Heart's Desires

Day two of happiness.  I almost said day two of normality.  It was just a nice, plain, normal day.  I took on too many projects as I am known for and unfortunately didn't get as much done as I would have liked but I did process a couple of things.

It seemed to be a very long day.  You have those?  The kind where you seem to be watching the clock a lot?  Then, this afternoon the lady who works about 10 feet from me and talks literally non-stop all day, decided at 4:15 that her chair mat had mold on it.  Then she gets the broom and starts sweeping all over.  So then by the time she started on the black mold I told her to be careful; that she ought to wear a mask; that mold can be very dangerous when inhaled, she's like "I smoked for twenty years!"  I mumbled and then my eyes and nose started to freak out.  I walked past them quickly waving my hand in front of face.  I am EXTREMELY allergic to mold and dust and the lady had stirred up both.  I literally went upstairs to my friend's cubicle and sat there and talked for 20 minutes.  Then as I was waiting to clock out the same lady (who had to clean) came by and apologized.  I'm like, I was honestly concerned for your health but yes, I am very allergic and cannot be around it AT ALL.  The word dingbat wants to pop out but then I sound like a horrid girl for saying that.  She is what I would call the stereotypical blonde: talks a lot and is dingy.  'nuff said.

I went home and we had pancakes tonight for dinner, I think the only real food in the house the kids would eat.  We need to go to the grocery store tomorrow night.  I hope they are not exhausted.  They get tomorrow off for some reason.   So liable to come to my house very tired.  I need their help this weekend to pack.  The oldest tonight was feeling sentimental after packing for ten minutes I had him/her laying in my lap, with big tears eecking out of tiny eyes.  I told him/her that I thought maybe he/she was feeling a little overwhelmed with the idea of moving, maybe a little scared, unsure, going to miss this place and the tears burst out at that point.  Well if there is one thing I can say about myself I know my kids and the way they process their emotions.

I fear that I have something stinky in my fridge.  I am going to purge it tomorrow night or in the morning as it is NOT good!

I am having a lonely night.  As I near moving again I am reminded that it is alone.  Although I will have tiny visitors, I will still be alone.  I'm tired of being alone.  Very tired of it.  I'm tired of eating alone, I'm tired of watching tv alone, I'm tired of going to movies alone, I'm tired of cooking alone, I'm tired of going to the grocery store alone, I am tired of sleeping alone.  There I've said it all.  I have now admitted to the public at large how very pathetic I sound tonight.  Or how very human.

I am excited about moving though.  Something exciting about starting my life over.  That is really what it is and what it feels like.  I am moving, getting divorced and changing from the inside out.  I need God's help for both my insides and outsides.  I have been eating a ton better than I used to but still I am the same weight.  My body does not lose weight.  It is very frustrating.

This morning I got a vitamin B12 shot as I am deficient in that vitamin; my body doesn't process it like everyone else's.  So we'll see how long the shot works for.  They didn't give me very much and I'm supposed to go back in two weeks for another shot and maybe a test.  They told me that it wasn't a co-pay and it was.  That made me mad.  The whole point of doing this was so that insurance would cover it.  If I do it monthly it is cheaper but by the time I add in a multi-vitamin back onto that I was paying what I was paying to take it orally.  Win some, lose some I guess.  The good news is that they are going to monitor my B12 levels a lot more often.  I have a sneaking suspicion that my B12 levels and my vitamin D levels were related to a lot of my depression.  The kind that wasn't situational.

Is it wrong to want to be a stay at home mom again?  Even if I only have kids part-time?  I want to be a full time wife and mom.  That would be SO NICE.  I enjoy doing things at work but do not feel this inward drive to achieve and have a career or get recognition in that way.  For me, serving my family is the best.  If I had it to do over again, this time I would: have lunch with kids once a week at their school as long as they let me, I would be more organized, take my family's health a little more seriously.  I want to give my heart to someone again.  That sounds nice.  Maybe a little silly but I think nice.  I want to trust someone and have them trust me, every day, for the rest of my life.  I want to grow old with him, I want to be a grandma someday.  Have lots of little grandkids running about house and yard.  I want to garden again.  I want to be in love, truly and deeply in love with someone again.  That is my prayer to the Lord. It was a while back and will continue to be so.  Ultimately I want to do what God wants me to do, those are just my heart's desires.  Now I will wait to see how God leads me and what He asks of me.

