Sometimes when you're under stress you just get into this auto-pilot mode. I'm a lot like that with my job. Right now, I go to bed at the same time for the most part, then wake up exactly at the same time. I then arrive within 2-3 minutes of the same time, every day. I don't even realize how weary I think that I am. I've gotten really burned out at work, the thrill is gone, now it is just daily stress. I mean, work is and can be stressful. After all, we were banished from the garden and the result was that we had to WORK! So to expect it to be great probably isn't realistic.
I have about 3 weeks of intense-ness. I have court in about 3-4 weeks and I have to trust that my God will go before me to make a way for me.
Sitting here listening to Francesca Battestelli. I know that I've written about her music before but I really do enjoy to listen to her. I'm also really enjoying Sanctus Real lately. Both groups are great.
This is going to be a year of changes. I've already gotten a good start by all the change that God has done in my heart thus far. He who began a good work in me will complete it. There are more layers of hurt inside that just are painful to talk about and so I don't. I've managed to process through a lot of my things through the help of my counselor, my church, my family and my friends. I've one sister in law that would listen to me each and every time I call for as long as it would take for me to deal with whatever I was facing next. I am indebted to her for that.
This is going to be a year of changes. For the first time since he filed for divorce, my heart is open to whatever and whomever God will bring to it and to me. I might sound like a total softie but I want to have an amazing relationship with someone, for the rest of my life. I want to give my heart to another and have that feeling returned. That amazing connection that you have when God is a part of the relationship. That's how you know it's good and true, if God is the focus of your relationship. I want to be with someone who will lead me and I will follow, happily. I just want another shot at love and about 4-5 months ago I prayed that God would send someone to me.
I do not know what God has for me. I have my own dreams, that I would like to think are in line with what God would have for me but even my most amazing dreams are probably less than what God wants to do with me and through me and in me. Turning my life over daily to the One who hung all the stars in the sky. Believing that He can bring a man into my life who will love my somewhat beat-up heart and see through it into me.
Big dreams but then again I serve a big God. He can do anything.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
I Feel Like ME Again, or Finally!
Tonight I was listening to Sanctus Real's song "Lead Me" and I feel like it was the story of my life. I listened to the story behind the song which blew me away. On YouTube. It made me sad. I so wanted my husband to be a spiritual leader and he wasn't. I guess I was used to the man being that role. My dad is the spiritual leader of not only his marriage to my mom but of our family. So I was sitting here, listening to this song just an hour after my counselor told me that I seemed really happy. I was sitting here and the tears welled up and I just started crying again.
I seriously have been happier in the last couple months than I have been in many many years. God has changed me, from the inside out. I'm still a work in progress....there is much that still must change. At first, when this all happened I felt like it was happening TO me. I guess that I feel like it's happening WITH me. God has used my heart for Him to change me, from the inside out. He has created me to become an even better, more committed mother. He has given me courage, man, serious courage to face down what would have once leveled me. Now I look at the things I face with an attitude of "lets see what God's going to do!" The truth is, God has led me, provided for me, each and every time. Around every bend. In the dark times when I did not think that I could go on and in the times of extreme joy and relief. He was and is there with me for all of that.
Sitting here listening to Francesca Battestelli. I like her music; I relate and resonate to her lyrics.
I'm excited for my future. God has a plan for me....I'm beginning to see glimpses of what it might be and I'm very excited. One of the first things that I'm going to do is move to a new place next month. It will be a challenge because it will be smaller but I'm kind of looking forward to that too - less for me to maintain so maybe I can do it better and keep a more organized home. I would really like that and I know my kids would too.
I feel like my heart has come back to life. I think for many years my heart was fractured, even part of it was removed/pulled away. Disengaged. That is what happens when you step on my heart over and over for years. I pulled away in a self protective bubble, literally feeling like I was being attacked. Not physically, just mentally. My already fractured heart was then completely broken when my husband filed for divorce. It rocked my world, turned everything I believed about people upside down. I no longer knew who I could trust so my heart pulled in further, to protect it.
