Epic

Great epic weekend.  I came, I saw, I cooked.  The full thing.  Turkey, stuffing, all the fixings, etc.

Great weekend.  Highs and lows.  It was all good, done together, me and my troop.  Cats and all.

I go to bed happy and soon.  Morning comes early around here.

Night and gobble gobble.

Things We Do for Our Families

Things we do for our families, children.  Yesterday I spent time with my family for Thanksgiving.  Although it was pleasant, I just wanted to leave.  I want THANKSGIVING with MY family.  It was hard to be without the kids that day.

I went through the whole day and not one single person asked me how I was doing.  I politely told our hostess how lovely everything was and how good, I don't think she responded.  My parents are still mad at me, I can tell by how distant they same.

Tonight I am not worrying about this, I have enough on my own plate to worry about others today.  No that does not mean I'm selfish, it means that I need to tend to first things first.  I wonder: does any one of them really care that I submitted my divorce decree on Friday to the other side, that we are weeks away from it being over.

I feel disillusioned with people.  Let down.  Some of the best support that I've gotten has come from family, some has come from really good friends in far away cities.  Bottom line, God has brought great people into my life.  Then why do I still feel so alone?

A friend of mine, or someone who used to be friends with me, is telling me one week how he wants to work it out with his wife and the next week is in a "relationship" with someone?  Okay.  They're not even divorced yet.  Some call me weird but I am waiting until I am divorced to proceed with DATING and we all know what we mean by that.

I'm disillusioned at people.  I feel once again like I'm on the outside looking in.  I've felt that way my whole life, that I didn't belong anywhere.  Then I got married, I had children that were my own flesh and blood, a husband who loved me and I finally felt for the first time in my life that I belonged.  I had a place in this world.  Now that has been ripped away.

I trust God.  I do not understand His ways but I do know that He has my every day numbered and knows what shall happen on it.  Lord how did my car breaking down and my children fighting tonight honor you?  I should point out the car started working on its own,  the children eventually calmed down and there is peace once again in my house.

I am tired of being lonely.  I joined some dumb website that will remain nameless and no one will return emails.  Am I hideous?  Last I checked I did not have a giant wart on my forehead?  Maybe if I looked like Barbie I would get more action.  Well b-s, I look how I look, been a little busy the last 6 years trying to STAY ALIVE and sane and honestly keeping up at the gym wasnt' a priority.  Getting emotionally healthy was.

All my life I had the feeling that I was made or something great; to do something great.  Yet I'm in a job that probably isn't going anywhere, my marriage is gone, I have my kids less than half the time.  Maybe my something big is learning and exercising how to praise God in the midst of chaos and troubled times. I've certainly learned how to do that.  My relationship with God is the only thing that has sustained me through it all.  God has become my parent, my best friend, my spouse, my everything.

I must hit the sheets as I have one who wakes up SUPER EARLY at my house!  I you are one of my readers please pray for me.  The holidays are extra hard to be alone.  Plus I'm finishing my divorce right smack dab in between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Pray for courage, pray for the ability to be alone, but also pray that God will bring me some additional new friends that I can hang out with.  I need people in my life.

New but Old Things to Pray About

Another day.  It wasn't too bad.  I worked hard all day, then went grocery shopping for Thanksgiving then came home and talked to my kiddos.  One barely wanted to give me the time of day.  The other gave me a minute or two.  I'm learning not to take it personally.  It's hard 'cuz the highlight of my day is 7:00 when I call them.

On a silly note I like my new grocery store.  The prices are good.  I got a TON of food for not that much money.  If I can get myself organized and into clipping coupons I could probably really save some cash.

I was a little sleepy this morning but overall I had a whole day of feeling good.  I didn't have masses of stress.  Makes me think that once this divorce is over my stress might go down to barely noticeable.  Wouldn't that be GREAT?

My life is simple.  Right now it is about doing what is in front of me with dignity, with faith.  Being faithful in the little things that God has given me.  The light of my life is my children.  They bring me so much joy; I love them like crazy!  I pray that God will bring them back here for more time with me.  I need them as they need me.  I am going to start praying for it.  I have been blown away at the amazing things God has done in my life in the last few years...and over my lifetime.  So why not ask Him for what I want?  "You do not have because you do not ask."  I just realized that I haven't been consistently praying for their return.  I shall begin right now.

I am basically happy.  I'm content with a small apartment and few "things" - to me, things are not what make life meaningful.  My faith in God and my relationships with my children and other family and friends are what bring meaning to my life.