I want to remember what it was like to be so crazy in love that you sit around thinking of nice things to do for the other person just because you love them.  Whether it is something you could do for them, cook for them, do around the house or elsewhere.  I want to be crazy in love and have my children get to see it.  My children do not remember when we were happy.  They just remember the last few years and that's sad.  I want my kids to see me happy and loving someone again.  I want to show them that I do believe in marriage, disagree with divorce but didn't have choice.  I want to show them what a Christian mom looks like....I mean, they see that now, but I want them to see me married.  I think it would be good for them.  I know it would be good for them.  I do not want a third generation of their family to experience divorce.  (perhaps I shall start praying for THEIR future and their future spouses and marriages).

Tonight I'm happy and lonely at the same time.  I could get used to this happiness thing.  This is more like joy - this is being experienced while under great stress and very hard times.....happiness is relative to a situation.

Lord, please bring me someone who will lead me.  Someone I want to follow.  Someone whose faith is strong and whose heart is sure.  Bring me someone who will take the lead in the relationship, inspire me to follow him together as we serve the Lord.  Bring me someone who I love talking to, love spending time with and generally just love hanging out with.  Bring me someone who can deal with my ups and downs lovingly while being patient.  Bring me someone who loves you Lord.  More than anyone or anything in his life.  Bring me someone who is a leader in whatever he does.  Bring me someone who needs me and who I need too.  Bring me someone who makes me laugh.  Bring me someone who makes my heart beat a little faster.  Bring me someone who is giving and loving and caring.  Lord, bring me someone who will love my children even though it will be an adjustment for all.  Work in his heart now Lord on this issue because the kids and I are a package deal!  Lord, I do not want Mr. Wonderful; I want the person YOU want me to be with.  Lord, please reveal this person to me in a clear way.  Make it so obvious that I have to see your hand in it.

Lord I give you these things tonight.  Thank you for giving me Your joy today.  Thank you for giving me two great days in a row; please help me continue to give you the glory for what is going on in my life.  Give me patience this weekend as I pack.  Give me wisdom and strength and courage and all the things I'll need this weekend with the kids.

I give myself to you, Lord.  Use me.

Thankful for the Little Things

Today I was happy ALL DAY.  I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt happy for a whole day.  The last years have been filled with hurt, resentment, and more.

Today I started my day with a nice note from a friend which made me smile right out of the gait!  So thankful to have good friends.  Friends with faith who tell me the truth even when it is probably hard for them to say and sometimes hard for me to hear.  Isn't that the way God set up friendships?  After all, in the Bible it does say "as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."  I think we owe it to our good friends to speak the truth in love.

Then although my day was super busy, I opened three new claims, closed one or two and worked like 30 of them.  I'm juggling about 50-60 claims and I literally get emails and photos faster than I can process them.  It's frustrating at times.  I just view it as a challenge - keep up or get out of the way!!

Lunch at new place.  Mine was okay but friends was better.  Might try that next time.

I cannot believe that I'm MOVING in a week.  I'm really quite excited about it. I feel like I've gotten a second chance at life in so many ways, and a move and new apartment is just one of them.  I plan to make this place more homey.  I need to, not for me because I really don't care a lot about "stuff" but for my kids who need me to create a homelike home in this apartment.  I'm going to have to break down and probably buy curtains and all that good stuff.  Weird.

Tonight I had a doctor's appointment, my every three month visit.  Doctor cut one of my meds in half.  Just another DECREASE in meds since I've been on my own.  I'm now on less than half of what I was on when I had to move here.  This is good.  Making progress.

Tonight I just enjoyed this wonderful feeling of peace and contentment.  I uploaded a ton of photos to Facebook which took a while....since I don't have a graphics card in my phone I had to email them to myself then put them in iPhoto then upload to FB.  Worth it because with each photo I got to see my little people and they made me smile.  I don't get to talk to them on Wednesday because they go to church with their dad.  I still call every Wednesday to tell him to tell them that I called and that I love them.  I doubt the messages go through but I do tell them that I call.

