Today, in fact this whole week I felt the hand of God on and in my life. Last weekend I prayed a heart felt prayer to ask God for guidance and wisdom regarding my living situation. The very next day a person at a place I go to told me that because of some info I had given her I now qualified for their help. I was to pick up a letter from them and then take it to this place, this apartment complex and fill out an application.
So Wednesday I picked up the letter and today I went to the apartment place. I walked in, a little scared that I would be treated as a less than human being because of my situation and this letter I carried. A very nice woman sat down with me, told me all about what they do, and showed me the apartment. It was smaller - much smaller than my current place but it will be adequate for my needs for the next couple of years. I filled out an application and she ran the credit check which wasn't great because someone else left me with a mountain of debt and no job. He had stopped paying my bills months before the divorce was filed. So when I got these bills they were already or close to being in collections. Thanks to God and some help from people I have been able to pay them off, I"m almost done.
I was treated with dignity and respect and it felt amazing. I am going to be living quite a ways from the kids but maybe this is what I need - a fresh start in new surroundings. It is not far from where we once lived when my oldest was young. It's crowded and busy but it is going to be my new home and I am just thankful. I am blessed beyond belief.
Can't wait to talk to the kids to tell them the news. God is working. He is moving. More than ever I want to know His will and do it no matter the consequence to me.
Amazing things are happening in my life. Some of my friends are experiencing great happiness while others are in deep despair. I rejoice with one and mourn with one. Bearing one another's burdens. God created us all for relationships with each other. That is what it is all about. He as the creator longs to have relationships with His children. We, those who are His children, should long for Him in the same way.
On my way home tonight I cried. It felt good to be treated with dignity today at the place where I went. Tonight I miss my children immensely. They are with their father and I have not talked with them since yesterday when I took them to their day camp. I long to have them with me. I believe that somehow someday God will work it out for my children to be with me either all the time or most of the time. I long for that. I beseech God for that.
Tonight I have one or two relationships with people that need mending and I'm not sure how to begin. It starts with humility and I need to ask God for wisdom to know how to work things out. I have an idea. I will have to see if this person is open to my idea. It would be an olive branch offered. A peace offering. To mend what has been broken.
God is doing an amazing work in my life. Nothing is impossible for God. It's nice to have such an a person on your side. I feel as if He would move mountains for me and He has!!!!! Things that I thought impossible are now possible. God is working out the path of my life day by day and I am thankful for His many blessings.
Tonight I am thankful to be alive after last week's scare. I am thankful for friends who truly care about me. I am thankful for my family who has stood with me against the enemy who has tried to tear me down. Satan has tried to shipwreck my life for the past 5-6 years and God just keeps protecting me, putting me under his wing to shelter me from what Satan is trying to do. God has been the insulation of my life. He hasn't insulated me from experiencing the hurts and results of sin and the break up of my relationship but he has insulated me somewhat from Satan's attacks. I feel a little like God did to me like He did to Job. God allowed Satan to do all these horrible things to see if Job would remain righteous and remain trusting in His maker. I feel like God has allowed me to experience great pain and although I may never truly and fully understand it while I'm here, I know that God has a purpose for what He is doing and I trust Him.
You see, his character is good. He is good. He is omnipotent. He is omniscient. He is all in all. He is the I AM. Before the world began He was. God spoke and the world came into existence. Then He created man, his greatest creation and the one that He loves the most.
We live in a fallen world. We're broken people who love God passionately through the pain, through the hurt and through the disappointment because we love God THAT MUCH. We rest in Him.
Lately all I've wanted to do is write. I rarely turn on my tv anymore, am contemplating getting rid of cable and getting rid of tv at our home. I'm not sure that I'm going that radical. I'm just thinking about it. I want to help other people who are hurting. I feel it is my calling, my mission. I'm not exactly sure who I'm supposed to help but God knows. I just have to listen for His plan.
God is on His throne. Someday we will worship at His feet in awe of His majesty. Singing Holy Holy Holy. When I get there I want more than anything else in the world to hear God say "well done my good servant." That would be the best words ever spoken.
That is all there is so say tonight.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
On FB and the written electronic word aka "email"
Another day. Another chance at life. What a gift; what a blessing.
I pause because my cat's laying near me somewhere in the living room and I can hear her snoring. She definitely has a sleep disorder! Hope it's not cat sleep apnea! Then she could be like me and wear a CPAP mask to breathe every night!
I return. To me, the written word is thoughtful. I prefer this as a means of communication over the phone for many reasons. I put great thought into my emails whereas when I am talking often my emotions ruin my words and I say things that I would rather not have said. This is why when it is of great importance I prefer to write it down.
Apparently I commented on a family member's pet's FB page and in doing so offended the person writing the pet page. It's so weird I can't even believe it's true but my dad said it's true. It's a dog page....take a joke. If you're going to have your dog call you mommy or daddy then you are going to get teased 'cuz that's just weird. Bottom line. Saying something like that shouldn't offend...it's just a stinkin joke.
So can you tell that I'm a little peeved tonight? Apparently I've done it again. Alienated someone in my family over something that I wrote. I give up.
I have too much S*(T in my life right now to worry about someone's dog's FB page. I mean, come on. You have GOT to be kidding. I thought it funny so I had my cats make a FB page so they could be friends with the furry creature who has since unfriended me without comment or call or email. All my kids know is that someone who used to be our/their friend is no longer their friend. I had the older one write a note to the furry creature and all, making it a fun thing that the kids could do.
Grow up. At least have the courtesy to let me know you're mad. At least then I would have a fighting chance to mend the friendship.
I give up. I'm done. Of course I care about the relationship or it wouldn't bother me this much. The fact is, I'M NOT LIKE EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY. Have they figured that out yet? I do and like different things that are okay. Like email. Email is not the world's evil. It's neutral. My dad actually told me tonight that email is the lowest form of communication. Apparently one other family member doesn't believe in email anymore and the sentiment has spread among my family. It's absurd. I have to have email to perform my job. Without it I would not have a job or could not do it as efficiently.
I'm just done. I'm freaking frustrated. I even called the person to apologize and my call has not been returned. Geesh. How immature. At least I made a gesture.
I'm tired, haven't had dinner, had stupid therapy tonight. Kids were weird and odd on the phone tonight, then I talk to my dad for a long time and that was odd. Apparently I said something to my mom that had her all bent out of shape for weeks.
I give up. I try to have relationships with people. I shouldn't have to change who I am to be friends or family with someone. I mean, I'm a nice person and I care about people. My intentions are always honorable....especially in my communication. This is why I am venting frustration over the phone, internet and family and friends tonight.
