Another day has passed. I am one day closer and maybe literally one day away from being divorced. Tonight I have put away the stressed out feelings and hurt and am just concentrating on the job at hand. Bottom line this was not my choice. I tried very hard to make it work. Now it's over and it breaks my heart on one hand and on the other my heart is glad to be free.
I'm going to be free again. Free again to be me. Free again to be the new me. Free to love again if God brings someone into my life at the right time. This is honestly the first time in two years that I can say that I am not closed off to the idea of my having another person in my life someday to love. That would be really great. I would do so many things differently this next time around. I want my next marriage to be the marriage for my lifetime. I want to grow old with my next husband. I want to travel with him when we're older and the kids are grown.
I want to do things I've never done, go places I've never gone, try things I've never tried. I'm ready for my future to start any day.
It is going to be an adventure but I serve a big God who cares for my every need before I know about them.
Here's to phase II God. Please bless it, bless me and my family. Goodnight and amen.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
My Monday Night Thoughts
It was a Monday. I took the biggest claim and spent the entire day working on it. The bigger and harder the claim, the more I am challenged. I like to see just how much money I can save our company while still following the rules and being fair to the person I'm working with. I like challenges.
I think everyone needs a fluffy kitty like mine. She just sits on the arm of the sofa by me almost all night. My other one lays on the other end of the sofa keeping me company. I never knew that I could be a cat person since my heart really is a dog person. I want a big golden retriever again someday. Someday.
I wonder about my someday. When will it start? Is this it? When the divorce is over can my someday please start because I've been in limbo forever and it hurts my heart. I'm ready to be happy again. I'm ready to trust someone with my thoughts and feelings. I think. Still hard to let people in but I know that I must. God has created us for relationships with one another. Some friendships, some are romantic, others are well, other.
I'm tired of being lonely. I hate it. I hate it so much. This thing has taken forever to get through. I know that it is all in God's time and that He is in control of my life. I want to be a real mom again; do real mom things like I used to. I want to help little people have good lives. I've realized that at my age most of the single men have been married before, most if not all have kids with their previous spouse. I had never really thought of the dynamics of blending two families together but God could do anything. Maybe someday I will end up loving on other people's kids! Who knows? I know that I am not opposed to the idea at all.
I feel like I'm old and set in my ways but I don't want to be old and set in my ways. I want to have fun. I want to be with someone who loves God passionately as I do and who is committed to raising their kids to love God. I want to marry a man who will LEAD me and my family. I want to be with someone I respect and admire. I want to be cherished and loved for the rest of my life. Is that asking too much? I'm going to be picky on the next go-round. I want to be married to the next man until the day he or I dies. I want to grow old together, holding hands as we walk in the park. I want to enjoy grandkids together someday.
God has put a desire in my heart and a hope for my future. I do not know what it will be (my future) but I know that I serve a loving and caring God who cares deeply for my soul. Surely He will give me the desires of my heart!
This is getting kinda long; well hey it's Monday and I have a lot to say. The next two days are going to be horribly hard and I'm going to need all the prayers that I can get so if you're reading this and you're a pray-er, then pray for wisdom, strength, courage and dignity. Pray for poise (I do not want to cry in the court room). Just pray.
I think everyone needs a fluffy kitty like mine. She just sits on the arm of the sofa by me almost all night. My other one lays on the other end of the sofa keeping me company. I never knew that I could be a cat person since my heart really is a dog person. I want a big golden retriever again someday. Someday.
I wonder about my someday. When will it start? Is this it? When the divorce is over can my someday please start because I've been in limbo forever and it hurts my heart. I'm ready to be happy again. I'm ready to trust someone with my thoughts and feelings. I think. Still hard to let people in but I know that I must. God has created us for relationships with one another. Some friendships, some are romantic, others are well, other.
I'm tired of being lonely. I hate it. I hate it so much. This thing has taken forever to get through. I know that it is all in God's time and that He is in control of my life. I want to be a real mom again; do real mom things like I used to. I want to help little people have good lives. I've realized that at my age most of the single men have been married before, most if not all have kids with their previous spouse. I had never really thought of the dynamics of blending two families together but God could do anything. Maybe someday I will end up loving on other people's kids! Who knows? I know that I am not opposed to the idea at all.
I feel like I'm old and set in my ways but I don't want to be old and set in my ways. I want to have fun. I want to be with someone who loves God passionately as I do and who is committed to raising their kids to love God. I want to marry a man who will LEAD me and my family. I want to be with someone I respect and admire. I want to be cherished and loved for the rest of my life. Is that asking too much? I'm going to be picky on the next go-round. I want to be married to the next man until the day he or I dies. I want to grow old together, holding hands as we walk in the park. I want to enjoy grandkids together someday.
God has put a desire in my heart and a hope for my future. I do not know what it will be (my future) but I know that I serve a loving and caring God who cares deeply for my soul. Surely He will give me the desires of my heart!
This is getting kinda long; well hey it's Monday and I have a lot to say. The next two days are going to be horribly hard and I'm going to need all the prayers that I can get so if you're reading this and you're a pray-er, then pray for wisdom, strength, courage and dignity. Pray for poise (I do not want to cry in the court room). Just pray.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
You Are a Treasure
I am now ready for my marriage to be over. Yes, I said that out loud. Do I wish this? Of course not. Is this going to happen anyway? Yes. So now I am faced with HOW to handle this. My wish and my hope is that I can handle this end with dignity and with grace. That is what I can hope for.
My heart is heavy but it is still filled with abounding hope. God is good. He has always taken care of me throughout my life. He will now too.
There is a time for everything and for everything there is a time.
God has set eternity in our hearts. He's given us this little hope of our future that allows us to get through difficult times like this. I've been through a journey with God over the past couple of years. At first I couldn't believe that God was allowing this to happen. Time went by and I got over my first feelings of anger and betrayal and then I just felt thankful. I was thankful to be away from this situation that was so unhealthy for me. I had been set free.
So as I walk through this very difficult week I look with sadness to my past but at the same time look toward my future with great hope and excitement. God has blessed me so much. I have much to be thankful for.
Listening to some great Christian music has uplifted me tonight.
You are a treasure worth more than anything under the sun or the moon. God's greatest treasure is the treasure of you. !!!! God delights in us. How cool is that? The God of the universe thinks that I'm the apple of His eye. God's greatest treasure is the treasure of you.
If you ever doubt how special you are to God, doubt His working in your life, KNOW that God loves you so very much and will care for you.
I've been set free. I'm free to become the woman He created me to be. Free to be her again. Free to give and receive love. I'M FREE! (that is the most amazing feeling, even despite the pain).
God is good. Hold onto that fact. Say it, pray it until you believe it. Believe that He loves you right where you are, in the middle of complex relationships, in the middle of relationships/friendships that are strained. Remember to always hold onto the knowledge of God's goodness.
My heart is heavy but it is still filled with abounding hope. God is good. He has always taken care of me throughout my life. He will now too.
There is a time for everything and for everything there is a time.
God has set eternity in our hearts. He's given us this little hope of our future that allows us to get through difficult times like this. I've been through a journey with God over the past couple of years. At first I couldn't believe that God was allowing this to happen. Time went by and I got over my first feelings of anger and betrayal and then I just felt thankful. I was thankful to be away from this situation that was so unhealthy for me. I had been set free.
So as I walk through this very difficult week I look with sadness to my past but at the same time look toward my future with great hope and excitement. God has blessed me so much. I have much to be thankful for.
Listening to some great Christian music has uplifted me tonight.
You are a treasure worth more than anything under the sun or the moon. God's greatest treasure is the treasure of you. !!!! God delights in us. How cool is that? The God of the universe thinks that I'm the apple of His eye. God's greatest treasure is the treasure of you.
If you ever doubt how special you are to God, doubt His working in your life, KNOW that God loves you so very much and will care for you.
I've been set free. I'm free to become the woman He created me to be. Free to be her again. Free to give and receive love. I'M FREE! (that is the most amazing feeling, even despite the pain).
God is good. Hold onto that fact. Say it, pray it until you believe it. Believe that He loves you right where you are, in the middle of complex relationships, in the middle of relationships/friendships that are strained. Remember to always hold onto the knowledge of God's goodness.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Normality
I feel like a normal person and it just took a piece of pie and an old friend to make me feel like who I used to be a long time ago. I miss her. She needs to reappear more and more from here on.
God is good. Tomorrow is Sunday school with the 2nd graders. Can't wait to see them. Must get some sleep. hee
I am about to start phase II of my life and it's exciting. (did I just say that?) I know that God has plans for me and I can't wait to see what they are.
Thank you for listening to me you faithful few who read here. If I can ever lend you an ear let me know. I've certainly talked and talked and talked over these past two years and my friends have listened and listened and listened. Now it is time to pay it forward (although I hate that phrase it does fit).
Some things to get together in my life....God will work out the kinks.
God is big people. His dreams are big. The dreams I have for myself might possibly be smaller than what he is dreaming for me.
Night all!
