Missing my Little People

Being without my children for me is like hell on earth.  I know, in the big scheme of things there are much worse things but for me, this is the hardest thing that I've ever had to endure.  Sometimes the pain of not having them here is unbearable like it is tonight.  I miss them intensely.  A two minute phone conversation does not cut it for me tonight.  I want their little selves here with me, in our HOME.

Today I've been "nesting" in my new apartment.  I really want this place to feel like home because my last place was NOT.  I detested being there, it felt like torture because my home, where my babies were, was right up the street.  The nice thing about the new place is that everything up here is new.  New home,  new place, new place to make a life.

My little one asked me the other day if when we move from here will it be into a house?  I told him/her "I hope so honey but I don't know."  It is like the very thing that I want to provide for them (home of our own) is a million years away.  It's at least 5 years away.  By then my oldest will be a teenager and it will just be different.

New Day with New Grace and Mercies

I'm so thankful to have the weekend to rejuvenate.  I literally am tapped out emotionally, mentally and physically.  I'm the definition of weary.

The good thing is that I might be transitioning into a new job at my work.  (yeah God.)  Prayed a couple of months ago about it and asked God to provide a solution for the situation I was in.  It might be happening as early as Monday.  We'll see.

So this weekend I have to toy shop and decorate for a birthday.  Little one has a birthday this week.  Must be perfect.  Want him/her to love it.

My folks might come over next weekend.  That would be great.  Maybe I can include dinner.  Except my mom is allergic to cats.  I'll just have to clean good.  Not really unpacked yet but I don't care.  I can only do what I can do.

Glad to have a new day to start over.  Please ignore my last two posts.  That was evil stressed out me.  Saturday me is a lot calmer.

Until next time, I remain in HIS hands.

Addendum: or Can I have a New Job, Move and a Divorce please?

I'm just tired.  I want a little peace in my life.  Right after I found out today that my job might be changing (highly stressful I might add), I get a comment to the last post that came from left field.

I started this blog and have like 10 people who know about it.  I know who they all are.  Sure, it might have some random viewers but for the most part I've kept it small so that I could remain anonymous.  I've needed this blog as a safe place to write about all the things that I've gone through over the last two years specifically and more broader, about the last 5 or more years.  This blog is an outlet, a way for me to think through my feelings, process them, and move on.

My intention was never to hurt anyone's feelings.

I work in a job where people basically see me as the enemy all day long.  I'm in the middle/end of a very long and very very stressful marriage and divorce.  It has drained the very life from me at times.  So I have one place where I go to let it all hang out.  Here.  This blog.  Someday I plan to write a book about it all but for now it's just a blog.

If I even get an inkling that I am being treated in the same way that I was by the man I was married to, I will not be silent.  No, I don't broadcast every intimate detail of my life on here or my friends.  That would be a breach of trust.

I'm still going to post.  I'm going to be me.  I'm just an ordinary girl.  I do have a deep faith.  Do I live it out perfectly?  Absolutely not.  Am I the perfect mother?  Not a chance.  Is my heart pure?  You bet.  I have the best of intentions.  So if you have something to say to me and you have my email and I know that you do, please talk to me.

I am beyond tired and weary and broken.  I'm just a regular girl.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and it gets me into trouble a LOT.  That's the way God made me.  He made me passionate.  That is a blessing and a curse.  I can be passionately loving and passionately hating sometimes.  I'm so not perfect.  I'm just an average girl whose heart's desire is to be a good mom, employee, and friend.

I long for the same things everyone does: to have friends they can trust.  To love and be loved.  To be accepted for WHO YOU ARE (now) not who people want you to be.  To just be treated with respect.    That's all I really want.

So if you're the party that I hurt, I hope that you will brave contact with me again so that we can work through this.  Perhaps with some more information you might understand why I reacted the way that I did.  I think perhaps there is more to this story that you don't know but you probably should.

I'm just a girl.  I'm maxed out in the stress arena: just moved, have to move more stuff again next month, now I might have to start a new job, every thing I do is new.  I couldn't find a gas station on my way to work the other day.  I have a new grocery store.  I need to find a pharmacy that's close.  My job is freaking me out and I am not doing well at it at the moment and I used to rule the job.  Oh yeah, and in the middle of this my marriage is going to be legally over.  I've had two people in my life die in the last two weeks. So you might consider cutting me a little slack.

With that I am going to log off.  I need a vacation.  Or a really long nap.

My Deep Thoughts for the Night or Screw off

Done.  I'm just done.  I'm thinking that in order to get anyone's attention one needs to be skinny, blonde, have no kids and be in perfect shape.  Well screw that.

I am who I am.  I do not give a damn what anyone else thinks about it.

I'm just done.  I will not be used as the friend who listens to all the dramas and goes home by herself.  I have better things to do with my time than to be the Dear Abby.  I am not a dear Abby.  I am a human being myself with feelings.  My struggles are as important as yours are.  Not more important but on the same level.