I'm done. Goodnight
I pause because my cat's laying near me somewhere in the living room and I can hear her snoring. She definitely has a sleep disorder! Hope it's not cat sleep apnea! Then she could be like me and wear a CPAP mask to breathe every night!
I return. To me, the written word is thoughtful. I prefer this as a means of communication over the phone for many reasons. I put great thought into my emails whereas when I am talking often my emotions ruin my words and I say things that I would rather not have said. This is why when it is of great importance I prefer to write it down.
Apparently I commented on a family member's pet's FB page and in doing so offended the person writing the pet page. It's so weird I can't even believe it's true but my dad said it's true. It's a dog page....take a joke. If you're going to have your dog call you mommy or daddy then you are going to get teased 'cuz that's just weird. Bottom line. Saying something like that shouldn't offend...it's just a stinkin joke.
So can you tell that I'm a little peeved tonight? Apparently I've done it again. Alienated someone in my family over something that I wrote. I give up.
I have too much S*(T in my life right now to worry about someone's dog's FB page. I mean, come on. You have GOT to be kidding. I thought it funny so I had my cats make a FB page so they could be friends with the furry creature who has since unfriended me without comment or call or email. All my kids know is that someone who used to be our/their friend is no longer their friend. I had the older one write a note to the furry creature and all, making it a fun thing that the kids could do.
Grow up. At least have the courtesy to let me know you're mad. At least then I would have a fighting chance to mend the friendship.
I give up. I'm done. Of course I care about the relationship or it wouldn't bother me this much. The fact is, I'M NOT LIKE EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY. Have they figured that out yet? I do and like different things that are okay. Like email. Email is not the world's evil. It's neutral. My dad actually told me tonight that email is the lowest form of communication. Apparently one other family member doesn't believe in email anymore and the sentiment has spread among my family. It's absurd. I have to have email to perform my job. Without it I would not have a job or could not do it as efficiently.
I'm just done. I'm freaking frustrated. I even called the person to apologize and my call has not been returned. Geesh. How immature. At least I made a gesture.
I'm tired, haven't had dinner, had stupid therapy tonight. Kids were weird and odd on the phone tonight, then I talk to my dad for a long time and that was odd. Apparently I said something to my mom that had her all bent out of shape for weeks.
I give up. I try to have relationships with people. I shouldn't have to change who I am to be friends or family with someone. I mean, I'm a nice person and I care about people. My intentions are always honorable....especially in my communication. This is why I am venting frustration over the phone, internet and family and friends tonight.
I'm done. Goodnight
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Happy to be Alive
This week I'm just happy to be alive. I have a new perspective since last week. It was a good wake up call for me to get things more "together." In myself and my world.
This week I actually was giddy happy. It was nice. I feel like myself again and it's been a very very long time since I felt like this. Physically I'm feeling fairly good and emotionally I'm doing GREAT considering everything that is going on in my life: especially including the divorce. Most likely the divorce will be finalized in the next month or two.
This fall is going to be a time of renewal. I'll be moving to a new place, moving out more on my own. Starting my life as a single person again. A single mom. That still blows my mind but it's my new reality so that is what I have to go through. I've prayed and prayed for something to change before the judge calls it quits but God seems to be leading in a different direction and I am having a hard time jumping on board. I of course want to follow Him with everything that is in me. It is just hard to do when you're taking it one day at a time.
Fist full of bills tonight in the mail. Paycheck was less today because of missing some work last week. No overtime on this check. I'm going to have to consider whether or not I'll even be able to afford cable in my new apartment. Part of me wants to spend evenings without the television for a while. Read books, study the Bible, enrich my life. Take classes. Give my time to others. I've been sitting on this big blue sofa for way too long!!!
Look out world, here I come! God, lead my way, help me to follow the path you are laying out for me. Help me to trust you with my every decision. Help me to be a good mom who teaches her children about You. Be my companion now that I will be without a husband.
There you go.
This week I actually was giddy happy. It was nice. I feel like myself again and it's been a very very long time since I felt like this. Physically I'm feeling fairly good and emotionally I'm doing GREAT considering everything that is going on in my life: especially including the divorce. Most likely the divorce will be finalized in the next month or two.
This fall is going to be a time of renewal. I'll be moving to a new place, moving out more on my own. Starting my life as a single person again. A single mom. That still blows my mind but it's my new reality so that is what I have to go through. I've prayed and prayed for something to change before the judge calls it quits but God seems to be leading in a different direction and I am having a hard time jumping on board. I of course want to follow Him with everything that is in me. It is just hard to do when you're taking it one day at a time.
Fist full of bills tonight in the mail. Paycheck was less today because of missing some work last week. No overtime on this check. I'm going to have to consider whether or not I'll even be able to afford cable in my new apartment. Part of me wants to spend evenings without the television for a while. Read books, study the Bible, enrich my life. Take classes. Give my time to others. I've been sitting on this big blue sofa for way too long!!!
Look out world, here I come! God, lead my way, help me to follow the path you are laying out for me. Help me to trust you with my every decision. Help me to be a good mom who teaches her children about You. Be my companion now that I will be without a husband.
There you go.
Monday, July 26, 2010
My Heart is Singing a little tune
Last night I asked God to help me with what to do about moving this fall. I just asked for wisdom. Then today an associate of mine offered a great housing deal....with just a couple of steps. This thing might happen after all! It's for 2 years which would be good....allow me to gain some cash reserves so that I have more options available in two years.
What an amazing thing to once again to see God work in such a real and amazing way. He truly cares for me. He knows when a sparrow falls, so how much more does He care for me? We were created for His pleasure, to serve and love Him forever.
Body aching and groaning like I'm an old lady. Today I woke up hurting so badly I could barely get out of bed. Alleve didn't help. Advil sort of helped....but still I hurt all day long. Excruciating pain. So if you're a pray-er, start praying for healing.
This is going to be a big month. I plan to focus on the kids, work, what's in front of me and try not to worry about the pending divorce and its proceedings.
I'm headed for a new life. New beginnings. New me. God's done this. He has created a new heart in me. Today I was giddy; just happy to be alive after last week's event.
So blessed to be a mom; to be working at a job that I basically enjoy, to have health insurance and great benefits, to live in a nice place, to have such great kids and to have a relationship with God. Life is hard right now but God is good. He takes care of me each and every day.
So tonight my heart sings a little song. A song of God's goodness and how much He loves us.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Sleep Come Quickly to All Under this Roof
Sometimes I don't know how I deal with all that I manage to do. God has given me super human strength to get through each day with just enough energy to do what I need. Not much extra but enough for the basics. I'm feeling better than I have in years which is so great. Lost 50 lbs. That feels awesome. I have more to lose but it will be a process.