God is good. Tomorrow is Sunday school with the 2nd graders. Can't wait to see them. Must get some sleep. hee
I am about to start phase II of my life and it's exciting. (did I just say that?) I know that God has plans for me and I can't wait to see what they are.
Thank you for listening to me you faithful few who read here. If I can ever lend you an ear let me know. I've certainly talked and talked and talked over these past two years and my friends have listened and listened and listened. Now it is time to pay it forward (although I hate that phrase it does fit).
Some things to get together in my life....God will work out the kinks.
God is big people. His dreams are big. The dreams I have for myself might possibly be smaller than what he is dreaming for me.
Night all!
Ditched the Roses for the Ocean
I've tried some different templates for my blog over the last few days. The last post centered around red roses and my love for roses.
I changed my template. I feel like I've changed lives. There are moments when that feels good and other moments when that scares me to death! Although this isn't what I had imagined for my life God has my days all planned out and even my going through this horrible heartbreak and pain must somehow glorify Him. That is the only redeeming value. Oh and the fact that I'm way closer to my children than EVER before.
Weekends are so hard when the my children are not here. And yes I still have to call them children because you never know who's lurking. Although I have nothing to hide or apologize for the identities of my children must remain anonymous. For now so must I.
Today I rest, I clean, I prepare for next week's visits with the kiddos. I prepare for the end of my marriage. How exactly does one do that? It's been two years and I'm still not ready for it. I've seen what it's done to our kids and it pains me deeply. All I want now is for things to come to some sense of normal. As I call it, a new normal. For me it is better normal which is hard to understand if you don't know the whole story. Unfortunately you'll have to wait for the book for the full and open truth as it is not something for the internet. It's a private pain that I deal with in my own way, through talking, friends, family, my church, pastors, my counselors and God. Some of the ones before listed are helpful but only One has the power to heal - my God.
Sometimes I wish that I could NOT think. But I know that type of thinking can also cause problems. The desire to numb pain never leads anywhere good.
I miss my little people today. It is going to be a beautiful day and I wish that we could go throw rocks in the lake or find the tallest swings around and swing until we giggle incessantly. I want to make cookies with them and then eat then with a tall glass of milk. Okay so I'm going to have to wait until next weekend.
Why do people hurt each other so much? I mean, I know that I too hurt my spouse terribly but I didn't want to. I wanted to be married. I just wanted to be treated like a human being, like I was treasured and cherished. Basic things in a marriage. Except if you don't have it. The person I love more than anyone else took my heart which I gave to him and proceeded to slowly tear me apart, day by day, year by year, until the person who remained was a shell of the woman she once was. Well I happen to serve a big God who is called the Great Physician and He is healing me, He has healed me, and the person who is emerging, well I like her very much. She's stronger, wiser, and knows how to love other people more deeply. She's a better mother.
It's only 10 am and already the intense sadness is hitting. It's looking to be a very long day. If you're reading this, pray for me. Pray for safety and protection for my children until I get to be with them again.
I changed my template. I feel like I've changed lives. There are moments when that feels good and other moments when that scares me to death! Although this isn't what I had imagined for my life God has my days all planned out and even my going through this horrible heartbreak and pain must somehow glorify Him. That is the only redeeming value. Oh and the fact that I'm way closer to my children than EVER before.
Weekends are so hard when the my children are not here. And yes I still have to call them children because you never know who's lurking. Although I have nothing to hide or apologize for the identities of my children must remain anonymous. For now so must I.
Today I rest, I clean, I prepare for next week's visits with the kiddos. I prepare for the end of my marriage. How exactly does one do that? It's been two years and I'm still not ready for it. I've seen what it's done to our kids and it pains me deeply. All I want now is for things to come to some sense of normal. As I call it, a new normal. For me it is better normal which is hard to understand if you don't know the whole story. Unfortunately you'll have to wait for the book for the full and open truth as it is not something for the internet. It's a private pain that I deal with in my own way, through talking, friends, family, my church, pastors, my counselors and God. Some of the ones before listed are helpful but only One has the power to heal - my God.
Sometimes I wish that I could NOT think. But I know that type of thinking can also cause problems. The desire to numb pain never leads anywhere good.
I miss my little people today. It is going to be a beautiful day and I wish that we could go throw rocks in the lake or find the tallest swings around and swing until we giggle incessantly. I want to make cookies with them and then eat then with a tall glass of milk. Okay so I'm going to have to wait until next weekend.
Why do people hurt each other so much? I mean, I know that I too hurt my spouse terribly but I didn't want to. I wanted to be married. I just wanted to be treated like a human being, like I was treasured and cherished. Basic things in a marriage. Except if you don't have it. The person I love more than anyone else took my heart which I gave to him and proceeded to slowly tear me apart, day by day, year by year, until the person who remained was a shell of the woman she once was. Well I happen to serve a big God who is called the Great Physician and He is healing me, He has healed me, and the person who is emerging, well I like her very much. She's stronger, wiser, and knows how to love other people more deeply. She's a better mother.
It's only 10 am and already the intense sadness is hitting. It's looking to be a very long day. If you're reading this, pray for me. Pray for safety and protection for my children until I get to be with them again.
Friday, August 27, 2010
New Design?
Decided to change up my blog a little bit. The red roses are for how passionate I am about my flowers! Oh, I cannot wait until I get my own place again someday because I am going to have the most beautiful flower garden in the whole world. I cannot wait. Someday. Roses are probably some or one of my favorite flowers - they are beautiful and dainty. Like a woman's heart.
Busy day today with life, work, life getting in the way of work which doesn't work. All this and I get to come home to my kitties who love me no matter what. We three are on the sofa, chilling out and watching the boob tube.
Thankful today to have a good attorney who is looking out for my best interests. In a few days we either sign a settlement or the judge decides. I don't care either way. I hope we settle...it would be easier.
Today my thoughts were with an old friend who is going through hell on earth. I know the path he is headed for and wish that I could spare him from it. God will walk with Him, whether or not he feels good about God's involvement. I went through a period at first when I couldn't believe that God would allow this to happen to me and then I eventually thought "why not me?" We weren't promised to be immune from hurt and pain - we live in a broken world. When we marry, even as believers, we are two broken people. Sometimes one person's brokenness is worse than the other's and it comes between them.
I still don't understand why God is doing what He's doing. I trust Him but I do not understand fully. And I might not even understand while I am down here. That part is a little hard to wrap your head around. I've been through the valley where it was so dark I couldn't see where I was going. I wish that I could spare others this pain but all I can do is walk through it with them. I heard on the radio the concept of the gift of mercy....and it had to do with being able to offer mercies to another who is struggling. I believe that perhaps I might have this gift but do not know. If not I sure would like it. It would come in handy as I have friends who have recently lost relatives and it's hard to know how to comfort their hearts.
If you are happily married tonight thank your God for this. If you are not, know that God will never leave you or forsake you. He promised this in the Bible. Take that and put it in your heart tonight.
Until next time....I remain.....just a girl.
Busy day today with life, work, life getting in the way of work which doesn't work. All this and I get to come home to my kitties who love me no matter what. We three are on the sofa, chilling out and watching the boob tube.
Thankful today to have a good attorney who is looking out for my best interests. In a few days we either sign a settlement or the judge decides. I don't care either way. I hope we settle...it would be easier.
Today my thoughts were with an old friend who is going through hell on earth. I know the path he is headed for and wish that I could spare him from it. God will walk with Him, whether or not he feels good about God's involvement. I went through a period at first when I couldn't believe that God would allow this to happen to me and then I eventually thought "why not me?" We weren't promised to be immune from hurt and pain - we live in a broken world. When we marry, even as believers, we are two broken people. Sometimes one person's brokenness is worse than the other's and it comes between them.
I still don't understand why God is doing what He's doing. I trust Him but I do not understand fully. And I might not even understand while I am down here. That part is a little hard to wrap your head around. I've been through the valley where it was so dark I couldn't see where I was going. I wish that I could spare others this pain but all I can do is walk through it with them. I heard on the radio the concept of the gift of mercy....and it had to do with being able to offer mercies to another who is struggling. I believe that perhaps I might have this gift but do not know. If not I sure would like it. It would come in handy as I have friends who have recently lost relatives and it's hard to know how to comfort their hearts.
If you are happily married tonight thank your God for this. If you are not, know that God will never leave you or forsake you. He promised this in the Bible. Take that and put it in your heart tonight.
Until next time....I remain.....just a girl.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
An Online Prayer for One Who Hurts
Satan is in the business of wrecking people's marriages and he wants to wreck us and derail us. Tonight my heart hurts for a friend who is in a spot similar to where I've been too. Because I know how it feels my heart is heavy and my spirit bogged down and my eyes are a little teary too.
Tonight I had planned to go to bed early....but God needed me to log onto the computer tonight just one more time. So I did and I'm so thankful that I did.
