You know lately I've discovered that the woe is me's have come back. Today as I talked to a friend it was depressing even me. I've been in a funky state for about a month. Now is time to snap out of it.
This weekend I felt human again. I know, that sounds weird but when you've been holed up in this apartment for two years....it is nice to re-join the human race. Had a fun time going to a movie last night. I haven't been to a movie with anyone other than kids for two years. I felt like a grown up again.! yes, you can all stop laughing at me now. It is true.
Tomorrow is church and then NOTHING. I need to get some boxes and just start packing this stuff up. I am excited about move, even if it is into a tiny little apartment. I plan to make it my home. I might even buy curtains for this next place. Hold onto your hats, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, homey things are now going to enter my apartment. I just signed a year lease but most likely I will be there about 2 or more years until I hope to put a downpayment down on a home. (my dream).
Who knows? A lot can change in two years. So much has changed in the last two years....some good and some bad but my God works all things together for good for them who love Him. Even these horrible days of divorce pain I can use to glorify him through it. That's the bottom line. I want to live a life that glorifies God. Each and every day. I do not do that perfectly, so not even close.
Today when I was asked about my plans for my future I think that I said some of what I want but was afraid to say what I really want. I'm afraid to be vulnerable even if it is just to a friend. My sense of trust was broken in two when my spouse filed for divorce. At that point I began to mistrust anybody. I did not know who was really on my side and who wasn't.
Truth be told, I'd like to get married again. And I don't want to wait a million years to do it. I want to share my life with someone who holds the same faith as me, who loves me passionately as I do him. I want it to be equal. I am willing to follow as any good wife should and willing to submit out of faith, not because some evil person requires it of me. I want to follow someone, I need someone who will lead me. I'm a very strong person and personality and I'm not for everyone. I probably talk too much and am taken the wrong way a LOT. My heart is good, my intentions are good but execution sometimes is lacking.
So lots of things to pray for. Mainly that I make it through the month of October and live to see another day! ha
Night all
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Can I have another chance at love
Good hectic morning at work then we had power outages this afternoon which they let us go home. I just hope they pay for it. Better.
Had a fun afternoon; surprised a friend where he works, got to meet/re-meet his family. Very nice people.
Then it was racing home to get milk and eggs on the way home..then picking up kids and making dinner despite yelling and just unruly behavior. After dinner I decided to make brownie/cookie things that we picked out at the store the other day. They smell good. Started them so late the kids can't have them until tomorrow in their lunches....which is a good thing.
I am hanging out, surfing the net on my OWN internet connection and it RULES. I'm head over heels for my internet access. Ha
Tonight I am thankful for the friends I have, the family who supports me, the possibility of hope and a future. I am thankful that God has given me dreams and hopefully someday He will bring them to completion. They involve a home, a yard with beautiful roses and flowers. A home full of love and kids. A home where my husband and I are crazy for each other and committed to each other forever. FOREVER. I want a marriage that sticks, one where both parties know that divorce is not an option, ever.
I dream of a home where love abides. Where children play. Where there is giggling by both little people and big people. Where we live together all together, as one. Where this husband of mine and I are one. One in dreams, one in spirit, one in body.
I feel like I've been jipped. I signed on for life and got a few years. That is unfair. It was not what I dreamed my whole life for. I dreamed of being treated with kindness but instead was treated unkindly. I dreamed of being cherished but instead was treated with disdain. I dreamed of a house full of kids and that was cut short.
Bottom line my dreams were cut short. I sit here, starting over. Choosing to not live in bitterness. Choosing to live instead for my Lord. For my children. For them I get out of bed when my body feels like I am dying and work with mean people all day long. For them I will do anything. And do.
I just want another chance at love.
Had a fun afternoon; surprised a friend where he works, got to meet/re-meet his family. Very nice people.
Then it was racing home to get milk and eggs on the way home..then picking up kids and making dinner despite yelling and just unruly behavior. After dinner I decided to make brownie/cookie things that we picked out at the store the other day. They smell good. Started them so late the kids can't have them until tomorrow in their lunches....which is a good thing.
