Dripping of Tear Ducts

Sobbing.  No words for the deep anguish I feel.  I feel broken.  I feel used.  I feel betrayed.  Where I used to have trust in other people now I have skepticism.  Knowing inside that God designed me for relationship with others which requires me to trust Him and to trust others.

Difficult to trust anyone, anything, anywhere or anytime right now.  Listened to a song about how we're God's treasures, we humans.  About how very much He loves us.  On one hand I feel His presence with me daily and on the other hand His presence is noticeably absent, or not in the way that I would want.   Whereas I have difficulty trusting others right now I still am able to dig into the reserves of my soul and trust my Maker, the one who created me with purpose and for a purpose.

Sobbing.  Deep hurt exploding out my tear ducts.  As my shoulders move up and down I know that God sees and is here with me.  I feel His presence.  I ponder what my purpose is on this earth.  I know that I was put here to be a mother to my girls.  I was destined to be their mom.  That much I know for sure!  Pondering what my greater purpose is at the moment.  Desperately wanting to show others the Jesus I know.  To introduce to them my redeemer.  The one who took my sin upon Him and died for me.  That sacrifice blows my mind.  A creator who died for His children.  As a parent I can understand the innate desire to do anything, anytime for your children.  Imagine how even more God must feel toward us.

Peace lands upon my shoulders and my tear ducts with just a drip or two of tears cascading dow my cheeks.  A peace that can only come from God.  

People are watching me go through this time of my life.  People at work wonder how I can do it.  Makes me even more energized to share Jesus with them.  I want them to see Jesus in me.  I guess I could say that I've found my greater purpose in life: I want them to see Jesus in me.  Someday on my gravestone they can put "Here lies XX (anonymous).  She loved God no matter what."

Be Still and Know that He is God

I'm sitting here, listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's song, "Be Still" and it haunts and infects me with holiness.  Be still and know that He is God.  Be STILL.  Be speechless.  

I think that if we come to God out of our place of quiet, our stillness, we are able to hear Him in a unique way.  

Be still and know that He is holy. Be still oh restless soul of mine; bow before the prince of peace -  let the noise and clamor cease.  Be still and know that He is God. Be still and know that He is faithful. Consider all that he has done stand in awe and be amazed and know that He will never change.  Be still.  (Steven Curtis Chapman)

I like the fact that He will never change.  Our lives change in so many ways, some good and some don't feel so good, like what I'm going through.  It is comforting to know that I have someone to go to who will not change.  He is the same yesterday, today and forever.  Now that's a love that I can believe in.  

So Weary

I'm so weary.  I want my children; I'm tired of being in limbo.  I've waited months and months hoping the spouse would become more reasonable with regard to visitation and he is not.  Instead he seems to be more protective.  

I want my children in my home.  I'm just so weary.  I'm more resolved than ever to fight for them.  I will fight to my last breath for those children.  

I almost said that I want my life back.  In reality I want the new life I'm making and I want to include them in on it.  I mean, I AM including them but I want more time with them.  Even in the divorce and now with the custody I am trying to be controlled and it makes me angry, makes me weary and makes me want to scream.  I WANT MY CHILDREN.

Monday

I had a really good day today.  I woke up feeling good, refreshed even (that was a nice change).  Hopped in the shower and got dressed.  Headed to the quick store for a pop, all the while enjoying the drip drip drip of the raindrops.  

Work was good.  I was on top of my jobs, organized and efficient.  My head was clear and I was able to concentrate on work and not on my private life.  It was nice.  Lunch was chicken fried rice take out from the Chinese place.  Eating in the car as the rain drizzled in the parking lot of an antique cemetary.  

The afternoon went smoothly and it was nice.  Drank Crystal Lite all afternoon, happily saving money from NOT buying Diet Coke.  

Tonight I just hung out, did clothes and talked to my girls on the phone.  Chatty Cathy was my eldest.  Talked of our dreams for the future.  She's so much like me and I love that.  

Ahhhhhh........