Tomorrow I have to get a shot of B12 in the morning, then I might drop by my dad's office to pick up some boxes and then head to work.  I'm not sure how in the world I'm going to take two days off of work next week to prepare for move.  I will probably get about 300 emails in the two days.    I hope this shot will help me feel better.  Basically my body doesn't absorb B12 from food and drink, so I used to take supplements but were super expensive so talked to doctor about a shot (which insurance would cover) and she agreed.  So tomorrow is my first shot.  I'm hopeful.  Other doc needs me to get blood tests on all my levels of my medicines to make sure they are at the right amount.

Honestly I cannot put in words how nice it was to feel good for the whole day: no major aches and pains, no headaches, no tension, just ..... peace......and happiness.....and taquitos! :-)

This journey started two Sundays ago when the kid's pastor at my church talked about forgiveness.  One thing he said that seared into my memory is "forgiveness is the only way to make the pain stop."  I seriously have thought of that statement every single day since then because I knew that I was going to have to forgive my spouse and give him back to God.  So I did.  In the process I was given this wonderful day, a gem, a gift from God, shared with friends.

Almost bedtime, productive day and I am sitting here, typing, SMILING.  What's up with that?  Seriously I used to wonder if I would ever smile again, I had gotten caught up in the pain and could not shake loose.  Thank you to the one who encouraged me to do what I did.  Thank you for speaking truth to me when it was probably hard for me to hear.  You blessed me by encouraging me to follow God.  (don't really think anyone reads this blog but a couple of girlfriends but hey, it's my tribute).

I've been given this amazing chance at life.  I get a second chance.  God has set me free!  I am free to be who He wants me to be, who I was created to be. I am free to be open to people, new friends and relationships and just be open to whatever God's got planned.  I have a sense of what He has planned but am not sure so I pray.  I ask Him for wisdom to know what to do.

Tonight I give praise to God, who set the captives free.  I give praise to Jesus, who, while hanging on a cross extended forgiveness to the thief next to him and said "today you will be with me in paradise."  Has it sunk in what an amazing God we serve?  Blows my mind and makes me humble at the same time.  He gives and He takes away.  We don't always understand but I love Him and trust Him enough to step out, in faith, into the unknown.  Unknown to me, but God has each one of my days planned and lined out.  He knows how many hairs are on my head, when I will do this and that, and when I will go to be with Him.  So who am I to worry?  He's got it all covered!

God, thank you for this day, for good and nice friends, and for my family.  Watch over my children until I can be with them again.  Guard over them while they sleep.

Until next time I remain YOURS Lord.

Tonight I let it Go

Tonight I let go.  Of what you ask?  Well, tonight I let go of some really deep seeded anger that I had toward my soon to be ex-spouse and toward God.  After I dropped off the kids tonight I drove to the first place where I told him how I felt about him.  I remember it like yesterday.  The first time we held hands, kissed.

It's been 10 years.  Tonight I went to that spot to give him back to the Lord.  What was interesting was what I realized is that I wasn't angry with my spouse, I was angry at God for not fixing what He could easily have fixed.  I have been furious at my maker for two years now.  I've held onto bitterness, anger, and my resentment became like a favorite shirt or sweater - one you always wear.

Tonight I let go of my spouse.  I let go of the fact that we are never going to be married again.  That God has chosen NOT to fix our marriage and that is His will.  I do know and believe that God has what I hope to be an even better plan for the remainder of my life.  Whether that be to remarry to someone, someday, or to remain single, I told God tonight that I would follow Him, wherever He leads me and serve Him through thick and thin.

Tonight I let go of all the hurt feelings.  We're not talking about garden variety hurts that were inflicted.  We're talking about domestic abuse.  Letting go means that although I was once victimized I am not a victim anymore and I need to stop acting like one.  I need to give myself permission to laugh once in a while, to experience joy, to remember who I used to be.  To remember who THAT girl is, that woman.

I got so lost for so many years.  I was lost in a horrible marriage, my health plumeted, and my emotional and mental health went down the tubes.  Nothing and no one, no medicine, no procedure, nothing could make me better.  Do you want to know the day I started to get better was the day I moved out.  Even though I never wanted this pending divorce I feel it is a second chance at life.  A cherished, blessed chance at being whole, being His, being content in whatever circumstances God puts me in.