I had hoped to get more clean tonight but I ran out of energy.  And you know what?  IT'S OKAY.  I do not have to live up to anyone's expectations of me.  I no longer have to live up to my spouse's expectations of who I should be or how I should act and I want to say that IT FEELS HEAVENLY just being me.  I like me.  There is nothing wrong with me.  Sure, I'm imperfect but I was made in God's image.  I'm fearfully and wonderfully made.  THAT is how I feel about it!

I am done worrying about my job.  I do my best each and every day and that is all I can do.  If it is not enough then God will provide another option for me.

The thought of living in this apartment for the next five years until I can buy a home doesn't exactly thrill me but it might be my reality.  I will do it one day at a time just like I Have the last few years.

Thoughts written yesterday (Sunday)

I'm fairly certain that no one would rejoice more than Satan should I fall down.  I feel like I've been under a spiritual attack the likes of which I have never undergone before.  And I've been through some dark times before.

This week, these past two weeks have been most difficult.  Somedays, just staying awake, trying to keep my job was all that I could do.  I'm in the end stages of wrapping up this divorce.  Tonight I was thinking on my way home some thoughts that sounded like the old tapes that used to play in my head.  In the past couple of weeks I've been really disappointed by a friend, and have apparently caused heartache to my parents.

Tonight I just came home, wrote a quick email to a friend and then turned on the sermon from church that I missed from this morning.

I talked to my children tonight and they don't even sound like themselves when they are with their dad sometimes.  It hurts my heart deeply.  I am at a loss as to what to do about it so tonight I just pray.

My heart is so heavy tonight.  I am just praying and praying and keeping my thoughts on the things of God.

Alone On A Saturday Night

I hate the weekends with no kids.  They are long and lonely.  I hate being by myself sometimes.  Most of the time I do okay with it but tonight I  don't feel very brave, very hopeful or very courageous.  I feel tired, beat down and beaten.  I know the Bible says His strength is perfected in our weakness.  If that's the case then He's definitely stronger.

I have been alone all day the only people I've spoken to were at Whole Foods and the movie theater.  I took a nap which was nice.

I'm just done.  Given it all back to Jesus.  The author and finisher of my faith.  There is no one to help, no one to talk to, even family has pulled away to some extent.  Then again when I came to the cross it was just me and Jesus.  It's just me and Jesus tonight as I sit in this tiny apartment.

I know and trust my Lord but it doesn't make going down this path any easier.  It doesn't erase the pain of divorce.  It doesn't erase.   He has healed me from the inside out and transformed me into a woman who is a lot more like him than she used to be.

But I'm still human.  I still experience feeling down.  Tonight I thought about thinking about how many weekends I would have with the kids until they are grown.  Then I thought that was a rotten attitude and remembered my own advice given earlier this week.

What keeps me going are the two little faces that are counting on me.  Counting on me to bring stability into their lives...to bring unconditional love and grace to their lives.  To be brave even when I don't feel like it.  Who knows, maybe someday they will read these posts at some point.  I wonder what they will think of me.  I hope that when they are grown and know more about the situation, they will know that their mama did everything in her power to protect them and to love them, no matter what.  If I could spare them the knowing that would be even better.  Unfortunately if I actually decide to write a book like I've talked about they are going to read about it.

So I will choose my words carefully as I tell my story.  In the beginning, there was a girl....who grew up....

On Solitary, Service and Sweet Dreams

I've made it through another week!  I do plan to turn in early though.

Want to spend some time reading the Bible and praying for my kids.  Tomorrow is going to be a big day.  Going to have to deal with attorney in the afternoon while trying to take care of the rest of my life.

Then I have the WHOLE WEEKEND to relax and serve at the same time.  Part of me wants to go into solitary confinement this weekend and no one would blame me given my circumstances and the situation with the pending divorce, etc.

Part of me wants to be alone.  I'm one of the kind of people who recharges when she is by herself.  I'm not a people person - I'm not energized by being around people.  For me, I literally require time by myself or I get easily stressed out.  It's only taken me 39 years to be okay with this.  It's okay; not only that it was the way I was created.  God knew this about me.  Before time began.

Funny now I come home and when I used to talk to friends on the phone and watch thousands of hours on the television, now I just want to write and write and write.  Now I look at Facebook and this blog as my own little mission field.  Reaching one heart at a time.  Someday perhaps God will give me a bigger venue to tell of His greatness but for now, this is it!

With that I bid you goodnight.  This girl's going to bed.

Forgiven

I write a lot about forgiveness because it's such an important topic and one that I have had struggles with over the years.  I once had to write down all my resentments to do a step in a  program and I had 10 pages, single spaced, typed out.  My sponsor had not seen anything quite like it before.  To say that I remember everything is (basically) true.  I have some memory gaps due to a medical issue but for the most part my mind is like a steel trap door.