I feel the weight of being a parent weighing heavily upon my head. Not in a bad way, in a somber way. I want so badly to do the right things with my kids, to not mess them up. To teach them values, morals, tell them about God. Read them the Bible. I want to teach them how to be grown ups.
Then there is my job which is highly stressful because it's in claims. Everybody is usually grumpy when it comes to claims...so I deal with unhappy people a lot. Unhappy people whose stuff got broken or went missing or got stolen. I do my best to make things right by people.....
Then there are the 50 things wrong with my health that make my life well, interesting. I have some unique problems that not a lot of people have.
I think that what I'm trying to say is that I feel like a LOT right now. I've got two little people who won't go to sleep!!!!!! grrrrrrr. I'm going to bed soon so they better fall asleep.
Tomorrow I have to cook bacon for breakfast. Fun fun! and other stuff. Saturday is my cooking morning meal while Sunday has become cereal day 'cuz we have to be at church early.
TIRED OF ALL THE STRESS. Must sleep now.
I feel the weight of being a parent weighing heavily upon my head. Not in a bad way, in a somber way. I want so badly to do the right things with my kids, to not mess them up. To teach them values, morals, tell them about God. Read them the Bible. I want to teach them how to be grown ups.
Then there is my job which is highly stressful because it's in claims. Everybody is usually grumpy when it comes to claims...so I deal with unhappy people a lot. Unhappy people whose stuff got broken or went missing or got stolen. I do my best to make things right by people.....
Then there are the 50 things wrong with my health that make my life well, interesting. I have some unique problems that not a lot of people have.
I think that what I'm trying to say is that I feel like a LOT right now. I've got two little people who won't go to sleep!!!!!! grrrrrrr. I'm going to bed soon so they better fall asleep.
Tomorrow I have to cook bacon for breakfast. Fun fun! and other stuff. Saturday is my cooking morning meal while Sunday has become cereal day 'cuz we have to be at church early.
TIRED OF ALL THE STRESS. Must sleep now.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Broken People in a Fallen World
Today I am consciously aware that we live in a fallen world. We are broken people living in a fallen world.
I have some questions that I seriously doubt that I will ever have the answer to while I'm down here on earth. I know that God ordained each and every one of my days as He has yours. That, however, is hard to believe when you're weeks away from a divorce and even though it's been almost two years I am still not ready for this. Every time I think about it I cry and cry and cry. I guess that I'm "trying to make the most of a bad situation." But at the same time I am right where God wants me to be. He has always taken care of me, He has been my best friend when mine resigned, He has been my husband when he resigned, He has been my comforter ever since I met Him.
Unless you're plagued by complex questions about life and about God then perhaps you should check your pulse to be sure you're alive. The more I know about God the more questions I have, He's enticed me to want to know Him more deeply. I have deep questions. I know that I might not ever know "why" while I'm here on earth. No matter how much I'd like to know "why" I am going through what I am going through I might not ever have the answer to that question.
Tonight my heart hurts. I miss my family. I mourn the good times we had. I do not miss the bad times we had. I do not miss being hurt. I do not miss my heart being broken, over and over, for years. I do not miss the person who did these mean things to me. I miss the person I once loved. Where did he go?
Part of me feels relief that the nightmare is almost over. Part of me feels bad for feeling that way but truth be told, part of me needs to be free of the person who hurt me so badly and for so long. He doesn't even acknowledge that he was part of the problem. That still kills me.
There are no answers, only heartache in the middle of this. I have glimpses of joy....and know that it is beyond this hurt. Even if it's not in this life, at least when we get to Heaven we will be perfect. Healthy, perfect people. I long for Heaven but know that I still have much left to do in this world. Several years ago I no longer wanted to live...I felt like that for about 2-3 years off and on. Talk about "hell" on earth. That kind of depression changes a person. It also took its toll on my marriage but it is not my fault. My vows were until death do us part. I stood before God and promised that to Him and to my husband. Now the court is parting us. It still doesn't compute. It probably won't ever.
I have dreams....I want to put this behind me.....keep a job.....learn some new skills.....maybe buy a house in a couple of years. I'm going to have my very own rose garden and I can't wait. We're going to have irises, daffodils, tulips, peonies, roses, lily of the valley and all of my favorite plants. I want a basement and I want to turn it into THE place the kids want to go to hang out. I want to be THAT mom. I want my little pink rose bushes...and my white ones....God I give this dream to you but I believe you put it there. If it is part of my plan then help me to get there someday.
God I give my life back to you again tonight. Use me Lord. Help me to love those around me, even through my pain. God, grant me the ability to forgive. Grant me wisdom. I long for more wisdom. I realize that sometimes wisdom comes with a price but Lord I want some more.
God I give my family to you. This has effected them so much as they've travelled this road with me. Heal their hearts too. God, watch over the kiddos. Work in their hearts. Help me to help them through this change in their lives. Give me wisdom.
I have some questions that I seriously doubt that I will ever have the answer to while I'm down here on earth. I know that God ordained each and every one of my days as He has yours. That, however, is hard to believe when you're weeks away from a divorce and even though it's been almost two years I am still not ready for this. Every time I think about it I cry and cry and cry. I guess that I'm "trying to make the most of a bad situation." But at the same time I am right where God wants me to be. He has always taken care of me, He has been my best friend when mine resigned, He has been my husband when he resigned, He has been my comforter ever since I met Him.
Unless you're plagued by complex questions about life and about God then perhaps you should check your pulse to be sure you're alive. The more I know about God the more questions I have, He's enticed me to want to know Him more deeply. I have deep questions. I know that I might not ever know "why" while I'm here on earth. No matter how much I'd like to know "why" I am going through what I am going through I might not ever have the answer to that question.
Tonight my heart hurts. I miss my family. I mourn the good times we had. I do not miss the bad times we had. I do not miss being hurt. I do not miss my heart being broken, over and over, for years. I do not miss the person who did these mean things to me. I miss the person I once loved. Where did he go?
Part of me feels relief that the nightmare is almost over. Part of me feels bad for feeling that way but truth be told, part of me needs to be free of the person who hurt me so badly and for so long. He doesn't even acknowledge that he was part of the problem. That still kills me.
There are no answers, only heartache in the middle of this. I have glimpses of joy....and know that it is beyond this hurt. Even if it's not in this life, at least when we get to Heaven we will be perfect. Healthy, perfect people. I long for Heaven but know that I still have much left to do in this world. Several years ago I no longer wanted to live...I felt like that for about 2-3 years off and on. Talk about "hell" on earth. That kind of depression changes a person. It also took its toll on my marriage but it is not my fault. My vows were until death do us part. I stood before God and promised that to Him and to my husband. Now the court is parting us. It still doesn't compute. It probably won't ever.
