Today I was happy ALL DAY. I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt happy for a whole day. The last years have been filled with hurt, resentment, and more.
Today I started my day with a nice note from a friend which made me smile right out of the gait! So thankful to have good friends. Friends with faith who tell me the truth even when it is probably hard for them to say and sometimes hard for me to hear. Isn't that the way God set up friendships? After all, in the Bible it does say "as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." I think we owe it to our good friends to speak the truth in love.
Then although my day was super busy, I opened three new claims, closed one or two and worked like 30 of them. I'm juggling about 50-60 claims and I literally get emails and photos faster than I can process them. It's frustrating at times. I just view it as a challenge - keep up or get out of the way!!
Lunch at new place. Mine was okay but friends was better. Might try that next time.
I cannot believe that I'm MOVING in a week. I'm really quite excited about it. I feel like I've gotten a second chance at life in so many ways, and a move and new apartment is just one of them. I plan to make this place more homey. I need to, not for me because I really don't care a lot about "stuff" but for my kids who need me to create a homelike home in this apartment. I'm going to have to break down and probably buy curtains and all that good stuff. Weird.
Tonight I had a doctor's appointment, my every three month visit. Doctor cut one of my meds in half. Just another DECREASE in meds since I've been on my own. I'm now on less than half of what I was on when I had to move here. This is good. Making progress.
Tonight I just enjoyed this wonderful feeling of peace and contentment. I uploaded a ton of photos to Facebook which took a while....since I don't have a graphics card in my phone I had to email them to myself then put them in iPhoto then upload to FB. Worth it because with each photo I got to see my little people and they made me smile. I don't get to talk to them on Wednesday because they go to church with their dad. I still call every Wednesday to tell him to tell them that I called and that I love them. I doubt the messages go through but I do tell them that I call.
Tomorrow I have to get a shot of B12 in the morning, then I might drop by my dad's office to pick up some boxes and then head to work. I'm not sure how in the world I'm going to take two days off of work next week to prepare for move. I will probably get about 300 emails in the two days. I hope this shot will help me feel better. Basically my body doesn't absorb B12 from food and drink, so I used to take supplements but were super expensive so talked to doctor about a shot (which insurance would cover) and she agreed. So tomorrow is my first shot. I'm hopeful. Other doc needs me to get blood tests on all my levels of my medicines to make sure they are at the right amount.
Honestly I cannot put in words how nice it was to feel good for the whole day: no major aches and pains, no headaches, no tension, just ..... peace......and happiness.....and taquitos! :-)
This journey started two Sundays ago when the kid's pastor at my church talked about forgiveness. One thing he said that seared into my memory is "forgiveness is the only way to make the pain stop." I seriously have thought of that statement every single day since then because I knew that I was going to have to forgive my spouse and give him back to God. So I did. In the process I was given this wonderful day, a gem, a gift from God, shared with friends.
Almost bedtime, productive day and I am sitting here, typing, SMILING. What's up with that? Seriously I used to wonder if I would ever smile again, I had gotten caught up in the pain and could not shake loose. Thank you to the one who encouraged me to do what I did. Thank you for speaking truth to me when it was probably hard for me to hear. You blessed me by encouraging me to follow God. (don't really think anyone reads this blog but a couple of girlfriends but hey, it's my tribute).
I've been given this amazing chance at life. I get a second chance. God has set me free! I am free to be who He wants me to be, who I was created to be. I am free to be open to people, new friends and relationships and just be open to whatever God's got planned. I have a sense of what He has planned but am not sure so I pray. I ask Him for wisdom to know what to do.
Tonight I give praise to God, who set the captives free. I give praise to Jesus, who, while hanging on a cross extended forgiveness to the thief next to him and said "today you will be with me in paradise." Has it sunk in what an amazing God we serve? Blows my mind and makes me humble at the same time. He gives and He takes away. We don't always understand but I love Him and trust Him enough to step out, in faith, into the unknown. Unknown to me, but God has each one of my days planned and lined out. He knows how many hairs are on my head, when I will do this and that, and when I will go to be with Him. So who am I to worry? He's got it all covered!
God, thank you for this day, for good and nice friends, and for my family. Watch over my children until I can be with them again. Guard over them while they sleep.
Until next time I remain YOURS Lord.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Tonight I let it Go
Tonight I let go. Of what you ask? Well, tonight I let go of some really deep seeded anger that I had toward my soon to be ex-spouse and toward God. After I dropped off the kids tonight I drove to the first place where I told him how I felt about him. I remember it like yesterday. The first time we held hands, kissed.