It's one thing to remember everything but it's quite another to hold onto it.  Yes, you know what I'm talking about.   The little resentment that festers, that grows until it's blown out of proportion and becomes a major problem.  Do not let the sun go down on your anger says the Bible.  To me that means, deal with each day's problems THAT DAY and do not carry them from day to day to day.  In other words resentment is not Biblical, not even sorta kinda at all.  It's just sin.

I hung onto resentments for years.  Some against friends, some against family, some against my spouse at the time, some against my kids probably too.  Resentments will eat you alive from the inside out.  They are like having a rotten gut.

So lets talk about the options.  The solution.  God provided it for us, it's called FORGIVENESS and He believed in the idea so much that He sent His only Son down to earth to die FOR US, for our sins, for our resentments.  Then He offers this gift of forgiveness out for us to have.  It's a free gift.  We can't do anything to deserve it or earn it.  It's just free.  I think the best things in life are free.  At least they don't cost ME anything.

So a while back I let some of my resentments go about my failing marriage and the other person involved.  I prayed and realized that I was really resentful against GOD more than against anyone down here.  I was indignant that the Almighty God I've served my whole life did not choose to fix my marriage but instead is letting me experience the natural consequences of sin.

I gave it to God.  I gave my soon to be ex to God too.  Heck I even prayed for any lady my soon to be ex is dating because if she's going to be in my children's lives I need her to be strong.  If she's to have a chance at a good marriage with my ex, she will need to be well, different, than me.

I'm so thankful and grateful that God gives me this amazing gift that I just have to reach for.  Forgiveness.  Forgive others.  Forgive God.  Forgive yourself.  I had to actually forgive myself for many many things.

After the forgiveness comes the amazing grace, falling from Heaven into the depository of our hearts.  God, I thank you for sending your Son Jesus to forgive my sins and I pray that You will help me to be more forgiving of others and more forgiving of myself.  Thank you for forgiving me as far as the east is from the west.  That concept continues to blow my mind.  How amazing.  Only God could think of that. Unbounding forgivness.

Unexpected Peace in the Middle of the Storm

Today I had unexpected peace.  I got up this morning and kept thinking "I can do all things through Christ" and DID.  I worked hard, dealt with my attorney on issues needing to be changed or added to the final papers.  I cancelled a meeting with a family member in lieu of having lunch with him tomorrow instead.  I'll probably have to cancel as my lunch hour is the only time I have to work on my legal case.  But the issue is with my family and they are important.

Sitting here tonight, had the hardest three weeks of my life the last three weeks.  I mean, I've had some hard ones in the last two years and the years before that.  It was hard, very hard, but instead of quitting I kept going and just gave it all back to God to control and run.

This weekend I realized that I'd lost the joy the Lord put in me.  But I regained it through the celebration of a life of an old friend who loved Jesus...and others.  I also regained it by laughing with my children.  By playing follow the leader in the cold autumn air at a local park.  By having frozen yogurt at a fun new spot.  By giggling, laughing, cooking together, cleaning together, being a family.  Being with my children brings me back to what's important in my life.  After God my life has been about them.

I've gained and lost friends recently.  I'm not sure I fully understand it but know that God is in control still.  I have behaved badly a while back and fear that I hurt some.  My tongue is such trouble for me.  I read James a lot.  Apparently not enough.  My tongue has gotten me into more problems over the years.  As recent as probably a week or two ago I fear that I said something and alienated a friend.

I'm sitting here almost in stitches because my cat is snoring so loudly and it sounds like a song.  It's really humorous.  I resonate with her challenges as I also snore badly when I do not wear my CPAP machine for the sleep apnea.

I figure that if God continues to work in my life at the pace that He has the last couple of years; well, the world better look out because I might light it up with passion for Jesus.  This has undoubtedly been the hardest two years, make that 5-6 years I've ever had so far.   I've gone from the despondency of being suicidal multiple times to the place where I'm at today, at the other end of the spectrum.  I've just clung to God, even when I was in and out of the hospital a few years ago with depression.  I knew that ending my life would be wrong yet I lacked the courage to live it.  I was overwhelmed by poor health, depression and the reality that I was living in an abusive marriage and did not know it.

