Ditched the Roses for the Ocean

I've tried some different templates for my blog over the last few days.  The last post centered around red roses and my love for roses.

I changed my template.  I feel like I've changed lives.  There are moments when that feels good and other moments when that scares me to death!  Although this isn't what I had imagined for my life God has my days all planned out and even my going through this horrible heartbreak and pain must somehow glorify Him.  That is the only redeeming value.  Oh and the fact that I'm way closer to my children than EVER before.

Weekends are so hard when the my children are not here.  And yes I still have to call them children because you never know who's lurking.  Although I have nothing to hide or apologize for the identities of my children must remain anonymous.  For now so must I.

Today I rest, I clean, I prepare for next week's visits with the kiddos.  I prepare for the end of my marriage. How exactly does one do that?  It's been two years and I'm still not ready for it.  I've seen what it's done to our kids and it pains me deeply.  All I want now is for things to come to some sense of normal.  As I call it, a new normal.  For me it is better normal which is hard to understand if you don't know the whole story.  Unfortunately you'll have to wait for the book for the full and open truth as it is not something for the internet.  It's a private pain that I deal with in my own way, through talking, friends, family, my church, pastors, my counselors and God.  Some of the ones before listed are helpful but only One has the power to heal - my God.

Sometimes I wish that I could NOT think.  But I know that type of thinking can also cause problems.  The desire to numb pain never leads anywhere good.  

I miss my little people today.  It is going to be a beautiful day and I wish that we could go throw rocks in the lake or find the tallest swings around and swing until we giggle incessantly.   I want to make cookies with them and then eat then with a tall glass of milk.  Okay so I'm going to have to wait until next weekend.

Why do people hurt each other so much?  I mean, I know that I too hurt my spouse terribly but I didn't want to.  I wanted to be married.  I just wanted to be treated like a human being, like I was treasured and cherished.  Basic things in a marriage.   Except if you don't have it.  The person I love more than anyone else took my heart which I gave to him and proceeded to slowly tear me apart, day by day, year by year, until the person who remained was a shell of the woman she once was.  Well I happen to serve a big God who is called the Great Physician and He is healing me, He has healed me, and the person who is emerging, well I like her very much.  She's stronger, wiser, and knows how to love other people more deeply.  She's a better mother.

It's only 10 am and already the intense sadness is hitting.  It's looking to be a very long day.  If you're reading this, pray for me.  Pray for safety and protection for my children until I get to be with them again.