In the Trenches

Do you ever have those weekends when you feel you're in the trenches of parenting?  This was one of those weekends for me.  I felt like I was in the trenches.  You know, the times when you want to pull out your hair and cry or laugh, you're not sure which?  Kids pushing their limits, causing mom to set the boundaries and consequences.

Today was a great day.  I served the second graders at church by helping a little.  Our regular teacher was gone and I served with some nice people. Then I was able to participate in the parent/child dedication with the kids.  It was amazing and special and neat.  People probably thought that we were weird because the kids were older but this was my way of asking the church, my family and people there to help me raise my kids up in the Lord.  I had a brief moment when I wished that I wasn't standing there alone, that I was standing their with their dad but that moment quickly passed as I realize that I am now the spiritual leader in our home.  That situation is not how I envisioned it.

I've begun to realize lately that what little ties held me to the kid's dad are all but gone and in a couple of weeks will be gone completely.  I'm ready to start again, so ready to meet people, develop friendships and if God would have it in my future, marry again.  My dream is being a stay at home mom again.  I'd like to be a full time mom even if I just have my own kids part time.  Maybe I'll inherit kids if I marry again and have step children.  I hate the word step children it sounds so evil and not loved.  If I marry then my husband's children will be as my own and I will love them and do for them the same.  Honestly I think it would be a slight adjustment, okay a major adjustment, but I really am open to whatever God will have for me.  I had always wanted a big family, maybe I'll marry into one.

Tonight I learned my little one has told all his/her friends about Jesus and about how to go to Heaven while at recess.  How cool is that?  So neat to see God working in little people's lives.  Makes me feel both humbled and proud at the same time.  So proud to be his/her momma.  Made me so excited because the kids really are picking up what they hear at church and what I tell them about God in our every day life.  Super cool night.

I'm tired.  Will go to bed early.  Slept horrible last night but made it.  Early morning in the am. and we have to get up early tomorrow for school.  I've got lunches made except for sandwiches which I will do in the a.m.

Trying to get kids to bed early tonight as they seem tired tonight.  Big, wonderful day to celebrate.

Happy momma tonight.  Wish they didn't have to go back to their dad's.  I like them HERE.  I can't deal with the fact that I may have to share them 50/50 with their dad for their whole life.  They want to be here.  They've said so.  Now to trust God to work it out.

Lord I give my children to you tonight.  I give you my role as mother.  Please shape me into a person more like You.  I need more patience and I need a tongue that is under control.  Please help me to have wisdom Lord.  Wisdom from above.

Slow Down the Clocks Lord

You're know your day is ending well when your toilet overflows and you only own 3 towels and two bathmats.  I now have two towels and no bathmats.  I do not plan to launder the three in question.  GROSS

This was a really really hard day.  Physically I am not feeling good.  I would not be surprised at all if doctor calls with some adjustment on one of my meds next week after my lab tests are back.  I am TIRED of feeling TIRED and am trying to change from the inside out.  God has overhauled my heart, now I need His help to overhaul my body.  I need to take better care of self for (1) my sake and (2) the sake of my children.  They need me to be around.  So I've undertaken cutting out some caffeine or cutting way back.  I seriously feel like I'm withdrawing from a drug.  Horrible yucky not good feeling.  I know that it won't last forever and that I need to stick with it.  It might get worse before it gets better.

Had lunch with a friend which made the day go a little better.  :-)

Tonight I had one child while the other was ill.  I hadn't spent any time with the one I had for probably more than a year.  It was nice.

Tomorrow and this weekend I get them....they get to come HOME.  With me.  I cannot wait.  My heart will have some peace.

Thank you, Lord, for my children.  Empower me with Your Spirit.  Give me patience, an extra dose.  Please help me to feel better so that I can care for them with love.  Give us slowed down time.....so that we can cherish each second we get to spend together.  Slow down the clocks!

Good night

Drip drip drip

Very hard day again.  Tonight I lost it on the way to counseling.  I cried about half the way there!  Weird thing is that I am not quite sure why.  It was such a relief, like I'd been holding it inside for a long time.  I was chatty cathy at counseling, more than usual.  I feel like I'm undergoing major change STILL and AGAIN and it is never easy but I know that God is working in me.

Truth is, I'm trying to learn to open myself up to people, to friends.  It is unusual because every since I moved here I closed off my heart in self-protective mode.  Now I'm headed toward the final stretch of this process, not long from my actual divorce and God is calling me to open up my heart again.

So tonight I am just relaxing and it is so nice.  Lots of rain today; guess the world needed watering.

God is watering my soul.  And it feels good.

Work Life and Keeping Your Chin Up

Today was one of those days that was just really really long.  Work was hard, I wound up with the grumpiest military member of the year and will for sure have to talk with him tomorrow and I'm dreading it.  Sometimes my field isn't fun.  Today it wasn't fun...it wore at me.

I feel like I became the grump monster earlier today and hope that I didn't hurt a friend's feelings.  Sometimes having friends is hard when they require complete honesty.  I'm not saying that I'm a liar, I'm just saying that sometimes being honest with others is scary.  I have some people that I am completely honest with and I can count them on one hand.  Adding people to that mix is scary and does not come easily to me.

I feel like I am failing in every area of my life sometimes.  Just one of those days I guess.  Tomorrow will be better.  Once in a blue moon I get blue.  I am used to being the consumate encourager....but sometimes this encourager needs encouragement.  I am my children's biggest supporter, the loyalist of friends, the sounding board for some and sometimes I just run out of fuel.  I'm out of fuel.  I want to crawl in the corner so that I can deal with my own problems.  Actually tonight they feel like they have just floaded upon me.....and I just need to deal with them or get out of the way.