Throughout this time I kept going to counseling and I kept talking about all this "stuff" It was hard, I would often leave counseling feeling like I'd been run over by a pickup truck. Sometimes there were good things to report, sometimes hard things to report. Sometimes I didn't want to talk but I did anyway because I knew it was good for me. There were times that I felt like the only person I was really talking to was my counselor and one of my family members who will remain nameless but I love you! (smack-kiss)
How does one navigate through a divorce with grace? My only goal through this was to live out my life in a way that honored God THROUGH the pain and hurt. That even my brokenness could glorify my Heavenly Father. That was my heart's wish.
Part of me is scared, part of me is excited and a lot of me is happy these days. Yes, you will often find me laughing and SMILING, this act you do with your mouth that shows joy. I even smile a lot now. It's cool. I feel like I am getting some of what made me ME back. Funny, it has taken an old friend to remind me of who I really am. It's neat how God can use people in your life for good. And how Satan can use people to destroy.
Tonight I just have happiness. God is doing things. He's moving, can you feel it in your life?
I seriously have been happier in the last couple months than I have been in many many years. God has changed me, from the inside out. I'm still a work in progress....there is much that still must change. At first, when this all happened I felt like it was happening TO me. I guess that I feel like it's happening WITH me. God has used my heart for Him to change me, from the inside out. He has created me to become an even better, more committed mother. He has given me courage, man, serious courage to face down what would have once leveled me. Now I look at the things I face with an attitude of "lets see what God's going to do!" The truth is, God has led me, provided for me, each and every time. Around every bend. In the dark times when I did not think that I could go on and in the times of extreme joy and relief. He was and is there with me for all of that.
Sitting here listening to Francesca Battestelli. I like her music; I relate and resonate to her lyrics.
I'm excited for my future. God has a plan for me....I'm beginning to see glimpses of what it might be and I'm very excited. One of the first things that I'm going to do is move to a new place next month. It will be a challenge because it will be smaller but I'm kind of looking forward to that too - less for me to maintain so maybe I can do it better and keep a more organized home. I would really like that and I know my kids would too.
I feel like my heart has come back to life. I think for many years my heart was fractured, even part of it was removed/pulled away. Disengaged. That is what happens when you step on my heart over and over for years. I pulled away in a self protective bubble, literally feeling like I was being attacked. Not physically, just mentally. My already fractured heart was then completely broken when my husband filed for divorce. It rocked my world, turned everything I believed about people upside down. I no longer knew who I could trust so my heart pulled in further, to protect it.
Throughout this time I kept going to counseling and I kept talking about all this "stuff" It was hard, I would often leave counseling feeling like I'd been run over by a pickup truck. Sometimes there were good things to report, sometimes hard things to report. Sometimes I didn't want to talk but I did anyway because I knew it was good for me. There were times that I felt like the only person I was really talking to was my counselor and one of my family members who will remain nameless but I love you! (smack-kiss)
How does one navigate through a divorce with grace? My only goal through this was to live out my life in a way that honored God THROUGH the pain and hurt. That even my brokenness could glorify my Heavenly Father. That was my heart's wish.
Part of me is scared, part of me is excited and a lot of me is happy these days. Yes, you will often find me laughing and SMILING, this act you do with your mouth that shows joy. I even smile a lot now. It's cool. I feel like I am getting some of what made me ME back. Funny, it has taken an old friend to remind me of who I really am. It's neat how God can use people in your life for good. And how Satan can use people to destroy.
Tonight I just have happiness. God is doing things. He's moving, can you feel it in your life?
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Don't Sweat the Small Stuff!
I had a great night tonight. Got a lot of things done; felt good, no stress. Just fun, loving my kids and a little bump in the road but no big deal. Tonight I have to give my children back to God. I give them to Him for their protection. I want them so much.
I think that God will care for them. Still it is hard for me, as a mom, to not step up when something comes up. As a friend said "don't sweat the small stuff." Thank you to my friend for that good reminder. My problem is this is a culmination of small things.