It's been 10 years. Tonight I went to that spot to give him back to the Lord. What was interesting was what I realized is that I wasn't angry with my spouse, I was angry at God for not fixing what He could easily have fixed. I have been furious at my maker for two years now. I've held onto bitterness, anger, and my resentment became like a favorite shirt or sweater - one you always wear.
Tonight I let go of my spouse. I let go of the fact that we are never going to be married again. That God has chosen NOT to fix our marriage and that is His will. I do know and believe that God has what I hope to be an even better plan for the remainder of my life. Whether that be to remarry to someone, someday, or to remain single, I told God tonight that I would follow Him, wherever He leads me and serve Him through thick and thin.
Tonight I let go of all the hurt feelings. We're not talking about garden variety hurts that were inflicted. We're talking about domestic abuse. Letting go means that although I was once victimized I am not a victim anymore and I need to stop acting like one. I need to give myself permission to laugh once in a while, to experience joy, to remember who I used to be. To remember who THAT girl is, that woman.
I got so lost for so many years. I was lost in a horrible marriage, my health plumeted, and my emotional and mental health went down the tubes. Nothing and no one, no medicine, no procedure, nothing could make me better. Do you want to know the day I started to get better was the day I moved out. Even though I never wanted this pending divorce I feel it is a second chance at life. A cherished, blessed chance at being whole, being His, being content in whatever circumstances God puts me in.
I have felt so unloved and been unloved by my best friend and spouse for so many years I am not sure if I know how to let myself be vulnerable, to take down some of the walls I put up to protect me from him. But for me to move forward, make new friends, maybe someday fall in love I'm going to have to trust my heart to another person again. Tonight as I sit here that freaks me out on one hand and sounds lovely on the other. Maybe it's both things?
Tonight I am letting go of who he used to think I was and told me I was. I'm letting go of those mean things. Tonight I am laying those very deep hurts down at the foot of the cross. Tonight I'm remembering who I am in Christ. I am a child of God, a strong woman, a great mother, a good employee, and I would like to think a nice person. My self worth does not come from what others say about me, it comes from what God created me to be and from who and what He says I am. I am forgiven.
Tonight I'm laying it down. The hurt, anger, bitterness, resentment, insecurity, fear, anxiety, depression, everything. I give it up, I lay it down. It has hurt me for too long and I have learned much but now I am ready to move toward people, toward relationships with others. (that thought scares me to death).
Tonight I prayed for the person God has for me someday. Or I should say that I prayed there would be someone for me, a chance at love, an opportunity to share my life, my heart, my kids, with another. Fact is, although I sometimes act tough I am scared to death! The idea that I could re-marry someone kind, Christian, a leader, a good dad, and someone willing to take on this very complex person that I am...sounds wonderful. I truly hope that God will grant me a second chance at love because I have the biggest heart and just want to give it to someone to hold. I need someone who is more dominant than I am (but in a Godly way), stronger (I want him to lead, I want to follow), FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
Tonight I told God that I do not want to go to that same parking lot 10 years from now. I want to marry again FOR LIFE. Through thick, thin, happy, sad, sickness, health until death parts us in this world. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I have this amazing sense of peace that has wrapped around me since I prayed tonight. The worry is gone, the anxiety is gone. It's just peace. Tranquil heart....where o where have you been? Do you know how long it has been since my heart was tranquil? Probably about 8 years. Maybe longer. Maybe even before I got married.
All I have to say is this is not going to be my death sentence. I want God to use me, however He wants, all my life. Right now that means being a mom to the kids. That means being a good employee, working hard, making a living. My future just started tonight because tonight I let it go.
It's been 10 years. Tonight I went to that spot to give him back to the Lord. What was interesting was what I realized is that I wasn't angry with my spouse, I was angry at God for not fixing what He could easily have fixed. I have been furious at my maker for two years now. I've held onto bitterness, anger, and my resentment became like a favorite shirt or sweater - one you always wear.
Tonight I let go of my spouse. I let go of the fact that we are never going to be married again. That God has chosen NOT to fix our marriage and that is His will. I do know and believe that God has what I hope to be an even better plan for the remainder of my life. Whether that be to remarry to someone, someday, or to remain single, I told God tonight that I would follow Him, wherever He leads me and serve Him through thick and thin.