So here I sit, many years past, seems like forever on one hand and on the other it seems like just yesterday when the children were born and I was a young mother who had the pleasure of being a stay at home mom.  Now I toil away, at a very hard and stressful job, still not quite supporting myself and I constantly wonder.  What am I going to do in another year?  The human side of me worries.  Then I remember that God, the same God who put all the stars in the sky and named them intimately cares for me and promises to take care of me.  I have had difficult financial times.  I'd had to choose between food and medicine a couple of times a while back but slowly I feel like I'm gaining momentum.  I would love a job someday maybe working with kids.  Of course my dream job would be to be a mom again full time.  I fear that I'll never have that again and that I'll only get to experience half of my kid's lives.  Divorce took away what I most cared about (my children) and I've had to fight to get where I am now.  I've learned how to work hard, work multiple jobs, how to take care of myself, but more than that, I've learned how to not take any single moment of my children's lives for granted.  Each day with them is a gift to be cherished.

It's 8:15 and I am ready for bed.  Might be God's way of telling me that it's time to turn in, go read His word before I drift off to sleep.

Lord I need more of You.  I need your peace again tomorrow as I work with my attorney.  I need your peace as I speak with my father.  I need more of you tonight Lord.  Watch over my children.  Send an angel to watch over each corner of their beds until I can be with them again on Thursday.  Protect us. Bless us with more of You.  Infect us with your love for others.  Lord help me to speak up to my friend at work who needs You Lord.  I want to lead her to you but I haven't.  Give me the courage and the words to speak to her.

Lord, please help me continue to keep my job and to be able to finish strong before I start my new position.  Lord I need your strength to make it through the end of the year.  Lord please provide for me so that I can move my things from our home into storage as I wait until Phase III.  Lord I need you to provide for my financial needs so that I can afford the moving team, the packers, to get moved out in the time the judge allowed.

Lord work on my friend's hearts so that they will want to help me if they have time.  I need a lot of help Lord and I feel so alone.  Lord, just fill me with more of You.

Until next time,

Not Your Basic Cream of Wheat Day

Amazing day.  Started out with Cream of Wheat with the kids for breakfast then baths, hanging out, lunch then getting all fancy to attend a memorial for a dear friend of my family who recently went to be with Jesus.

I wanted my kids to go to this memorial today for several reasons: (1) I wanted them to experience a memorial service of someone who was a believer in life and (2) I felt like it was important for them to share this with me.  One of mine tonight told me "mom I've never seen you cry that much."  To which I said "I cry all the time I just don't always show you."  Then we talked about how the human part of us misses people when they die but if the person who died is a believer in God, a Christian, that it is also a time for rejoicing.

I was amazed.  At one point during a praise song I looked over at my youngest and heard him/her singing along with every word to the song, and he/she can't even read yet!  It humbled me and also made me extremely proud.

I have had one of the hardest weeks of my life this past week.  There were times when I did not think that I literally could go on anymore.  I wasn't depressed or despondent, I was literally just worn out.  Worn down.  Beaten down.  Somehow, someway there is always enough grace for the next day.  I get just enough sleep to cope with the stress.

Some of my family are mad at me because of a question that I asked my soon to be ex spouse the other day.  I do not want to go back to him but I did need my question answered so that I could have closure.  Well apparently it made my mom so upset she could barely cope and my dad is having a sit down to talk meeting with me on Monday night.  I do not feel like I did anything wrong.  I needed the closure.  Now I have it and I can walk away knowing that I did my best.  How in the world can a parent be mad at you/me for doing that?  I feel not only that what I did was right, it was necessary for me to do in order to process the finality of the ending of this marriage.

I'm thinking: okay five minutes before I leave work I print out the divorce decree from the other side the other attorney emailed to my attorney who forwarded to me.  I get done reading these papers and then I get in my car and my parents cancel coming to my child's party today and cancel eating with us.  Because I asked my spouse if this was really the decision he wanted to make (divorce).  I did nothing wrong; I spoke to my mother with respect and I frankly resent the fact that I have to go talk to my dad about the whole issue.  I'm 39.  If I wanted to get back with my husband I would have done it two years ago, not this week.  I do not desire to go back to him or to the abuse.  I have been set free and I am free indeed.

So I'm driving home, after my phone call and receiving my divorce decree.  Thank God it was raining and took a while to drive to pick up the kids.  I was able to place a call to one of my sisters in law who talked me through it and prayed for and with me.  I literally did not know if I was capable of going on for another minute.  I'm not saying I wanted to die that's not it.  I was facing a weekend with my kids smack dab in the crux of the end of the divorce and my parents are mad at me.  I had had enough.  My boss was giving me grief because I requested time off to attend my kid's doctor's appointments.  I have 80 hours of time off that is legally mine to take and I requested about 10 hours off in the next month so that I can attend these doctor's visits.  My boss sent a veiled threat in an email and I had a half mind to take it to HR but then just took a lunch break, got some perspective, gave him the benefit of the doubt and just let it go.  I have responsibilities in addition to working (I am a single parent now) and that includes taking care of your children's health.

