same. I know the rate for domestic abuse is the same. We're all the same. We are all living in this broken world. Sure, God can heal when and if He chooses but sometimes He wants us to honor Him in our pain. THAT is a calling, let me tell you.
At the very beginning of my divorce process I thought to myself: I just want people to see Jesus in me through this pain. The cool thing is that I've been able to meet people on a whole different level, a much more intimate level. Believers and unbelievers alike sharing their pain with me....for whatever reason they feel safe enough to do that.
Many years ago I wanted to be a counselor. It would be a great second career to have. Maybe it will just be a ministry. I want to teach young women how to love their husbands. I know, I'm not qualified on that one but in a way, I'm very uniquely qualified. God gave and then for some reason took away my marriage my safety net. The one thing that I put first in my life is now in pieces. I don't understand why God has done this or allowed it to happen. It is definitely as a result of my actions, or our actions as a couple.
I have more quesitons than answers. Each day I thank God that I have a good job, that it's fairly secure (at the moment) and that I've got good health insurance. What a blessing. There are many who do not have work so I am blessed beyond measure.
One thing I know tonight and if you're reading this and hurting, God is still good. No matter what the pain we're experiencing, it does not change the fact that He is immeasurably good. That He wants good things for His children. We are his brightest creation, the apple of His eye. Rest in Him tonight you with the hurting heart. I will pray that God will bring you rest.
night
I am so blessed. Compared to the things my friends are dealing with the things I'm struggling with are a piece of cake. Young men and old friends who have cancer. People with children with developmental disabilities. People who have lost someone they loved. People who have lost hope. These are the very people Christ came to save. No, I'm not talking about a free pass from pain, I'm talking about the redemptive power of Christ's love for us.
We're not promised lives with no pain. In fact I would wager to say that the believer is on par with the type of pains those in "the world" go through. Our divorce rate in the church is the same. I would imagine the rate of sexual assault is the same. I know the rate for domestic abuse is the same. We're all the same. We are all living in this broken world. Sure, God can heal when and if He chooses but sometimes He wants us to honor Him in our pain. THAT is a calling, let me tell you.
At the very beginning of my divorce process I thought to myself: I just want people to see Jesus in me through this pain. The cool thing is that I've been able to meet people on a whole different level, a much more intimate level. Believers and unbelievers alike sharing their pain with me....for whatever reason they feel safe enough to do that.
Many years ago I wanted to be a counselor. It would be a great second career to have. Maybe it will just be a ministry. I want to teach young women how to love their husbands. I know, I'm not qualified on that one but in a way, I'm very uniquely qualified. God gave and then for some reason took away my marriage my safety net. The one thing that I put first in my life is now in pieces. I don't understand why God has done this or allowed it to happen. It is definitely as a result of my actions, or our actions as a couple.
I have more quesitons than answers. Each day I thank God that I have a good job, that it's fairly secure (at the moment) and that I've got good health insurance. What a blessing. There are many who do not have work so I am blessed beyond measure.
One thing I know tonight and if you're reading this and hurting, God is still good. No matter what the pain we're experiencing, it does not change the fact that He is immeasurably good. That He wants good things for His children. We are his brightest creation, the apple of His eye. Rest in Him tonight you with the hurting heart. I will pray that God will bring you rest.
night
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Roller coaster weekend
I've missed you mom! said one little person tonight on the phone, anxious to tell me all about what they've been up to. I've missed you too! I say back. "So much!"
The older is distracted by whatever computer/toy game he/she was playing with that I barely got two words.
Tomorrow school starts. I'm excited for the potential for both of them. One I pray God will give insight into other people so more friends will become the norm. One I pray will have the insight into making fewer, better friends. I just mainly wish and pray for them every day. My thoughts are never far away from them as their drawings decorate my cubicle at work. I've got a ladybug, a rainbow and the first letter from one child to me via the postal system in an envelope made by the tiny fingers I love so much.
This has been a wild weekend. I've been all over the place. I've learned over the years when to do what and when to do other things. I've learned when I need more sleep and I've learned when I need to be around people and when it's not good to be alone.
I mended things today. Things coming undone. Play things. I can't wait to give them back to the kids, all put together. Won't they be happy? I smile just thinking about their faces.
