Things We Do for Our Families

Things we do for our families, children.  Yesterday I spent time with my family for Thanksgiving.  Although it was pleasant, I just wanted to leave.  I want THANKSGIVING with MY family.  It was hard to be without the kids that day.

I went through the whole day and not one single person asked me how I was doing.  I politely told our hostess how lovely everything was and how good, I don't think she responded.  My parents are still mad at me, I can tell by how distant they same.

Tonight I am not worrying about this, I have enough on my own plate to worry about others today.  No that does not mean I'm selfish, it means that I need to tend to first things first.  I wonder: does any one of them really care that I submitted my divorce decree on Friday to the other side, that we are weeks away from it being over.

I feel disillusioned with people.  Let down.  Some of the best support that I've gotten has come from family, some has come from really good friends in far away cities.  Bottom line, God has brought great people into my life.  Then why do I still feel so alone?

A friend of mine, or someone who used to be friends with me, is telling me one week how he wants to work it out with his wife and the next week is in a "relationship" with someone?  Okay.  They're not even divorced yet.  Some call me weird but I am waiting until I am divorced to proceed with DATING and we all know what we mean by that.

I'm disillusioned at people.  I feel once again like I'm on the outside looking in.  I've felt that way my whole life, that I didn't belong anywhere.  Then I got married, I had children that were my own flesh and blood, a husband who loved me and I finally felt for the first time in my life that I belonged.  I had a place in this world.  Now that has been ripped away.

I trust God.  I do not understand His ways but I do know that He has my every day numbered and knows what shall happen on it.  Lord how did my car breaking down and my children fighting tonight honor you?  I should point out the car started working on its own,  the children eventually calmed down and there is peace once again in my house.

I am tired of being lonely.  I joined some dumb website that will remain nameless and no one will return emails.  Am I hideous?  Last I checked I did not have a giant wart on my forehead?  Maybe if I looked like Barbie I would get more action.  Well b-s, I look how I look, been a little busy the last 6 years trying to STAY ALIVE and sane and honestly keeping up at the gym wasnt' a priority.  Getting emotionally healthy was.

All my life I had the feeling that I was made or something great; to do something great.  Yet I'm in a job that probably isn't going anywhere, my marriage is gone, I have my kids less than half the time.  Maybe my something big is learning and exercising how to praise God in the midst of chaos and troubled times. I've certainly learned how to do that.  My relationship with God is the only thing that has sustained me through it all.  God has become my parent, my best friend, my spouse, my everything.

I must hit the sheets as I have one who wakes up SUPER EARLY at my house!  I you are one of my readers please pray for me.  The holidays are extra hard to be alone.  Plus I'm finishing my divorce right smack dab in between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Pray for courage, pray for the ability to be alone, but also pray that God will bring me some additional new friends that I can hang out with.  I need people in my life.

New but Old Things to Pray About

Another day.  It wasn't too bad.  I worked hard all day, then went grocery shopping for Thanksgiving then came home and talked to my kiddos.  One barely wanted to give me the time of day.  The other gave me a minute or two.  I'm learning not to take it personally.  It's hard 'cuz the highlight of my day is 7:00 when I call them.

On a silly note I like my new grocery store.  The prices are good.  I got a TON of food for not that much money.  If I can get myself organized and into clipping coupons I could probably really save some cash.

I was a little sleepy this morning but overall I had a whole day of feeling good.  I didn't have masses of stress.  Makes me think that once this divorce is over my stress might go down to barely noticeable.  Wouldn't that be GREAT?

My life is simple.  Right now it is about doing what is in front of me with dignity, with faith.  Being faithful in the little things that God has given me.  The light of my life is my children.  They bring me so much joy; I love them like crazy!  I pray that God will bring them back here for more time with me.  I need them as they need me.  I am going to start praying for it.  I have been blown away at the amazing things God has done in my life in the last few years...and over my lifetime.  So why not ask Him for what I want?  "You do not have because you do not ask."  I just realized that I haven't been consistently praying for their return.  I shall begin right now.

I am basically happy.  I'm content with a small apartment and few "things" - to me, things are not what make life meaningful.  My faith in God and my relationships with my children and other family and friends are what bring meaning to my life.

I had hoped to get more clean tonight but I ran out of energy.  And you know what?  IT'S OKAY.  I do not have to live up to anyone's expectations of me.  I no longer have to live up to my spouse's expectations of who I should be or how I should act and I want to say that IT FEELS HEAVENLY just being me.  I like me.  There is nothing wrong with me.  Sure, I'm imperfect but I was made in God's image.  I'm fearfully and wonderfully made.  THAT is how I feel about it!

I am done worrying about my job.  I do my best each and every day and that is all I can do.  If it is not enough then God will provide another option for me.

The thought of living in this apartment for the next five years until I can buy a home doesn't exactly thrill me but it might be my reality.  I will do it one day at a time just like I Have the last few years.

Thoughts written yesterday (Sunday)

I'm fairly certain that no one would rejoice more than Satan should I fall down.  I feel like I've been under a spiritual attack the likes of which I have never undergone before.  And I've been through some dark times before.