I swear I can't take one more thing or I'm going to snap.  So I pray.  I pray and I pray and I pray for more of God.  More of what He wants for me.  Apparently right now He has me going through the fire.  Watched a Veggie Tales movie with the kids tonight.  The verse was "I can do all things through Christ."  So I talked to my oldest about that and when my little one was brushing her/his teeth I asked her/him if he/she knew the verse and yes was the answer.  I said that it was a good one to hide in your heart and your brain...a good one to remember.

So tonight the same God who gave David the courage to fight Goliath and the same God who protected Israel protects me.  That concept rocks my world.  Lord I need your supernatural healing because I'm just worn out.  I do not think that I can face another day of the stress.

Lord I give it all to you.  I accept the good and the hard from You and I trust that You are caring for my hurting heart and for my children.  I give to you my marriage which is ending, I give to you my health (which isn't great), I give to you my job (which I am barely hanging onto), I give to you my children (who I can't have as much as I'd like right now).  I give to you my worries about being able to provide financially for my children.  Lord I pray that you would provide a job for me that would compensate me so that I can stand on my own two feet.  Lord I thank you for my family, although imperfect, You knew that I needed THIS family and that is why you had them adopt me.  We were chosen for each other.  So enough of the pettiness.  Life is too short to spend it being angry at anyone, deserved or undeserved.

Lord I life up the family of the man we honored today.  Lord we miss him but know that You have healed Him and he is in a perfect body, in perfect health, probably playing a perfect round of golf on the fairways of gold and emeralds.  Comfort his children Lord.  I listened to them today and was so touched by the maturity of his kids and their intense love for the Lord.  Lord, please give his wife comfort in a way that only you can at this time.  She is very brave.  They all are.  So tonight Lord please comfort them.

Lord I give you my life, again, tonight, to serve You.  Lord right now I feel like David facing Goliath and I feel like Goliath is winning and I'm scared and I'm tired and I'm lonely and I do not have the resources in me to cope with this level of stress.  So I beseech you Lord to keep walking with me and I'd like to give you the load I've been carrying around.  I can no longer do anything without you and so tonight again I just give it all back to you.  The hurt, the anxiety, the worry, the sadness, the loneliness.  All the ways the enemy has tried to use to defeat me, Lord I give them all back to you.  You alone are worthy to be loved and served.

I must sleep now.  It's 8:40.  I must sleep.

Another Day, Grateful

Another day has passed.  I did not die from stress although I had high stress all day.  My boss was giving me grief about requesting time off to attend my children's doctor's appointments.  Seriously.  I'm at the point that if I get pushed much more I'm going to blow up at somebody.  I do not want that to happen.  So I breathe, pray a lot and read my Bible.

I need to break it down into manageable parts.  One hour at a time, one minute at a time.  Until the next one, then do what is in front of me right then.  Keep working as hard as possible even though the stress and pain seems unbearable.

I should go to bed before my early riser gets up!  I've got one that's usually climbing into bed no later than 6 on the weekends.  Oh well.  I've got 10 minutes until lights out.

I've learned a lot about myself in the last couple of months.  I started to remember.  I started to remember who I really am.  Then I continue to read about who Jesus thinks I am and take that to heart.  The God of the universe, the one who spread the stars in the sky and named them all knows ME intimately.  There are not words for that.

Although I know it's not my time, I cannot wait to get to Heaven.  In Heaven I will be healed, in a perfect body with no aches and pains.  My body will be glorified.  I will worship at the throne singing Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come.  I cannot wait until that day. When I can meet up with those who have gone before me and we can rejoice with each other and with our Lord.  Won't that be great?  How long, O Lord? How long must we wait?

Come quickly Lord Jesus.

Grant Me the Serenity

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

-amen-

Tonight I need just a taste of serenity.  Please let the chaos stop so that I can have just a little bit of serenity. God I need the peace that only You can bring to my heart and my mind.  There's no relief from this chaos down here Lord.  I know that everything is in your Hands but my heart is tired and my body is weary and my mind just hurts.  My heart was broken long ago and not so long ago again.

Lord I want to just rest in your arms tonight.  I just want to be like a child huddled on the lap of her parent. I want to wrap my arms around you when I get to Heaven and I want to hear more than anything else I desire in this world "well done my good and faithful servant."

So tonight Lord could you give me more of You?  Can you equip my heart with Teflon so that I can let the hurt just roll off of me?

Lord I want more of you.  Help me through tonight.  Give me your mercy and grace tonight Lord.