I pray for wisdom for my friend, and for courage. I pray that God will walk with him through this horrible journey he is starting on. I pray that God will, if he doesn't have them already, bring Godly men alongside him who will speak both words of wisdom and practical words of advice. I pray that his attorney will be a good match with him and his style. More than ever I pray that God will put a hedge of protection around his kids, to safeguard their hearts and minds. Lord, watch over these kids and help them through what is going to be hell on them too.
Lord right now this man's faith is probably shaking some. Show Him your goodness in the midst of the chaos. Show Him that you are trustworthy. Speak to his heart. Lord I also pray for his wife that you would shake her out of this state she's in.
Lord I pray for health for my friend and that God will protect him in that way. God be with this person tonight and tomorrow as he faces a hard day. Give him wisdom but more than that, give him rest. Please allow him to sleep so that he can continue keeping his business and kids on the right path.
I pray all these things in your name. The maker and creator of all, the Great Physician, the great architect of all, the Prince of Peace, God of all. It's in YOUR name that I ask you to do these things for my friend. AMEN.
Tonight I had planned to go to bed early....but God needed me to log onto the computer tonight just one more time. So I did and I'm so thankful that I did.
I pray for wisdom for my friend, and for courage. I pray that God will walk with him through this horrible journey he is starting on. I pray that God will, if he doesn't have them already, bring Godly men alongside him who will speak both words of wisdom and practical words of advice. I pray that his attorney will be a good match with him and his style. More than ever I pray that God will put a hedge of protection around his kids, to safeguard their hearts and minds. Lord, watch over these kids and help them through what is going to be hell on them too.
Lord right now this man's faith is probably shaking some. Show Him your goodness in the midst of the chaos. Show Him that you are trustworthy. Speak to his heart. Lord I also pray for his wife that you would shake her out of this state she's in.
Lord I pray for health for my friend and that God will protect him in that way. God be with this person tonight and tomorrow as he faces a hard day. Give him wisdom but more than that, give him rest. Please allow him to sleep so that he can continue keeping his business and kids on the right path.
I pray all these things in your name. The maker and creator of all, the Great Physician, the great architect of all, the Prince of Peace, God of all. It's in YOUR name that I ask you to do these things for my friend. AMEN.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Pain in the Neck
What do you do when the Alleve no longer works to stop the ache in your neck? I guess that I am officially a pain in the neck? ha
Today seemed to last FOREVER. This morning I was so hungry that I ate a tomato a friend at work had grown. It was the best tomato I think that I've ever eaten. YUM. I love vegetables.
I do not know how I am to feel this week. Part of me is stuffing it inside because I'm afraid that if I felt what I really feel that I might come apart. I'm afraid the sadness over the finality of my marriage might make me extremely weak and horribly sad.
Part of me has peace that is amazing. I know this can only come from God. Thank you for praying. Thank you for caring. Thank you for listening.
I want to talk more but tonight I just need to rest and be at peace. Another night perhaps?
Today seemed to last FOREVER. This morning I was so hungry that I ate a tomato a friend at work had grown. It was the best tomato I think that I've ever eaten. YUM. I love vegetables.
I do not know how I am to feel this week. Part of me is stuffing it inside because I'm afraid that if I felt what I really feel that I might come apart. I'm afraid the sadness over the finality of my marriage might make me extremely weak and horribly sad.
Part of me has peace that is amazing. I know this can only come from God. Thank you for praying. Thank you for caring. Thank you for listening.
I want to talk more but tonight I just need to rest and be at peace. Another night perhaps?
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Thrill of the Game
Good day today, not busy but productive. I like those kind. Closed four things today (keeping this anonymous). I've started to realize that doing what I'm doing is fun but it's becoming monotonous....the thrill of the game side of my job is gone.
Boss is throwing more responsibility my way which is good and welcome. I'm trying to take on more and more responsibility so that I will be poised if there is ever a supervisory position.
This is a big week. Today I'm trying NOT to think about what is going on and what will be happening a week from tomorrow.
A week from tomorrow most likely will be the end of my marriage. Okay I am not going there.
Tonight I hold onto a good evening with the children. So nice. I have so many blessings. God has taken such good care of me that it is amazing. I live my life to honor Him. I sincerely hope that I can honor Him even through this divorce. I'm not sure what that looks like but that is what I am praying for.
Boss is throwing more responsibility my way which is good and welcome. I'm trying to take on more and more responsibility so that I will be poised if there is ever a supervisory position.
This is a big week. Today I'm trying NOT to think about what is going on and what will be happening a week from tomorrow.
A week from tomorrow most likely will be the end of my marriage. Okay I am not going there.
Tonight I hold onto a good evening with the children. So nice. I have so many blessings. God has taken such good care of me that it is amazing. I live my life to honor Him. I sincerely hope that I can honor Him even through this divorce. I'm not sure what that looks like but that is what I am praying for.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Weird Neck Problems
Good day, went by quickly. I hurt terribly this morning, like a horrible arthritis and the Alleve didn't even help. It was located in my neck where my neurologist has already indicated Cervical something or other. I asked her what that meant and she said you have arthritis in your neck. Cervical spondylosis. That is what it was called. So not good. I admit that I have popped my neck for years, so not sure which came first. I will never know. Now I know that I will have to take something for the pain. Alleve barely helps anymore. It's weird. I also know this arthritis type pain gets worse when I am under periods of stress.
Today some very frustrating things happened which tempt me to hold onto anger toward someone. If I get angry then that person "wins" so I have to remain calm and level headed. I just documented it and am now trying to let it go but that knot is still in my stomach.
Didn't get to talk to the kids tonight which also did not make me happy. Tonight I remain fixed on the goal. The goal at the end of this.
I need to unplug and let it go.
Today some very frustrating things happened which tempt me to hold onto anger toward someone. If I get angry then that person "wins" so I have to remain calm and level headed. I just documented it and am now trying to let it go but that knot is still in my stomach.
Didn't get to talk to the kids tonight which also did not make me happy. Tonight I remain fixed on the goal. The goal at the end of this.
I need to unplug and let it go.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Rounding the Naproxen Sodium bottle
Another day has passed and I spent it with my two favorite people. Have I told you they're short? It's true! They are the true blessing that came from my love of my marriage.
Big day. We did church and then had all kinds of fun today.
Tonight though we were looking at my rings, especially my wedding rings and I told one of my kids that I might have to get some petroleum jelly to get them off because in a couple of weeks we'll finally be divorced. Then a little hand started rubbing my arm and I got a hug. It was priceless. I told this tiny person that I was sorry that we had put them in this situation and that I know it's really hard but that I know God has a future for us all. I just shut my eyes tight and pretended not to cry. Little arm reached out and rubbed my arm with my eyes shut I know that he/she could see right through into my heart.
Tonight I am going to bed EARLY! It's been a wonderful weekend.
Must consult doctor to figure out why I feel like I have arthritis all the time. Something's up. I take more Alleve than I ever thought I would but it is the only thing that makes the ache go away.
So this little old lady is off to take her Alleve and then I plan to hit the hay. Tomorrow is a new day. God's got plans for me tomorrow. I just have to show up. Sometimes just showing up is all He needs us to do in order for Him to work in our or in someone else's life.
Short of working at church I feel like I have little impact on the world and on others. I need to find a bigger venue for my voice to be heard. Hmmmmm must contemplate how to do that. Tiny voice inside my head keeps telling me to WRITE A BOOK. Then I hear the other "voices" that tell me that I could never do that, who do I think I am? I haven't done anything amazing or accomplished a great feat or have any deep wisdom.
Yet it just keeps coming back to this book thing. I have a feeling that there are others who can relate to certain things that I've gone through who might want to hear what a normal, 30 something Christian female has to say about things. Deep and hard things. I just want my story to glorify God. I want to tell my story because I believe that it would be for God's glory, not mine.
Must go to bed now and ponder. Right after I go by the Alleve bottle. (hey you have to have a sense of humor at the fact that our bodies are all slowly dying). No that's not funny if you or someone you know is dying or has died. I just mean, from the time we are created, we are aging, moving closer to the day when we will be with the Father. When we will worship at the throne of our Heavenly Father, the great Physician. When my body which doesn't really work that good down here will be healed. Hey maybe my marriage will be healed in heaven! You never know. I'm not going to hold my breath on the last one. LOL
Good night to all and to all a good night. May you glorify God in whatever you do: whether that is being a CEO of your own company or that you are a stay at home mom. Both are needed and both are important. Whatever your role, do it heartily as to the Lord. That is your reasonable service.
Big day. We did church and then had all kinds of fun today.
Tonight though we were looking at my rings, especially my wedding rings and I told one of my kids that I might have to get some petroleum jelly to get them off because in a couple of weeks we'll finally be divorced. Then a little hand started rubbing my arm and I got a hug. It was priceless. I told this tiny person that I was sorry that we had put them in this situation and that I know it's really hard but that I know God has a future for us all. I just shut my eyes tight and pretended not to cry. Little arm reached out and rubbed my arm with my eyes shut I know that he/she could see right through into my heart.
Tonight I am going to bed EARLY! It's been a wonderful weekend.
