Closing Ranks

I'm closing ranks again.  Now is when I close ranks around my little family and focus on US.  Focus on loving them unconditionally, like only a mama can do.  I'm closing ranks.  This means people who used to be in my life are no longer going to have a role in my life.  I need to take care of myself and limit my exposure to people who are not helpful to me.

For me, I have nothing left to give.  I am tapped out.  I need to re-charge so that I can begin to fill refill me. I don't mean this in a selfish kind of way.  I have a responsibility only to myself and my kids to take care of myself, to serve at church, to love God with every fiber in me.

I'm just done.  I can't or won't go into details here but I'm done.  I've had one thing too many happen and now I'm out.

God's in control of my life, who comes in and out of it.  I've frankly got too much else going on to worry about anyone that isn't one of my kids or my family.  I just don't have it in me.  Seriously.  I'm on my last bit of energy and I do not have any more to give anyone else.  Is that selfish?  Maybe.  I think it's just called being responsible and knowing your limits.

This morning I cried at work, had to go outside to just let it out.  Then at lunch, I cried again.  Then tonight I cried most of the way home.  I spent some time talking to my sister in law which was good.  Now I am ready to rest....and chill out.  I just want to pet my furry kitty and hear her purr.

I am going back to my original dream: someday I want a tiny house built for three.  Me and my little people.  We're going to have flowers, a beautiful yard and a garden out back.  The house will be filled with love.  It will be the house the other kids want to come to.

Back to basics.  That does not include people who suck me dry then leave me for dead.

I need to go to the stream of living water and drink.

It's Raining Over My Head or "How to Learn to Love the Rain"

Discouragement is an understatement.  I can't even list what is going on in my life for fear that somehow someway it will be used in court against me.  One shouldn't have to think about every single word she says or writes down....or who will wind up with it.  That'll make you nuts.  I'm just saying.

What I would like to address tonight is the issue of honesty and how that affects both relationships but even your mere friendships.  If you, say, ignore, a friend for long periods of time, that says something.  It says you value other things and people more than you value that friendship.  If you're going to do this to someone, at least have the guts to tell this really good friend before her feelings get hurt.

Even here I can't write what I want.  It's extremely frustrating.  If I write what I want I risk losing a friend and I cannot risk that right now.  If I don't write what I need to say, at some point I will regret that.  So tonight I will consider the matter, think on it and pray about what, if anything, I am to do or say.

What I really want to do today is YELL, scream, cry, throw a hissy fit.  I cried all the way home from the movie.

Why not me?  Why not pick me?  Do I have something written on my forehead that makes people run away?  I want the same as everyone else.  I want to love and be loved.  Forever.  By one man.  For the rest of my life.

Heck at this point I'd just really like to be given the time of day which I used to have but don't seem to have anymore.  I'm not quite sure what I did and frankly I have enough stress in my life so adding someone to it probably would not be the best idea but I'm the type that once you find something special, grab onto it, and never let it go.

Says the girl whose husband is divorcing her.

So tomorrow I might have to change jobs.  AGAIN.  I'm so tired of change.  It's seriously stressing me out.  The worst part is that I don't have anyone to talk to about it.  I can't write it in an email because my goodness my every written word could somehow be evidence against me in court, so here I sit.  Utterly alone.

Nobody has any idea how I'm doing and again I do not know who to trust.  It's a horrible place to be in.  I have a few what I thought were good friends and some are and some are not turning out to be.  Such is life.

I'm tired of change.  In the last two years, I've had two employers, 4 jobs between the two.  I've moved twice.  I have a different vehicle.   I went from stay at home mom to single mom who is worn to a frazzle.  I feel like I make a step forward....then BAM something happens.  I mean, I know and have seen God's care and caring through all of it.  How He's just taking care of me now.

So in the midst of the chaos I stand, it's raining on my head, and I know that God's got the cloud right where He wants it.  He doesn't want to shield me from the rain, instead he wants me to learn to love rain.  To love it enough to be able to somehow rejoice while it's raining.  (only God could think that up).