Lyrics of a song

Tonight on my way home from counseling I was listening to a Christian song that had the lyrics "we are more than the sum of our mistakes" and I thought WOW.  We need to be preaching this off the tops of buildings.  We need to share the amazing and wonderful way God forgives us.  How amazing and how much love he had for us that He sent his ONLY son (can you imagine, mothers?) to die on a cross for our sins.

I am NOT the sum of my mistakes.  I have been forgiven, as far as the east is from the west, it says in the Bible.  I love that verse and cling to it.  When my past and the thoughts from my past and people are running their "tapes" through my brain, I just remember, I've given it all to God, asked forgiveness for my part in it all and I'M FORGIVEN.  Not kinda, not sorta.  Completely and totally.

Let that rock your world tonight.  There is NOTHING anyone can do that will ever again change the way I see myself because for perhaps the first time in my life I see myself as God sees me.  I am okay being me.  I like me.

Lately a thing or two has gotten my focus off of the truth in my heart and in the Word.  I am loved by God, blessed to be His and am beautiful inside and out.  There is not one thing any one person can do to me to change that fact.  For the first time in my life I'm okay being me.  It took a bit of a total overhaul of my heart to get to this place and a lot of prayer and input from people.

So tonight if you're not feeling so great about who you are, if you are a Christian, CELEBRATE because you are one of God's chosen, you're beautiful.  Just the way you are.  Not 5 lbs from now.  Not if this or that happens.  Right now.  You are exactly who God wants you to be at this very moment in your life.  That doesn't mean that He won't ask for change if something needs it but tonight just rest in Him.

Friendships, relationships are just blips on the screen.  Honestly it's going to take a lot more than a person to make me doubt who I am in Christ.  It's going to take a lot more than being treated unfairly.  No longer does my past have power over me.  I've let it go. Not going to hang onto it anymore.  God has given me new dreams in place of my shattered dreams.  (for those of you who haven't read it, go buy the Larry Crabb book "Shattered Dreams").  

I know my place, my purpose and my calling.  I am at peace.  Glory to God for that.

Closing Ranks

I'm closing ranks again.  Now is when I close ranks around my little family and focus on US.  Focus on loving them unconditionally, like only a mama can do.  I'm closing ranks.  This means people who used to be in my life are no longer going to have a role in my life.  I need to take care of myself and limit my exposure to people who are not helpful to me.

For me, I have nothing left to give.  I am tapped out.  I need to re-charge so that I can begin to fill refill me. I don't mean this in a selfish kind of way.  I have a responsibility only to myself and my kids to take care of myself, to serve at church, to love God with every fiber in me.

I'm just done.  I can't or won't go into details here but I'm done.  I've had one thing too many happen and now I'm out.

God's in control of my life, who comes in and out of it.  I've frankly got too much else going on to worry about anyone that isn't one of my kids or my family.  I just don't have it in me.  Seriously.  I'm on my last bit of energy and I do not have any more to give anyone else.  Is that selfish?  Maybe.  I think it's just called being responsible and knowing your limits.

This morning I cried at work, had to go outside to just let it out.  Then at lunch, I cried again.  Then tonight I cried most of the way home.  I spent some time talking to my sister in law which was good.  Now I am ready to rest....and chill out.  I just want to pet my furry kitty and hear her purr.

I am going back to my original dream: someday I want a tiny house built for three.  Me and my little people.  We're going to have flowers, a beautiful yard and a garden out back.  The house will be filled with love.  It will be the house the other kids want to come to.

Back to basics.  That does not include people who suck me dry then leave me for dead.

I need to go to the stream of living water and drink.

It's Raining Over My Head or "How to Learn to Love the Rain"

Discouragement is an understatement.  I can't even list what is going on in my life for fear that somehow someway it will be used in court against me.  One shouldn't have to think about every single word she says or writes down....or who will wind up with it.  That'll make you nuts.  I'm just saying.

What I would like to address tonight is the issue of honesty and how that affects both relationships but even your mere friendships.  If you, say, ignore, a friend for long periods of time, that says something.  It says you value other things and people more than you value that friendship.  If you're going to do this to someone, at least have the guts to tell this really good friend before her feelings get hurt.

Even here I can't write what I want.  It's extremely frustrating.  If I write what I want I risk losing a friend and I cannot risk that right now.  If I don't write what I need to say, at some point I will regret that.  So tonight I will consider the matter, think on it and pray about what, if anything, I am to do or say.

What I really want to do today is YELL, scream, cry, throw a hissy fit.  I cried all the way home from the movie.

Why not me?  Why not pick me?  Do I have something written on my forehead that makes people run away?  I want the same as everyone else.  I want to love and be loved.  Forever.  By one man.  For the rest of my life.