Tonight I have to let it go. I am going to go to bed.
Tomorrow is another day. God will provide me with the strength to get through it.
I think that God will care for them. Still it is hard for me, as a mom, to not step up when something comes up. As a friend said "don't sweat the small stuff." Thank you to my friend for that good reminder. My problem is this is a culmination of small things.
Tonight I have to let it go. I am going to go to bed.
Tomorrow is another day. God will provide me with the strength to get through it.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Did this Day Count for Eternity?
Another day has passed. I feel like that at the end of every day. Did I make this day count? Did I do something today that counts for God's kingdom?
I lost my voice today, I just woke up and it was gone. I squeeked my way through work all day, managing not to get sick(er). I'm hoping it's some kind of cold.
I think that I'm going to call it a night. This blog can wait another day as can everything else.
Until next time,
I lost my voice today, I just woke up and it was gone. I squeeked my way through work all day, managing not to get sick(er). I'm hoping it's some kind of cold.
I think that I'm going to call it a night. This blog can wait another day as can everything else.
Until next time,
Sunday, September 26, 2010
FIL or Friends in Limbo
Being in the middle of a divorce while a Christian is a lot like being a leper back when leprosy required that you totally isolate yourself away from people. You don't fit into any group, you're not the young married, you're not the old married, you're not single and you're not divorced. You are forever in limbo.
Have I told you how much I hate being in limbo? I want to be finally free. Free to start my life over. Living in limbo has eaten at my soul.
I want to date and have it be okay. I want to meet some amazing man someday, grow in love with each other and get married. That would be great. But instead we have the equivalency of spiritual leprosy. Even though I did not want this divorce it often does not matter 'cuz in a lot of Christian circles they are closed minded and do not know the whole "picture" in my case.
So I am in limbo. I have another friend who is also in limbo. Apparently it is okay we hang out. I haven't heard about it from anyone about him yet. But we're not dating. Just friends. Friends in limbo. FIL. That is my new motto that I think that I'm going to have stamped on my forehead! Friends in limbo.
What's funny must be what God is thinking as I write this. Like any patient parent He is probably watching me spin my wheels, getting impatient when He has His own plans for my life which are on HIS timetable, not mine. He might not ever bring me someone to love. Will I still love Him then? Of course. Will it be easy? Not in a million years. Will I do that if that is what God calls me to? A hundred million times yes.
So here's to my friends in limbo out there. Lets join hands in solidarity of our situation, thank the Lord we at least have each other to lean on and go from there!
Those are my ramblings for tonight. Until next time.....I remain.....loved by God.
Have I told you how much I hate being in limbo? I want to be finally free. Free to start my life over. Living in limbo has eaten at my soul.
I want to date and have it be okay. I want to meet some amazing man someday, grow in love with each other and get married. That would be great. But instead we have the equivalency of spiritual leprosy. Even though I did not want this divorce it often does not matter 'cuz in a lot of Christian circles they are closed minded and do not know the whole "picture" in my case.
So I am in limbo. I have another friend who is also in limbo. Apparently it is okay we hang out. I haven't heard about it from anyone about him yet. But we're not dating. Just friends. Friends in limbo. FIL. That is my new motto that I think that I'm going to have stamped on my forehead! Friends in limbo.
What's funny must be what God is thinking as I write this. Like any patient parent He is probably watching me spin my wheels, getting impatient when He has His own plans for my life which are on HIS timetable, not mine. He might not ever bring me someone to love. Will I still love Him then? Of course. Will it be easy? Not in a million years. Will I do that if that is what God calls me to? A hundred million times yes.
So here's to my friends in limbo out there. Lets join hands in solidarity of our situation, thank the Lord we at least have each other to lean on and go from there!
Those are my ramblings for tonight. Until next time.....I remain.....loved by God.
Diving In
Sitting here, alone in my apartment, on my weekend without the kids. I'm fairly sure this is the first weekend without them that I've had fun. Even WITHOUT them. Grown up fun. It is an odd concept as my world was and is them but having friends as an adult is also good.