Must consult doctor to figure out why I feel like I have arthritis all the time. Something's up. I take more Alleve than I ever thought I would but it is the only thing that makes the ache go away.
So this little old lady is off to take her Alleve and then I plan to hit the hay. Tomorrow is a new day. God's got plans for me tomorrow. I just have to show up. Sometimes just showing up is all He needs us to do in order for Him to work in our or in someone else's life.
Short of working at church I feel like I have little impact on the world and on others. I need to find a bigger venue for my voice to be heard. Hmmmmm must contemplate how to do that. Tiny voice inside my head keeps telling me to WRITE A BOOK. Then I hear the other "voices" that tell me that I could never do that, who do I think I am? I haven't done anything amazing or accomplished a great feat or have any deep wisdom.
Yet it just keeps coming back to this book thing. I have a feeling that there are others who can relate to certain things that I've gone through who might want to hear what a normal, 30 something Christian female has to say about things. Deep and hard things. I just want my story to glorify God. I want to tell my story because I believe that it would be for God's glory, not mine.
Must go to bed now and ponder. Right after I go by the Alleve bottle. (hey you have to have a sense of humor at the fact that our bodies are all slowly dying). No that's not funny if you or someone you know is dying or has died. I just mean, from the time we are created, we are aging, moving closer to the day when we will be with the Father. When we will worship at the throne of our Heavenly Father, the great Physician. When my body which doesn't really work that good down here will be healed. Hey maybe my marriage will be healed in heaven! You never know. I'm not going to hold my breath on the last one. LOL
Good night to all and to all a good night. May you glorify God in whatever you do: whether that is being a CEO of your own company or that you are a stay at home mom. Both are needed and both are important. Whatever your role, do it heartily as to the Lord. That is your reasonable service.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Waiting Upon the Lord
Kisses with gusto. That is what I'm teaching my little one who has always been timid at expressing his/her feelings. Tonight as I was doing my nighttime tuck-in routine the little one leaned over and kissed my cheek over and over and over again with GUSTO! It was so cute. I actually had happy tears.
God is good. I feel like I'm finally living. I'm through waiting for something that will never happen and now I am living each day, not mourning what could have been, but living in the here and the now. Living each day as God would have me. Trying desperately to remain honorable in a non-honorable situation. Wanting to honor God in the midst of hurt and horrible sadness.
Tonight I told one of my kids about how God has a plan for all our lives and that we just see a tiny piece of it but that He has all our days planned. That He knows the hairs on our heads. That even though we've been through something sad and hard that God has a plan for us, a plan to give us hope and a future. I pray my message sunk through the tiny noggin. For not the first time but close to it I actually believed what I was saying!!!!
I do feel like hope is in order. The next week will be stressful as we head to trial but God is big and bigger than the battle. God will be glorified in the middle of all of this. I will try very hard to act in a way that is worthy of the title of Christian. It will be hard. Last weekend I broke down completely, I was so sad. There was no one to talk to and I bore it by myself. Then I realized that I was not alone, that God was caring for me in a very real way.
I'm not sure what emotions I'll feel as I hear the judge read the settlement onto the record. I will have family there I'm sure which will help. After that I plan to be alone. I want to have the freedom to feel sad if that's how I feel. My family does not understand this component, they just think that I'll be free of someone who hurt me. They don't realize that I am letting go of the dream of the man I think God created him to be. He will now become this man without me. Our dreams will slowly fade and new ones will take their places I'm sure. Our plans the same.
I am unsure of my future. I'm constantly worried if I will be able to provide for myself, to make a way in this world. I might not currently reside in my own home but someday I hope to buy one and it will be filled with love. And my children.
Someday. Until then I wait upon the Lord.
God is good. I feel like I'm finally living. I'm through waiting for something that will never happen and now I am living each day, not mourning what could have been, but living in the here and the now. Living each day as God would have me. Trying desperately to remain honorable in a non-honorable situation. Wanting to honor God in the midst of hurt and horrible sadness.
Tonight I told one of my kids about how God has a plan for all our lives and that we just see a tiny piece of it but that He has all our days planned. That He knows the hairs on our heads. That even though we've been through something sad and hard that God has a plan for us, a plan to give us hope and a future. I pray my message sunk through the tiny noggin. For not the first time but close to it I actually believed what I was saying!!!!
I do feel like hope is in order. The next week will be stressful as we head to trial but God is big and bigger than the battle. God will be glorified in the middle of all of this. I will try very hard to act in a way that is worthy of the title of Christian. It will be hard. Last weekend I broke down completely, I was so sad. There was no one to talk to and I bore it by myself. Then I realized that I was not alone, that God was caring for me in a very real way.
I'm not sure what emotions I'll feel as I hear the judge read the settlement onto the record. I will have family there I'm sure which will help. After that I plan to be alone. I want to have the freedom to feel sad if that's how I feel. My family does not understand this component, they just think that I'll be free of someone who hurt me. They don't realize that I am letting go of the dream of the man I think God created him to be. He will now become this man without me. Our dreams will slowly fade and new ones will take their places I'm sure. Our plans the same.
I am unsure of my future. I'm constantly worried if I will be able to provide for myself, to make a way in this world. I might not currently reside in my own home but someday I hope to buy one and it will be filled with love. And my children.
Someday. Until then I wait upon the Lord.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Pray without Ceasing
Home is when the children are here. It is then that I am most at peace, I am in my element. I miss them passionately when they are away. Our evening started out rough with bad attitudes, fit throwing and more. Eventually I got an apology from my big one and a hug. It must be hard to go from one home to the other parent's home.
Tomorrow is special breakfast in the a.m. then grocery store with the kids. We are eating at home this weekend.....I already made my list, it is in my purse and I am ready.
Today was good. Went out for lunch and had a productive day at work. Closed three things today. Our boss mentioned that he is going to propose and incentive program based off of all the money we've saved the company when compared to last year - we are on track to save the company about 250,000 or more over the course of the year. And that is with a completely new department. I hope our boss is able to convince his boss (one of the owners) that is a way to compensate us for all that we do. We bust our buns for them.....and are paid poorly compared to what we should be paid. I am very thankful to just be gainfully employed and plan to stay as long as I can afford it and they still like me.
I am about ready to move in about two or less months. Freaks me out. I need to arrange a mover STAT. Hoping for family help but it might not happen and I can't count on that.
Lots of bills coming up....I still owe back taxes on my stupid alimony (I didn't plan that) for last year that I am paying off monthly. Then I am paying off a debt that I was left with and I'm almost done. Then I'm taking one of my kids to the eye doctor because I don't think that he/she can see very well.
So pray. Pray that God provides a way as He has so far. It's a daily trust thing.
Pray for my little family of little people. Pray that God will give me wisdom to know how to raise them up in the way that they should go. I am always teaching them something. Tonight we had a little hands on craft action. Little one was diggin that.
Pray pray pray without ceasing it says in the Bible. What is neat about that is that it give us insight into the type of relationship we are to have with our Heavenly Father - always talking to him in prayer about things happening in our lives and others. Like an open ended conversation with your best friend.
Tomorrow is special breakfast in the a.m. then grocery store with the kids. We are eating at home this weekend.....I already made my list, it is in my purse and I am ready.
Today was good. Went out for lunch and had a productive day at work. Closed three things today. Our boss mentioned that he is going to propose and incentive program based off of all the money we've saved the company when compared to last year - we are on track to save the company about 250,000 or more over the course of the year. And that is with a completely new department. I hope our boss is able to convince his boss (one of the owners) that is a way to compensate us for all that we do. We bust our buns for them.....and are paid poorly compared to what we should be paid. I am very thankful to just be gainfully employed and plan to stay as long as I can afford it and they still like me.
I am about ready to move in about two or less months. Freaks me out. I need to arrange a mover STAT. Hoping for family help but it might not happen and I can't count on that.
Lots of bills coming up....I still owe back taxes on my stupid alimony (I didn't plan that) for last year that I am paying off monthly. Then I am paying off a debt that I was left with and I'm almost done. Then I'm taking one of my kids to the eye doctor because I don't think that he/she can see very well.
So pray. Pray that God provides a way as He has so far. It's a daily trust thing.
Pray for my little family of little people. Pray that God will give me wisdom to know how to raise them up in the way that they should go. I am always teaching them something. Tonight we had a little hands on craft action. Little one was diggin that.
Pray pray pray without ceasing it says in the Bible. What is neat about that is that it give us insight into the type of relationship we are to have with our Heavenly Father - always talking to him in prayer about things happening in our lives and others. Like an open ended conversation with your best friend.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Radically Me
The state of the union. I am doing okay tonight all things considered. It was a very stressful day; no lunch until 3:30!!!! That is the wildest day at work yet. I swear I got 50 emails in the course of an hour. I like a challenge but holy cow. Tomorrow I am not doing a new one; I am going to work all my existing ones to see what I can close.
Tonight my heart hurts for a friend whose marriage is hurting too. God is good though and I believe that He will heal their marriage. I just have a feeling. Until then I will pray and listen and pray and listen some more. I will return the favor for all of you who have listened to me over the past couple of years and who have prayed and continue to pray for me.