Rubber meets the road.   I go to work every day with (I try) the attitude to "do all things heartily as unto the Lord."  So tomorrow I will walk into work, not knowing my future there and just pray that it works out the way my boss suggested it could on Friday.  I need that job, any job, and cannot afford to fall apart now.

So like I do when things get hard, I just give it back to God.  I'll cry and fuss a little first, then I will ultimately just fall on Him.  Right now He's all I've got.  (and a few really true blue people who know about this blog).

Faith is not easy.  But it's worth it.  Grace is amazing but it doesn't come cheaply.  Mercy is undeserved but our Savior died and gave us all.  God, I'm relying on you as my God, the lover of my soul, my companion, my leader, and the head of this family, to hold me together in one piece.

So if you are a friend, please pray for me.  I need more faith.  I need more of God.  I need to trust more and give my trust to God completely.  Pray that God will watch over me.  Pray that God will take care of my friend who also has a broken heart.

Missing my Little People

Being without my children for me is like hell on earth.  I know, in the big scheme of things there are much worse things but for me, this is the hardest thing that I've ever had to endure.  Sometimes the pain of not having them here is unbearable like it is tonight.  I miss them intensely.  A two minute phone conversation does not cut it for me tonight.  I want their little selves here with me, in our HOME.

Today I've been "nesting" in my new apartment.  I really want this place to feel like home because my last place was NOT.  I detested being there, it felt like torture because my home, where my babies were, was right up the street.  The nice thing about the new place is that everything up here is new.  New home,  new place, new place to make a life.

My little one asked me the other day if when we move from here will it be into a house?  I told him/her "I hope so honey but I don't know."  It is like the very thing that I want to provide for them (home of our own) is a million years away.  It's at least 5 years away.  By then my oldest will be a teenager and it will just be different.

New Day with New Grace and Mercies

I'm so thankful to have the weekend to rejuvenate.  I literally am tapped out emotionally, mentally and physically.  I'm the definition of weary.

The good thing is that I might be transitioning into a new job at my work.  (yeah God.)  Prayed a couple of months ago about it and asked God to provide a solution for the situation I was in.  It might be happening as early as Monday.  We'll see.

So this weekend I have to toy shop and decorate for a birthday.  Little one has a birthday this week.  Must be perfect.  Want him/her to love it.

My folks might come over next weekend.  That would be great.  Maybe I can include dinner.  Except my mom is allergic to cats.  I'll just have to clean good.  Not really unpacked yet but I don't care.  I can only do what I can do.

Glad to have a new day to start over.  Please ignore my last two posts.  That was evil stressed out me.  Saturday me is a lot calmer.

Until next time, I remain in HIS hands.

Addendum: or Can I have a New Job, Move and a Divorce please?

I'm just tired.  I want a little peace in my life.  Right after I found out today that my job might be changing (highly stressful I might add), I get a comment to the last post that came from left field.

I started this blog and have like 10 people who know about it.  I know who they all are.  Sure, it might have some random viewers but for the most part I've kept it small so that I could remain anonymous.  I've needed this blog as a safe place to write about all the things that I've gone through over the last two years specifically and more broader, about the last 5 or more years.  This blog is an outlet, a way for me to think through my feelings, process them, and move on.

My intention was never to hurt anyone's feelings.

I work in a job where people basically see me as the enemy all day long.  I'm in the middle/end of a very long and very very stressful marriage and divorce.  It has drained the very life from me at times.  So I have one place where I go to let it all hang out.  Here.  This blog.  Someday I plan to write a book about it all but for now it's just a blog.

If I even get an inkling that I am being treated in the same way that I was by the man I was married to, I will not be silent.  No, I don't broadcast every intimate detail of my life on here or my friends.  That would be a breach of trust.

I'm still going to post.  I'm going to be me.  I'm just an ordinary girl.  I do have a deep faith.  Do I live it out perfectly?  Absolutely not.  Am I the perfect mother?  Not a chance.  Is my heart pure?  You bet.  I have the best of intentions.  So if you have something to say to me and you have my email and I know that you do, please talk to me.