This is going to be a month of change, I can tell. I move to new apartment, might finalize divorce and am looking into the possibility of a new job. I'm excited about all three in unique ways. If you're one of my secret followers, pray that God will provide right job that pays right in His timing.
I'm sitting here dying my hair. I've wanted to do this for a year or more. Now is the time. No risk, no reward as a friend of mine put it. How true. I think that is also true in our relationships with other people and our children. No risk, no reward. You have to let yourself be open to risking being known by others in order to reap the reward of the joy of being known by them and still accepted. This has been the theme and hard issue of my life. So now instead of being hard I just give back to God and say "Here. This is yours" you do what it what you want."
Happiness has begun to creep back into my heart again. It's an amazing feeling. Foreign a bit but amazing nonetheless.
I want to move and burn my sofas and chairs. Seriously. But I can't afford to right now. For now they are going to have to work. I'm hoping that in the winter I can replace with more long-term sofa and chairs. We'll see.
I feel like I'm standing again at the end of that diving board, about ready to jump, but instead of fear there is mostly peace. That is nice.
This is going to be a month of change, I can tell. I move to new apartment, might finalize divorce and am looking into the possibility of a new job. I'm excited about all three in unique ways. If you're one of my secret followers, pray that God will provide right job that pays right in His timing.
I'm sitting here dying my hair. I've wanted to do this for a year or more. Now is the time. No risk, no reward as a friend of mine put it. How true. I think that is also true in our relationships with other people and our children. No risk, no reward. You have to let yourself be open to risking being known by others in order to reap the reward of the joy of being known by them and still accepted. This has been the theme and hard issue of my life. So now instead of being hard I just give back to God and say "Here. This is yours" you do what it what you want."
Happiness has begun to creep back into my heart again. It's an amazing feeling. Foreign a bit but amazing nonetheless.
I want to move and burn my sofas and chairs. Seriously. But I can't afford to right now. For now they are going to have to work. I'm hoping that in the winter I can replace with more long-term sofa and chairs. We'll see.
I feel like I'm standing again at the end of that diving board, about ready to jump, but instead of fear there is mostly peace. That is nice.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
My Thoughts on This Saturday in September
You know lately I've discovered that the woe is me's have come back. Today as I talked to a friend it was depressing even me. I've been in a funky state for about a month. Now is time to snap out of it.
This weekend I felt human again. I know, that sounds weird but when you've been holed up in this apartment for two years....it is nice to re-join the human race. Had a fun time going to a movie last night. I haven't been to a movie with anyone other than kids for two years. I felt like a grown up again.! yes, you can all stop laughing at me now. It is true.
Tomorrow is church and then NOTHING. I need to get some boxes and just start packing this stuff up. I am excited about move, even if it is into a tiny little apartment. I plan to make it my home. I might even buy curtains for this next place. Hold onto your hats, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, homey things are now going to enter my apartment. I just signed a year lease but most likely I will be there about 2 or more years until I hope to put a downpayment down on a home. (my dream).
Who knows? A lot can change in two years. So much has changed in the last two years....some good and some bad but my God works all things together for good for them who love Him. Even these horrible days of divorce pain I can use to glorify him through it. That's the bottom line. I want to live a life that glorifies God. Each and every day. I do not do that perfectly, so not even close.
Today when I was asked about my plans for my future I think that I said some of what I want but was afraid to say what I really want. I'm afraid to be vulnerable even if it is just to a friend. My sense of trust was broken in two when my spouse filed for divorce. At that point I began to mistrust anybody. I did not know who was really on my side and who wasn't.
Truth be told, I'd like to get married again. And I don't want to wait a million years to do it. I want to share my life with someone who holds the same faith as me, who loves me passionately as I do him. I want it to be equal. I am willing to follow as any good wife should and willing to submit out of faith, not because some evil person requires it of me. I want to follow someone, I need someone who will lead me. I'm a very strong person and personality and I'm not for everyone. I probably talk too much and am taken the wrong way a LOT. My heart is good, my intentions are good but execution sometimes is lacking.