I'm just done.  I'm sick of being with guys who treat me like shit.  Sick of it.  If you don't want to pay attention to what I'm saying when we're together then buzz off and go do something else 'cuz I have better things to do with my time than mess around and be treated as less than human.

That's pretty much what I have to say tonight.  I'm glad I have like one reader.  The bottom line is we're all pretty alone....a few of us manage to find someone.  The rest of us would just like to be treated as if they might have a chance at happiness.

I'm DONE.  I'm so pissed it's not even funny.  I'm not the fat friend that everyone tells their woes to.  I'm a human being.

So screw off.  You know who you are.

Dog Gone Tired

It's been almost a week since I posted on here.  I think that I was just talked out, worn out, weary and just dog gone tired!

This afternoon I was driving home asking and thinking to myself: why does God have me in such a high stress job?  I mean, I used to love going to work.  Now it is just too much to do, not enough time to do it in.    The pressure to keep up is high.

I don't know what God is trying to do in my life.  I mean, I know that what is happening is His plan but even after 30 plus years of loving Him I  still do not understand how this all is His plan.  I'm feeling frustrated, a little overwhelmed and confused.

I thought that I was ready to re-enter the dating world.  I thought that I might be open to that....now I'm not so sure.  I'm lonely but that is not a reason to seek out another.  Sure I'm red blooded American girl who longs for all the same things red blooded American males long for.  It's just that I've been so deeply hurt that I'm not sure if I could ever just put down my guard and be me.  I tried doing that recently but I fear even that was a failure.  I suck at relationships.  I probably even suck at friendships.

I feel like I barely have enough energy for my kids.  Add some pets to that, a new apartment, and a stressful job I have nothing to offer anyone.  I am just making it day to day.

So I am not sure about the male species.  I think that I should probably just be for a while.  Just me, myself and I.  I want someone to pursue ME.  I do not want to sign up on a lame dating site to make friends who might have the potential to turn into dates.  Been there, done that.  I'm not sure I want to do it again.  I think that God is capable of bringing someone into my life or maybe He already has.  I just need to be open to it all.

Tonight I worry not.  I plan to just lay on my pillow, be a vegetable and watch tv.  I'm just so tired.

Until next time,

A season for everything

Not the day.  Today was not the day for the divorce.  We all though it was but it wasn't.  Now we have to wait another month and a half.  I'm not excited about this.  I was ready TODAY.  I prepared my heart to be through today.  I had the talk with him TODAY.

But it was not to be.  God had a different plan.  Today I was just thinking about the passage in Ecclesiastes where it says there is a time for.....basically there is a time for everything under the sun.  That God has our lives mapped out.  I rest in that thought and those truths tonight.  I trust God and know that He has this all under control.

It is hard for me to NOT worry a little bit.  I have a year of alimony then it's all me.  I need to make a lot more money than I do now and need to start looking for another job or another job in my field.  I need to bring it to the Lord and ask Him to provide it for me.  He's done that for every other thing that I've asked for in the last couple of years.

I was ready.  I was ready to be done, to move on.  I was ready.  It was not meant to be for today.  I am sitting here again going:  God, what are you doing?  How does this fit into your plan?  Can you help me to glorify you through my disappointment?  Can you help me tomorrow when I have to talk to co-workers?  I want to glorify you Lord but right now I'm still frustrated, weary and just really really TIRED.

Lord I give this all to you.  You are the author and perfector of my faith.  Give me the courage I need to go through the next many weeks.  I need your strength God.  So much.

Darn cough won't go away.  I'm tired of my cough!

Until next time.

Starting to Feel Like Home

I feel like I'm finally starting my new life.  In a couple of days there is a good chance my divorce will be finalized (please let it be).  I'm ready to move on.  Ready to be open to whatever situations and whomever God has for me or doesn't.

But I'm not closed to the idea of having a special someone in my life.  In fact although my life is hectic, you can't wait for life to slow down to meet people....for me, as a single mom, I've just got to fit it into my life NOW.  I've been through the stages where I threw myself into work, into this or that.  Now I want a balanced life.  I want a family again.  I want to be a family with someone again.  Very much.

Part of me knows the way God has brought people into my life before and part of me has an inkling of where God is leading but another part of me has no clue at all what God is up to.  I wish that I knew.

Right now I need to learn what it's like to live a more balanced life.  I remember two years ago I would come home from working all sorts of odd shifts, and be soooo tired.  I didn't have a set schedule for over 6 months and then I worked two jobs for the next year or so.  I'm happy to just have one full time job now.

I'm very confused.  I do not understand men at all.  I give up.  I thought I might have it figured out and NOPE wrong again.  I give.  Well I'm certainly not going to lose any sleep over it all.  No one is worth that.  (well maybe my kids...but we're not talking about them!).

Who knows?  All I know is that I'm putting on my jammies and watching some tv.  I did not sleep good again last night (new house, matress turned, room is too light, to name a few).  I've got parent teacher conferences tomorrow at 7:30 then my car goes to the shop to get looked at.  I am broker than broke so hope it doesn't cost an arm or a leg.

Until next time,