Unbelievable stress sometimes causes me to short circuit!  Even though I trust God with all of my heart I still struggle with worry.  I worry about being able to provide for my family.  I worry about having enough money to move.  I am WORRIED today.  This does not happen to me very often....but occasionally my humanity comes to the surface and I worry.  I'm human.

When is it going to be MY turn to be happy?  I have been so unhappy for so many years that when I feel a little happiness I freak out and go running in the other direction.  Feeling happy is foreign.  I mean, I want it but it requires a whole new level of honesty and that FREAKS ME OUT a little bit.  Sometimes I wonder why I write.  I make little sense but it is the one thing that I do for just me.  Writing here helps me heal.

Could it be that I am afraid to be happy?  That I got used to being unhappy and that the idea of being really truly openly  happy freaks me out?  Easier to shut self off than to be vulnerable.  Easier to close down feminine side of me to succeed in the work world.  Feel like I'm trapped inside this body and feel that body is keeping me from one thing that I want.  Frustrating.

Tonight I struggle but I know that God's mercies are new every morning.  Perhaps tomorrow I will be showered in God's mercy and goodness again.  And I will get out of my own way and let heart be open to new things.

God is Good

God is good.  That is my tid bit of wisdom for tonight.  All the time.

Ready and Willing but Not feeling Able!

So here I sit, two years later, still dealing with world's longest divorce I still have to realize that I am exactly where God wants me to be.  I'm just now ready to be divorced.  It took this long.  Now although it will hurt greatly and make me very sad, I am ready to not be married to this person any more.  In another month all my ties beyond that of having kids together, all ties will be gone, broken.  I will be FREE.  Free to follow Christ as He leads me toward a new life, new everything.  I'm moving too to top it off

Greatest opportunity for disaster is greatest opportunity for blessing in God's world.  I like that.  Just heard visiting pastor say this.   I have to ignore what I feel and trust what I see and step out in faith.  I feel like this is my time, I can either step toward God, despite my crippling fear and anxiety, and experience what God has planned for me, the blessings He has for me or I can let the fear paralyze me into immobility.

I want to be a woman after God's own heart.  I want to continue serving my church, my children and someday, another husband for the rest of my life.  God created people for relationships.  I have been alone for so many years, legally for two years, and now I am ready to although it freaks me out, ready to open my heart to another in faith.  You see, I know that God can heal and is healing what was broken when that divorce was filed but God is going to have the glory in my life through this.  God can take what is broken and make something beautiful from it.

Sticks and stones will break our bones but words will break our hearts.  That sums it up for me.  The words that were spoken into my life have hurt me so very deeply.   Will I ever forget the words that broke me?  I'm not really sure.  To this day they haunt me and in the quiet moments I believe Satan brings them to mind, trying to tear me down, trying to break me.  So today I just give them back to God. I give my hurt to God for Him to heal me.   Pastor just said "words are ambassadors of the soul."  How very true.

So Lord, not sure why you have me here today thinking, cleaning, working, but I know you want my attention.  You have my attention and my heart.  Please bless me and my children in a special way.  Please provide what I need financially in order to do what I need in the next couple of months.  I've seen you do amazing things in my life and I'm counting on your continued blessing in my life and in the lives of my children.

God I give myself to you again today.  Take me and use me, even in my brokenness to bless You and to bless others, especially my children.  Help others to see Christ in me in the midst of this heartache.  Thank you for the friends who have come alongside me to encourage.   Lord bless them as they have blessed me.

until another time,

God is Good

This morning I started out frustrated and angry, mainly at my printer.  I eventually got it working and then found a couple of places I wanted to call on or go see.

I went to the first place, decided it was suitable, in good area and in budget and then just signed the lease.  I'm so glad to have a plan.  Paid pet deposit and apartment deposit.  That felt good.

Then had lunch with a friend which was fun.  Nice to feel human again; have friends to hang out with, talk about life with.  I've realized that my life has been so empty, even for years.  When I was married I didn't really have many friends outside of my married life.  We didn't even have married friends to hang out with. We had the kids then rarely went out as a couple.  Although I loved my new role as a mom I mourned the loss of my love.

So  now I am beginning anew.  New life, new location to live in, new neighborhood, new opportunities for change and growth.  Starting anew is a good thing.  Sometimes beginning anew means taking chances, opening yourself up to others when you've been so closed down, shut down, for years.  I was hurt so deeply and over such a long period of time that I did shut down emotionally.  It's what you do when you feel you're under attack.  It is not, however, any way to live a life.

I sometimes think that I've waisted the last ten years but when I do that I have to sharply remember that that is simply  not true.  I was blessed with two amazing creatures that I call my children on here. They are my legacy of those years, not the hurt.  And it's because of them that I have the courage to step up, become strong and LIVE LIFE, boldly, strongly.  So although I am not going to have a husband anymore (or at least not that one!), I take comfort in the fact that God did indeed give me my heart's desire - my children.

So I press forward, trusting God that He will provide for me in very real ways.

God is preparing me for something, for someone even.  It is weird but it has to be God changing me, giving me courage to step out, to be open.  I can honestly say that I am ready to love again.  I am ready to love and be loved and that scares me but living, really radically living, can be scary.  I am ready to walk hand in hand with someone who I care for.  I am ready to let someone into my heart and into my life.  (okay did I just type that?????)  Yep, I think that I did.

What has happened to me?