My Heart Hurts

Tonight my heart hurts but not for myself.  It hurts for my girls, my oldest specifically.  Tonight she lost it, I mean, an emotional breakdown.  She was so angry and mad at me.  Then I wouldn't let her go to bed angry and we sat and talked.  She said "I wanted you all day mommy.  I want you every day."   My daughter is trying to tell me something and I need to hear it loud and clear.  She needs me.  She needs more time with me.  I told her that I was trying to get more time with her but that it takes time.  I'm fed up, mad as hell and I want my children.  Tonight was the final straw.  

I'm so tired.  I just want what's fair.  I want to be a mother.  Since when did someone signing a petition for divorce make me less of a mom?  I'll fight to my dying day for these children.  No ONE and I repeat, NO ONE should get in the way of a mother's love for her children.   Nor should anyone underestimate my resolve in this matter.

Goodnight, 

Signed a Frustrated Mom

Free to be Me

..."I'm free to be me!" states one Christian song enthusiastically.  My heart resonates with the message because for the first time in a long time I feel FREE.  I feel free to be me.  The person I am is OKAY, I do not need to change, only to become more like Christ.  I am loved by Him just the way I am, crawling with knees bleeding to the cross where I'm laying me, my sins and my past on it.  Then there's this amazing GRACE that falls upon me, washes over me like this amazing warmth, this comfort.  You know, like the feeling you have when you're HOME.  

You see, for a long time I feel like I've lived trying to change all the time, to become something or someone I'm not for someone else.  It's a horrible thing.  I will NEVER ever change for someone else.  I mean, I might but it would be because I want to or because God wants me to.  

I do want change.  I now welcome it.  I welcome God's leading of my life.  You see, I got a little lost for a few years but I'm coming back now.  It's funny - I feel like I'm discovering everything anew, like a child for the first time.  Tonight I told my oldest daughter that she was just like me and that that was a very good thing.  I feel like my self esteem is back....it went to hell in a handbag for many many years.  

Writing is so cathartic.  I know one thing tonight and I shout it out for all to hear "I'M FREE TO BE ME!"

Saddle Up

Saddle up your horses.....this is the BIG ADVENTURE!  That song was on tonight as I drove away from my girls and my soon to be ex.  It was just what the Doctor ordered.  Tonight was an event at the oldest's school.  My spouse and I both came, for our oldest.  

As I drove off to the song blaring, I felt good.  I felt relieved and free.  I realized that God has a Big Adventure for me and I'm just fortunate enough to be part of it.  Sure, I was saddened by who and what I've lost but I know that God will be with me, step by step of my life.

For me it's about savoring each moment that I have with my children.  Making the most of our special moments together.  The other night when we got out of the car my littlest girl stated, "Mom, you're my best friend!"  It doesn't get any better than that.  My life has been an adventure up until this point and it continues to be a big adventure.  Led by the ultimate Tour Guide.

This is your Life

"This is your life, are you who you want to be?" the words of a popular Christian song haunt me tonight.  I can't get them out of my head.  So how would I answer my own question?  I am becoming who I want to be.  I am becoming who God wants me to be, more importantly.  

God is making me into a better woman and into a better mom.  I am no longer who I used to be.  I'm radically different.  Even my 7 year old thinks so!  And she likes the change.  That ruled.  It's not about being good for good's sake.  It's not about living a moral life, living by a code of ethics that sets one apart from the world.  It's about giving up.  Giving your control over to God.  Asking God to make you into who He wants you to be.  Being willing.  6 months later and I'm still willing.  God, make me into the woman you want.  Make me more like you.  Help others to see You when they interact with me, when they see the way I live, the way I work and the way I love my friends and family.

I'm willing.  Are you?

Thoughts

You know, tonight on the way home I was thinking about the situation that I'm in.  I thought about it a couple of ways.  Is it more of a situation where God takes a bad situation and makes it right?  Or is it more of a situation where it is all part of His plan.  I mean, this divorce is the result of our failures and sins.  It is not what God wants or designed at all.  But if God knows our days, each and every one, then this is all part of His plan.  I realized that I would not be the mom that I am now if I didn't have to go through this divorce.  

Not sure any of this made any sense.  I just know that the great I am, the one who loved me yesterday, today and forever is working in my life.  Making me more like Him each and every day.  I've experienced His grace and mercies every day.  They are new every morning.  