I know that I'm stressed out when I'm almost getting hives!! The internal dialogue between my heart and mind is amusing. My heart longs for one thing that is not good for it while my mind tells me what is best for me. I choose to listen to my mind. What my mind says is verified by what my family and friends know of my situation. The heart wants what the heart wants. That is why we should not let our emotions run our lives. First comes the thought then follows the emotion. If I learned one thing in therapy for all those years it is that.
I am, day by day, building a life for myself. With some old friends and some new friends. With a new church that I totally love and love participating in. I get up every day and am faithful to my employer and put in my best on every thing that I do. I love my children passionately and want the very best for them. I am not thrilled to be a single mom but I am now. Now I need to be a single mom with dignity. Not perfection just dignity. And grace.
What would life be like without God's grace? There would be no meaning, no sense of purpose, it would all be for naught. I think it is amazing that our Heavenly Father cares about us so passionately that he knows exactly how many hairs are on each of our heads. He knows when one of his sparrows falls from the sky. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. People do you get the awesomeness of that? I want to shout it from my rooftop!
The next week to ten days is going to be hard. We are winding down and the divorce will happen very soon. We're scrambling to settle before meeting with the judge. Much remains to be settled. I can't believe that I'm going to sit there while the judge reads the settlement into the record and we both have to agree to it publically. What the heck am I going to do with those feelings? Am I supposed to go back to work after that? Not. I have a feeling that I am going to want to be alone. I know that I have counseling that night so hopefully that will be good timing.
I find myself smiling now days. At Price Chopper I like to smile at all the old ladies. I like it when I stop at Quik Trip that men open the door for me. That feels nice. It has been a while since I was treated like a human being and it's not bad! I see people around me at work who are hurting, whose kids are in serious trouble and who are just hurting and need Jesus. I could be the only Jesus these people will see. So I try to live in a way that honors Jesus while still being honest about the hurts and ups and downs of my life and my problems.
God is good. I say that a lot but mostly because it's true. Until you've seen the darkness of night you can't appreciate the light of His goodness fully. I have come from the dark into the light and there is healing there and peace. And people who love me even though I'm radically me.
Night all
Tonight my heart hurts for a friend whose marriage is hurting too. God is good though and I believe that He will heal their marriage. I just have a feeling. Until then I will pray and listen and pray and listen some more. I will return the favor for all of you who have listened to me over the past couple of years and who have prayed and continue to pray for me.
I know that I'm stressed out when I'm almost getting hives!! The internal dialogue between my heart and mind is amusing. My heart longs for one thing that is not good for it while my mind tells me what is best for me. I choose to listen to my mind. What my mind says is verified by what my family and friends know of my situation. The heart wants what the heart wants. That is why we should not let our emotions run our lives. First comes the thought then follows the emotion. If I learned one thing in therapy for all those years it is that.
I am, day by day, building a life for myself. With some old friends and some new friends. With a new church that I totally love and love participating in. I get up every day and am faithful to my employer and put in my best on every thing that I do. I love my children passionately and want the very best for them. I am not thrilled to be a single mom but I am now. Now I need to be a single mom with dignity. Not perfection just dignity. And grace.
What would life be like without God's grace? There would be no meaning, no sense of purpose, it would all be for naught. I think it is amazing that our Heavenly Father cares about us so passionately that he knows exactly how many hairs are on each of our heads. He knows when one of his sparrows falls from the sky. He owns the cattle on a thousand hills. People do you get the awesomeness of that? I want to shout it from my rooftop!
The next week to ten days is going to be hard. We are winding down and the divorce will happen very soon. We're scrambling to settle before meeting with the judge. Much remains to be settled. I can't believe that I'm going to sit there while the judge reads the settlement into the record and we both have to agree to it publically. What the heck am I going to do with those feelings? Am I supposed to go back to work after that? Not. I have a feeling that I am going to want to be alone. I know that I have counseling that night so hopefully that will be good timing.
I find myself smiling now days. At Price Chopper I like to smile at all the old ladies. I like it when I stop at Quik Trip that men open the door for me. That feels nice. It has been a while since I was treated like a human being and it's not bad! I see people around me at work who are hurting, whose kids are in serious trouble and who are just hurting and need Jesus. I could be the only Jesus these people will see. So I try to live in a way that honors Jesus while still being honest about the hurts and ups and downs of my life and my problems.
God is good. I say that a lot but mostly because it's true. Until you've seen the darkness of night you can't appreciate the light of His goodness fully. I have come from the dark into the light and there is healing there and peace. And people who love me even though I'm radically me.
Night all
Monday, August 16, 2010
More questions than Answers
Listen up people....the goal is NOT happiness. If it were happiness I'd scoot down to the closest liquor store and drink myself happy. As believers we are to strive for something way higher than happiness - God's will. I'm not talking about following Him in the good times. I'm talking about the clinging to my Heavenly Father thing. When your insides hurt so bad you wish for anything to change the way you feel or the hurt you're feeling. The goal is still not happiness. The goal is communion with our Heavenly Father. Deep, intense relationship with one who truly knows us and loves us anyway!
I am so blessed. Compared to the things my friends are dealing with the things I'm struggling with are a piece of cake. Young men and old friends who have cancer. People with children with developmental disabilities. People who have lost someone they loved. People who have lost hope. These are the very people Christ came to save. No, I'm not talking about a free pass from pain, I'm talking about the redemptive power of Christ's love for us.
We're not promised lives with no pain. In fact I would wager to say that the believer is on par with the type of pains those in "the world" go through. Our divorce rate in the church is the same. I would imagine the rate of sexual assault is the same. I know the rate for domestic abuse is the same. We're all the same. We are all living in this broken world. Sure, God can heal when and if He chooses but sometimes He wants us to honor Him in our pain. THAT is a calling, let me tell you.
At the very beginning of my divorce process I thought to myself: I just want people to see Jesus in me through this pain. The cool thing is that I've been able to meet people on a whole different level, a much more intimate level. Believers and unbelievers alike sharing their pain with me....for whatever reason they feel safe enough to do that.
Many years ago I wanted to be a counselor. It would be a great second career to have. Maybe it will just be a ministry. I want to teach young women how to love their husbands. I know, I'm not qualified on that one but in a way, I'm very uniquely qualified. God gave and then for some reason took away my marriage my safety net. The one thing that I put first in my life is now in pieces. I don't understand why God has done this or allowed it to happen. It is definitely as a result of my actions, or our actions as a couple.
I have more quesitons than answers. Each day I thank God that I have a good job, that it's fairly secure (at the moment) and that I've got good health insurance. What a blessing. There are many who do not have work so I am blessed beyond measure.
One thing I know tonight and if you're reading this and hurting, God is still good. No matter what the pain we're experiencing, it does not change the fact that He is immeasurably good. That He wants good things for His children. We are his brightest creation, the apple of His eye. Rest in Him tonight you with the hurting heart. I will pray that God will bring you rest.
night
I am so blessed. Compared to the things my friends are dealing with the things I'm struggling with are a piece of cake. Young men and old friends who have cancer. People with children with developmental disabilities. People who have lost someone they loved. People who have lost hope. These are the very people Christ came to save. No, I'm not talking about a free pass from pain, I'm talking about the redemptive power of Christ's love for us.
We're not promised lives with no pain. In fact I would wager to say that the believer is on par with the type of pains those in "the world" go through. Our divorce rate in the church is the same. I would imagine the rate of sexual assault is the same. I know the rate for domestic abuse is the same. We're all the same. We are all living in this broken world. Sure, God can heal when and if He chooses but sometimes He wants us to honor Him in our pain. THAT is a calling, let me tell you.
At the very beginning of my divorce process I thought to myself: I just want people to see Jesus in me through this pain. The cool thing is that I've been able to meet people on a whole different level, a much more intimate level. Believers and unbelievers alike sharing their pain with me....for whatever reason they feel safe enough to do that.
Many years ago I wanted to be a counselor. It would be a great second career to have. Maybe it will just be a ministry. I want to teach young women how to love their husbands. I know, I'm not qualified on that one but in a way, I'm very uniquely qualified. God gave and then for some reason took away my marriage my safety net. The one thing that I put first in my life is now in pieces. I don't understand why God has done this or allowed it to happen. It is definitely as a result of my actions, or our actions as a couple.
I have more quesitons than answers. Each day I thank God that I have a good job, that it's fairly secure (at the moment) and that I've got good health insurance. What a blessing. There are many who do not have work so I am blessed beyond measure.
One thing I know tonight and if you're reading this and hurting, God is still good. No matter what the pain we're experiencing, it does not change the fact that He is immeasurably good. That He wants good things for His children. We are his brightest creation, the apple of His eye. Rest in Him tonight you with the hurting heart. I will pray that God will bring you rest.
night
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Roller coaster weekend
I've missed you mom! said one little person tonight on the phone, anxious to tell me all about what they've been up to. I've missed you too! I say back. "So much!"