Heck at this point I'd just really like to be given the time of day which I used to have but don't seem to have anymore.  I'm not quite sure what I did and frankly I have enough stress in my life so adding someone to it probably would not be the best idea but I'm the type that once you find something special, grab onto it, and never let it go.

Says the girl whose husband is divorcing her.

So tomorrow I might have to change jobs.  AGAIN.  I'm so tired of change.  It's seriously stressing me out.  The worst part is that I don't have anyone to talk to about it.  I can't write it in an email because my goodness my every written word could somehow be evidence against me in court, so here I sit.  Utterly alone.

Nobody has any idea how I'm doing and again I do not know who to trust.  It's a horrible place to be in.  I have a few what I thought were good friends and some are and some are not turning out to be.  Such is life.

I'm tired of change.  In the last two years, I've had two employers, 4 jobs between the two.  I've moved twice.  I have a different vehicle.   I went from stay at home mom to single mom who is worn to a frazzle.  I feel like I make a step forward....then BAM something happens.  I mean, I know and have seen God's care and caring through all of it.  How He's just taking care of me now.

So in the midst of the chaos I stand, it's raining on my head, and I know that God's got the cloud right where He wants it.  He doesn't want to shield me from the rain, instead he wants me to learn to love rain.  To love it enough to be able to somehow rejoice while it's raining.  (only God could think that up).

Rubber meets the road.   I go to work every day with (I try) the attitude to "do all things heartily as unto the Lord."  So tomorrow I will walk into work, not knowing my future there and just pray that it works out the way my boss suggested it could on Friday.  I need that job, any job, and cannot afford to fall apart now.

So like I do when things get hard, I just give it back to God.  I'll cry and fuss a little first, then I will ultimately just fall on Him.  Right now He's all I've got.  (and a few really true blue people who know about this blog).

Faith is not easy.  But it's worth it.  Grace is amazing but it doesn't come cheaply.  Mercy is undeserved but our Savior died and gave us all.  God, I'm relying on you as my God, the lover of my soul, my companion, my leader, and the head of this family, to hold me together in one piece.

So if you are a friend, please pray for me.  I need more faith.  I need more of God.  I need to trust more and give my trust to God completely.  Pray that God will watch over me.  Pray that God will take care of my friend who also has a broken heart.

Missing my Little People

Being without my children for me is like hell on earth.  I know, in the big scheme of things there are much worse things but for me, this is the hardest thing that I've ever had to endure.  Sometimes the pain of not having them here is unbearable like it is tonight.  I miss them intensely.  A two minute phone conversation does not cut it for me tonight.  I want their little selves here with me, in our HOME.

Today I've been "nesting" in my new apartment.  I really want this place to feel like home because my last place was NOT.  I detested being there, it felt like torture because my home, where my babies were, was right up the street.  The nice thing about the new place is that everything up here is new.  New home,  new place, new place to make a life.

My little one asked me the other day if when we move from here will it be into a house?  I told him/her "I hope so honey but I don't know."  It is like the very thing that I want to provide for them (home of our own) is a million years away.  It's at least 5 years away.  By then my oldest will be a teenager and it will just be different.

New Day with New Grace and Mercies

I'm so thankful to have the weekend to rejuvenate.  I literally am tapped out emotionally, mentally and physically.  I'm the definition of weary.

The good thing is that I might be transitioning into a new job at my work.  (yeah God.)  Prayed a couple of months ago about it and asked God to provide a solution for the situation I was in.  It might be happening as early as Monday.  We'll see.

So this weekend I have to toy shop and decorate for a birthday.  Little one has a birthday this week.  Must be perfect.  Want him/her to love it.

My folks might come over next weekend.  That would be great.  Maybe I can include dinner.  Except my mom is allergic to cats.  I'll just have to clean good.  Not really unpacked yet but I don't care.  I can only do what I can do.

Glad to have a new day to start over.  Please ignore my last two posts.  That was evil stressed out me.  Saturday me is a lot calmer.

Until next time, I remain in HIS hands.

Addendum: or Can I have a New Job, Move and a Divorce please?

I'm just tired.  I want a little peace in my life.  Right after I found out today that my job might be changing (highly stressful I might add), I get a comment to the last post that came from left field.

I started this blog and have like 10 people who know about it.  I know who they all are.  Sure, it might have some random viewers but for the most part I've kept it small so that I could remain anonymous.  I've needed this blog as a safe place to write about all the things that I've gone through over the last two years specifically and more broader, about the last 5 or more years.  This blog is an outlet, a way for me to think through my feelings, process them, and move on.

My intention was never to hurt anyone's feelings.

I work in a job where people basically see me as the enemy all day long.  I'm in the middle/end of a very long and very very stressful marriage and divorce.  It has drained the very life from me at times.  So I have one place where I go to let it all hang out.  Here.  This blog.  Someday I plan to write a book about it all but for now it's just a blog.