I am hanging out, surfing the net on my OWN internet connection and it RULES. I'm head over heels for my internet access. Ha
Tonight I am thankful for the friends I have, the family who supports me, the possibility of hope and a future. I am thankful that God has given me dreams and hopefully someday He will bring them to completion. They involve a home, a yard with beautiful roses and flowers. A home full of love and kids. A home where my husband and I are crazy for each other and committed to each other forever. FOREVER. I want a marriage that sticks, one where both parties know that divorce is not an option, ever.
I dream of a home where love abides. Where children play. Where there is giggling by both little people and big people. Where we live together all together, as one. Where this husband of mine and I are one. One in dreams, one in spirit, one in body.
I feel like I've been jipped. I signed on for life and got a few years. That is unfair. It was not what I dreamed my whole life for. I dreamed of being treated with kindness but instead was treated unkindly. I dreamed of being cherished but instead was treated with disdain. I dreamed of a house full of kids and that was cut short.
Bottom line my dreams were cut short. I sit here, starting over. Choosing to not live in bitterness. Choosing to live instead for my Lord. For my children. For them I get out of bed when my body feels like I am dying and work with mean people all day long. For them I will do anything. And do.
I just want another chance at love.
Monday, September 20, 2010
My God Will Supply ALL My Needs
I had an okay day today. This morning my stress was high but once I got into my zone I actually got a lot done. I closed three claims today and opened three, almost four today. I managed to NOT make my angriest military member angrier today which is a definite bonus as he already went to my boss. (not good...boss was nice about it...only person I've ever had to talk to him about.). Boss said he knew about it for two days before I even brought it to him! I'm not sure that is good or bad. I know he trusts my judgement. Still it was humiliating to admit that I've screwed up with a member. Oh well I think it just shows that I'm human. Given my level of stress last week it's amazing I didn't tell that guy (not my boss, the other guy) where to go because I SO WANTED TO.
Today I was both excited about my new life and sad about my old life. I wonder, will I ever quit being sad about old life and fully immerse myself into new life? When will I let myself be happy, take myself off the hook, quit blaming myself even a little bit? This, like taking off my wedding ring is a decision that I get to make. I can decide it's time. So what is that so darn scary? Because it's new territory. I've lived looking back for two years and now I want to look forward to my new life. I so hope that my new life includes love. I long to love and be loved. To be cherished and to cherish another. To have that once in a lifetime connection happen....again. So a twice in a lifetime connection maybe. ha.
The bottom line is that I have been blessed beyond measure in my life. My God has supplied for my every need and still continues to supply my every need. When the stress of life creeps up on me, I need to remember that it's God who is running this show. When I wonder how I can manage to arrange and pay for upcoming things I need to remember that my God knows the name of every star He created and decorated the night sky with. That He knows each and every side hair on my head. This Creator can manage to help me through the next month of my pitiful and very small life.
My God will supply all my needs. I need reminding of that tonight. Even if those needs include love. He too can supply that for me in His own timing. (hurry up Lord! )
I feel completely inadequate to live up to my responsibilities sometimes. The weight of being a single mom is weighing heavily on my heart tonight. My heart is also heavy for a friend who is struggling through a divorce. Sometimes to be a friend you just have to listen and listen and listen. I plan to listen until he feels better. However long that takes. I've had people do it for me.....so now it is my turn to do for others.
Today I was both excited about my new life and sad about my old life. I wonder, will I ever quit being sad about old life and fully immerse myself into new life? When will I let myself be happy, take myself off the hook, quit blaming myself even a little bit? This, like taking off my wedding ring is a decision that I get to make. I can decide it's time. So what is that so darn scary? Because it's new territory. I've lived looking back for two years and now I want to look forward to my new life. I so hope that my new life includes love. I long to love and be loved. To be cherished and to cherish another. To have that once in a lifetime connection happen....again. So a twice in a lifetime connection maybe. ha.
The bottom line is that I have been blessed beyond measure in my life. My God has supplied for my every need and still continues to supply my every need. When the stress of life creeps up on me, I need to remember that it's God who is running this show. When I wonder how I can manage to arrange and pay for upcoming things I need to remember that my God knows the name of every star He created and decorated the night sky with. That He knows each and every side hair on my head. This Creator can manage to help me through the next month of my pitiful and very small life.
