Tonight I let it Go

Tonight I let go.  Of what you ask?  Well, tonight I let go of some really deep seeded anger that I had toward my soon to be ex-spouse and toward God.  After I dropped off the kids tonight I drove to the first place where I told him how I felt about him.  I remember it like yesterday.  The first time we held hands, kissed.

It's been 10 years.  Tonight I went to that spot to give him back to the Lord.  What was interesting was what I realized is that I wasn't angry with my spouse, I was angry at God for not fixing what He could easily have fixed.  I have been furious at my maker for two years now.  I've held onto bitterness, anger, and my resentment became like a favorite shirt or sweater - one you always wear.

Tonight I let go of my spouse.  I let go of the fact that we are never going to be married again.  That God has chosen NOT to fix our marriage and that is His will.  I do know and believe that God has what I hope to be an even better plan for the remainder of my life.  Whether that be to remarry to someone, someday, or to remain single, I told God tonight that I would follow Him, wherever He leads me and serve Him through thick and thin.

Tonight I let go of all the hurt feelings.  We're not talking about garden variety hurts that were inflicted.  We're talking about domestic abuse.  Letting go means that although I was once victimized I am not a victim anymore and I need to stop acting like one.  I need to give myself permission to laugh once in a while, to experience joy, to remember who I used to be.  To remember who THAT girl is, that woman.

I got so lost for so many years.  I was lost in a horrible marriage, my health plumeted, and my emotional and mental health went down the tubes.  Nothing and no one, no medicine, no procedure, nothing could make me better.  Do you want to know the day I started to get better was the day I moved out.  Even though I never wanted this pending divorce I feel it is a second chance at life.  A cherished, blessed chance at being whole, being His, being content in whatever circumstances God puts me in.

I have felt so unloved and been unloved by my best friend and spouse for so many years I am not sure if I know how to let myself be vulnerable, to take down some of the walls I put up to protect me from him. But for me to move forward, make new friends, maybe someday fall in love I'm going to have to trust my heart to another person again.  Tonight as I sit here that freaks me out on one hand and sounds lovely on the other.  Maybe it's both things?

Tonight I am letting go of who he used to think I was and told me I was.  I'm letting go of those mean things.  Tonight I am laying those very deep hurts down at the foot of the cross.  Tonight I'm remembering who I am in Christ.  I am a child of God, a strong woman, a great mother, a good employee, and I would like to think a nice person.  My self worth does not come from what others say about me, it comes from what God created me to be and from who and what He says I am.  I am forgiven.

Tonight I'm laying it down. The hurt, anger, bitterness, resentment, insecurity, fear, anxiety, depression, everything. I give it up, I lay it down.  It has hurt me for too long and I have learned much but now I am ready to move toward people, toward relationships with others.  (that thought scares me to death).

Tonight I prayed for the person God has for me someday.  Or I should say that I prayed there would be someone for me, a chance at love, an opportunity to share my life, my heart, my kids, with another.  Fact is, although I sometimes act tough I am scared to death!  The idea that I could re-marry someone kind, Christian, a leader, a good dad, and someone willing to take on this very complex person that I am...sounds wonderful.  I truly hope that God will grant me a second chance at love because I have the biggest heart and just want to give it to someone to hold.  I need someone who is more dominant than I am (but in a Godly way), stronger (I want him to lead, I want to follow), FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Tonight I told God that I do not want to go to that same parking lot 10 years from now.  I want to marry again FOR LIFE.  Through thick, thin, happy, sad, sickness, health until death parts us in this world.  Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  I have this amazing sense of peace that has wrapped around me since I prayed tonight.  The worry is gone, the anxiety is gone.  It's just peace.  Tranquil heart....where o where have you been?  Do you know how long it has been since my heart was tranquil?  Probably about 8 years.  Maybe longer.  Maybe even before I got married.

All I have to say is this is not going to be my death sentence.  I want God to use me, however He wants, all my life.  Right now that means being a mom to the kids.  That means being a good employee, working hard, making a living.  My future just started tonight because tonight I let it go.

The Be-attitudes

This week, on one beautiful fall day I was talking to my mom on the phone and she told me that she recently thought about the beattitudes and thought that I should teach them to the girls.  I thought it a great idea.  Here they are:

What are the Beatitudes?
This section begins with the setting for the sermon on the mount, followed by the beatitudes.
   The word "beatitude" is derived from the Latin "beatus," which means blessed or happy. This designation is appropriate because each teaching begins with the word "blessed."

Setting
When Jesus saw the crowds, He went up on the mountain; and after He sat down, His disciples came to Him. He opened His mouth and began to teach them, saying...

Beatitudes
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me.

Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Light of the world
You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt has become tasteless, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled under foot by men.
    You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house.
    Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.------

That last part is good.  Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in heaven.  You see the beatitudes are not about what they get us; they are about how we can glorify God through our actions BUT they are also statements of PROMISE.  I don't know about you but in a world where breaking your word is as common as well, filing for divorce, the idea that these statements bring promise is very comforting to me.  I am not sure which one is my favorite.  I like "blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God."  I've always wanted to be pure in heart.  And since I am a believer I know that I will see God SOMEDAY but I think the speaker was talking about sooner rather than later.  This person sees God in her life and in the lives of her children.  That is who and what I want to be.

That is the only treasure I want.

Weekends are so hard when the house is empty and I am sitting here with just my thoughts and the blog.

There are so many things I want for myself and for my children but most of them do not have to do with earthly possessions.  They are character traits.  I want to teach my children to be more like God.

Deep Thoughts from a Sick Girl

Does admitting you're lonely make you pathetic?  Because if that's the case I'm pathetic and also have other friends who are too.  There is this social stigma against ever admitting it, at least that is how I feel sometimes.  I often try to give off this air of strength when inside I feel like a 12 year old who is lost.

So yeah, today I am openly and fully admitting to this blog and it's one or two readers that I am lonely.  I miss well, life.  I got a taste of life lately and it was nice.  It was very nice.  I began to remember just who I was and what I had to offer.  Remember who I was was probably the best thing that's happened to me in a really long time and it took hanging out with an old friend to remember WHO I really am.

But it's a Saturday, I'm sick, laying in bed most of the day, watching shows on the internet, waiting for the antibiotics to fix me up again so I can continue living life. Nothing like pajamas and tv and lots to drink when I'm sick.  It sucks being sick when you have no one to help take care of you. My dad obigatoryly offered to bring me something, help me out.  I DON'T WANT MY DAD TO HELP ME.  I want someone my own age, preferably that I am involved with or married to someday to help me.  I want to be IN a family again.

I love watching what my cats do when no one is looking.  You'll never guess: cat nap!  like 23 hours a day.  That's the life I tell you!  Hmmmm which chair shall I nap on now.....maybe I'll sneak onto my owner's bed and hang out among the pile of clean laundry at the other end of it!

Man I need a makeover.  From the inside out.  God's working on the inside part.  Now it's my turn to start working on the outside.

Overall I am doing good.  I have the most hectic couple of weeks and then I will be in my new place and hopefully divorced.  I am ready for it to be over.  For me to START OVER with someone special, someone nice.    Who am I kidding?   Who is ever going to want to take on a single mom with a list of issues a mile long and two kids?  You know how I'll know?  Because God will bring him to me.  That is how I'll know.  The kids won't scare him off nor will I.  I will tell him my deepest darkest secrets and he won't run away but instead be drawn closer.

I'll just know.

Iron Sharpening Iron

I haven't written much on here lately.  I've been (1) busy and (2) tired.  Tonight I had to cancel my time with the kids because I do not feel good.  I know my limits and I know what would push me over.

Been thinking about a lot of things, one including forgiveness.  I have realized that the resentments that I'm still holding onto regarding my marriage and my life with him, are causing me to physically and mentally be ill.  I need to let some or all of it go.

What does it mean when a woman who was in an abusive relationship says she forgives her husband?  Does that mean she is letting him off the hook?  Well, in a way yes.  If I can forgive my spouse, I can let God give him any consequences he has coming his way.  Ultimately we will all have to stand before God to answer for our lives, choices and decisions.  I don't want to be the girl who "almost" lived.

I feel like my resentment is keeping me from being ME.  It is also keeping me from feeling free as a mother.  I'm tired of being paranoid if I screw something up that I could potentially  have my children yanked from me.  I cannot live under that stress any more.  So I have to let it go.  That is easier said than done.

Forgiving someone who isn't repentful is hard.  If he'd even own up to his half of things I've already apologized way back when for my part in it and asked for a second chance.  Needless and obvious to say he turned down that request.

There are so many broken things in my heart I'm not sure that I'll ever sort them all out.  The person who I was married to is still in my head.   When I do something "wrong" or different I hear him.  When I lose my temper around the kids I hear his condemnation in my head saying "see I told you so.  She is unfit.  The kids should live with me."  That is my very worst fear in the world.  I fear my children being taken from me more than dying.

Pray for me to have the will and spirit to forgive.  How do you forgive when some of the things you feel are probably justified?  They shouldn't have happened to me.  I guess that I don't get to be judge and jury.  God has His hand over us all.

Somebody told me something last night and there is nothing like hearing truth that is hard to hear, from a friend.  A friend who cares enough about you to tell you hard things.  This person basically said that I've spent the last two years proving and showing everyone that I'm a fit mom, etc. but I haven't taken care of myself.  I put myself last.  It was so true.  Immediately I knew that I needed to (1) take better care of myself physically and also (2) take better care of myself emotionally.  I still do counseling, etc.  For me, just talking to friends about my past, my situation has been more helpful than a thousand counseling sessions.