Tonight I let go of all the hurt feelings. We're not talking about garden variety hurts that were inflicted. We're talking about domestic abuse. Letting go means that although I was once victimized I am not a victim anymore and I need to stop acting like one. I need to give myself permission to laugh once in a while, to experience joy, to remember who I used to be. To remember who THAT girl is, that woman.
I got so lost for so many years. I was lost in a horrible marriage, my health plumeted, and my emotional and mental health went down the tubes. Nothing and no one, no medicine, no procedure, nothing could make me better. Do you want to know the day I started to get better was the day I moved out. Even though I never wanted this pending divorce I feel it is a second chance at life. A cherished, blessed chance at being whole, being His, being content in whatever circumstances God puts me in.
I have felt so unloved and been unloved by my best friend and spouse for so many years I am not sure if I know how to let myself be vulnerable, to take down some of the walls I put up to protect me from him. But for me to move forward, make new friends, maybe someday fall in love I'm going to have to trust my heart to another person again. Tonight as I sit here that freaks me out on one hand and sounds lovely on the other. Maybe it's both things?
Tonight I am letting go of who he used to think I was and told me I was. I'm letting go of those mean things. Tonight I am laying those very deep hurts down at the foot of the cross. Tonight I'm remembering who I am in Christ. I am a child of God, a strong woman, a great mother, a good employee, and I would like to think a nice person. My self worth does not come from what others say about me, it comes from what God created me to be and from who and what He says I am. I am forgiven.
Tonight I'm laying it down. The hurt, anger, bitterness, resentment, insecurity, fear, anxiety, depression, everything. I give it up, I lay it down. It has hurt me for too long and I have learned much but now I am ready to move toward people, toward relationships with others. (that thought scares me to death).
Tonight I prayed for the person God has for me someday. Or I should say that I prayed there would be someone for me, a chance at love, an opportunity to share my life, my heart, my kids, with another. Fact is, although I sometimes act tough I am scared to death! The idea that I could re-marry someone kind, Christian, a leader, a good dad, and someone willing to take on this very complex person that I am...sounds wonderful. I truly hope that God will grant me a second chance at love because I have the biggest heart and just want to give it to someone to hold. I need someone who is more dominant than I am (but in a Godly way), stronger (I want him to lead, I want to follow), FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
Tonight I told God that I do not want to go to that same parking lot 10 years from now. I want to marry again FOR LIFE. Through thick, thin, happy, sad, sickness, health until death parts us in this world. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I have this amazing sense of peace that has wrapped around me since I prayed tonight. The worry is gone, the anxiety is gone. It's just peace. Tranquil heart....where o where have you been? Do you know how long it has been since my heart was tranquil? Probably about 8 years. Maybe longer. Maybe even before I got married.
All I have to say is this is not going to be my death sentence. I want God to use me, however He wants, all my life. Right now that means being a mom to the kids. That means being a good employee, working hard, making a living. My future just started tonight because tonight I let it go.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
The Be-attitudes
This week, on one beautiful fall day I was talking to my mom on the phone and she told me that she recently thought about the beattitudes and thought that I should teach them to the girls. I thought it a great idea. Here they are:
What are the Beatitudes?
This section begins with the setting for the sermon on the mount, followed by the beatitudes.
The word "beatitude" is derived from the Latin "beatus," which means blessed or happy. This designation is appropriate because each teaching begins with the word "blessed."
Setting
When Jesus saw the crowds, He went up on the mountain; and after He sat down, His disciples came to Him. He opened His mouth and began to teach them, saying...
Beatitudes
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me.
Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Light of the world
You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt has become tasteless, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled under foot by men.
You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house.
Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.------
That last part is good. Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in heaven. You see the beatitudes are not about what they get us; they are about how we can glorify God through our actions BUT they are also statements of PROMISE. I don't know about you but in a world where breaking your word is as common as well, filing for divorce, the idea that these statements bring promise is very comforting to me. I am not sure which one is my favorite. I like "blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God." I've always wanted to be pure in heart. And since I am a believer I know that I will see God SOMEDAY but I think the speaker was talking about sooner rather than later. This person sees God in her life and in the lives of her children. That is who and what I want to be.
That is the only treasure I want.
Weekends are so hard when the house is empty and I am sitting here with just my thoughts and the blog.
There are so many things I want for myself and for my children but most of them do not have to do with earthly possessions. They are character traits. I want to teach my children to be more like God.
