I Feel Like ME Again, or Finally!

Tonight I was listening to Sanctus Real's song "Lead Me" and I feel like it was the story of my life.  I listened to the story behind the song which blew me away.  On YouTube.  It made me sad.  I so wanted my husband to be a spiritual leader and he wasn't.  I guess I was used to the man being that role.  My dad is the spiritual leader of not only his marriage to my mom but of our family.  So I was sitting here, listening to this song just an hour after my counselor told me that I seemed really happy.  I was sitting here and the tears welled up and I just started crying again.

I seriously have been happier in the last couple months than I have been in many many years.  God has changed me, from the inside out.  I'm still a work in progress....there is much that still must change.  At first, when this all happened I felt like it was happening TO me.  I guess that I feel like it's happening WITH me.  God has used my heart for Him to change me, from the inside out.  He has created me to become an even better, more committed mother.  He has given me courage, man, serious courage to face down what would have once leveled me.  Now I look at the things I face with an attitude of "lets see what God's going to do!"  The truth is, God has led me, provided for me, each and every time.  Around every bend.  In the dark times when I did not think that I could go on and in the times of extreme joy and relief.  He was and is there with me for all of that.

Sitting here listening to Francesca Battestelli.  I like her music; I relate and resonate to her lyrics.

I'm excited for my future.  God has a plan for me....I'm beginning to see glimpses of what it might be and I'm very excited.  One of the first things that I'm going to do is move to a new place next month.  It will be a challenge because it will be smaller but I'm kind of looking forward to that too  - less for me to maintain so maybe I can do it better and keep a more organized home.  I would really like that and I know my kids would too.

I feel like my heart has come back to life.   I think for many years my heart was fractured, even part of it was removed/pulled away.  Disengaged.  That is what happens when you step on my heart over and over for years.  I pulled away in a self protective bubble, literally feeling like I was being attacked.  Not physically, just mentally.  My already fractured heart was then completely broken when my husband filed for divorce.  It rocked my world, turned everything I believed about people upside down.  I no longer knew who I could trust so my heart pulled in further, to protect it.

Throughout this time I kept going to counseling and I kept talking about all this "stuff"  It was hard, I would often leave counseling feeling like I'd been run over by a pickup truck.  Sometimes there were good things to report, sometimes hard things to report.  Sometimes I didn't want to talk but I did anyway because I knew it was good for me.  There were times that I felt like the only person I was really talking to was my counselor and one of my family members who will remain nameless but I love you! (smack-kiss)

How does one navigate through a divorce with grace?  My only goal through this was to live out my life in a way that honored God THROUGH the pain and hurt.  That even my brokenness could glorify my Heavenly Father.  That was my heart's wish.

Part of me is scared, part of me is excited and a lot of me is happy these days.  Yes, you will often find me laughing and SMILING, this act you do with your mouth that shows joy.  I even smile a lot now.  It's cool.  I feel like I am getting some of what made me ME back.  Funny, it has taken an old friend to remind me of who I really am.  It's neat how God can use people in your life for good.  And how Satan can use people to destroy.

Tonight I just have happiness.  God is doing things.  He's moving, can you feel it in your life?

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff!

I had a great night tonight.  Got a lot of things done; felt good, no stress.  Just fun, loving my kids and a little bump in the road but no big deal.  Tonight I have to give my children back to God.  I give them to Him for their protection.  I want them so much.

I think that God will care for them.  Still it is hard for me, as a mom, to not step up when something comes up.  As a friend said "don't sweat the small stuff."  Thank you to my friend for that good reminder. My problem is this is a culmination of small things.

Tonight I have to let it go.  I am going to go to bed.

Tomorrow is another day.  God will provide me with the strength to get through it.

Did this Day Count for Eternity?

Another day has passed.  I feel like that at the end of every day.  Did I make this day count?  Did I do something today that counts for God's kingdom?

I lost my voice today, I just woke up and it was gone.  I squeeked my way through work all day, managing not to get sick(er).  I'm hoping it's some kind of cold.

I think that I'm going to call it a night.  This blog can wait another day as can everything else.

Until next time,

FIL or Friends in Limbo

Being in the middle of a divorce while a Christian is a lot like being a leper back when leprosy required that you totally isolate yourself away from people.  You don't fit into any group, you're not the young married, you're not the old married, you're not single and you're not divorced.  You are forever in limbo.

Have I told you how much I hate being in limbo?  I want to be finally free.  Free to start my life over.  Living in limbo has eaten at my soul.

I want to date and have it be okay.  I want to meet some amazing man someday, grow in love with each other and get married.  That would be great.  But instead we have the equivalency of spiritual leprosy.  Even though I did not want this divorce it often does not matter 'cuz in a lot of Christian circles they are closed minded and do not know the whole "picture" in my case.

So I am in limbo.  I have another friend who is also in limbo.  Apparently it is okay we hang out.  I haven't heard about it from anyone about him yet.  But we're not dating.  Just friends.  Friends in limbo.  FIL.  That is my new motto that I think that I'm going to have stamped on my forehead!  Friends in limbo.

What's funny must be what God is thinking as I write this.  Like any patient parent He is probably watching me spin my wheels, getting impatient when He has His own plans for my life which are on HIS timetable, not mine.  He might not ever bring me someone to love.  Will I still love Him then?  Of course.  Will it be easy?  Not in a million years.  Will I do that if that is what God calls me to?  A hundred million times yes.