I am beyond tired and weary and broken.  I'm just a regular girl.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and it gets me into trouble a LOT.  That's the way God made me.  He made me passionate.  That is a blessing and a curse.  I can be passionately loving and passionately hating sometimes.  I'm so not perfect.  I'm just an average girl whose heart's desire is to be a good mom, employee, and friend.

I long for the same things everyone does: to have friends they can trust.  To love and be loved.  To be accepted for WHO YOU ARE (now) not who people want you to be.  To just be treated with respect.    That's all I really want.

So if you're the party that I hurt, I hope that you will brave contact with me again so that we can work through this.  Perhaps with some more information you might understand why I reacted the way that I did.  I think perhaps there is more to this story that you don't know but you probably should.

I'm just a girl.  I'm maxed out in the stress arena: just moved, have to move more stuff again next month, now I might have to start a new job, every thing I do is new.  I couldn't find a gas station on my way to work the other day.  I have a new grocery store.  I need to find a pharmacy that's close.  My job is freaking me out and I am not doing well at it at the moment and I used to rule the job.  Oh yeah, and in the middle of this my marriage is going to be legally over.  I've had two people in my life die in the last two weeks. So you might consider cutting me a little slack.

With that I am going to log off.  I need a vacation.  Or a really long nap.

My Deep Thoughts for the Night or Screw off

Done.  I'm just done.  I'm thinking that in order to get anyone's attention one needs to be skinny, blonde, have no kids and be in perfect shape.  Well screw that.

I am who I am.  I do not give a damn what anyone else thinks about it.

I'm just done.  I will not be used as the friend who listens to all the dramas and goes home by herself.  I have better things to do with my time than to be the Dear Abby.  I am not a dear Abby.  I am a human being myself with feelings.  My struggles are as important as yours are.  Not more important but on the same level.

I'm just done.  I'm sick of being with guys who treat me like shit.  Sick of it.  If you don't want to pay attention to what I'm saying when we're together then buzz off and go do something else 'cuz I have better things to do with my time than mess around and be treated as less than human.

That's pretty much what I have to say tonight.  I'm glad I have like one reader.  The bottom line is we're all pretty alone....a few of us manage to find someone.  The rest of us would just like to be treated as if they might have a chance at happiness.

I'm DONE.  I'm so pissed it's not even funny.  I'm not the fat friend that everyone tells their woes to.  I'm a human being.

So screw off.  You know who you are.

Dog Gone Tired

It's been almost a week since I posted on here.  I think that I was just talked out, worn out, weary and just dog gone tired!

This afternoon I was driving home asking and thinking to myself: why does God have me in such a high stress job?  I mean, I used to love going to work.  Now it is just too much to do, not enough time to do it in.    The pressure to keep up is high.

I don't know what God is trying to do in my life.  I mean, I know that what is happening is His plan but even after 30 plus years of loving Him I  still do not understand how this all is His plan.  I'm feeling frustrated, a little overwhelmed and confused.

I thought that I was ready to re-enter the dating world.  I thought that I might be open to that....now I'm not so sure.  I'm lonely but that is not a reason to seek out another.  Sure I'm red blooded American girl who longs for all the same things red blooded American males long for.  It's just that I've been so deeply hurt that I'm not sure if I could ever just put down my guard and be me.  I tried doing that recently but I fear even that was a failure.  I suck at relationships.  I probably even suck at friendships.

I feel like I barely have enough energy for my kids.  Add some pets to that, a new apartment, and a stressful job I have nothing to offer anyone.  I am just making it day to day.

So I am not sure about the male species.  I think that I should probably just be for a while.  Just me, myself and I.  I want someone to pursue ME.  I do not want to sign up on a lame dating site to make friends who might have the potential to turn into dates.  Been there, done that.  I'm not sure I want to do it again.  I think that God is capable of bringing someone into my life or maybe He already has.  I just need to be open to it all.

Tonight I worry not.  I plan to just lay on my pillow, be a vegetable and watch tv.  I'm just so tired.

Until next time,