For the first time in a very long time I am starting to like the person that I am.  I have hated myself for such a long time.  It is nice to know that I have worth, to myself, to my children, to my family, my friends and to my Lord.  The love of my girls is what I've needed to heal my heart.  

God Uses People

I do believe that we're God's agents down here on earth.  We are His representation to those who don't know Him or to those that need reminding.  

Blown away today by an old friend become new (thanks Facebook) again.  Talked, prayed, giggled.  Encouraged.  You know who you are!  Thanks for lifting me out of the mire and into His light.

Arranged Marriages

You know, tonight my thought is this:  I think we should all go back to the system of arranged marriages.  Might work.  Just a thought! Your thoughts?

Not Sure about Love

I'd like to say that I still believe in love.  As I said, I'd like to say that.  I'm just not sure.  I can't imagine ever loving another.  

People want to know if I'm looking and the answer is no.  I can't even think about that.  I am going to get my life in order first.  So much to do, so much for God to heal and fix.  

I don't get it.  When I got married my spouse's family became my own.  We were close, often writing each other every day.  Got together for dinner, lunch and get togethers.  Now that my spouse has filed for divorce of course they rally around their family member and I get that on one level.  The other side of me thinks: did I ever really have a REAL relationship with those people?  This divorce has made me question everything.  I miss my extended family intensely.  Of course I hope that I will keep in touch after we divorce but the realistic side of me doubts that's possible.

Family.  What a complicated thing.  They are the glue that binds you to others.  I love my family.  We are a bunch of broken but amazing people.  I would die for any member of my family in a heartbeat.  Yet sometimes I feel like I'm completely misunderstood by my family.  I was sharing my feelings about a situation that happened between my spouse and I this week and my family member thought I was being a victim.  I was thinking, wow, we are having real and honest communication and I'm able to share my hurts with him.  I am SO NOT A VICTIM.  Does being disappointed with the way things have turned out make me a victim?  No, to me that's real, honest.   Does being a little disillusioned with things make me a victim?  No, that makes me real, honest.

I feel frustrated sometimes because I just want to scream.  Sure I have the support of friends and family but no one is in my shoes and as much as people try (and they do try with such good intentions) they will never know what it is like to be me.   Sometimes people who are hurting just want to hear someone say, "I'm sorry you're going through that."  We don't always want answers.  We want empathy on a base level.

Okay I'm rambling so I will sign off.  This post makes me sound a little jaded.  

Who do I want to be?

Big change takes big courage.  It also takes a great amount of stamina.  A lot of us wish that we could just close our eyes, blow out a candle on a birthday cake and we would get our wish.  I know for me, in my life, change sometimes comes through great pain.  I mean, do we ever change on our own volition?  Or do we feel compelled to change because we feel pain of some sort?  

As much as I'd like to avoid pain just like the next guy, I have realized over the years that God can use our pain to make us more like Him.  To make us more into His image.  Feeling intense pain can cause us to look at what needs to change and evaluate how we're going to change.  For me, that means asking God to do the changing.  

So here I sit, in the middle of intense pain in my life saying "God, change me".  I really mean it.  If I have to go through this pain I hope that He'll bless me with some change.  Change that comes from pain is like a gift.  And we never forget where we learned it from because it comes at a great cost.

Pangs of Intense Sadness

I know why a lot of men and women who are divorced are bitter.  It's because they have been through intense sadness.  I'm going through intense sadness and it comes at the oddest of times.  When driving, I often break down in tears.  In church I can't keep a dry eye.  

I've vowed one thing: I will not become a bitter woman who has been scarred by divorce.  I pray forgiveness upon my spouse.  

I wake up everyday and think to myself "this is a nightmare."  I literally think that - it's the first thought in my head every single day after I wake up and rub the sleep out of my eyes.   Somedays after that I think "this is the day that the Lord has made."  It's about choosing.  It's about being brave enough to NOT want revenge or hurt upon the one I love.   It's about being brave enough to face a life of unknowns.  My whole world was turned upside down the day he told me he wanted a divorce.  The day I left the house to come here was the scariest thing that I've ever done.  