I have dreams....I want to put this behind me.....keep a job.....learn some new skills.....maybe buy a house in a couple of years. I'm going to have my very own rose garden and I can't wait. We're going to have irises, daffodils, tulips, peonies, roses, lily of the valley and all of my favorite plants. I want a basement and I want to turn it into THE place the kids want to go to hang out. I want to be THAT mom. I want my little pink rose bushes...and my white ones....God I give this dream to you but I believe you put it there. If it is part of my plan then help me to get there someday.
God I give my life back to you again tonight. Use me Lord. Help me to love those around me, even through my pain. God, grant me the ability to forgive. Grant me wisdom. I long for more wisdom. I realize that sometimes wisdom comes with a price but Lord I want some more.
God I give my family to you. This has effected them so much as they've travelled this road with me. Heal their hearts too. God, watch over the kiddos. Work in their hearts. Help me to help them through this change in their lives. Give me wisdom.
Wild Ride
Ummmm I was sitting there, doing my thing at work then my cheek went numb. I immediately googled "stroke" symptoms. Then I called my doctor. Then my arm and leg went to sleep. I called my dad to race me to the ER.
In I flew through the door, the lady at the desk, started to ask me and I said "I'm having symptoms of a stroke" and she wrote one word and rushed me to the ER room and all the sudden there was like 15 people working on me. Then they ran me down the hall (pushing my bed) to the ct scanner where they did the world's fastest CT scan of my head. Then an Xray. Then it was neurological tests....can I swallow this test. Wild stuff.
They admitted me to the hospital and put me on the cardiac unit all hooked up to monitors. It was weird. Of course those hospital gowns are so hot. ha So I'm there with my black dress slacks from work on and a hospital gown on the top. My dad had to go to a super important meeting that he could not miss. It was just me.
Then they took me for an echo cardiogram of my heart and an MRI. Found out later everything was clean. I had not had a stroke.
What it ended up being was my B12 was super low. I hadn't been taking my supplements for it (I knew that I am already b12 deficient) for like a month so I must have run out of B12. They gave me a B12 shot then and an hour later my symptoms were GONE.
They kept me overnight and woke me up hourly to take blood, do glucose level tests (I told them I'm not diabetic they said it's protocol in stroke cases). So every hour someone would come in turn th elights on and do something to me. It sucked. Finally morning dawned and the morninig nurse was cool. She left me alone for almost an hour just to sleep.
Doctor came around noon or 1 and released me. My brother and I went to pick up my car and home I went. Straight to bed where I napped from 3-7. Woke up, called the children, then went back to sleep. Went to work. I think this freaked them all out a bit. HR made me get a doctor's release to work. My boss talked to me....it was weird. I hope that all my dramas don't cost me a job but God's in control of that.
Today was long. I was weary but was able to do a good job at work....I need to do good...cannot afford to lose job.
Tonight I had the children and we had fun together. I get them all weekend and I can't wait. My apartment will once again become a home when they are here.
I am thankful tonight to be alive, to serve a God who is amazingly complicated but captivating. I do not understand His plans for my life but I will obey. "He who began a good work in me will complete it." or something like that.
My heart is sad tonight as I learned of a good friend's heartaches. All I can do is pray and listen. I will definitely pray for him and his whole family. God you know what plans you have for them, please work in everyone's hearts to bring about your will whatever that might be. I pray that you would put a hedge around their children to protect their hearts. God I lift up this couple to you and pray that you will work in both of their hearts and bring them back to each other. Jesus comfort my friend and provide peace in the middle of the madness.
In I flew through the door, the lady at the desk, started to ask me and I said "I'm having symptoms of a stroke" and she wrote one word and rushed me to the ER room and all the sudden there was like 15 people working on me. Then they ran me down the hall (pushing my bed) to the ct scanner where they did the world's fastest CT scan of my head. Then an Xray. Then it was neurological tests....can I swallow this test. Wild stuff.
They admitted me to the hospital and put me on the cardiac unit all hooked up to monitors. It was weird. Of course those hospital gowns are so hot. ha So I'm there with my black dress slacks from work on and a hospital gown on the top. My dad had to go to a super important meeting that he could not miss. It was just me.
Then they took me for an echo cardiogram of my heart and an MRI. Found out later everything was clean. I had not had a stroke.
What it ended up being was my B12 was super low. I hadn't been taking my supplements for it (I knew that I am already b12 deficient) for like a month so I must have run out of B12. They gave me a B12 shot then and an hour later my symptoms were GONE.
They kept me overnight and woke me up hourly to take blood, do glucose level tests (I told them I'm not diabetic they said it's protocol in stroke cases). So every hour someone would come in turn th elights on and do something to me. It sucked. Finally morning dawned and the morninig nurse was cool. She left me alone for almost an hour just to sleep.
Doctor came around noon or 1 and released me. My brother and I went to pick up my car and home I went. Straight to bed where I napped from 3-7. Woke up, called the children, then went back to sleep. Went to work. I think this freaked them all out a bit. HR made me get a doctor's release to work. My boss talked to me....it was weird. I hope that all my dramas don't cost me a job but God's in control of that.
Today was long. I was weary but was able to do a good job at work....I need to do good...cannot afford to lose job.
Tonight I had the children and we had fun together. I get them all weekend and I can't wait. My apartment will once again become a home when they are here.
I am thankful tonight to be alive, to serve a God who is amazingly complicated but captivating. I do not understand His plans for my life but I will obey. "He who began a good work in me will complete it." or something like that.
My heart is sad tonight as I learned of a good friend's heartaches. All I can do is pray and listen. I will definitely pray for him and his whole family. God you know what plans you have for them, please work in everyone's hearts to bring about your will whatever that might be. I pray that you would put a hedge around their children to protect their hearts. God I lift up this couple to you and pray that you will work in both of their hearts and bring them back to each other. Jesus comfort my friend and provide peace in the middle of the madness.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Still kickin
What an ordeal the last couple of days has been. It's crazy. I'm just happy to be here, alive and kickin.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Tears are for the Night but Joy comes in the Morning
Tears. Exhaustion. Unrest. These are the feelings I'm experiencing as with each day I inch toward this divorce. There is a very good chance the divorce will happen in September. The hope and dream of my life will be over. I don't think that I'm going to handle this well.
Tonight there are tears. Tomorrow there might be joy. Joy comes in the morning.