The older is distracted by whatever computer/toy game he/she was playing with that I barely got two words.
Tomorrow school starts. I'm excited for the potential for both of them. One I pray God will give insight into other people so more friends will become the norm. One I pray will have the insight into making fewer, better friends. I just mainly wish and pray for them every day. My thoughts are never far away from them as their drawings decorate my cubicle at work. I've got a ladybug, a rainbow and the first letter from one child to me via the postal system in an envelope made by the tiny fingers I love so much.
This has been a wild weekend. I've been all over the place. I've learned over the years when to do what and when to do other things. I've learned when I need more sleep and I've learned when I need to be around people and when it's not good to be alone.
I mended things today. Things coming undone. Play things. I can't wait to give them back to the kids, all put together. Won't they be happy? I smile just thinking about their faces.
Thinking about calling it a night. I've got to get up early tomorrow as it is a special day - to see my oldest march off to school. I hope this one's glad I'm there.
I'm rambling which is one way I know that I need to go to sleep. Night all!
The older is distracted by whatever computer/toy game he/she was playing with that I barely got two words.
Tomorrow school starts. I'm excited for the potential for both of them. One I pray God will give insight into other people so more friends will become the norm. One I pray will have the insight into making fewer, better friends. I just mainly wish and pray for them every day. My thoughts are never far away from them as their drawings decorate my cubicle at work. I've got a ladybug, a rainbow and the first letter from one child to me via the postal system in an envelope made by the tiny fingers I love so much.
This has been a wild weekend. I've been all over the place. I've learned over the years when to do what and when to do other things. I've learned when I need more sleep and I've learned when I need to be around people and when it's not good to be alone.
I mended things today. Things coming undone. Play things. I can't wait to give them back to the kids, all put together. Won't they be happy? I smile just thinking about their faces.
Thinking about calling it a night. I've got to get up early tomorrow as it is a special day - to see my oldest march off to school. I hope this one's glad I'm there.
I'm rambling which is one way I know that I need to go to sleep. Night all!
Brighter Day
Today was a much brighter day than yesterday. This morning I got to be with "my" kids at church, next we they will be second graders! Unreal. Tomorrow my oldest starts school. I need to remember to get up early so that I can be there, waiting. Even though tomorrow isn't my day with them I will not let this go by without sharing it with her.
I need to just make it through the next couple of weeks to a month. I need to give myself some grace and mercy and be good to myself. Lately the thoughts of self-condemnation have come back into my mind. My mind often tries to do me in...! Thoughts, long engrained, of not being good enough are what I struggle with. I only have so much energy and I have to choose what I do with it. Sometimes that means that certain chores don't get done but it always means that I pour my life into my children. THAT will never change. Right now whether the table gets dusted or this or that doesn't get done isn't as important as whether or not my children are learning about God, others and themselves. Working on our relationship. Learning to become this little family of 3 now.
I've treated myself to a pizza and it's on its way. Yeah! Yum. Lunch/dinner combo. Add some pop and it's yum in my tum.
Today I apologized for the way I acted yesterday (even though I still think that I was right) but did it for the sake of the relationship. Sometimes with family you make consessions.
I really just want to make it through the rest of the day, maybe do a load of laundry, I'm doing the dishes now, and then call my kids on the phone and their dad had better let them answer or have them call back.
Thank you, my mostly silent followers for listening to this lady being REAL.
I need to just make it through the next couple of weeks to a month. I need to give myself some grace and mercy and be good to myself. Lately the thoughts of self-condemnation have come back into my mind. My mind often tries to do me in...! Thoughts, long engrained, of not being good enough are what I struggle with. I only have so much energy and I have to choose what I do with it. Sometimes that means that certain chores don't get done but it always means that I pour my life into my children. THAT will never change. Right now whether the table gets dusted or this or that doesn't get done isn't as important as whether or not my children are learning about God, others and themselves. Working on our relationship. Learning to become this little family of 3 now.
I've treated myself to a pizza and it's on its way. Yeah! Yum. Lunch/dinner combo. Add some pop and it's yum in my tum.
Today I apologized for the way I acted yesterday (even though I still think that I was right) but did it for the sake of the relationship. Sometimes with family you make consessions.
I really just want to make it through the rest of the day, maybe do a load of laundry, I'm doing the dishes now, and then call my kids on the phone and their dad had better let them answer or have them call back.
Thank you, my mostly silent followers for listening to this lady being REAL.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Broken Phone Calls and Hearts
Things not to tell your daughter when she's two weeks away from a divorce:
Me: "I'm really struggling."
Them: "Why?"
Me: "Because I'm about two weeks away from my divorce being final and I'm struggling."
Them: "You should be out there celebrating. When someone beats you down you should be celebrating."
Me: "Well I will keep my hurt to myself. Please tell X that I love her and will pray for her."
END CALL.
I am alone and have no one. I can't even share the hurt of what I am going through with my parents and that hurts so deep it's unreal. Excuse me for having feelings. For expressing those feelings to someone who always has listened. Today he has had too much with all that has gone on so I will let it slide.
This is freaking unreal. I'm allowed to feel sad. End of call.
This too Shall Pass
It's ending. I sit here alone two years after he files for divorce. We're a couple of weeks away from our covenant being broken forever. My heart hurts like I've never hurt before. I wish that I could avoid this pain but I know that I have to move through the pain, experience it, learn what God is trying to tell me and get to the other side of this intense hurting.
He left me and he took the only two things I cared about, my children. I am bitter that I am the one with visitation rights. I hate it. I want my place to be the kid's home but instead it is not that way.
Having mixed feelings about love. I once loved so very very much and that is why this time of my life is so very very hard. To hurt this badly means that I loved intensely and that would be true. I still love despite all the hurt and meanness and other things. There is a small part of me that wishes that I could just wake up one day and I'd be back home with my family intact, happy. Then my job would be being a mom.
The worst part about getting divorced is the loneliness. I used to like to be alone because that is how I gathered my wits about me. Now i am alone all the time almost and the silence is deafening. I hear the cicadas outside my window and wish that I could fly away with them to the next spot, to the next place. I guess that I'm wishing that i could escape feeling this way. I also know these feelings are temporary and that they too shall pass. Or as my high school Spanish teacher would tell me "This too shall pass." For some reason I always found that comforting. It was like someone who had experienced hurt telling the new person, it won't always be this way.
So it's a rough Saturday night. Saw a good movie, almost made me believe in love again. Almost. I believed in love once and I shared my whole world with him and he rejected me. The person that was my best friend in the world filed a paper that required my moving out of the house, his keeping my car and our kids. I do not want to forgive him. I'm still very angry about what he did and how little I got to spend with the kids.
Someday this will all be made right. (heaven). Until then, we struggle and suffer. We flounder and flap about like curtains blowing around an open window. Like a ship without a compass. Only I have a compass and my compass is set to Jesus. He is my true North.
Someday maybe I'll be the one telling someone "this too shall pass." That would be nice for that would mean that I'm on the other side of this! Until then I remain my honestly flawed and openly honest person. Tired of those who don't want to hear the hurt. If you don't want to travel with me through this divorce then leave. I do not need excess baggage. If you are willing to walk with me and with God, perhaps He will and He has shown some of Himself to me/us. Come with me.....
He left me and he took the only two things I cared about, my children. I am bitter that I am the one with visitation rights. I hate it. I want my place to be the kid's home but instead it is not that way.
Having mixed feelings about love. I once loved so very very much and that is why this time of my life is so very very hard. To hurt this badly means that I loved intensely and that would be true. I still love despite all the hurt and meanness and other things. There is a small part of me that wishes that I could just wake up one day and I'd be back home with my family intact, happy. Then my job would be being a mom.
The worst part about getting divorced is the loneliness. I used to like to be alone because that is how I gathered my wits about me. Now i am alone all the time almost and the silence is deafening. I hear the cicadas outside my window and wish that I could fly away with them to the next spot, to the next place. I guess that I'm wishing that i could escape feeling this way. I also know these feelings are temporary and that they too shall pass. Or as my high school Spanish teacher would tell me "This too shall pass." For some reason I always found that comforting. It was like someone who had experienced hurt telling the new person, it won't always be this way.
So it's a rough Saturday night. Saw a good movie, almost made me believe in love again. Almost. I believed in love once and I shared my whole world with him and he rejected me. The person that was my best friend in the world filed a paper that required my moving out of the house, his keeping my car and our kids. I do not want to forgive him. I'm still very angry about what he did and how little I got to spend with the kids.
Someday this will all be made right. (heaven). Until then, we struggle and suffer. We flounder and flap about like curtains blowing around an open window. Like a ship without a compass. Only I have a compass and my compass is set to Jesus. He is my true North.
Someday maybe I'll be the one telling someone "this too shall pass." That would be nice for that would mean that I'm on the other side of this! Until then I remain my honestly flawed and openly honest person. Tired of those who don't want to hear the hurt. If you don't want to travel with me through this divorce then leave. I do not need excess baggage. If you are willing to walk with me and with God, perhaps He will and He has shown some of Himself to me/us. Come with me.....
