Don't Sweat the Small Stuff!

I had a great night tonight.  Got a lot of things done; felt good, no stress.  Just fun, loving my kids and a little bump in the road but no big deal.  Tonight I have to give my children back to God.  I give them to Him for their protection.  I want them so much.

I think that God will care for them.  Still it is hard for me, as a mom, to not step up when something comes up.  As a friend said "don't sweat the small stuff."  Thank you to my friend for that good reminder. My problem is this is a culmination of small things.

Tonight I have to let it go.  I am going to go to bed.

Tomorrow is another day.  God will provide me with the strength to get through it.

Did this Day Count for Eternity?

Another day has passed.  I feel like that at the end of every day.  Did I make this day count?  Did I do something today that counts for God's kingdom?

I lost my voice today, I just woke up and it was gone.  I squeeked my way through work all day, managing not to get sick(er).  I'm hoping it's some kind of cold.

I think that I'm going to call it a night.  This blog can wait another day as can everything else.

Until next time,

FIL or Friends in Limbo

Being in the middle of a divorce while a Christian is a lot like being a leper back when leprosy required that you totally isolate yourself away from people.  You don't fit into any group, you're not the young married, you're not the old married, you're not single and you're not divorced.  You are forever in limbo.

Have I told you how much I hate being in limbo?  I want to be finally free.  Free to start my life over.  Living in limbo has eaten at my soul.

I want to date and have it be okay.  I want to meet some amazing man someday, grow in love with each other and get married.  That would be great.  But instead we have the equivalency of spiritual leprosy.  Even though I did not want this divorce it often does not matter 'cuz in a lot of Christian circles they are closed minded and do not know the whole "picture" in my case.

So I am in limbo.  I have another friend who is also in limbo.  Apparently it is okay we hang out.  I haven't heard about it from anyone about him yet.  But we're not dating.  Just friends.  Friends in limbo.  FIL.  That is my new motto that I think that I'm going to have stamped on my forehead!  Friends in limbo.

What's funny must be what God is thinking as I write this.  Like any patient parent He is probably watching me spin my wheels, getting impatient when He has His own plans for my life which are on HIS timetable, not mine.  He might not ever bring me someone to love.  Will I still love Him then?  Of course.  Will it be easy?  Not in a million years.  Will I do that if that is what God calls me to?  A hundred million times yes.

So here's to my friends in limbo out there.  Lets join hands in solidarity of our situation, thank the Lord we at least have each other to lean on and go from there!

Those are my ramblings for tonight. Until next time.....I remain.....loved by God.

Diving In

Sitting here, alone in my apartment, on my weekend without the kids.  I'm fairly sure this is the first weekend without them that I've had fun.  Even WITHOUT them. Grown up fun.  It is an odd concept as my world was and is them but having friends as an adult is also good.

This is going to be a month of change, I can tell.  I move to new apartment, might finalize divorce and am looking into the possibility of a new job.  I'm excited about all three in unique ways.  If you're one of my secret followers, pray that God will provide right job that pays right in His timing.

I'm sitting here dying my hair.  I've wanted to do this for a year or more.  Now is the time.  No risk, no reward as a friend of mine put it.  How true.  I think that is also true in our relationships with other people and our children.  No risk, no reward.  You have to let yourself be open to risking being known by others in order to reap the reward of the joy of being known by them and still accepted.  This has been the theme and hard issue of my life.  So now instead of being hard I just give back to God and say "Here.  This is yours"  you do what it what you want."

Happiness has begun to creep back into my heart again.  It's an amazing feeling.  Foreign a bit but amazing nonetheless.

I want to move and burn my sofas and chairs.  Seriously.  But I can't afford to right now.  For now they are going to have to work.  I'm hoping that in the winter I can replace with more long-term sofa and chairs.  We'll see.

I feel like I'm standing again at the end of that diving board, about ready to jump, but instead of fear there is mostly peace.  That is nice.

My Thoughts on This Saturday in September

You know lately I've discovered that the woe is me's have come back.  Today as I talked to a friend it was depressing even me.  I've been in a funky state for about a month.  Now is time to snap out of it.

This weekend I felt human again.  I know,  that sounds weird but when you've been holed up in this apartment for two years....it is nice to re-join the human race.  Had a fun time going to a movie last night.  I haven't been to a movie with anyone other than kids for two years.  I felt like a grown up again.!  yes, you can all stop laughing at me now.  It is true.

Tomorrow is church and then NOTHING.  I need to get some boxes and just start packing this stuff up.  I am excited about move, even if it is into a tiny little apartment.  I plan to make it my home.  I might even buy curtains for this next place.  Hold onto your hats, ladies and gentlemen.  Yes,  homey things are now going to enter my apartment.  I just signed a year lease but most likely I will be there about 2 or more years until I hope to put a downpayment down on a home. (my dream).

Who knows? A lot can change in two years.  So much has changed in the last two years....some good and some bad but my God works all things together for good for them who love Him.  Even these horrible days of divorce pain I can use to glorify him through it.  That's the bottom line.  I want to live a life that glorifies God.  Each and every day.  I do not do that perfectly, so not even close.