I'm just broken. I'm just a broken woman that God is putting back together. He's rebuilding me into something new. A new creation. Unfortunately this process involves much hurt and much sadness. I know that He has a perfect plan for me and even though I don't understand it I love Him enough to trust in the person of God. I trust in His character. I trust the Omnipotent, Omniscient God of the universe that He has plans for me. Plans for good and not for evil. Jeremiah says that.
I'm not going to let myself experience these tears tonight. I have cried more tears than I ever thought one human being could cry. I have felt sorry for myself, I have felt the whole gamut of emotions. I've mostly felt relieved. I feel like I've been set free. Rescued by God in a weird weird way.
I feel this void in my heart that was left there by my husband. I'm not sure that I will ever "get over it". I might and have gotten over him but I spent 1/3 of my life with him. That's a long time. We had beautiful children together.
Tonight it's raw emotions. I hope tomorrow is better. I've been beaten down and God has picked me up. He is the shelter over me. His banner over me is love.
Tonight there are tears. Tomorrow there might be joy. Joy comes in the morning.
I'm just broken. I'm just a broken woman that God is putting back together. He's rebuilding me into something new. A new creation. Unfortunately this process involves much hurt and much sadness. I know that He has a perfect plan for me and even though I don't understand it I love Him enough to trust in the person of God. I trust in His character. I trust the Omnipotent, Omniscient God of the universe that He has plans for me. Plans for good and not for evil. Jeremiah says that.
I'm not going to let myself experience these tears tonight. I have cried more tears than I ever thought one human being could cry. I have felt sorry for myself, I have felt the whole gamut of emotions. I've mostly felt relieved. I feel like I've been set free. Rescued by God in a weird weird way.
I feel this void in my heart that was left there by my husband. I'm not sure that I will ever "get over it". I might and have gotten over him but I spent 1/3 of my life with him. That's a long time. We had beautiful children together.
Tonight it's raw emotions. I hope tomorrow is better. I've been beaten down and God has picked me up. He is the shelter over me. His banner over me is love.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
World's Longest Weekend, Double Naps and more
This seemed to be the world's longest weekend. Yesterday I saw two movies which was a total blast. It was nice to have some time to "escape" in a relatively healthy way. At least it's way healthier than when I was in college and used to drink it away. Oh but that was many years ago.
Today seemed to drag on. I went to church which was great. I still feel like a fish out of water there sometimes unless I'm up working with the kids then I feel at home.
After church I came home and took a nap, woke up for a while then took, yes, A SECOND NAP. I do not know what came over me. I don't know if I've ever done two naps in one day. I know that the stresses of these past few weeks especially are piling up. I hope that I don't crumble in a big pile from them when this is all over. In a way a divorce is like a death but without the finality. I mean, there is the finality of not being married anymore but you still have to see this person; they are forever connected to you through your children.
I go to church and see these nice couples who love God and think: why wasn't that me? No one wanted that more than I did. I prayed for it as a kid and as I grew into a young woman as well. I guess this is the Sunday night it's not fair coming out. I struggle with this every weekend that I'm alone.
Sunday nights are when I'm lonely. Yes, I'll admit it. I'm pathetically lonely. I miss the companionship of my husband, when we were happy together. I miss that very much. Missing it won't bring it back and probably shouldn't.
I haven't talked to the kids all weekend and now they're gone for a couple of more days. It's torture and I hate it. I want my children here with me, where they belong. You see, those little people I care more about than myself, and more than anything or anyone else in this world. There is nothing that I would not do, no mountain too high to climb, no valley too low to go through, for THEM. The strength that I'm gaining and have gained going through this divorce has just made me a better mommy for THEM.
There is still so much undone in this situation. It could be many more years before I'm truly settled. The divorce could happen in the next couple of months. Apparently one day the judge will just issue a decree and we'll cease to be married. I'll find out about it from my attorney in an email or a phone call. God how horrible is that? There are no words to describe the depth of my sorrow.
So enough of the woe is me. I have much to be thankful for. A good job, nice people to work with, a place to live, nice furry friends, wonderful family, a few really good friends and of course, God. My relationship with God has been my lifeblood.
Thankfully tomorrow is another day. With new mercies in it. Isn't that a wonderful thought? God renews us each night while we sleep and then gives us a fresh new day, a clean slate each and every day. Then grants us forgiveness when we screw up.
Is it tomorrow yet? :-)
Today seemed to drag on. I went to church which was great. I still feel like a fish out of water there sometimes unless I'm up working with the kids then I feel at home.
After church I came home and took a nap, woke up for a while then took, yes, A SECOND NAP. I do not know what came over me. I don't know if I've ever done two naps in one day. I know that the stresses of these past few weeks especially are piling up. I hope that I don't crumble in a big pile from them when this is all over. In a way a divorce is like a death but without the finality. I mean, there is the finality of not being married anymore but you still have to see this person; they are forever connected to you through your children.
I go to church and see these nice couples who love God and think: why wasn't that me? No one wanted that more than I did. I prayed for it as a kid and as I grew into a young woman as well. I guess this is the Sunday night it's not fair coming out. I struggle with this every weekend that I'm alone.
Sunday nights are when I'm lonely. Yes, I'll admit it. I'm pathetically lonely. I miss the companionship of my husband, when we were happy together. I miss that very much. Missing it won't bring it back and probably shouldn't.
I haven't talked to the kids all weekend and now they're gone for a couple of more days. It's torture and I hate it. I want my children here with me, where they belong. You see, those little people I care more about than myself, and more than anything or anyone else in this world. There is nothing that I would not do, no mountain too high to climb, no valley too low to go through, for THEM. The strength that I'm gaining and have gained going through this divorce has just made me a better mommy for THEM.
There is still so much undone in this situation. It could be many more years before I'm truly settled. The divorce could happen in the next couple of months. Apparently one day the judge will just issue a decree and we'll cease to be married. I'll find out about it from my attorney in an email or a phone call. God how horrible is that? There are no words to describe the depth of my sorrow.
So enough of the woe is me. I have much to be thankful for. A good job, nice people to work with, a place to live, nice furry friends, wonderful family, a few really good friends and of course, God. My relationship with God has been my lifeblood.
Thankfully tomorrow is another day. With new mercies in it. Isn't that a wonderful thought? God renews us each night while we sleep and then gives us a fresh new day, a clean slate each and every day. Then grants us forgiveness when we screw up.
Is it tomorrow yet? :-)
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Heart's Desire, Lots of Tears and my Place in God's heart
After my matinee movie, I am walking to the car thinking about what I really want. I mean, at my core, deep. What it is that I want. It is hard to admit but I want my husband and family back. I just want him different.