What are the Beatitudes?
This section begins with the setting for the sermon on the mount, followed by the beatitudes.
The word "beatitude" is derived from the Latin "beatus," which means blessed or happy. This designation is appropriate because each teaching begins with the word "blessed."
Setting
When Jesus saw the crowds, He went up on the mountain; and after He sat down, His disciples came to Him. He opened His mouth and began to teach them, saying...
Beatitudes
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me.
Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
Light of the world
You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt has become tasteless, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled under foot by men.
You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house.
Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.------
That last part is good. Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in heaven. You see the beatitudes are not about what they get us; they are about how we can glorify God through our actions BUT they are also statements of PROMISE. I don't know about you but in a world where breaking your word is as common as well, filing for divorce, the idea that these statements bring promise is very comforting to me. I am not sure which one is my favorite. I like "blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God." I've always wanted to be pure in heart. And since I am a believer I know that I will see God SOMEDAY but I think the speaker was talking about sooner rather than later. This person sees God in her life and in the lives of her children. That is who and what I want to be.
That is the only treasure I want.
Weekends are so hard when the house is empty and I am sitting here with just my thoughts and the blog.
There are so many things I want for myself and for my children but most of them do not have to do with earthly possessions. They are character traits. I want to teach my children to be more like God.
Deep Thoughts from a Sick Girl
Does admitting you're lonely make you pathetic? Because if that's the case I'm pathetic and also have other friends who are too. There is this social stigma against ever admitting it, at least that is how I feel sometimes. I often try to give off this air of strength when inside I feel like a 12 year old who is lost.
So yeah, today I am openly and fully admitting to this blog and it's one or two readers that I am lonely. I miss well, life. I got a taste of life lately and it was nice. It was very nice. I began to remember just who I was and what I had to offer. Remember who I was was probably the best thing that's happened to me in a really long time and it took hanging out with an old friend to remember WHO I really am.
But it's a Saturday, I'm sick, laying in bed most of the day, watching shows on the internet, waiting for the antibiotics to fix me up again so I can continue living life. Nothing like pajamas and tv and lots to drink when I'm sick. It sucks being sick when you have no one to help take care of you. My dad obigatoryly offered to bring me something, help me out. I DON'T WANT MY DAD TO HELP ME. I want someone my own age, preferably that I am involved with or married to someday to help me. I want to be IN a family again.
I love watching what my cats do when no one is looking. You'll never guess: cat nap! like 23 hours a day. That's the life I tell you! Hmmmm which chair shall I nap on now.....maybe I'll sneak onto my owner's bed and hang out among the pile of clean laundry at the other end of it!
Man I need a makeover. From the inside out. God's working on the inside part. Now it's my turn to start working on the outside.
Overall I am doing good. I have the most hectic couple of weeks and then I will be in my new place and hopefully divorced. I am ready for it to be over. For me to START OVER with someone special, someone nice. Who am I kidding? Who is ever going to want to take on a single mom with a list of issues a mile long and two kids? You know how I'll know? Because God will bring him to me. That is how I'll know. The kids won't scare him off nor will I. I will tell him my deepest darkest secrets and he won't run away but instead be drawn closer.
I'll just know.
So yeah, today I am openly and fully admitting to this blog and it's one or two readers that I am lonely. I miss well, life. I got a taste of life lately and it was nice. It was very nice. I began to remember just who I was and what I had to offer. Remember who I was was probably the best thing that's happened to me in a really long time and it took hanging out with an old friend to remember WHO I really am.
But it's a Saturday, I'm sick, laying in bed most of the day, watching shows on the internet, waiting for the antibiotics to fix me up again so I can continue living life. Nothing like pajamas and tv and lots to drink when I'm sick. It sucks being sick when you have no one to help take care of you. My dad obigatoryly offered to bring me something, help me out. I DON'T WANT MY DAD TO HELP ME. I want someone my own age, preferably that I am involved with or married to someday to help me. I want to be IN a family again.
I love watching what my cats do when no one is looking. You'll never guess: cat nap! like 23 hours a day. That's the life I tell you! Hmmmm which chair shall I nap on now.....maybe I'll sneak onto my owner's bed and hang out among the pile of clean laundry at the other end of it!
Man I need a makeover. From the inside out. God's working on the inside part. Now it's my turn to start working on the outside.