My God will supply all my needs. I need reminding of that tonight. Even if those needs include love. He too can supply that for me in His own timing. (hurry up Lord! )
I feel completely inadequate to live up to my responsibilities sometimes. The weight of being a single mom is weighing heavily on my heart tonight. My heart is also heavy for a friend who is struggling through a divorce. Sometimes to be a friend you just have to listen and listen and listen. I plan to listen until he feels better. However long that takes. I've had people do it for me.....so now it is my turn to do for others.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
In the Trenches
Do you ever have those weekends when you feel you're in the trenches of parenting? This was one of those weekends for me. I felt like I was in the trenches. You know, the times when you want to pull out your hair and cry or laugh, you're not sure which? Kids pushing their limits, causing mom to set the boundaries and consequences.
Today was a great day. I served the second graders at church by helping a little. Our regular teacher was gone and I served with some nice people. Then I was able to participate in the parent/child dedication with the kids. It was amazing and special and neat. People probably thought that we were weird because the kids were older but this was my way of asking the church, my family and people there to help me raise my kids up in the Lord. I had a brief moment when I wished that I wasn't standing there alone, that I was standing their with their dad but that moment quickly passed as I realize that I am now the spiritual leader in our home. That situation is not how I envisioned it.
I've begun to realize lately that what little ties held me to the kid's dad are all but gone and in a couple of weeks will be gone completely. I'm ready to start again, so ready to meet people, develop friendships and if God would have it in my future, marry again. My dream is being a stay at home mom again. I'd like to be a full time mom even if I just have my own kids part time. Maybe I'll inherit kids if I marry again and have step children. I hate the word step children it sounds so evil and not loved. If I marry then my husband's children will be as my own and I will love them and do for them the same. Honestly I think it would be a slight adjustment, okay a major adjustment, but I really am open to whatever God will have for me. I had always wanted a big family, maybe I'll marry into one.
Tonight I learned my little one has told all his/her friends about Jesus and about how to go to Heaven while at recess. How cool is that? So neat to see God working in little people's lives. Makes me feel both humbled and proud at the same time. So proud to be his/her momma. Made me so excited because the kids really are picking up what they hear at church and what I tell them about God in our every day life. Super cool night.
I'm tired. Will go to bed early. Slept horrible last night but made it. Early morning in the am. and we have to get up early tomorrow for school. I've got lunches made except for sandwiches which I will do in the a.m.
Trying to get kids to bed early tonight as they seem tired tonight. Big, wonderful day to celebrate.
Happy momma tonight. Wish they didn't have to go back to their dad's. I like them HERE. I can't deal with the fact that I may have to share them 50/50 with their dad for their whole life. They want to be here. They've said so. Now to trust God to work it out.
Lord I give my children to you tonight. I give you my role as mother. Please shape me into a person more like You. I need more patience and I need a tongue that is under control. Please help me to have wisdom Lord. Wisdom from above.
Today was a great day. I served the second graders at church by helping a little. Our regular teacher was gone and I served with some nice people. Then I was able to participate in the parent/child dedication with the kids. It was amazing and special and neat. People probably thought that we were weird because the kids were older but this was my way of asking the church, my family and people there to help me raise my kids up in the Lord. I had a brief moment when I wished that I wasn't standing there alone, that I was standing their with their dad but that moment quickly passed as I realize that I am now the spiritual leader in our home. That situation is not how I envisioned it.
I've begun to realize lately that what little ties held me to the kid's dad are all but gone and in a couple of weeks will be gone completely. I'm ready to start again, so ready to meet people, develop friendships and if God would have it in my future, marry again. My dream is being a stay at home mom again. I'd like to be a full time mom even if I just have my own kids part time. Maybe I'll inherit kids if I marry again and have step children. I hate the word step children it sounds so evil and not loved. If I marry then my husband's children will be as my own and I will love them and do for them the same. Honestly I think it would be a slight adjustment, okay a major adjustment, but I really am open to whatever God will have for me. I had always wanted a big family, maybe I'll marry into one.
Tonight I learned my little one has told all his/her friends about Jesus and about how to go to Heaven while at recess. How cool is that? So neat to see God working in little people's lives. Makes me feel both humbled and proud at the same time. So proud to be his/her momma. Made me so excited because the kids really are picking up what they hear at church and what I tell them about God in our every day life. Super cool night.