If I even get an inkling that I am being treated in the same way that I was by the man I was married to, I will not be silent.  No, I don't broadcast every intimate detail of my life on here or my friends.  That would be a breach of trust.

I'm still going to post.  I'm going to be me.  I'm just an ordinary girl.  I do have a deep faith.  Do I live it out perfectly?  Absolutely not.  Am I the perfect mother?  Not a chance.  Is my heart pure?  You bet.  I have the best of intentions.  So if you have something to say to me and you have my email and I know that you do, please talk to me.

I am beyond tired and weary and broken.  I'm just a regular girl.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and it gets me into trouble a LOT.  That's the way God made me.  He made me passionate.  That is a blessing and a curse.  I can be passionately loving and passionately hating sometimes.  I'm so not perfect.  I'm just an average girl whose heart's desire is to be a good mom, employee, and friend.

I long for the same things everyone does: to have friends they can trust.  To love and be loved.  To be accepted for WHO YOU ARE (now) not who people want you to be.  To just be treated with respect.    That's all I really want.

So if you're the party that I hurt, I hope that you will brave contact with me again so that we can work through this.  Perhaps with some more information you might understand why I reacted the way that I did.  I think perhaps there is more to this story that you don't know but you probably should.

I'm just a girl.  I'm maxed out in the stress arena: just moved, have to move more stuff again next month, now I might have to start a new job, every thing I do is new.  I couldn't find a gas station on my way to work the other day.  I have a new grocery store.  I need to find a pharmacy that's close.  My job is freaking me out and I am not doing well at it at the moment and I used to rule the job.  Oh yeah, and in the middle of this my marriage is going to be legally over.  I've had two people in my life die in the last two weeks. So you might consider cutting me a little slack.

With that I am going to log off.  I need a vacation.  Or a really long nap.

My Deep Thoughts for the Night or Screw off

Done.  I'm just done.  I'm thinking that in order to get anyone's attention one needs to be skinny, blonde, have no kids and be in perfect shape.  Well screw that.

I am who I am.  I do not give a damn what anyone else thinks about it.

I'm just done.  I will not be used as the friend who listens to all the dramas and goes home by herself.  I have better things to do with my time than to be the Dear Abby.  I am not a dear Abby.  I am a human being myself with feelings.  My struggles are as important as yours are.  Not more important but on the same level.

I'm just done.  I'm sick of being with guys who treat me like shit.  Sick of it.  If you don't want to pay attention to what I'm saying when we're together then buzz off and go do something else 'cuz I have better things to do with my time than mess around and be treated as less than human.

That's pretty much what I have to say tonight.  I'm glad I have like one reader.  The bottom line is we're all pretty alone....a few of us manage to find someone.  The rest of us would just like to be treated as if they might have a chance at happiness.

I'm DONE.  I'm so pissed it's not even funny.  I'm not the fat friend that everyone tells their woes to.  I'm a human being.

So screw off.  You know who you are.

Dog Gone Tired

It's been almost a week since I posted on here.  I think that I was just talked out, worn out, weary and just dog gone tired!

This afternoon I was driving home asking and thinking to myself: why does God have me in such a high stress job?  I mean, I used to love going to work.  Now it is just too much to do, not enough time to do it in.    The pressure to keep up is high.

I don't know what God is trying to do in my life.  I mean, I know that what is happening is His plan but even after 30 plus years of loving Him I  still do not understand how this all is His plan.  I'm feeling frustrated, a little overwhelmed and confused.

I thought that I was ready to re-enter the dating world.  I thought that I might be open to that....now I'm not so sure.  I'm lonely but that is not a reason to seek out another.  Sure I'm red blooded American girl who longs for all the same things red blooded American males long for.  It's just that I've been so deeply hurt that I'm not sure if I could ever just put down my guard and be me.  I tried doing that recently but I fear even that was a failure.  I suck at relationships.  I probably even suck at friendships.

I feel like I barely have enough energy for my kids.  Add some pets to that, a new apartment, and a stressful job I have nothing to offer anyone.  I am just making it day to day.

So I am not sure about the male species.  I think that I should probably just be for a while.  Just me, myself and I.  I want someone to pursue ME.  I do not want to sign up on a lame dating site to make friends who might have the potential to turn into dates.  Been there, done that.  I'm not sure I want to do it again.  I think that God is capable of bringing someone into my life or maybe He already has.  I just need to be open to it all.

Tonight I worry not.  I plan to just lay on my pillow, be a vegetable and watch tv.  I'm just so tired.

Until next time,