This week, these past two weeks have been most difficult.  Somedays, just staying awake, trying to keep my job was all that I could do.  I'm in the end stages of wrapping up this divorce.  Tonight I was thinking on my way home some thoughts that sounded like the old tapes that used to play in my head.  In the past couple of weeks I've been really disappointed by a friend, and have apparently caused heartache to my parents.

Tonight I just came home, wrote a quick email to a friend and then turned on the sermon from church that I missed from this morning.

I talked to my children tonight and they don't even sound like themselves when they are with their dad sometimes.  It hurts my heart deeply.  I am at a loss as to what to do about it so tonight I just pray.

My heart is so heavy tonight.  I am just praying and praying and keeping my thoughts on the things of God.

Alone On A Saturday Night

I hate the weekends with no kids.  They are long and lonely.  I hate being by myself sometimes.  Most of the time I do okay with it but tonight I  don't feel very brave, very hopeful or very courageous.  I feel tired, beat down and beaten.  I know the Bible says His strength is perfected in our weakness.  If that's the case then He's definitely stronger.

I have been alone all day the only people I've spoken to were at Whole Foods and the movie theater.  I took a nap which was nice.

I'm just done.  Given it all back to Jesus.  The author and finisher of my faith.  There is no one to help, no one to talk to, even family has pulled away to some extent.  Then again when I came to the cross it was just me and Jesus.  It's just me and Jesus tonight as I sit in this tiny apartment.

I know and trust my Lord but it doesn't make going down this path any easier.  It doesn't erase the pain of divorce.  It doesn't erase.   He has healed me from the inside out and transformed me into a woman who is a lot more like him than she used to be.

But I'm still human.  I still experience feeling down.  Tonight I thought about thinking about how many weekends I would have with the kids until they are grown.  Then I thought that was a rotten attitude and remembered my own advice given earlier this week.

What keeps me going are the two little faces that are counting on me.  Counting on me to bring stability into their lives...to bring unconditional love and grace to their lives.  To be brave even when I don't feel like it.  Who knows, maybe someday they will read these posts at some point.  I wonder what they will think of me.  I hope that when they are grown and know more about the situation, they will know that their mama did everything in her power to protect them and to love them, no matter what.  If I could spare them the knowing that would be even better.  Unfortunately if I actually decide to write a book like I've talked about they are going to read about it.

So I will choose my words carefully as I tell my story.  In the beginning, there was a girl....who grew up....

On Solitary, Service and Sweet Dreams

I've made it through another week!  I do plan to turn in early though.

Want to spend some time reading the Bible and praying for my kids.  Tomorrow is going to be a big day.  Going to have to deal with attorney in the afternoon while trying to take care of the rest of my life.

Then I have the WHOLE WEEKEND to relax and serve at the same time.  Part of me wants to go into solitary confinement this weekend and no one would blame me given my circumstances and the situation with the pending divorce, etc.

Part of me wants to be alone.  I'm one of the kind of people who recharges when she is by herself.  I'm not a people person - I'm not energized by being around people.  For me, I literally require time by myself or I get easily stressed out.  It's only taken me 39 years to be okay with this.  It's okay; not only that it was the way I was created.  God knew this about me.  Before time began.

Funny now I come home and when I used to talk to friends on the phone and watch thousands of hours on the television, now I just want to write and write and write.  Now I look at Facebook and this blog as my own little mission field.  Reaching one heart at a time.  Someday perhaps God will give me a bigger venue to tell of His greatness but for now, this is it!

With that I bid you goodnight.  This girl's going to bed.

Forgiven

I write a lot about forgiveness because it's such an important topic and one that I have had struggles with over the years.  I once had to write down all my resentments to do a step in a  program and I had 10 pages, single spaced, typed out.  My sponsor had not seen anything quite like it before.  To say that I remember everything is (basically) true.  I have some memory gaps due to a medical issue but for the most part my mind is like a steel trap door.

It's one thing to remember everything but it's quite another to hold onto it.  Yes, you know what I'm talking about.   The little resentment that festers, that grows until it's blown out of proportion and becomes a major problem.  Do not let the sun go down on your anger says the Bible.  To me that means, deal with each day's problems THAT DAY and do not carry them from day to day to day.  In other words resentment is not Biblical, not even sorta kinda at all.  It's just sin.

I hung onto resentments for years.  Some against friends, some against family, some against my spouse at the time, some against my kids probably too.  Resentments will eat you alive from the inside out.  They are like having a rotten gut.

So lets talk about the options.  The solution.  God provided it for us, it's called FORGIVENESS and He believed in the idea so much that He sent His only Son down to earth to die FOR US, for our sins, for our resentments.  Then He offers this gift of forgiveness out for us to have.  It's a free gift.  We can't do anything to deserve it or earn it.  It's just free.  I think the best things in life are free.  At least they don't cost ME anything.

So a while back I let some of my resentments go about my failing marriage and the other person involved.  I prayed and realized that I was really resentful against GOD more than against anyone down here.  I was indignant that the Almighty God I've served my whole life did not choose to fix my marriage but instead is letting me experience the natural consequences of sin.