I'm tired. Will go to bed early. Slept horrible last night but made it. Early morning in the am. and we have to get up early tomorrow for school. I've got lunches made except for sandwiches which I will do in the a.m.
Trying to get kids to bed early tonight as they seem tired tonight. Big, wonderful day to celebrate.
Happy momma tonight. Wish they didn't have to go back to their dad's. I like them HERE. I can't deal with the fact that I may have to share them 50/50 with their dad for their whole life. They want to be here. They've said so. Now to trust God to work it out.
Lord I give my children to you tonight. I give you my role as mother. Please shape me into a person more like You. I need more patience and I need a tongue that is under control. Please help me to have wisdom Lord. Wisdom from above.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Slow Down the Clocks Lord
You're know your day is ending well when your toilet overflows and you only own 3 towels and two bathmats. I now have two towels and no bathmats. I do not plan to launder the three in question. GROSS
This was a really really hard day. Physically I am not feeling good. I would not be surprised at all if doctor calls with some adjustment on one of my meds next week after my lab tests are back. I am TIRED of feeling TIRED and am trying to change from the inside out. God has overhauled my heart, now I need His help to overhaul my body. I need to take better care of self for (1) my sake and (2) the sake of my children. They need me to be around. So I've undertaken cutting out some caffeine or cutting way back. I seriously feel like I'm withdrawing from a drug. Horrible yucky not good feeling. I know that it won't last forever and that I need to stick with it. It might get worse before it gets better.
Had lunch with a friend which made the day go a little better. :-)
Tonight I had one child while the other was ill. I hadn't spent any time with the one I had for probably more than a year. It was nice.
Tomorrow and this weekend I get them....they get to come HOME. With me. I cannot wait. My heart will have some peace.
Thank you, Lord, for my children. Empower me with Your Spirit. Give me patience, an extra dose. Please help me to feel better so that I can care for them with love. Give us slowed down time.....so that we can cherish each second we get to spend together. Slow down the clocks!
Good night
This was a really really hard day. Physically I am not feeling good. I would not be surprised at all if doctor calls with some adjustment on one of my meds next week after my lab tests are back. I am TIRED of feeling TIRED and am trying to change from the inside out. God has overhauled my heart, now I need His help to overhaul my body. I need to take better care of self for (1) my sake and (2) the sake of my children. They need me to be around. So I've undertaken cutting out some caffeine or cutting way back. I seriously feel like I'm withdrawing from a drug. Horrible yucky not good feeling. I know that it won't last forever and that I need to stick with it. It might get worse before it gets better.
Had lunch with a friend which made the day go a little better. :-)
Tonight I had one child while the other was ill. I hadn't spent any time with the one I had for probably more than a year. It was nice.
Tomorrow and this weekend I get them....they get to come HOME. With me. I cannot wait. My heart will have some peace.
Thank you, Lord, for my children. Empower me with Your Spirit. Give me patience, an extra dose. Please help me to feel better so that I can care for them with love. Give us slowed down time.....so that we can cherish each second we get to spend together. Slow down the clocks!
Good night
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Drip drip drip
Very hard day again. Tonight I lost it on the way to counseling. I cried about half the way there! Weird thing is that I am not quite sure why. It was such a relief, like I'd been holding it inside for a long time. I was chatty cathy at counseling, more than usual. I feel like I'm undergoing major change STILL and AGAIN and it is never easy but I know that God is working in me.
Truth is, I'm trying to learn to open myself up to people, to friends. It is unusual because every since I moved here I closed off my heart in self-protective mode. Now I'm headed toward the final stretch of this process, not long from my actual divorce and God is calling me to open up my heart again.
So tonight I am just relaxing and it is so nice. Lots of rain today; guess the world needed watering.
God is watering my soul. And it feels good.
Truth is, I'm trying to learn to open myself up to people, to friends. It is unusual because every since I moved here I closed off my heart in self-protective mode. Now I'm headed toward the final stretch of this process, not long from my actual divorce and God is calling me to open up my heart again.
So tonight I am just relaxing and it is so nice. Lots of rain today; guess the world needed watering.