I have felt so unloved and been unloved by my best friend and spouse for so many years I am not sure if I know how to let myself be vulnerable, to take down some of the walls I put up to protect me from him. But for me to move forward, make new friends, maybe someday fall in love I'm going to have to trust my heart to another person again.  Tonight as I sit here that freaks me out on one hand and sounds lovely on the other.  Maybe it's both things?

Tonight I am letting go of who he used to think I was and told me I was.  I'm letting go of those mean things.  Tonight I am laying those very deep hurts down at the foot of the cross.  Tonight I'm remembering who I am in Christ.  I am a child of God, a strong woman, a great mother, a good employee, and I would like to think a nice person.  My self worth does not come from what others say about me, it comes from what God created me to be and from who and what He says I am.  I am forgiven.

Tonight I'm laying it down. The hurt, anger, bitterness, resentment, insecurity, fear, anxiety, depression, everything. I give it up, I lay it down.  It has hurt me for too long and I have learned much but now I am ready to move toward people, toward relationships with others.  (that thought scares me to death).

Tonight I prayed for the person God has for me someday.  Or I should say that I prayed there would be someone for me, a chance at love, an opportunity to share my life, my heart, my kids, with another.  Fact is, although I sometimes act tough I am scared to death!  The idea that I could re-marry someone kind, Christian, a leader, a good dad, and someone willing to take on this very complex person that I am...sounds wonderful.  I truly hope that God will grant me a second chance at love because I have the biggest heart and just want to give it to someone to hold.  I need someone who is more dominant than I am (but in a Godly way), stronger (I want him to lead, I want to follow), FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Tonight I told God that I do not want to go to that same parking lot 10 years from now.  I want to marry again FOR LIFE.  Through thick, thin, happy, sad, sickness, health until death parts us in this world.  Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  I have this amazing sense of peace that has wrapped around me since I prayed tonight.  The worry is gone, the anxiety is gone.  It's just peace.  Tranquil heart....where o where have you been?  Do you know how long it has been since my heart was tranquil?  Probably about 8 years.  Maybe longer.  Maybe even before I got married.

All I have to say is this is not going to be my death sentence.  I want God to use me, however He wants, all my life.  Right now that means being a mom to the kids.  That means being a good employee, working hard, making a living.  My future just started tonight because tonight I let it go.

The Be-attitudes

This week, on one beautiful fall day I was talking to my mom on the phone and she told me that she recently thought about the beattitudes and thought that I should teach them to the girls.  I thought it a great idea.  Here they are:

What are the Beatitudes?
This section begins with the setting for the sermon on the mount, followed by the beatitudes.
   The word "beatitude" is derived from the Latin "beatus," which means blessed or happy. This designation is appropriate because each teaching begins with the word "blessed."

Setting
When Jesus saw the crowds, He went up on the mountain; and after He sat down, His disciples came to Him. He opened His mouth and began to teach them, saying...

Beatitudes
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me.

Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Light of the world
You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt has become tasteless, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled under foot by men.
    You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house.
    Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.------

That last part is good.  Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in heaven.  You see the beatitudes are not about what they get us; they are about how we can glorify God through our actions BUT they are also statements of PROMISE.  I don't know about you but in a world where breaking your word is as common as well, filing for divorce, the idea that these statements bring promise is very comforting to me.  I am not sure which one is my favorite.  I like "blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God."  I've always wanted to be pure in heart.  And since I am a believer I know that I will see God SOMEDAY but I think the speaker was talking about sooner rather than later.  This person sees God in her life and in the lives of her children.  That is who and what I want to be.

That is the only treasure I want.

Weekends are so hard when the house is empty and I am sitting here with just my thoughts and the blog.

There are so many things I want for myself and for my children but most of them do not have to do with earthly possessions.  They are character traits.  I want to teach my children to be more like God.

Deep Thoughts from a Sick Girl

Does admitting you're lonely make you pathetic?  Because if that's the case I'm pathetic and also have other friends who are too.  There is this social stigma against ever admitting it, at least that is how I feel sometimes.  I often try to give off this air of strength when inside I feel like a 12 year old who is lost.