Why is it that I want what I can't have? God originally put this love I have for X in my heart. I stood before God and my friends and family and promised to love, honor cherish and never leave X. Now, years later he's sick of me, I've been devastated by the way I was treated but there is still a part of me that loves him. It probably always will. We will grow old. We both might re-marry. But there is still one special part of my heart that he will always have.
But for all the praying, God has not lead X back to me. He has not granted my hope to reunite with my husband, for us to heal, for God to change his heart. Instead God has something much different planned for me. It's exciting on one hand and on the other it is frightfully scary. I'm in uncharted waters, in a boat being thrust about by the gentle and sometimes stronger winds of the change from God. I feel rather adrift in a sea. My future is uncertain; I worry constantly if I will be able to provide for myself. For years X told me that I wasn't this or that (jobs that I had done before), and if you hear something enough you begin to believe it, even if it isn't true. When the person you trust most in the entire world is telling you something you believe it.
I completely and totally trusted this man who used me and then when things weren't working out quite the way he had planned, he filed a nasty little piece of paper that eventually caused me to leave our home, and the kids. To this day I do not know if I will ever recover from those feelings. They are as raw today as they were yesterday. I suppose that's the nature of pain. Little things remind me of the life I once had. What I need to wake up and realize are the facts.
The facts are this: I was living with someone who was not capable of unconditionally loving me as his spouse. When areas of my health faltered, so did his love for me. He took my poor health and used it against me and still tries to to this day. Now that I'm away from him, the truth is that I am doing great most of the time. There are times, usually on the weekends, like now that I get a little sentimental and my heart starts hurting again.
The facts are that I do not need to worry if I will be able to provide because God owns the cattle on a thousand hills and He will care for me. He has cared for me along the journey and does even now. I feel like I have one foot in heaven and one foot on earth. My soul longs for heaven, to be in a place where there is no sorrow, only joy and praising our Savior.
"Be still and know that He is God."
God caring for my heart tonight through His music.
I feel like I'm bursting at the seams I have so much to say but doubt anyone even reads this. Someday I will go public and just declare it's mine but for right now it's my anonymous place to talk, contemplate and consider. Even now I'm still afraid of him and how he could someday use something I say on here against me in court. He wouldn't pick the parts where I talk about how passionately I love my children or how great I'm feeling or how I feel like God's made me into a new person. Nope, he would pick and choose the thoughts of mine showing doubt, showing weakness and he would use it against me. So you can understand why I don't want to go public with my identity.
I think that I should just go to bed now and let the day be over. Curl up in the covers and read God's word. Read what my Heavenly Father says to me.
"I've been here, silent all these years." - Tori Amos
"God's greatest treasure is the treasure of you." - Steven Curtis Chapman. The words of this particular song paint the specialness of me, God's creation. If God loves me anything like how I feel about my own children then I am treasured beyond belief.
Why is it that I want what I can't have? God originally put this love I have for X in my heart. I stood before God and my friends and family and promised to love, honor cherish and never leave X. Now, years later he's sick of me, I've been devastated by the way I was treated but there is still a part of me that loves him. It probably always will. We will grow old. We both might re-marry. But there is still one special part of my heart that he will always have.
But for all the praying, God has not lead X back to me. He has not granted my hope to reunite with my husband, for us to heal, for God to change his heart. Instead God has something much different planned for me. It's exciting on one hand and on the other it is frightfully scary. I'm in uncharted waters, in a boat being thrust about by the gentle and sometimes stronger winds of the change from God. I feel rather adrift in a sea. My future is uncertain; I worry constantly if I will be able to provide for myself. For years X told me that I wasn't this or that (jobs that I had done before), and if you hear something enough you begin to believe it, even if it isn't true. When the person you trust most in the entire world is telling you something you believe it.
I completely and totally trusted this man who used me and then when things weren't working out quite the way he had planned, he filed a nasty little piece of paper that eventually caused me to leave our home, and the kids. To this day I do not know if I will ever recover from those feelings. They are as raw today as they were yesterday. I suppose that's the nature of pain. Little things remind me of the life I once had. What I need to wake up and realize are the facts.
The facts are this: I was living with someone who was not capable of unconditionally loving me as his spouse. When areas of my health faltered, so did his love for me. He took my poor health and used it against me and still tries to to this day. Now that I'm away from him, the truth is that I am doing great most of the time. There are times, usually on the weekends, like now that I get a little sentimental and my heart starts hurting again.
The facts are that I do not need to worry if I will be able to provide because God owns the cattle on a thousand hills and He will care for me. He has cared for me along the journey and does even now. I feel like I have one foot in heaven and one foot on earth. My soul longs for heaven, to be in a place where there is no sorrow, only joy and praising our Savior.
"Be still and know that He is God."
God caring for my heart tonight through His music.
I feel like I'm bursting at the seams I have so much to say but doubt anyone even reads this. Someday I will go public and just declare it's mine but for right now it's my anonymous place to talk, contemplate and consider. Even now I'm still afraid of him and how he could someday use something I say on here against me in court. He wouldn't pick the parts where I talk about how passionately I love my children or how great I'm feeling or how I feel like God's made me into a new person. Nope, he would pick and choose the thoughts of mine showing doubt, showing weakness and he would use it against me. So you can understand why I don't want to go public with my identity.
I think that I should just go to bed now and let the day be over. Curl up in the covers and read God's word. Read what my Heavenly Father says to me.
"I've been here, silent all these years." - Tori Amos
"God's greatest treasure is the treasure of you." - Steven Curtis Chapman. The words of this particular song paint the specialness of me, God's creation. If God loves me anything like how I feel about my own children then I am treasured beyond belief.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Yesterday
Today I got frustrated with people. What was frustrating is that my mind was just "busy" today....
Started out a GREAT day. Children here, early rising, tooth brushing, washing the faces, hair, etc. The JOY of being a mom and how much fun it was to wake up early this morning and take them where they needed to go.
Body aching again. Alleve not even working.....Advil on top of Alleve didn't help much. Reminds me to go take something or I won't sleep; I'll lay there just aching and aching. Something is not right.
Started out a GREAT day. Children here, early rising, tooth brushing, washing the faces, hair, etc. The JOY of being a mom and how much fun it was to wake up early this morning and take them where they needed to go.
