Started It Finally!

I've felt for a long time now that God is leading me to write my story down in the form of a book.  I've been told by numerous people that I should do this, that I have not only a voice but something to say.

Tonight I actually started it.  It might take me a whole lifetime to write or it might just pour out of my heart onto the "page" on my laptop.  I do not know.  I just feel like there are a lot of women, Christian women, who might find themselves in similar circumstances and there is not a lot of help or encouragement for them.

I want to write a book about pain, God's grace, and the purpose of pain in our lives.  Oh, and a whole lot of other things.  (maybe a sequel?)

Who knows what will come of it?  God does and has a plan.   I got distracted so didn't get much done.  I figure it will be a labor of love and that if I love it, I will not mind working on it.

God's got a plan for me.  So I try something where I feel He's leading.....and we'll see if this is indeed from Him.  If it is He'll bless the project and my involvement with it. We'll see.

Already it's getting late and morning and my new job dawns early.  God, give me strength for the week ahead. Go before me.

Beaten but not Broken

Today I rested.  People don't seem to realize that if I do not rest on the weekends I can barely keep up to the demands on my heart, life and work.

So I did what my body needed.  I rested.  I took two naps.

I waited all day to call my children.  So I do.  It rings twice and it goes directly to voicemail.  Pretty sure their dad has it programmed that way.  I left them a message (not him) and asked that their dad help them call me before they go to bed.

I sit here. Mad. Alone. And a maniac has my children.  He has another thing coming - me.  For I will be coming for my children and I do not plan to play fair.   I will use whatever I have at my disposal to demonstrate just what type of person he is and why he is not fit to be their primary caregiver.

I also sit here a Christian.  And a mom.  I have to do what is in the kids best interests....no matter what or how hard.  I don't know if that means to live and let live or to go down fighting for them.  I feel on one hand that I've been discouraged from pursuing them.  Everyone has this strategy, etc.  I feel like it's a bunch of crap.  I want my kids.  I want them here.

I don't understand but I serve a God that is infinity wise and omnipotent.  I know that on one hand and the other hand cries out to Him in hurt and pain over my children not being with me and there seems to be this silence from on high.  That is what I do not understand about my Lord.

I feel like I've taken a beating and I feel beat down.  The attempts at control and abuse continue even though we are no longer living in the same house.  My oldest told me something his/her dad told me that he said to him/her and it literally made me want to either cry or go to bat for this little person.

So tonight I will just pray.  For my younguns.  That God will watch over them until they can be here with me again.  Tomorrow I need to clean the kitchen, get it ready for the troops and all the holiday cooking we'll be doing next week and weekend.

So if you're among my three readers, say a prayer for this beaten down mom.  Pray that she can remember just who she is in the Lord and that God will empower her to do what is in front of me.  Give me wisdom, God, to know what to do for my little ones.  Give me wisdom to know how to be the mom they need.  I was asking my oldest what he/she remembered about being little. About me.  We talked about the way things used to be....the things that bound us together in a way their dad will never have.  I said something about wanting to be a good mom and he/she asked "you don't think you're a good mom?"  I said, "I hope that I am."  "You're a great mom.  I wouldn't change a thing!"

I am not giving up.  God promises to be with the brokenhearted and He is with me now as He is every day.  I WANT MY CHILDREN BACK.  All I have to say is their dad has greatly underestimated my resolve.  And my will to survive.  And to thrive, despite anything he is throwing at me.

Someday I hope these little people know how very much I love them and what I do and would do for them.  I want them to know their mama would do anything on the face of this earth for them.  That's what mamas do.  They go to the end of the world and back for you.  Again and again.

Epic

Great epic weekend.  I came, I saw, I cooked.  The full thing.  Turkey, stuffing, all the fixings, etc.

Great weekend.  Highs and lows.  It was all good, done together, me and my troop.  Cats and all.

I go to bed happy and soon.  Morning comes early around here.

Night and gobble gobble.

Things We Do for Our Families

Things we do for our families, children.  Yesterday I spent time with my family for Thanksgiving.  Although it was pleasant, I just wanted to leave.  I want THANKSGIVING with MY family.  It was hard to be without the kids that day.

I went through the whole day and not one single person asked me how I was doing.  I politely told our hostess how lovely everything was and how good, I don't think she responded.  My parents are still mad at me, I can tell by how distant they same.

Tonight I am not worrying about this, I have enough on my own plate to worry about others today.  No that does not mean I'm selfish, it means that I need to tend to first things first.  I wonder: does any one of them really care that I submitted my divorce decree on Friday to the other side, that we are weeks away from it being over.

I feel disillusioned with people.  Let down.  Some of the best support that I've gotten has come from family, some has come from really good friends in far away cities.  Bottom line, God has brought great people into my life.  Then why do I still feel so alone?

A friend of mine, or someone who used to be friends with me, is telling me one week how he wants to work it out with his wife and the next week is in a "relationship" with someone?  Okay.  They're not even divorced yet.  Some call me weird but I am waiting until I am divorced to proceed with DATING and we all know what we mean by that.

I'm disillusioned at people.  I feel once again like I'm on the outside looking in.  I've felt that way my whole life, that I didn't belong anywhere.  Then I got married, I had children that were my own flesh and blood, a husband who loved me and I finally felt for the first time in my life that I belonged.  I had a place in this world.  Now that has been ripped away.

I trust God.  I do not understand His ways but I do know that He has my every day numbered and knows what shall happen on it.  Lord how did my car breaking down and my children fighting tonight honor you?  I should point out the car started working on its own,  the children eventually calmed down and there is peace once again in my house.