So yeah, today I am openly and fully admitting to this blog and it's one or two readers that I am lonely.  I miss well, life.  I got a taste of life lately and it was nice.  It was very nice.  I began to remember just who I was and what I had to offer.  Remember who I was was probably the best thing that's happened to me in a really long time and it took hanging out with an old friend to remember WHO I really am.

But it's a Saturday, I'm sick, laying in bed most of the day, watching shows on the internet, waiting for the antibiotics to fix me up again so I can continue living life. Nothing like pajamas and tv and lots to drink when I'm sick.  It sucks being sick when you have no one to help take care of you. My dad obigatoryly offered to bring me something, help me out.  I DON'T WANT MY DAD TO HELP ME.  I want someone my own age, preferably that I am involved with or married to someday to help me.  I want to be IN a family again.

I love watching what my cats do when no one is looking.  You'll never guess: cat nap!  like 23 hours a day.  That's the life I tell you!  Hmmmm which chair shall I nap on now.....maybe I'll sneak onto my owner's bed and hang out among the pile of clean laundry at the other end of it!

Man I need a makeover.  From the inside out.  God's working on the inside part.  Now it's my turn to start working on the outside.

Overall I am doing good.  I have the most hectic couple of weeks and then I will be in my new place and hopefully divorced.  I am ready for it to be over.  For me to START OVER with someone special, someone nice.    Who am I kidding?   Who is ever going to want to take on a single mom with a list of issues a mile long and two kids?  You know how I'll know?  Because God will bring him to me.  That is how I'll know.  The kids won't scare him off nor will I.  I will tell him my deepest darkest secrets and he won't run away but instead be drawn closer.

I'll just know.

Iron Sharpening Iron

I haven't written much on here lately.  I've been (1) busy and (2) tired.  Tonight I had to cancel my time with the kids because I do not feel good.  I know my limits and I know what would push me over.

Been thinking about a lot of things, one including forgiveness.  I have realized that the resentments that I'm still holding onto regarding my marriage and my life with him, are causing me to physically and mentally be ill.  I need to let some or all of it go.

What does it mean when a woman who was in an abusive relationship says she forgives her husband?  Does that mean she is letting him off the hook?  Well, in a way yes.  If I can forgive my spouse, I can let God give him any consequences he has coming his way.  Ultimately we will all have to stand before God to answer for our lives, choices and decisions.  I don't want to be the girl who "almost" lived.

I feel like my resentment is keeping me from being ME.  It is also keeping me from feeling free as a mother.  I'm tired of being paranoid if I screw something up that I could potentially  have my children yanked from me.  I cannot live under that stress any more.  So I have to let it go.  That is easier said than done.

Forgiving someone who isn't repentful is hard.  If he'd even own up to his half of things I've already apologized way back when for my part in it and asked for a second chance.  Needless and obvious to say he turned down that request.

There are so many broken things in my heart I'm not sure that I'll ever sort them all out.  The person who I was married to is still in my head.   When I do something "wrong" or different I hear him.  When I lose my temper around the kids I hear his condemnation in my head saying "see I told you so.  She is unfit.  The kids should live with me."  That is my very worst fear in the world.  I fear my children being taken from me more than dying.

Pray for me to have the will and spirit to forgive.  How do you forgive when some of the things you feel are probably justified?  They shouldn't have happened to me.  I guess that I don't get to be judge and jury.  God has His hand over us all.

Somebody told me something last night and there is nothing like hearing truth that is hard to hear, from a friend.  A friend who cares enough about you to tell you hard things.  This person basically said that I've spent the last two years proving and showing everyone that I'm a fit mom, etc. but I haven't taken care of myself.  I put myself last.  It was so true.  Immediately I knew that I needed to (1) take better care of myself physically and also (2) take better care of myself emotionally.  I still do counseling, etc.  For me, just talking to friends about my past, my situation has been more helpful than a thousand counseling sessions.

It made me think "as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."  That is what friendship and relationship with others is all about.

Fresh Start

Just glad tomorrow's a new day.  With that I will wish you all a good night.  I love that God grants us new mercies every morning.  Great is Thy faithfulness o Lord.  Great is Thy faithfulness.