I gave it to God.  I gave my soon to be ex to God too.  Heck I even prayed for any lady my soon to be ex is dating because if she's going to be in my children's lives I need her to be strong.  If she's to have a chance at a good marriage with my ex, she will need to be well, different, than me.

I'm so thankful and grateful that God gives me this amazing gift that I just have to reach for.  Forgiveness.  Forgive others.  Forgive God.  Forgive yourself.  I had to actually forgive myself for many many things.

After the forgiveness comes the amazing grace, falling from Heaven into the depository of our hearts.  God, I thank you for sending your Son Jesus to forgive my sins and I pray that You will help me to be more forgiving of others and more forgiving of myself.  Thank you for forgiving me as far as the east is from the west.  That concept continues to blow my mind.  How amazing.  Only God could think of that. Unbounding forgivness.

Unexpected Peace in the Middle of the Storm

Today I had unexpected peace.  I got up this morning and kept thinking "I can do all things through Christ" and DID.  I worked hard, dealt with my attorney on issues needing to be changed or added to the final papers.  I cancelled a meeting with a family member in lieu of having lunch with him tomorrow instead.  I'll probably have to cancel as my lunch hour is the only time I have to work on my legal case.  But the issue is with my family and they are important.

Sitting here tonight, had the hardest three weeks of my life the last three weeks.  I mean, I've had some hard ones in the last two years and the years before that.  It was hard, very hard, but instead of quitting I kept going and just gave it all back to God to control and run.

This weekend I realized that I'd lost the joy the Lord put in me.  But I regained it through the celebration of a life of an old friend who loved Jesus...and others.  I also regained it by laughing with my children.  By playing follow the leader in the cold autumn air at a local park.  By having frozen yogurt at a fun new spot.  By giggling, laughing, cooking together, cleaning together, being a family.  Being with my children brings me back to what's important in my life.  After God my life has been about them.

I've gained and lost friends recently.  I'm not sure I fully understand it but know that God is in control still.  I have behaved badly a while back and fear that I hurt some.  My tongue is such trouble for me.  I read James a lot.  Apparently not enough.  My tongue has gotten me into more problems over the years.  As recent as probably a week or two ago I fear that I said something and alienated a friend.

I'm sitting here almost in stitches because my cat is snoring so loudly and it sounds like a song.  It's really humorous.  I resonate with her challenges as I also snore badly when I do not wear my CPAP machine for the sleep apnea.

I figure that if God continues to work in my life at the pace that He has the last couple of years; well, the world better look out because I might light it up with passion for Jesus.  This has undoubtedly been the hardest two years, make that 5-6 years I've ever had so far.   I've gone from the despondency of being suicidal multiple times to the place where I'm at today, at the other end of the spectrum.  I've just clung to God, even when I was in and out of the hospital a few years ago with depression.  I knew that ending my life would be wrong yet I lacked the courage to live it.  I was overwhelmed by poor health, depression and the reality that I was living in an abusive marriage and did not know it.

So here I sit, many years past, seems like forever on one hand and on the other it seems like just yesterday when the children were born and I was a young mother who had the pleasure of being a stay at home mom.  Now I toil away, at a very hard and stressful job, still not quite supporting myself and I constantly wonder.  What am I going to do in another year?  The human side of me worries.  Then I remember that God, the same God who put all the stars in the sky and named them intimately cares for me and promises to take care of me.  I have had difficult financial times.  I'd had to choose between food and medicine a couple of times a while back but slowly I feel like I'm gaining momentum.  I would love a job someday maybe working with kids.  Of course my dream job would be to be a mom again full time.  I fear that I'll never have that again and that I'll only get to experience half of my kid's lives.  Divorce took away what I most cared about (my children) and I've had to fight to get where I am now.  I've learned how to work hard, work multiple jobs, how to take care of myself, but more than that, I've learned how to not take any single moment of my children's lives for granted.  Each day with them is a gift to be cherished.

It's 8:15 and I am ready for bed.  Might be God's way of telling me that it's time to turn in, go read His word before I drift off to sleep.

Lord I need more of You.  I need your peace again tomorrow as I work with my attorney.  I need your peace as I speak with my father.  I need more of you tonight Lord.  Watch over my children.  Send an angel to watch over each corner of their beds until I can be with them again on Thursday.  Protect us. Bless us with more of You.  Infect us with your love for others.  Lord help me to speak up to my friend at work who needs You Lord.  I want to lead her to you but I haven't.  Give me the courage and the words to speak to her.

Lord, please help me continue to keep my job and to be able to finish strong before I start my new position.  Lord I need your strength to make it through the end of the year.  Lord please provide for me so that I can move my things from our home into storage as I wait until Phase III.  Lord I need you to provide for my financial needs so that I can afford the moving team, the packers, to get moved out in the time the judge allowed.

Lord work on my friend's hearts so that they will want to help me if they have time.  I need a lot of help Lord and I feel so alone.  Lord, just fill me with more of You.

Until next time,