Body aching again. Alleve not even working.....Advil on top of Alleve didn't help much. Reminds me to go take something or I won't sleep; I'll lay there just aching and aching. Something is not right.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Rain Rain Go Away....Come Again Some Other Day
Rain, rain, go away. Come again some other day! (singing) It was one rainy day today. We went in search of a park but had to leave one because of thunder and then drove way out by my parents and had to leave that just in the nick of time before a blustering storm moved in on us. We had to pull off the road. I think that I've only done that one other time in my life and I was a kid. It was THAT bad.
Fruitful weekend. Started out rough but then had good time with the little ones. Honestly the rain probably helped contain us so that I could get some things done today. I cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the whole house, did three loads of laundry, one bath and one shower, painted things, and cooked things too.
My feet are hurting me horribly. They hurt so bad that I can barely stand on them. I do not know what to do. I might have to go visit a podiatrist. I've never believed that I would have to do that. My fear is that he will just say "lose weight." I'm like, yeah, I know. Working on that. Been a little busy with life.
The Alleve barely helped my aching body at all tonight. I'm about to just call it a night. Tomorrow is an early, very important morning.
night all
Fruitful weekend. Started out rough but then had good time with the little ones. Honestly the rain probably helped contain us so that I could get some things done today. I cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the whole house, did three loads of laundry, one bath and one shower, painted things, and cooked things too.
My feet are hurting me horribly. They hurt so bad that I can barely stand on them. I do not know what to do. I might have to go visit a podiatrist. I've never believed that I would have to do that. My fear is that he will just say "lose weight." I'm like, yeah, I know. Working on that. Been a little busy with life.
The Alleve barely helped my aching body at all tonight. I'm about to just call it a night. Tomorrow is an early, very important morning.
night all
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Big Day, Big Week, Big Month and Big couple of years
I am weary from the struggles I've been going through for the last couple of years. My heart is still broken although I'm stronger than ever. God has rebuilt me into this amazing mosaic of experiences, knowledge and wisdom.
Most happy when I'm with the children. I call them children to keep this sorta private although I know it's not. My heart is at peace and relaxes only when they are with me or for the most part when they are with me.
We are all weary. I feel like I've been through the biggest spiritual attack of my life and it's still ongoing. Satan managed to tear apart my family. He nearly derailed me several years ago when I was seriously struggling with depression. Back before I realized what GOD thinks about me and that is the only person that I care about. God says that I am wonderfully and beautifully made. I am NOT who I was told that I was for so many years. God has a plan for my life that is unfolding day by day. I wish that I knew more of His plan but right now He just takes me day by day, providing what I need for that day. It's really quite amazing to experience. I remember my mom telling me at the beginning that it would be like God would be my husband now and I thought she was nuts at the time. Now I think that I'm beginning to understand what she meant a little better.
God has become my constant companion, the one from whom I draw my strength, the one who provides me with wisdom and the one who imparts courage to me. He has filled the void that was left in me when my husband chose not to be married to me anymore. He's bridged the gap. Yeah that sounds like a cliche and it is but it really illustrates the reality that I'm trying to explain.
I'm sure if you're like me you're heard people say "God will meet you where you are." What I believe is that God was already right there with you the whole time, waiting. So in a way, God has met me where I am - here is right here with me, sitting on my fluffy blue couch as I type my messages to who knows how many people. I rather like not knowing because it allows me to write as if I were writing to a dear friend.
God is good. Do I understand all about His goodness? No I do not. Someday it will be perfected when we sit at his throne and sing Holy Holy Holy is the lamb. Can you hear it? I can't wait until that day. I pray that I live a very long life. I want to see my children grow, I'd love to be a grandmother someday. I have hopes and dreams for my future that I truly believe God put in me. I just want to shout to the world, God is good. Even in the middle of the hurt, illness, sickness, pain. He is right there with you. Let Him be a part of your life. Let Him use you. I know that is my prayer tonight. Lord, let me be used of you to serve you in whatever way you have planned. Please show me what you'd like me to do next.
Most happy when I'm with the children. I call them children to keep this sorta private although I know it's not. My heart is at peace and relaxes only when they are with me or for the most part when they are with me.
We are all weary. I feel like I've been through the biggest spiritual attack of my life and it's still ongoing. Satan managed to tear apart my family. He nearly derailed me several years ago when I was seriously struggling with depression. Back before I realized what GOD thinks about me and that is the only person that I care about. God says that I am wonderfully and beautifully made. I am NOT who I was told that I was for so many years. God has a plan for my life that is unfolding day by day. I wish that I knew more of His plan but right now He just takes me day by day, providing what I need for that day. It's really quite amazing to experience. I remember my mom telling me at the beginning that it would be like God would be my husband now and I thought she was nuts at the time. Now I think that I'm beginning to understand what she meant a little better.
God has become my constant companion, the one from whom I draw my strength, the one who provides me with wisdom and the one who imparts courage to me. He has filled the void that was left in me when my husband chose not to be married to me anymore. He's bridged the gap. Yeah that sounds like a cliche and it is but it really illustrates the reality that I'm trying to explain.
I'm sure if you're like me you're heard people say "God will meet you where you are." What I believe is that God was already right there with you the whole time, waiting. So in a way, God has met me where I am - here is right here with me, sitting on my fluffy blue couch as I type my messages to who knows how many people. I rather like not knowing because it allows me to write as if I were writing to a dear friend.
God is good. Do I understand all about His goodness? No I do not. Someday it will be perfected when we sit at his throne and sing Holy Holy Holy is the lamb. Can you hear it? I can't wait until that day. I pray that I live a very long life. I want to see my children grow, I'd love to be a grandmother someday. I have hopes and dreams for my future that I truly believe God put in me. I just want to shout to the world, God is good. Even in the middle of the hurt, illness, sickness, pain. He is right there with you. Let Him be a part of your life. Let Him use you. I know that is my prayer tonight. Lord, let me be used of you to serve you in whatever way you have planned. Please show me what you'd like me to do next.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Big Week but Glad It's Over
I had a super big week this week, emotionally. Court again. I was stressed out one minute then had God's peace the next, then back then forth. It was wild.
All week I knew that whatever the outcome it was going to be what God wanted for me. (I'm not referring to His wanting divorce as we know that's not true). I just mean that He led the way and paved the way for a really great outcome for me.
I still feel like a complete failure sometimes. I fight my internal thoughts. Most are not very flattering. For years the words someone spoke to me became internalized and then they became like a poison that ate away at my very being. At the core part of me. Then one day I realized that God had already forgiven me for my wrongs and sins and "as far as the east is from the West, so far He has removed my transgressions from me." That just rules. There is no other way to put it. I'm free because I'm forgiven. When my head starts telling me untruths I remember that verse.