Overall I am doing good. I have the most hectic couple of weeks and then I will be in my new place and hopefully divorced. I am ready for it to be over. For me to START OVER with someone special, someone nice. Who am I kidding? Who is ever going to want to take on a single mom with a list of issues a mile long and two kids? You know how I'll know? Because God will bring him to me. That is how I'll know. The kids won't scare him off nor will I. I will tell him my deepest darkest secrets and he won't run away but instead be drawn closer.
I'll just know.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Iron Sharpening Iron
I haven't written much on here lately. I've been (1) busy and (2) tired. Tonight I had to cancel my time with the kids because I do not feel good. I know my limits and I know what would push me over.
Been thinking about a lot of things, one including forgiveness. I have realized that the resentments that I'm still holding onto regarding my marriage and my life with him, are causing me to physically and mentally be ill. I need to let some or all of it go.
What does it mean when a woman who was in an abusive relationship says she forgives her husband? Does that mean she is letting him off the hook? Well, in a way yes. If I can forgive my spouse, I can let God give him any consequences he has coming his way. Ultimately we will all have to stand before God to answer for our lives, choices and decisions. I don't want to be the girl who "almost" lived.
I feel like my resentment is keeping me from being ME. It is also keeping me from feeling free as a mother. I'm tired of being paranoid if I screw something up that I could potentially have my children yanked from me. I cannot live under that stress any more. So I have to let it go. That is easier said than done.
Forgiving someone who isn't repentful is hard. If he'd even own up to his half of things I've already apologized way back when for my part in it and asked for a second chance. Needless and obvious to say he turned down that request.
There are so many broken things in my heart I'm not sure that I'll ever sort them all out. The person who I was married to is still in my head. When I do something "wrong" or different I hear him. When I lose my temper around the kids I hear his condemnation in my head saying "see I told you so. She is unfit. The kids should live with me." That is my very worst fear in the world. I fear my children being taken from me more than dying.
Pray for me to have the will and spirit to forgive. How do you forgive when some of the things you feel are probably justified? They shouldn't have happened to me. I guess that I don't get to be judge and jury. God has His hand over us all.
Somebody told me something last night and there is nothing like hearing truth that is hard to hear, from a friend. A friend who cares enough about you to tell you hard things. This person basically said that I've spent the last two years proving and showing everyone that I'm a fit mom, etc. but I haven't taken care of myself. I put myself last. It was so true. Immediately I knew that I needed to (1) take better care of myself physically and also (2) take better care of myself emotionally. I still do counseling, etc. For me, just talking to friends about my past, my situation has been more helpful than a thousand counseling sessions.
It made me think "as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." That is what friendship and relationship with others is all about.
Been thinking about a lot of things, one including forgiveness. I have realized that the resentments that I'm still holding onto regarding my marriage and my life with him, are causing me to physically and mentally be ill. I need to let some or all of it go.
What does it mean when a woman who was in an abusive relationship says she forgives her husband? Does that mean she is letting him off the hook? Well, in a way yes. If I can forgive my spouse, I can let God give him any consequences he has coming his way. Ultimately we will all have to stand before God to answer for our lives, choices and decisions. I don't want to be the girl who "almost" lived.
I feel like my resentment is keeping me from being ME. It is also keeping me from feeling free as a mother. I'm tired of being paranoid if I screw something up that I could potentially have my children yanked from me. I cannot live under that stress any more. So I have to let it go. That is easier said than done.
Forgiving someone who isn't repentful is hard. If he'd even own up to his half of things I've already apologized way back when for my part in it and asked for a second chance. Needless and obvious to say he turned down that request.
There are so many broken things in my heart I'm not sure that I'll ever sort them all out. The person who I was married to is still in my head. When I do something "wrong" or different I hear him. When I lose my temper around the kids I hear his condemnation in my head saying "see I told you so. She is unfit. The kids should live with me." That is my very worst fear in the world. I fear my children being taken from me more than dying.
Pray for me to have the will and spirit to forgive. How do you forgive when some of the things you feel are probably justified? They shouldn't have happened to me. I guess that I don't get to be judge and jury. God has His hand over us all.
Somebody told me something last night and there is nothing like hearing truth that is hard to hear, from a friend. A friend who cares enough about you to tell you hard things. This person basically said that I've spent the last two years proving and showing everyone that I'm a fit mom, etc. but I haven't taken care of myself. I put myself last. It was so true. Immediately I knew that I needed to (1) take better care of myself physically and also (2) take better care of myself emotionally. I still do counseling, etc. For me, just talking to friends about my past, my situation has been more helpful than a thousand counseling sessions.
