It's Raining Over My Head or "How to Learn to Love the Rain"

Discouragement is an understatement.  I can't even list what is going on in my life for fear that somehow someway it will be used in court against me.  One shouldn't have to think about every single word she says or writes down....or who will wind up with it.  That'll make you nuts.  I'm just saying.

What I would like to address tonight is the issue of honesty and how that affects both relationships but even your mere friendships.  If you, say, ignore, a friend for long periods of time, that says something.  It says you value other things and people more than you value that friendship.  If you're going to do this to someone, at least have the guts to tell this really good friend before her feelings get hurt.

Even here I can't write what I want.  It's extremely frustrating.  If I write what I want I risk losing a friend and I cannot risk that right now.  If I don't write what I need to say, at some point I will regret that.  So tonight I will consider the matter, think on it and pray about what, if anything, I am to do or say.

What I really want to do today is YELL, scream, cry, throw a hissy fit.  I cried all the way home from the movie.

Why not me?  Why not pick me?  Do I have something written on my forehead that makes people run away?  I want the same as everyone else.  I want to love and be loved.  Forever.  By one man.  For the rest of my life.

Heck at this point I'd just really like to be given the time of day which I used to have but don't seem to have anymore.  I'm not quite sure what I did and frankly I have enough stress in my life so adding someone to it probably would not be the best idea but I'm the type that once you find something special, grab onto it, and never let it go.

Says the girl whose husband is divorcing her.

So tomorrow I might have to change jobs.  AGAIN.  I'm so tired of change.  It's seriously stressing me out.  The worst part is that I don't have anyone to talk to about it.  I can't write it in an email because my goodness my every written word could somehow be evidence against me in court, so here I sit.  Utterly alone.

Nobody has any idea how I'm doing and again I do not know who to trust.  It's a horrible place to be in.  I have a few what I thought were good friends and some are and some are not turning out to be.  Such is life.

I'm tired of change.  In the last two years, I've had two employers, 4 jobs between the two.  I've moved twice.  I have a different vehicle.   I went from stay at home mom to single mom who is worn to a frazzle.  I feel like I make a step forward....then BAM something happens.  I mean, I know and have seen God's care and caring through all of it.  How He's just taking care of me now.

So in the midst of the chaos I stand, it's raining on my head, and I know that God's got the cloud right where He wants it.  He doesn't want to shield me from the rain, instead he wants me to learn to love rain.  To love it enough to be able to somehow rejoice while it's raining.  (only God could think that up).

Rubber meets the road.   I go to work every day with (I try) the attitude to "do all things heartily as unto the Lord."  So tomorrow I will walk into work, not knowing my future there and just pray that it works out the way my boss suggested it could on Friday.  I need that job, any job, and cannot afford to fall apart now.

So like I do when things get hard, I just give it back to God.  I'll cry and fuss a little first, then I will ultimately just fall on Him.  Right now He's all I've got.  (and a few really true blue people who know about this blog).

Faith is not easy.  But it's worth it.  Grace is amazing but it doesn't come cheaply.  Mercy is undeserved but our Savior died and gave us all.  God, I'm relying on you as my God, the lover of my soul, my companion, my leader, and the head of this family, to hold me together in one piece.

So if you are a friend, please pray for me.  I need more faith.  I need more of God.  I need to trust more and give my trust to God completely.  Pray that God will watch over me.  Pray that God will take care of my friend who also has a broken heart.