I am tired of being lonely.  I joined some dumb website that will remain nameless and no one will return emails.  Am I hideous?  Last I checked I did not have a giant wart on my forehead?  Maybe if I looked like Barbie I would get more action.  Well b-s, I look how I look, been a little busy the last 6 years trying to STAY ALIVE and sane and honestly keeping up at the gym wasnt' a priority.  Getting emotionally healthy was.

All my life I had the feeling that I was made or something great; to do something great.  Yet I'm in a job that probably isn't going anywhere, my marriage is gone, I have my kids less than half the time.  Maybe my something big is learning and exercising how to praise God in the midst of chaos and troubled times. I've certainly learned how to do that.  My relationship with God is the only thing that has sustained me through it all.  God has become my parent, my best friend, my spouse, my everything.

I must hit the sheets as I have one who wakes up SUPER EARLY at my house!  I you are one of my readers please pray for me.  The holidays are extra hard to be alone.  Plus I'm finishing my divorce right smack dab in between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Pray for courage, pray for the ability to be alone, but also pray that God will bring me some additional new friends that I can hang out with.  I need people in my life.

New but Old Things to Pray About

Another day.  It wasn't too bad.  I worked hard all day, then went grocery shopping for Thanksgiving then came home and talked to my kiddos.  One barely wanted to give me the time of day.  The other gave me a minute or two.  I'm learning not to take it personally.  It's hard 'cuz the highlight of my day is 7:00 when I call them.

On a silly note I like my new grocery store.  The prices are good.  I got a TON of food for not that much money.  If I can get myself organized and into clipping coupons I could probably really save some cash.

I was a little sleepy this morning but overall I had a whole day of feeling good.  I didn't have masses of stress.  Makes me think that once this divorce is over my stress might go down to barely noticeable.  Wouldn't that be GREAT?

My life is simple.  Right now it is about doing what is in front of me with dignity, with faith.  Being faithful in the little things that God has given me.  The light of my life is my children.  They bring me so much joy; I love them like crazy!  I pray that God will bring them back here for more time with me.  I need them as they need me.  I am going to start praying for it.  I have been blown away at the amazing things God has done in my life in the last few years...and over my lifetime.  So why not ask Him for what I want?  "You do not have because you do not ask."  I just realized that I haven't been consistently praying for their return.  I shall begin right now.

I am basically happy.  I'm content with a small apartment and few "things" - to me, things are not what make life meaningful.  My faith in God and my relationships with my children and other family and friends are what bring meaning to my life.

I had hoped to get more clean tonight but I ran out of energy.  And you know what?  IT'S OKAY.  I do not have to live up to anyone's expectations of me.  I no longer have to live up to my spouse's expectations of who I should be or how I should act and I want to say that IT FEELS HEAVENLY just being me.  I like me.  There is nothing wrong with me.  Sure, I'm imperfect but I was made in God's image.  I'm fearfully and wonderfully made.  THAT is how I feel about it!

I am done worrying about my job.  I do my best each and every day and that is all I can do.  If it is not enough then God will provide another option for me.

The thought of living in this apartment for the next five years until I can buy a home doesn't exactly thrill me but it might be my reality.  I will do it one day at a time just like I Have the last few years.

Thoughts written yesterday (Sunday)

I'm fairly certain that no one would rejoice more than Satan should I fall down.  I feel like I've been under a spiritual attack the likes of which I have never undergone before.  And I've been through some dark times before.

This week, these past two weeks have been most difficult.  Somedays, just staying awake, trying to keep my job was all that I could do.  I'm in the end stages of wrapping up this divorce.  Tonight I was thinking on my way home some thoughts that sounded like the old tapes that used to play in my head.  In the past couple of weeks I've been really disappointed by a friend, and have apparently caused heartache to my parents.

Tonight I just came home, wrote a quick email to a friend and then turned on the sermon from church that I missed from this morning.

I talked to my children tonight and they don't even sound like themselves when they are with their dad sometimes.  It hurts my heart deeply.  I am at a loss as to what to do about it so tonight I just pray.

My heart is so heavy tonight.  I am just praying and praying and keeping my thoughts on the things of God.

Alone On A Saturday Night

I hate the weekends with no kids.  They are long and lonely.  I hate being by myself sometimes.  Most of the time I do okay with it but tonight I  don't feel very brave, very hopeful or very courageous.  I feel tired, beat down and beaten.  I know the Bible says His strength is perfected in our weakness.  If that's the case then He's definitely stronger.

I have been alone all day the only people I've spoken to were at Whole Foods and the movie theater.  I took a nap which was nice.

I'm just done.  Given it all back to Jesus.  The author and finisher of my faith.  There is no one to help, no one to talk to, even family has pulled away to some extent.  Then again when I came to the cross it was just me and Jesus.  It's just me and Jesus tonight as I sit in this tiny apartment.

I know and trust my Lord but it doesn't make going down this path any easier.  It doesn't erase the pain of divorce.  It doesn't erase.   He has healed me from the inside out and transformed me into a woman who is a lot more like him than she used to be.

But I'm still human.  I still experience feeling down.  Tonight I thought about thinking about how many weekends I would have with the kids until they are grown.  Then I thought that was a rotten attitude and remembered my own advice given earlier this week.

What keeps me going are the two little faces that are counting on me.  Counting on me to bring stability into their lives...to bring unconditional love and grace to their lives.  To be brave even when I don't feel like it.  Who knows, maybe someday they will read these posts at some point.  I wonder what they will think of me.  I hope that when they are grown and know more about the situation, they will know that their mama did everything in her power to protect them and to love them, no matter what.  If I could spare them the knowing that would be even better.  Unfortunately if I actually decide to write a book like I've talked about they are going to read about it.

So I will choose my words carefully as I tell my story.  In the beginning, there was a girl....who grew up....