You know what I want more than anything?  When I get to Heaven, I want to hear God say "well done my good and faithful servant."  That would be the crowning point of my life.  And to see my family there too, now THAT would be a life worth living.

You've Changed Mom

Last night we three girls were sitting at Applebee's having chicken tenders, grilled cheese and a salad.  My oldest out of the blue states to me "Mom, you've changed."  I said "well what do you mean?"  She said "You do things now you didn't used to do."   So I asked "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"  She said "a good thing!"  And that was the end of it.  

God is Bigger than the Battle

Heard a song tonight on the radio on my way home, said something about God being bigger than the battle.  That resonated with me.  I feel like I'm in a battle and have been for a couple of years.  The battle was for my marriage and unfortunately I'm losing.  I feel like it was a spiritual battle too.  

I like the concept that God's bigger than anything we struggle with down here.  That our most complicated of human situations is simple to Him.  

I often feel an intense yearning for Heaven.  I long to walk on gold streets.  I long for a body that's not riddled with one ailment or another.  I long for a mind that's not bothered by bipolar disorder.  Heck, maybe when we get to Heaven God will heal my family too!  I got to share the gospel with my girls this past weekend and my oldest said she believed.  It was precious.  The little one is still young and learning.  She is interested in God though and we talk about Him and His Son, Jesus, all the time.  She prays the most beautiful prayers at dinner too.

I'm sure many thought that I would fracture under the stress of this divorce.  What it's shown is my frailty but God's power working through my frailty.  His grace that covers my sins and His forgiveness that offers a clean slate and a chance at a fresh new life.  

Without God there would be no reason to live.   Someone told me the other day that now God would be my husband.  I think that's what married Christian people just tell us soon to be divorced gals to make us feel better.  It's a nice thought but the cliche of it makes me a little sick.

Modesty

Three days ago I was standing in the toy aisle(s) at Target,  looking to buy a Barbie for my girls.  I was frustrated at the apparent immodesty of Barbie's swimsuit collection, only bikini's.  I decided against buying them one because it didn't fit with what I thought was appropriate.  

So then I asked the girls to bring their Barbies from their dad's house to my house so we could play.  I realized tonight when I walked by them that there are two bikini clad Barbies on my floor.  They must have been the ones their grandma gave them for Christmas.  I feel frustrated because I am not there to filter what my kids see/do.  Then I feel silly because in the big scheme of things, it is, after all, only a bathing suit.  

Then I decided that I was right the first time.  I have a definite sense of what I think is good for my girls and I need to stick with my gut.  I'm thinking the two Barbies in question might go visit the top shelf of my bedroom.  Then after they are forgotten they will go bye bye. 

Call me crazy.  I like to think that I'm the protector of my daughter's innocence and purity.  God gave me that job and I take it seriously.  I'm the MOM and that's what I do.

Aim Higher

Tonight I walked into my room and thought to myself "am I ever going to be happpy?"  I then sat down and thought about it a little.  I realized that I was aiming too low.  That happiness is not what I want, but JOY is.  You see, to have happiness it is related to people, places and/or things.  Joy, on the other hand, is possible and is NOT related to people, places and/or things.  

Joy is something that comes from a much deeper place.  I believe the only true source of joy is from God.  Only He could provide a state of being called joy that's not connected to the "mundane" - the things down here.  Joy is a taste of heaven in my opinion.  I believe that in heaven we will have eternal joy when we worship at the feet of the Father.  

So tonight I'm aiming higher, I'm praying for JOY.   I also know the SOURCE of all JOY, God.  

Choosing

Tonight was especially hard on me.  My littlest didn't want to come over, she wanted to stay with her daddy.  We got her in the car eventually but it ripped out my heart.  Her actions scream how much she's hurting and it's the only way she can express it.  Once she got to my house she was fine.  She even talked about God and how he's going to help us get a house and a new car!  Sweet.

I got to thinking about choosing.  How we choose to love others even when they don't love us.  That amazing thing we do as parents sometimes.  I think about how God chose to love us by sending His Son Jesus to die.  Jesus who CHOSE to give his life away, to take our place on that cross.  

We hear the phrase "life's about choices" a lot from pop psychologists.  Their choices, the ones they talk about, surely affect our daily lives.  There is so much more.  We get to choose Jesus!  We either accept or reject what He did on the cross and what that means for us.  