So here's to my friends in limbo out there.  Lets join hands in solidarity of our situation, thank the Lord we at least have each other to lean on and go from there!

Those are my ramblings for tonight. Until next time.....I remain.....loved by God.

Diving In

Sitting here, alone in my apartment, on my weekend without the kids.  I'm fairly sure this is the first weekend without them that I've had fun.  Even WITHOUT them. Grown up fun.  It is an odd concept as my world was and is them but having friends as an adult is also good.

This is going to be a month of change, I can tell.  I move to new apartment, might finalize divorce and am looking into the possibility of a new job.  I'm excited about all three in unique ways.  If you're one of my secret followers, pray that God will provide right job that pays right in His timing.

I'm sitting here dying my hair.  I've wanted to do this for a year or more.  Now is the time.  No risk, no reward as a friend of mine put it.  How true.  I think that is also true in our relationships with other people and our children.  No risk, no reward.  You have to let yourself be open to risking being known by others in order to reap the reward of the joy of being known by them and still accepted.  This has been the theme and hard issue of my life.  So now instead of being hard I just give back to God and say "Here.  This is yours"  you do what it what you want."

Happiness has begun to creep back into my heart again.  It's an amazing feeling.  Foreign a bit but amazing nonetheless.

I want to move and burn my sofas and chairs.  Seriously.  But I can't afford to right now.  For now they are going to have to work.  I'm hoping that in the winter I can replace with more long-term sofa and chairs.  We'll see.

I feel like I'm standing again at the end of that diving board, about ready to jump, but instead of fear there is mostly peace.  That is nice.

My Thoughts on This Saturday in September

You know lately I've discovered that the woe is me's have come back.  Today as I talked to a friend it was depressing even me.  I've been in a funky state for about a month.  Now is time to snap out of it.

This weekend I felt human again.  I know,  that sounds weird but when you've been holed up in this apartment for two years....it is nice to re-join the human race.  Had a fun time going to a movie last night.  I haven't been to a movie with anyone other than kids for two years.  I felt like a grown up again.!  yes, you can all stop laughing at me now.  It is true.

Tomorrow is church and then NOTHING.  I need to get some boxes and just start packing this stuff up.  I am excited about move, even if it is into a tiny little apartment.  I plan to make it my home.  I might even buy curtains for this next place.  Hold onto your hats, ladies and gentlemen.  Yes,  homey things are now going to enter my apartment.  I just signed a year lease but most likely I will be there about 2 or more years until I hope to put a downpayment down on a home. (my dream).

Who knows? A lot can change in two years.  So much has changed in the last two years....some good and some bad but my God works all things together for good for them who love Him.  Even these horrible days of divorce pain I can use to glorify him through it.  That's the bottom line.  I want to live a life that glorifies God.  Each and every day.  I do not do that perfectly, so not even close.

Today when I was asked about my plans for my future I think that I said some of what I want but was afraid to say what I really want.   I'm afraid to be vulnerable even if it is just to a friend.  My sense of trust was broken in two when my spouse filed for divorce.  At that point I began to mistrust anybody.  I did not know who was really on my side and who wasn't.

Truth be told, I'd like to get married again.  And I don't want to wait a million years to do it.  I want to share my life with someone who holds the same faith as me, who loves me passionately as I do him.  I want it to be equal.  I am willing to follow as any good wife should and willing to submit out of faith, not because some evil person requires it of me.  I want to follow someone, I need someone who will lead me.  I'm a very strong person and personality and I'm not for everyone.  I probably talk too much and am taken the wrong way a LOT.  My heart is good, my intentions are good but execution sometimes is lacking.

So lots of things to pray for.  Mainly that I make it through the month of October and live to see another day!  ha

Night all

Can I have another chance at love

Good hectic morning at work then we had power outages this afternoon which they let us go home.  I just hope they pay for it.  Better.

Had a fun afternoon; surprised a friend where he works, got to meet/re-meet his family.  Very nice people.

Then it was racing home to get milk and eggs on the way home..then picking up kids and making dinner despite yelling and just unruly behavior.  After dinner I decided to make brownie/cookie things that we picked out at the store the other day.  They smell good.  Started them so late the kids can't have them until tomorrow in their lunches....which is a good thing.

I am hanging out, surfing the net on my OWN internet connection and it RULES.  I'm head over heels for my internet access.  Ha

Tonight I am thankful for the friends I have, the family who supports me, the possibility of hope and a future.  I am thankful that God has given me dreams and hopefully someday He will bring them to completion.  They involve a home, a yard with beautiful roses and flowers.  A home full of love and kids.  A home where my husband and I are crazy for each other and committed to each other forever.  FOREVER.  I want a marriage that sticks, one where both parties know that divorce is not an option, ever.

I dream of a home where love abides.  Where children play.  Where there is giggling by both little people and big people.  Where we live together all together, as one.  Where this husband of mine and I are one.  One in dreams, one in spirit, one in body.

I feel like I've been jipped.  I signed on for life and got a few years.  That is unfair.  It was not what I dreamed my whole life for.  I dreamed of being treated with kindness but instead was treated unkindly.  I dreamed of being cherished but instead was treated with disdain.  I dreamed of a house full of kids and that was cut short.

Bottom line my dreams were cut short.  I sit here, starting over.  Choosing to not live in bitterness.  Choosing to live instead for my Lord.  For my children.  For them I get out of bed when my body feels like I am dying and work with mean people all day long.  For them I will do anything.  And do.

I just want another chance at love.