I feel like God had to completely take me apart to put me back together again, whole. I've been through the darkest days anyone would ever imagine and LIVED TO TELL OTHERS ABOUT IT! I have been through the valley where there isn't much light but then God helped me climb up the mountain, slowly.
All the things I have to say seem so trite, so much like every Christian cliche that I've ever heard. I do not want to be a Christian cliche nor talk or walk like one. I am a unique individual that God has blessed with unique gifts and some very unique challenges that I struggle with every day of my life.
You see, I have bipolar disorder. There, you have it. It's out there. I've nothing to hide. I've had it for years, probably since high school. Most of what I struggle with is the unyielding depression that goes with it for me. Even when I'm medicated and stable, each and every day is a challenge and I have to rely very really on God to give me the strength that I need for the task in front of me.
I'm just an ordinary girl who is beginning phase two of her life. Now I'm a mom, a worker at work and at church. A friend. A broken person living out her life as honestly as she knows how, with God's help and with His strength. Each day that I complete is an accomplishment that is from God. God provides just what I need but with an abundance of grace and mercy.
My life will never be the same as it once was and that makes me sad on one level. I had hopes and dreams for our family, for my marriage, for life. Now I have a new normal. Normal now means punching a clock, taking short lunches, coming in early, staying late, doing whatever it takes to make it. New normal means getting involved in a great church, starting to serve the children of that church and having my socks blessed off me! I think that I go to minister to the kids but it's been the other way around.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is good. I do not understand Him all the time but I do KNOW, an inward, soul-searching for sure kind of KNOW that He is good. God is love, I am one of his favorite creations.
That's my big week. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for not posting any identifying information here. Read and enjoy. Someday I'm writing a book......SOMEDAY. I've had 5 people tell me that I should. hmmmm maybe God's trying to tell me something? Have to pray about that.
Thank you, God, for helping me this week. Thank you for providing for my future and for giving me your love and your strength. Help me to be a better mom tomorrow than today. Help me not to mess up in that regard for nothing I desire compares with the love I have for my children. NOTHING compares to my love for them. They are the light of my life, my earthly purpose for being on this earth. It is my honor to be their mom.
night all
All week I knew that whatever the outcome it was going to be what God wanted for me. (I'm not referring to His wanting divorce as we know that's not true). I just mean that He led the way and paved the way for a really great outcome for me.
I still feel like a complete failure sometimes. I fight my internal thoughts. Most are not very flattering. For years the words someone spoke to me became internalized and then they became like a poison that ate away at my very being. At the core part of me. Then one day I realized that God had already forgiven me for my wrongs and sins and "as far as the east is from the West, so far He has removed my transgressions from me." That just rules. There is no other way to put it. I'm free because I'm forgiven. When my head starts telling me untruths I remember that verse.
I feel like God had to completely take me apart to put me back together again, whole. I've been through the darkest days anyone would ever imagine and LIVED TO TELL OTHERS ABOUT IT! I have been through the valley where there isn't much light but then God helped me climb up the mountain, slowly.
All the things I have to say seem so trite, so much like every Christian cliche that I've ever heard. I do not want to be a Christian cliche nor talk or walk like one. I am a unique individual that God has blessed with unique gifts and some very unique challenges that I struggle with every day of my life.
You see, I have bipolar disorder. There, you have it. It's out there. I've nothing to hide. I've had it for years, probably since high school. Most of what I struggle with is the unyielding depression that goes with it for me. Even when I'm medicated and stable, each and every day is a challenge and I have to rely very really on God to give me the strength that I need for the task in front of me.
I'm just an ordinary girl who is beginning phase two of her life. Now I'm a mom, a worker at work and at church. A friend. A broken person living out her life as honestly as she knows how, with God's help and with His strength. Each day that I complete is an accomplishment that is from God. God provides just what I need but with an abundance of grace and mercy.
My life will never be the same as it once was and that makes me sad on one level. I had hopes and dreams for our family, for my marriage, for life. Now I have a new normal. Normal now means punching a clock, taking short lunches, coming in early, staying late, doing whatever it takes to make it. New normal means getting involved in a great church, starting to serve the children of that church and having my socks blessed off me! I think that I go to minister to the kids but it's been the other way around.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is good. I do not understand Him all the time but I do KNOW, an inward, soul-searching for sure kind of KNOW that He is good. God is love, I am one of his favorite creations.
That's my big week. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for not posting any identifying information here. Read and enjoy. Someday I'm writing a book......SOMEDAY. I've had 5 people tell me that I should. hmmmm maybe God's trying to tell me something? Have to pray about that.
Thank you, God, for helping me this week. Thank you for providing for my future and for giving me your love and your strength. Help me to be a better mom tomorrow than today. Help me not to mess up in that regard for nothing I desire compares with the love I have for my children. NOTHING compares to my love for them. They are the light of my life, my earthly purpose for being on this earth. It is my honor to be their mom.
night all
Monday, July 5, 2010
Good but long weekend
I'm taking a vacation form my problems like Bob on What about Bob? the movie. I've had a pretty good weekend. The problems tried to creep up again....but I won't let them.
I've had a peaceful weekend. I took a 3.5 hour nap today and feel like a million bucks. Doc took me off of another of my meds and I'm feeling good.
Church was good. It was good to be with the little kids and also really good to sit in the adult service for a change.
Tonight I'm just relaxing. Wishing that the children were here. Missing them badly. A 5 minute phone call after days just didn't cut it for me.
Tomorrow is work; it's become work. The new of the new position has finally worn off. Took 6 months but now they all look the same.
I've had a peaceful weekend. I took a 3.5 hour nap today and feel like a million bucks. Doc took me off of another of my meds and I'm feeling good.
Church was good. It was good to be with the little kids and also really good to sit in the adult service for a change.
Tonight I'm just relaxing. Wishing that the children were here. Missing them badly. A 5 minute phone call after days just didn't cut it for me.
Tomorrow is work; it's become work. The new of the new position has finally worn off. Took 6 months but now they all look the same.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Just Want
I just want to be more like Jesus. Everybody's got a dream. That's mine. I want to love other people to Christ. I want my love for other people to make them wonder what I'm all about.
Had a great time with my children tonight. It's short but it was good. I sent something with them that they will have...and remember me by when they are away from me.
So much to say, just can't get it out at the moment. My heart is sad yet excited about this new turn in my life. God's got a great plan for me and for my life if I just let Him use me. Day in and day out.
Had a great time with my children tonight. It's short but it was good. I sent something with them that they will have...and remember me by when they are away from me.
So much to say, just can't get it out at the moment. My heart is sad yet excited about this new turn in my life. God's got a great plan for me and for my life if I just let Him use me. Day in and day out.
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