Alone
Woke up today, really struggling. Missing my children, my family. I'm just a few weeks away from some judge decree-ing that we're divorced. How am I supposed to feel about that? My family thinks that I've had two years to prepare. What they don't get it that two years will never prepare you for the end of your marriage. Even if it was bad you still go through stages of grief.
I hate weekends. The ones where I'm alone seem to drag by.
I lost it yesterday and broke down and cried. In front of the kids. They drew me pictures to cheer me up. I have been so strong but yesterday I just cried. Felt about a half inch tall too.
I'm human. Today I just feel alone.
I hate weekends. The ones where I'm alone seem to drag by.
I lost it yesterday and broke down and cried. In front of the kids. They drew me pictures to cheer me up. I have been so strong but yesterday I just cried. Felt about a half inch tall too.
I'm human. Today I just feel alone.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Super Focused
Today was just a weird day. I think that I took my afternoon medicines in the morning....but it must have been okay because I was able to focus all day, even working on one project for six straight hours. It was odd. I took lunch at about 2:30. Very very odd.
This morning one of my children had brought back some shoes I just bought her, saying they were too hot, etc, wanting to leave them here. I made this child deal with the fact that I was sending them back in the suitcase. What I didn't realize is that this child was bringing them here to have something here at MOM's. It bothered me all day because it hurt my feelings this morning because of our miscommunication. On the way home I figured it all out. So I called this little person and spoke with him/her and we are okay now. I apologized and asked him/her if him/her just wanted to leave them at mommy's house. This child said yes. I felt so bad that I was so blind.
Tonight my heart hurts for some friends who are undergoing some horrible situations. All I can do is offer to talk and listen. I pray and pray and pray for people every night....right as I go to bed is my special time with God. It is when we commune together. I have several people who are on the list permanently until God heals them or they go to be with Jesus.
It's not even 8:00 and I'm ready to turn in. Dinner is baking in the oven. I've got to start eating at home, I need to change my life, buy real food, eat good for me food. If that means buying new pots and pans then so be it. When we move I want to step up my game around the house and with the children. I've got PLANS.
Chicken flautas, kitties and a lazy tv night. Ah, God is good. It is nice to feel peace.
This morning one of my children had brought back some shoes I just bought her, saying they were too hot, etc, wanting to leave them here. I made this child deal with the fact that I was sending them back in the suitcase. What I didn't realize is that this child was bringing them here to have something here at MOM's. It bothered me all day because it hurt my feelings this morning because of our miscommunication. On the way home I figured it all out. So I called this little person and spoke with him/her and we are okay now. I apologized and asked him/her if him/her just wanted to leave them at mommy's house. This child said yes. I felt so bad that I was so blind.
Tonight my heart hurts for some friends who are undergoing some horrible situations. All I can do is offer to talk and listen. I pray and pray and pray for people every night....right as I go to bed is my special time with God. It is when we commune together. I have several people who are on the list permanently until God heals them or they go to be with Jesus.
It's not even 8:00 and I'm ready to turn in. Dinner is baking in the oven. I've got to start eating at home, I need to change my life, buy real food, eat good for me food. If that means buying new pots and pans then so be it. When we move I want to step up my game around the house and with the children. I've got PLANS.
Chicken flautas, kitties and a lazy tv night. Ah, God is good. It is nice to feel peace.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Craziness
Life is speeding up again and I'm not happy about it. I need to take my time and smell the roses. If I had any to smell! I miss my roses a lot. Each and every bush that I planted. I planted 7 rose bushes at my old house.....and they are doing beautifully, despite their current owner's hatred of them! :-) I think it's cosmic justice.
Work is going really good. I've found my groove, and I've also been trying to step up my game, to compete for "top dog." I think that I already have it but I have to stay sharp.
So every where there is pressure trying to creep into my life. I don't mind responsibility but pressure is when you take it too far. What I do to combat pressure: I listen to Christian radio as I drive to work, on my lunch hour I listen to it too, different problems because I go at different times every day. I listen to the Bible Answer Man on my way home from work. Other ways I combat pressure: I get enough sleep. I take a lot of sleep and usually am in bed by 9:30 and sleep until 6:55! It takes me about 20 minutes to get ready for work then it's hurry to the job.....while I listen and learn about God.
When I first moved here I used to spend my mornings crying, my lunch hour crying and the drive home to pick up my kids for their "visit" crying. I've come so far or should I say, God has brought me so far. He has set me free. He has freed my head from the thoughts and feelings that tried to take my very life on multiple occasions. He has freed me to be the kind of mom I've always wanted and wanted to be. I have hope for the first time in a long time. Just two years ago I was despondent.
Two years of excruciating pain and unimaginable growth. It took one to have the other. I had to go through the pain to get to the joy. Now, with each passing day there are more and more days with joy and less and less days filled with unhappiness.
I have dreams and goals and yes, even hopes for my future and the future of my children. Only God knows the plans He has for my life but if God is in control then He can do amazing things through me, to me and for me. I literally wouldn't have made it through the last two years unless I had a real, vital and tangible relationship with my God. He has become my all in all.
If you're reading this then you're one of my trusted few that I have told about this site. If you're that important to me, then I ask that you pray for me and for the girl's dad. Pray that God would change his heart as much as He has changed mine. Pray that I can become willing to forgive him....even if we are no longer married I still need to forgive him for the past. If I don't forgive him then I am tied to my past and that is not my reality: God has set me free and I want to be free indeed!
To have weight lifted off of my heart that has been there, festering and getting heavier year by year - to have that be lifted by God off of me is an example of His mercy. To be granted loving children with good health is grace. To get to live another day - joy.
night
Work is going really good. I've found my groove, and I've also been trying to step up my game, to compete for "top dog." I think that I already have it but I have to stay sharp.
So every where there is pressure trying to creep into my life. I don't mind responsibility but pressure is when you take it too far. What I do to combat pressure: I listen to Christian radio as I drive to work, on my lunch hour I listen to it too, different problems because I go at different times every day. I listen to the Bible Answer Man on my way home from work. Other ways I combat pressure: I get enough sleep. I take a lot of sleep and usually am in bed by 9:30 and sleep until 6:55! It takes me about 20 minutes to get ready for work then it's hurry to the job.....while I listen and learn about God.
When I first moved here I used to spend my mornings crying, my lunch hour crying and the drive home to pick up my kids for their "visit" crying. I've come so far or should I say, God has brought me so far. He has set me free. He has freed my head from the thoughts and feelings that tried to take my very life on multiple occasions. He has freed me to be the kind of mom I've always wanted and wanted to be. I have hope for the first time in a long time. Just two years ago I was despondent.
Two years of excruciating pain and unimaginable growth. It took one to have the other. I had to go through the pain to get to the joy. Now, with each passing day there are more and more days with joy and less and less days filled with unhappiness.
I have dreams and goals and yes, even hopes for my future and the future of my children. Only God knows the plans He has for my life but if God is in control then He can do amazing things through me, to me and for me. I literally wouldn't have made it through the last two years unless I had a real, vital and tangible relationship with my God. He has become my all in all.
If you're reading this then you're one of my trusted few that I have told about this site. If you're that important to me, then I ask that you pray for me and for the girl's dad. Pray that God would change his heart as much as He has changed mine. Pray that I can become willing to forgive him....even if we are no longer married I still need to forgive him for the past. If I don't forgive him then I am tied to my past and that is not my reality: God has set me free and I want to be free indeed!
To have weight lifted off of my heart that has been there, festering and getting heavier year by year - to have that be lifted by God off of me is an example of His mercy. To be granted loving children with good health is grace. To get to live another day - joy.
night
Monday, August 9, 2010
Goodness and Gracious of My Heavenly Father
God is moving. He is leading and it's exciting! Tonight I feel good. Inside and out. I feel whole for the first time in forever. I know "whole" sounds all therapy-ish but it's really how I feel. For years I felt fractured into little pieces, broken inside and out. God has taken me from broken to whole in just two short but long years!
It seems like now things that were once overwhelming are easier than they used to be. I'm stronger inside - stronger than I ever was and it took great adversity to make me strong. It's brought about proven character and proven character has brought about HOPE. With a capital H.
I tell people that God is good a lot and I know that if you're hurting that may not be how you feel about Him. Sometimes when you're hurting you feel like He should be doing something different than He is. What is amazing is that He knew each day of your life before you even took your first breath. He knows the number of hairs on your head. He knows when one of His sparrows falls from the sky. How great is His love toward us. Toward us even when we were sinners, He sent His very own son to die for our sins. For us. Took our place. That still amazes me and I've been a Christian for quite some time now.
God uses people who show up. People who want to be used. I very much want to be used of God. Right now my mission field is equipping my children to live with their dad. I know that sounds funny if you don't know my history but it's necessary. I'm equipping them with good self esteems so when they go to school they will know what God thinks about them and how much they are loved by their mom.
Humbled tonight to talk with my family, far away as they were. Miss them a lot and wish they were closer. Good thing I have unlimited minutes.