It made me think "as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." That is what friendship and relationship with others is all about.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Fresh Start
Just glad tomorrow's a new day. With that I will wish you all a good night. I love that God grants us new mercies every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness o Lord. Great is Thy faithfulness.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Desires, Mine and God's: a mesh
My kids have no reality what I do for a living. One just thinks that I can go on field trips anytime like his/her dad does. I'm like "I have a job and have to be there honey." How do I explain that my vacation hours this year are being burned on court dates and hearings, on packing and on moving? How do I explain that I'm not a stay at home mom anymore and that I have responsibilities to take care of them and that means having a job? Still the guilt crept in and I was insanely jealous that I cannot go on his/her field trip. I'll not get to be the room mother, participate much in PTA or do any mom-like things.
I think that lately I've become painfully aware that I do not like to be alone. For a while I just shielded my heart from aloneness and had resided myself with that being my future. Now I've been given a glimpse at what God could do in my life and I am no longer just happy being alone.
I don't want my old life back. I want what God wants and that is so much better than what I had the first time around. I believe that this time around He is going to give me a husband who hungers and thirsts after righteousness. A husband who lifts me up, encourages my spirit. A husband who makes me smile and that I want to talk to all the time. A new best friend. I want to be able to come home from work (If I continue working, which I'd love to be a stay at home mom/wife), and hang out with the kids. His, mine or other. I want a husband who is truly a partner in parenting. I don't need someone to do it all for me, I just need someone to assist in the things that need to be done.
I want to be wildly, passionately in love with someone. That kind of love that makes you giddy and twitterpatted. That kind that makes you weak in the knees. The kind that makes you think about them and being with them all day.
Ah, the dream. Now the reality: sitting here alone in a dark room on my laptop. Kids in other room trying to sleep. Wondering if I'll have any adult conversation tonight or if I'll turn in early. Wondering if I will have the strength to make it through another wild weekend with the kids! God designed man and woman for each other, in every way: spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically. A good relationship will have a healthy balance of all four. That is what I want - a normal, happy marriage FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I want to be married and old. I want to grow old with someone. The same someone that I marry next. This is my second chance and I'm not blowing this for anything in the world.
God, please give me your heart's desire and my heart's desire if that would be Your will. Please send me someone who can come alongside me, partner with me and help me lead my little family. I am not looking to replace their dad, only looking to fill the void in my life with someone wonderful. God, if you're listening and if you follow my blog, I give this request to You tonight.
Thank you God, for my many blessings, including the two little people asleep in the other room.
I think that lately I've become painfully aware that I do not like to be alone. For a while I just shielded my heart from aloneness and had resided myself with that being my future. Now I've been given a glimpse at what God could do in my life and I am no longer just happy being alone.
I don't want my old life back. I want what God wants and that is so much better than what I had the first time around. I believe that this time around He is going to give me a husband who hungers and thirsts after righteousness. A husband who lifts me up, encourages my spirit. A husband who makes me smile and that I want to talk to all the time. A new best friend. I want to be able to come home from work (If I continue working, which I'd love to be a stay at home mom/wife), and hang out with the kids. His, mine or other. I want a husband who is truly a partner in parenting. I don't need someone to do it all for me, I just need someone to assist in the things that need to be done.
I want to be wildly, passionately in love with someone. That kind of love that makes you giddy and twitterpatted. That kind that makes you weak in the knees. The kind that makes you think about them and being with them all day.
Ah, the dream. Now the reality: sitting here alone in a dark room on my laptop. Kids in other room trying to sleep. Wondering if I'll have any adult conversation tonight or if I'll turn in early. Wondering if I will have the strength to make it through another wild weekend with the kids! God designed man and woman for each other, in every way: spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically. A good relationship will have a healthy balance of all four. That is what I want - a normal, happy marriage FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I want to be married and old. I want to grow old with someone. The same someone that I marry next. This is my second chance and I'm not blowing this for anything in the world.
God, please give me your heart's desire and my heart's desire if that would be Your will. Please send me someone who can come alongside me, partner with me and help me lead my little family. I am not looking to replace their dad, only looking to fill the void in my life with someone wonderful. God, if you're listening and if you follow my blog, I give this request to You tonight.
Thank you God, for my many blessings, including the two little people asleep in the other room.
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