God is watering my soul. And it feels good.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Work Life and Keeping Your Chin Up
Today was one of those days that was just really really long. Work was hard, I wound up with the grumpiest military member of the year and will for sure have to talk with him tomorrow and I'm dreading it. Sometimes my field isn't fun. Today it wasn't fun...it wore at me.
I feel like I became the grump monster earlier today and hope that I didn't hurt a friend's feelings. Sometimes having friends is hard when they require complete honesty. I'm not saying that I'm a liar, I'm just saying that sometimes being honest with others is scary. I have some people that I am completely honest with and I can count them on one hand. Adding people to that mix is scary and does not come easily to me.
I feel like I am failing in every area of my life sometimes. Just one of those days I guess. Tomorrow will be better. Once in a blue moon I get blue. I am used to being the consumate encourager....but sometimes this encourager needs encouragement. I am my children's biggest supporter, the loyalist of friends, the sounding board for some and sometimes I just run out of fuel. I'm out of fuel. I want to crawl in the corner so that I can deal with my own problems. Actually tonight they feel like they have just floaded upon me.....and I just need to deal with them or get out of the way.
Unbelievable stress sometimes causes me to short circuit! Even though I trust God with all of my heart I still struggle with worry. I worry about being able to provide for my family. I worry about having enough money to move. I am WORRIED today. This does not happen to me very often....but occasionally my humanity comes to the surface and I worry. I'm human.
When is it going to be MY turn to be happy? I have been so unhappy for so many years that when I feel a little happiness I freak out and go running in the other direction. Feeling happy is foreign. I mean, I want it but it requires a whole new level of honesty and that FREAKS ME OUT a little bit. Sometimes I wonder why I write. I make little sense but it is the one thing that I do for just me. Writing here helps me heal.
Could it be that I am afraid to be happy? That I got used to being unhappy and that the idea of being really truly openly happy freaks me out? Easier to shut self off than to be vulnerable. Easier to close down feminine side of me to succeed in the work world. Feel like I'm trapped inside this body and feel that body is keeping me from one thing that I want. Frustrating.
Tonight I struggle but I know that God's mercies are new every morning. Perhaps tomorrow I will be showered in God's mercy and goodness again. And I will get out of my own way and let heart be open to new things.
I feel like I became the grump monster earlier today and hope that I didn't hurt a friend's feelings. Sometimes having friends is hard when they require complete honesty. I'm not saying that I'm a liar, I'm just saying that sometimes being honest with others is scary. I have some people that I am completely honest with and I can count them on one hand. Adding people to that mix is scary and does not come easily to me.
I feel like I am failing in every area of my life sometimes. Just one of those days I guess. Tomorrow will be better. Once in a blue moon I get blue. I am used to being the consumate encourager....but sometimes this encourager needs encouragement. I am my children's biggest supporter, the loyalist of friends, the sounding board for some and sometimes I just run out of fuel. I'm out of fuel. I want to crawl in the corner so that I can deal with my own problems. Actually tonight they feel like they have just floaded upon me.....and I just need to deal with them or get out of the way.
Unbelievable stress sometimes causes me to short circuit! Even though I trust God with all of my heart I still struggle with worry. I worry about being able to provide for my family. I worry about having enough money to move. I am WORRIED today. This does not happen to me very often....but occasionally my humanity comes to the surface and I worry. I'm human.
When is it going to be MY turn to be happy? I have been so unhappy for so many years that when I feel a little happiness I freak out and go running in the other direction. Feeling happy is foreign. I mean, I want it but it requires a whole new level of honesty and that FREAKS ME OUT a little bit. Sometimes I wonder why I write. I make little sense but it is the one thing that I do for just me. Writing here helps me heal.
Could it be that I am afraid to be happy? That I got used to being unhappy and that the idea of being really truly openly happy freaks me out? Easier to shut self off than to be vulnerable. Easier to close down feminine side of me to succeed in the work world. Feel like I'm trapped inside this body and feel that body is keeping me from one thing that I want. Frustrating.
Tonight I struggle but I know that God's mercies are new every morning. Perhaps tomorrow I will be showered in God's mercy and goodness again. And I will get out of my own way and let heart be open to new things.
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