Thinking about calling it a night. I've got to get up early tomorrow as it is a special day - to see my oldest march off to school. I hope this one's glad I'm there.
I'm rambling which is one way I know that I need to go to sleep. Night all!
The older is distracted by whatever computer/toy game he/she was playing with that I barely got two words.
Tomorrow school starts. I'm excited for the potential for both of them. One I pray God will give insight into other people so more friends will become the norm. One I pray will have the insight into making fewer, better friends. I just mainly wish and pray for them every day. My thoughts are never far away from them as their drawings decorate my cubicle at work. I've got a ladybug, a rainbow and the first letter from one child to me via the postal system in an envelope made by the tiny fingers I love so much.
This has been a wild weekend. I've been all over the place. I've learned over the years when to do what and when to do other things. I've learned when I need more sleep and I've learned when I need to be around people and when it's not good to be alone.
I mended things today. Things coming undone. Play things. I can't wait to give them back to the kids, all put together. Won't they be happy? I smile just thinking about their faces.
Thinking about calling it a night. I've got to get up early tomorrow as it is a special day - to see my oldest march off to school. I hope this one's glad I'm there.
I'm rambling which is one way I know that I need to go to sleep. Night all!
Brighter Day
Today was a much brighter day than yesterday. This morning I got to be with "my" kids at church, next we they will be second graders! Unreal. Tomorrow my oldest starts school. I need to remember to get up early so that I can be there, waiting. Even though tomorrow isn't my day with them I will not let this go by without sharing it with her.
I need to just make it through the next couple of weeks to a month. I need to give myself some grace and mercy and be good to myself. Lately the thoughts of self-condemnation have come back into my mind. My mind often tries to do me in...! Thoughts, long engrained, of not being good enough are what I struggle with. I only have so much energy and I have to choose what I do with it. Sometimes that means that certain chores don't get done but it always means that I pour my life into my children. THAT will never change. Right now whether the table gets dusted or this or that doesn't get done isn't as important as whether or not my children are learning about God, others and themselves. Working on our relationship. Learning to become this little family of 3 now.
I've treated myself to a pizza and it's on its way. Yeah! Yum. Lunch/dinner combo. Add some pop and it's yum in my tum.
Today I apologized for the way I acted yesterday (even though I still think that I was right) but did it for the sake of the relationship. Sometimes with family you make consessions.
I really just want to make it through the rest of the day, maybe do a load of laundry, I'm doing the dishes now, and then call my kids on the phone and their dad had better let them answer or have them call back.
Thank you, my mostly silent followers for listening to this lady being REAL.
I need to just make it through the next couple of weeks to a month. I need to give myself some grace and mercy and be good to myself. Lately the thoughts of self-condemnation have come back into my mind. My mind often tries to do me in...! Thoughts, long engrained, of not being good enough are what I struggle with. I only have so much energy and I have to choose what I do with it. Sometimes that means that certain chores don't get done but it always means that I pour my life into my children. THAT will never change. Right now whether the table gets dusted or this or that doesn't get done isn't as important as whether or not my children are learning about God, others and themselves. Working on our relationship. Learning to become this little family of 3 now.
I've treated myself to a pizza and it's on its way. Yeah! Yum. Lunch/dinner combo. Add some pop and it's yum in my tum.
Today I apologized for the way I acted yesterday (even though I still think that I was right) but did it for the sake of the relationship. Sometimes with family you make consessions.
I really just want to make it through the rest of the day, maybe do a load of laundry, I'm doing the dishes now, and then call my kids on the phone and their dad had better let them answer or have them call back.
Thank you, my mostly silent followers for listening to this lady being REAL.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Broken Phone Calls and Hearts
Things not to tell your daughter when she's two weeks away from a divorce:
Me: "I'm really struggling."
Them: "Why?"
Me: "Because I'm about two weeks away from my divorce being final and I'm struggling."
Them: "You should be out there celebrating. When someone beats you down you should be celebrating."
Me: "Well I will keep my hurt to myself. Please tell X that I love her and will pray for her."
END CALL.
I am alone and have no one. I can't even share the hurt of what I am going through with my parents and that hurts so deep it's unreal. Excuse me for having feelings. For expressing those feelings to someone who always has listened. Today he has had too much with all that has gone on so I will let it slide.
This is freaking unreal. I'm allowed to feel sad. End of call.
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