Today when I was asked about my plans for my future I think that I said some of what I want but was afraid to say what I really want.   I'm afraid to be vulnerable even if it is just to a friend.  My sense of trust was broken in two when my spouse filed for divorce.  At that point I began to mistrust anybody.  I did not know who was really on my side and who wasn't.

Truth be told, I'd like to get married again.  And I don't want to wait a million years to do it.  I want to share my life with someone who holds the same faith as me, who loves me passionately as I do him.  I want it to be equal.  I am willing to follow as any good wife should and willing to submit out of faith, not because some evil person requires it of me.  I want to follow someone, I need someone who will lead me.  I'm a very strong person and personality and I'm not for everyone.  I probably talk too much and am taken the wrong way a LOT.  My heart is good, my intentions are good but execution sometimes is lacking.

So lots of things to pray for.  Mainly that I make it through the month of October and live to see another day!  ha

Night all

Can I have another chance at love

Good hectic morning at work then we had power outages this afternoon which they let us go home.  I just hope they pay for it.  Better.

Had a fun afternoon; surprised a friend where he works, got to meet/re-meet his family.  Very nice people.

Then it was racing home to get milk and eggs on the way home..then picking up kids and making dinner despite yelling and just unruly behavior.  After dinner I decided to make brownie/cookie things that we picked out at the store the other day.  They smell good.  Started them so late the kids can't have them until tomorrow in their lunches....which is a good thing.

I am hanging out, surfing the net on my OWN internet connection and it RULES.  I'm head over heels for my internet access.  Ha

Tonight I am thankful for the friends I have, the family who supports me, the possibility of hope and a future.  I am thankful that God has given me dreams and hopefully someday He will bring them to completion.  They involve a home, a yard with beautiful roses and flowers.  A home full of love and kids.  A home where my husband and I are crazy for each other and committed to each other forever.  FOREVER.  I want a marriage that sticks, one where both parties know that divorce is not an option, ever.

I dream of a home where love abides.  Where children play.  Where there is giggling by both little people and big people.  Where we live together all together, as one.  Where this husband of mine and I are one.  One in dreams, one in spirit, one in body.

I feel like I've been jipped.  I signed on for life and got a few years.  That is unfair.  It was not what I dreamed my whole life for.  I dreamed of being treated with kindness but instead was treated unkindly.  I dreamed of being cherished but instead was treated with disdain.  I dreamed of a house full of kids and that was cut short.

Bottom line my dreams were cut short.  I sit here, starting over.  Choosing to not live in bitterness.  Choosing to live instead for my Lord.  For my children.  For them I get out of bed when my body feels like I am dying and work with mean people all day long.  For them I will do anything.  And do.

I just want another chance at love.

My God Will Supply ALL My Needs

I had an okay day today.  This morning my stress was high but once I got into my zone I actually got a lot done.  I closed three claims today and opened three, almost four today.  I managed to NOT make my angriest military member angrier today which is a definite bonus as he already went to my boss.  (not good...boss was nice about it...only person I've ever had to talk to him about.).  Boss said he knew about it for two days before I even brought it to him!  I'm not sure that is good or bad.  I know he trusts my judgement.  Still it was humiliating to admit that I've screwed up with a member.  Oh well I think it just shows that I'm human.  Given my level of stress last week it's amazing I didn't tell that guy (not my boss, the other guy) where to go because I SO WANTED TO.

Today I was both excited about my new life and sad about my old life.  I wonder, will I ever quit being sad about old life and fully immerse myself into new life?  When will I let myself be happy, take myself off the hook, quit blaming myself even a little bit?   This, like taking off my wedding ring is a decision that I get to make.  I can decide it's time.  So what is that so darn scary?  Because it's new territory.  I've lived looking back for two years and now I want to look forward to my new life.  I so hope that my new life includes love.  I long to love and be loved.  To be cherished and to cherish another.  To have that once in a lifetime connection happen....again.  So a twice in a lifetime connection maybe.  ha.

The bottom line is that I have been blessed beyond measure in my life.  My God has supplied for my every need and still continues to supply my every need.  When the stress of life creeps up on me, I need to remember that it's God who is running this show.  When I wonder how I can manage to arrange and pay for upcoming things I need to remember that my God knows the name of every star He created and decorated the night sky with.  That He knows each and every side hair on my head.  This Creator can manage to help me through the next month of my pitiful and very small life.

My God will supply all my needs.  I need reminding of that tonight.  Even if those needs include love.  He too can supply that for me in His own timing.  (hurry up Lord! )

I feel completely inadequate to live up to my responsibilities sometimes.  The weight of being a single mom is weighing heavily on my heart tonight.  My heart is also heavy for a friend who is struggling through a divorce.  Sometimes to be a friend you just have to listen and listen and listen.  I plan to listen until he feels better.  However long that takes.  I've had people do it for me.....so now it is my turn to do for others.