Tonight I marvel at the goodness and graciousness of my Heavenly Father. He truly is all I need. He is the breathe and life of me, He is my hope and my tomorrow. He is my yesterday and forever. He's been there with me through some of the darkest times that I've ever been through. Times that would have crushed my spirit before now do not. God has rebuilt me, He's infused me with courage and is using me in the lives of my children. It's cool.
I must put down the computer. I need to go read some Psalms and be uplifted.
Night!
It seems like now things that were once overwhelming are easier than they used to be. I'm stronger inside - stronger than I ever was and it took great adversity to make me strong. It's brought about proven character and proven character has brought about HOPE. With a capital H.
I tell people that God is good a lot and I know that if you're hurting that may not be how you feel about Him. Sometimes when you're hurting you feel like He should be doing something different than He is. What is amazing is that He knew each day of your life before you even took your first breath. He knows the number of hairs on your head. He knows when one of His sparrows falls from the sky. How great is His love toward us. Toward us even when we were sinners, He sent His very own son to die for our sins. For us. Took our place. That still amazes me and I've been a Christian for quite some time now.
God uses people who show up. People who want to be used. I very much want to be used of God. Right now my mission field is equipping my children to live with their dad. I know that sounds funny if you don't know my history but it's necessary. I'm equipping them with good self esteems so when they go to school they will know what God thinks about them and how much they are loved by their mom.
Humbled tonight to talk with my family, far away as they were. Miss them a lot and wish they were closer. Good thing I have unlimited minutes.
Tonight I marvel at the goodness and graciousness of my Heavenly Father. He truly is all I need. He is the breathe and life of me, He is my hope and my tomorrow. He is my yesterday and forever. He's been there with me through some of the darkest times that I've ever been through. Times that would have crushed my spirit before now do not. God has rebuilt me, He's infused me with courage and is using me in the lives of my children. It's cool.
I must put down the computer. I need to go read some Psalms and be uplifted.
Night!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Foggy Noodle
Today I just felt as if I were in a fog. It was weird. I felt like I worked and worked and worked and didn't get anything done. I had almost no clarity and it was annoying.
I hope tomorrow goes good. I've been working really really hard all week.
I'm thinking that the stress of this pending divorce is just slowly leaching the energy from my body. Must go to bed tonight early so I can pray and spend time with God. Lots to pray about. Many people who need His help and presence.
To all who read you are the joys of my life, thank you for your friendship be ye near or far.
night
I hope tomorrow goes good. I've been working really really hard all week.
I'm thinking that the stress of this pending divorce is just slowly leaching the energy from my body. Must go to bed tonight early so I can pray and spend time with God. Lots to pray about. Many people who need His help and presence.
To all who read you are the joys of my life, thank you for your friendship be ye near or far.
night
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I remain His
Another day has passed. It was busy today at work which made it go by quickly. I was ready for lunch at 10 this morning! I tried something new for lunch - yummy vegetables. Good for me too.
Glad it's almost time to turn in.
I feel like all my creative juices have just dried up. ! (could be I'm just tired and worn out!)
Until tomorrow
I remain
His. The Father's.
Glad it's almost time to turn in.
I feel like all my creative juices have just dried up. ! (could be I'm just tired and worn out!)
Until tomorrow
I remain
His. The Father's.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Stepping Up
Another day. Another day closer but to what? Another day closer to moving. Another day closer to being single. Again. So many years after I was single for the first time. I have excitement about my future but it is still a little scary too.
Work is going really good which is a good thing. I have tried to step it up, challenge myself to be better, out perform my colleagues. He might not realize it but my goal is to out-do, out-smart and out-perform my colleague. If a leadership position opens up then I want it. I want to be the number one candidate for it. That is why I'm stepping up my game.
I'm tired so I'm calling it.
Work is going really good which is a good thing. I have tried to step it up, challenge myself to be better, out perform my colleagues. He might not realize it but my goal is to out-do, out-smart and out-perform my colleague. If a leadership position opens up then I want it. I want to be the number one candidate for it. That is why I'm stepping up my game.
I'm tired so I'm calling it.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Mixed Feelings
Today I am having mixed feelings. On the way home from the movie I just cried and cried as I thought about the fact that in about a month or so the judge is going to decree that we are divorced. My feelings are mixed because I know that I cannot live with the man I was married to until God changes Him. I just cannot. So I have to let him go, I have to say goodbye and leave him in God's care. But my heart will go with him. I gave it to him the day we married. He's trying to give it back and I don't want it back. I still want him to have it. (see I told you that I had mixed feelings).
Going through a divorce is right up there on the list of life's most stressful events. I should do research but I'll wager it's in the top 5 most stressful things. I feel let down, betrayed, unloved, hurt and broken. All because of one phrase "I wanted to tell you that I filed for divorce yesterday." That phrase forever burned in my memory like a horrific string of words that it is. That is when my world literally turned upside down. Every value I held dear, every thing and person I trusted was now suspect. I clung to the few people I trusted and I poured out my soul to them. Including my dad, my brothers, my sister in law, and a few really really good and old friends. You know who you are.
God is good. We throw that phrase around in church a lot. Think about it. Do you really really believe it? When your child dies from cancer, do you believe God is good? When you lose your job and you're one paycheck away from being homeless, do you believe that God is good? It is during those times when you are tested that your faith is tested. I have been through the fire and what remains is beautiful. It's gold. The shallowness of my old self is gone and I am made pure by going through this "fire" or trial in my life.
Loving God when things are going good is easy. Loving God when your world is falling apart is harder. Loving God when you are devastated at the state of where you are is true, unadulterated faith. I now have THAT kind of faith but it has taken 20 years of struggling. It has taken me recovering from being an alcoholic, it has taken me recovering from this illness and that, it has taken me being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and it took me wanting to end my life until I came to appreciate my life and the gift that it is. You see, I am worth something to God. He looked inside a long time ago and saw something beautiful and He has upheld me in His right hand every since. Through the darkness, through the depression that falls upon my soul like a daily burden I bear.
I mean, there are times when I feel true joy, but for the most part, I struggle with depression every single day of my life. They have me on good medications which help make me stable but I still struggle with the sadness that is inside. It's physiological, it is NOT a choice. I am a dichotomy - one half of me is this person who struggles what seem to be incredible battles and the other side of me is this person who now knows how much she is worth to God. It took me going through the fire to realize my own self-worth. To realize that all those times when I checked myself into the hospital because I no longer wanted to live were for a purpose. God was knitting together a history.
I've always felt like I was experiencing these struggles for a greater purpose. That someday, somehow, someway I will be able to help many people go through their own struggles too. That desire is burned into my heart. It is the desire of my heart - to help others. To be an example of what it is like to honor God in the midst of life's most difficult times. I just want to honor Him.
Going through a divorce is right up there on the list of life's most stressful events. I should do research but I'll wager it's in the top 5 most stressful things. I feel let down, betrayed, unloved, hurt and broken. All because of one phrase "I wanted to tell you that I filed for divorce yesterday." That phrase forever burned in my memory like a horrific string of words that it is. That is when my world literally turned upside down. Every value I held dear, every thing and person I trusted was now suspect. I clung to the few people I trusted and I poured out my soul to them. Including my dad, my brothers, my sister in law, and a few really really good and old friends. You know who you are.
God is good. We throw that phrase around in church a lot. Think about it. Do you really really believe it? When your child dies from cancer, do you believe God is good? When you lose your job and you're one paycheck away from being homeless, do you believe that God is good? It is during those times when you are tested that your faith is tested. I have been through the fire and what remains is beautiful. It's gold. The shallowness of my old self is gone and I am made pure by going through this "fire" or trial in my life.
Loving God when things are going good is easy. Loving God when your world is falling apart is harder. Loving God when you are devastated at the state of where you are is true, unadulterated faith. I now have THAT kind of faith but it has taken 20 years of struggling. It has taken me recovering from being an alcoholic, it has taken me recovering from this illness and that, it has taken me being diagnosed with bipolar disorder and it took me wanting to end my life until I came to appreciate my life and the gift that it is. You see, I am worth something to God. He looked inside a long time ago and saw something beautiful and He has upheld me in His right hand every since. Through the darkness, through the depression that falls upon my soul like a daily burden I bear.
I mean, there are times when I feel true joy, but for the most part, I struggle with depression every single day of my life. They have me on good medications which help make me stable but I still struggle with the sadness that is inside. It's physiological, it is NOT a choice. I am a dichotomy - one half of me is this person who struggles what seem to be incredible battles and the other side of me is this person who now knows how much she is worth to God. It took me going through the fire to realize my own self-worth. To realize that all those times when I checked myself into the hospital because I no longer wanted to live were for a purpose. God was knitting together a history.
I've always felt like I was experiencing these struggles for a greater purpose. That someday, somehow, someway I will be able to help many people go through their own struggles too. That desire is burned into my heart. It is the desire of my heart - to help others. To be an example of what it is like to honor God in the midst of life's most difficult times. I just want to honor Him.
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