So yes, life's about choices.  I pray for wisdom all the time.  Wisdom to make the right choices for me and for my girls.  Wisdom to lead them in life and toward God.  Life's about a lot of little choices, some big.  Making good decisions every day as I work toward my goals.  

9 years ago today

9 years ago today I got all dressed up in my wedding gown and walked down the aisle in front of about 75 of my friends and family.  I stood up before God and my people to declare my love for my husband.  

Fast forward 9 years.  I worked all day then went out for dinner with my folks.  It is harder to deal with than I first thought.  I want to say that it doesn't bother me, that it's just another day in the calendar but I ask you: is YOUR anniversary, birthday, etc just another day in your calendar?  I think not.  For me, I'm still married legally and that means that I'm in a weird situation.

I'm not all down in the dumps depressed, just sad.  I miss my family and my life with my husband.  No, I don't miss some of it.  Of course not.  

So I have a choice in the matter.  Live or dwell.  I choose to live.  One day at a time.  

Writing

People keep telling me that I should write a book so I decided to start a blog.  I want to keep it private so I'd appreciate your not sharing it without telling me first.  Unless you're SURE I wouldn't care.  

I have thought about writing a book for a couple of years now.  I've had several people tell me that I should.  I have felt like I am going to explode for years now due to the stuff in my brain wanting to come out!  

So welcome to my blog, to my thoughts about life, God, family, health and more.

Torn

Flesh of my flesh torn from my grip tonight yelling "Mommy, mommy, mommy I love you."  Heart breaking, unbelievable sadness pervades my soul.  A hole that only God can fill.  

When they leave me after their time with me my heart breaks every single time.  We were meant to be together and nothing can change that.  I tell them what I can to heal their hearts but ultimately have to leave them in God's care.  Wanting to hold them, to cuddle with them and tell them "nice things." Wanting them to know that mommy didn't choose to leave them, that she wants to be with them and isn't allowed.  

Tired of being reasonable.  Frustrated with the system, with attorneys and with the whole process.  I want my children NOW.  Not in a month, not in 6 months.  NOW.  I want to help them heal, to start a new life.

Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary.  My heart is torn between unrequited love, the kind that I meant when I said "I do" and extreme sadness and pain because I know that we will never be together again unless God does a miracle.  

Tomorrow is another day and I march on.  I choose not to be bitter.  I choose LIFE.

Two Days

In two days from now it is my wedding anniversary.  It is meant to commemorate the happiest day of my life.  I have three happiest days.  The day I got married and the days each of my girls were born. 

So I sit here,  two days from d-day.  In the middle of a divorce although still legally married.  Just thinking about my anniversary causes me to tear up.  I feel an intense sadness that this marriage failed, that my husband wanted out.  

Wonder what I should get myself for my anniversary?  Maybe take myself out?  I'm going to try hard to not be pitiful that day.  I can't help myself a little though.  I miss my husband and wish that my family was still intact.  

Tonight my heart is hurting but at the same time I have peace.  I have peace that God has a bigger plan for me, one that I don't understand.  One that includes me being a single mom.  That realization tears me up.  I wanted nothing more my whole life than to grow up, be married and have children.  One man, one marriage, for life.  That is what I vowed on my wedding day.  Until death do us part.  Now some judge is going to separate what God brought together.  I can't help but wonder the everlasting ramifications of that.  

The Cost and Joy of Freedom

This morning I heard a saying, completely from Hollywood, about a slave.  The white man asked the black slave "what would you do with freedom?"  And even though I'm not going through a life or death situation, divorce and the life thereafter is like freedom in a way.  I am gaining freedom but it's not the type that I wanted or even dreamed of.  You see, I wanted to be married to one man, forever.  Until death do us part.  That idea was shattered  when my husband sat me down one day and stated that he had filed for divorce the day before.  

That's another story.  Today it's been about 6 months and I'm making my way in this world.  I'm having to realize that the freedom I have now is not only what I didn't want, it could also be a blessing in a way.  God's going to take a bad situation and redeem it and me.  He's changed me from the inside out, I am no longer the same woman.