It made me think "as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."  That is what friendship and relationship with others is all about.

Fresh Start

Just glad tomorrow's a new day.  With that I will wish you all a good night.  I love that God grants us new mercies every morning.  Great is Thy faithfulness o Lord.  Great is Thy faithfulness.

Desires, Mine and God's: a mesh

My kids have no reality what I do for a living.  One just thinks that I can go on field  trips anytime like his/her dad does.  I'm like "I have a job and have to be there honey."  How do I explain that my vacation hours this year are being burned on court dates and hearings, on packing and on moving?  How do I explain that I'm not a stay at home mom anymore and that I have responsibilities to take care of them and that means having a job?  Still the guilt crept in and I was insanely jealous that I cannot go on his/her field trip.  I'll not get to be the room mother, participate much in PTA or do any mom-like things.

I think that lately I've become painfully aware that I do not like to be alone.  For a while I just shielded my heart from aloneness and had resided myself with that being my future.  Now I've been given a glimpse at what God could do in my life and I am no longer just happy being alone.

I don't want my old life back.  I want what God wants and that is so much better than what I had the first time around.  I believe that this time around He is going to give me a husband who hungers and thirsts after righteousness.  A husband who lifts me up, encourages my spirit.  A husband who makes me smile and that I want to talk to all the time.  A new best friend.  I want to be able to come home from work (If I continue working, which I'd love to be a stay at home mom/wife), and hang out with the kids.  His, mine or other.  I want a husband who is truly a partner in parenting.  I don't need someone to do it all for me, I just need someone to assist in the things that need to be done.

I want to be wildly, passionately in love with someone.  That kind of love that makes you giddy and twitterpatted.  That kind that makes you weak in the knees.  The kind that makes you think about them and being with them all day.

Ah, the dream.  Now the reality: sitting here alone in a dark room on my laptop.  Kids in other room trying to sleep.  Wondering if I'll have any adult conversation tonight or if I'll turn in early.  Wondering if I will have the strength to make it through another wild weekend with the kids!  God designed man and woman for each other, in every way: spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically.  A good relationship will have a healthy balance of all four.  That is what I want - a normal, happy marriage FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.  I want to be married and old.  I want to grow old with someone.  The same someone that I marry next.  This is my second chance and I'm not blowing this for anything in the world.

God, please give me your heart's desire and my heart's desire if that would be Your will.  Please send me someone who can come alongside me, partner with me and help me lead my little family.  I am not looking to replace their dad, only looking to fill the void in my life with someone wonderful.  God, if you're listening and if you follow my blog, I give this request to You tonight.

Thank you God, for my many blessings, including the two little people asleep in the other room.

Big Dreams and an even bigger God

Sometimes when you're under stress you just get into this auto-pilot mode.  I'm a lot like that with my job.  Right now, I go to bed at the same time for the most part, then wake up exactly at the same time.  I then arrive within 2-3 minutes of the same time, every day.  I don't even realize how weary I think that I am.  I've gotten really burned out at work, the thrill is gone, now it is just daily stress.  I mean, work is and can be stressful.  After all, we were banished from the garden and the result was that we had to WORK!  So to expect it to be great probably isn't realistic.

I have about 3 weeks of intense-ness.  I have court in about 3-4 weeks and I have to trust that my God will go before me to make a way for me.

Sitting here listening to Francesca Battestelli.  I know that I've written about her music before but I really do enjoy to listen to her.  I'm also really enjoying Sanctus Real lately.  Both groups are great.

This is going to be a year of changes.  I've already gotten a good start by all the change that God has done in my heart thus far.  He who began a good work in me will complete it.  There are more layers of hurt inside that just are painful to talk about and so I don't.  I've managed to process through a lot of my things through the help of my counselor, my church, my family and my friends.  I've one sister in law that would listen to me each and every time I call for as long as it would take for me to deal with whatever I was facing next.  I am indebted to her for that.

This is going to be a year of changes.  For the first time since he filed for divorce, my heart is open to whatever and whomever God will bring to it and to me.  I might sound like a total softie but I want to have an amazing relationship with someone, for the rest of my life.  I want to give my heart to another and have that feeling returned.  That amazing connection that you have when God is a part of the relationship.  That's how you know it's good and true, if God is the focus of your relationship.  I want to be with someone who will lead me and I will follow, happily.    I just want another shot at love and about 4-5 months ago I prayed that God would send someone to me.

I do not know what God has for me.  I have my own dreams, that I would like to think are in line with what God would have for me but even my most amazing dreams are probably less than what God wants to do with me and through me and in me.  Turning my life over daily to the One who hung all the stars in the sky.  Believing that He can bring a man into my life who will love my somewhat beat-up heart and see through it into me.

Big dreams but then again I serve a big God.  He can do anything.