So lots of things to pray for. Mainly that I make it through the month of October and live to see another day! ha
Night all
This weekend I felt human again. I know, that sounds weird but when you've been holed up in this apartment for two years....it is nice to re-join the human race. Had a fun time going to a movie last night. I haven't been to a movie with anyone other than kids for two years. I felt like a grown up again.! yes, you can all stop laughing at me now. It is true.
Tomorrow is church and then NOTHING. I need to get some boxes and just start packing this stuff up. I am excited about move, even if it is into a tiny little apartment. I plan to make it my home. I might even buy curtains for this next place. Hold onto your hats, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, homey things are now going to enter my apartment. I just signed a year lease but most likely I will be there about 2 or more years until I hope to put a downpayment down on a home. (my dream).
Who knows? A lot can change in two years. So much has changed in the last two years....some good and some bad but my God works all things together for good for them who love Him. Even these horrible days of divorce pain I can use to glorify him through it. That's the bottom line. I want to live a life that glorifies God. Each and every day. I do not do that perfectly, so not even close.
Today when I was asked about my plans for my future I think that I said some of what I want but was afraid to say what I really want. I'm afraid to be vulnerable even if it is just to a friend. My sense of trust was broken in two when my spouse filed for divorce. At that point I began to mistrust anybody. I did not know who was really on my side and who wasn't.
Truth be told, I'd like to get married again. And I don't want to wait a million years to do it. I want to share my life with someone who holds the same faith as me, who loves me passionately as I do him. I want it to be equal. I am willing to follow as any good wife should and willing to submit out of faith, not because some evil person requires it of me. I want to follow someone, I need someone who will lead me. I'm a very strong person and personality and I'm not for everyone. I probably talk too much and am taken the wrong way a LOT. My heart is good, my intentions are good but execution sometimes is lacking.
So lots of things to pray for. Mainly that I make it through the month of October and live to see another day! ha
Night all
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Can I have another chance at love
Good hectic morning at work then we had power outages this afternoon which they let us go home. I just hope they pay for it. Better.
Had a fun afternoon; surprised a friend where he works, got to meet/re-meet his family. Very nice people.
Then it was racing home to get milk and eggs on the way home..then picking up kids and making dinner despite yelling and just unruly behavior. After dinner I decided to make brownie/cookie things that we picked out at the store the other day. They smell good. Started them so late the kids can't have them until tomorrow in their lunches....which is a good thing.
I am hanging out, surfing the net on my OWN internet connection and it RULES. I'm head over heels for my internet access. Ha
Tonight I am thankful for the friends I have, the family who supports me, the possibility of hope and a future. I am thankful that God has given me dreams and hopefully someday He will bring them to completion. They involve a home, a yard with beautiful roses and flowers. A home full of love and kids. A home where my husband and I are crazy for each other and committed to each other forever. FOREVER. I want a marriage that sticks, one where both parties know that divorce is not an option, ever.
I dream of a home where love abides. Where children play. Where there is giggling by both little people and big people. Where we live together all together, as one. Where this husband of mine and I are one. One in dreams, one in spirit, one in body.
I feel like I've been jipped. I signed on for life and got a few years. That is unfair. It was not what I dreamed my whole life for. I dreamed of being treated with kindness but instead was treated unkindly. I dreamed of being cherished but instead was treated with disdain. I dreamed of a house full of kids and that was cut short.
Bottom line my dreams were cut short. I sit here, starting over. Choosing to not live in bitterness. Choosing to live instead for my Lord. For my children. For them I get out of bed when my body feels like I am dying and work with mean people all day long. For them I will do anything. And do.
I just want another chance at love.
Had a fun afternoon; surprised a friend where he works, got to meet/re-meet his family. Very nice people.
Then it was racing home to get milk and eggs on the way home..then picking up kids and making dinner despite yelling and just unruly behavior. After dinner I decided to make brownie/cookie things that we picked out at the store the other day. They smell good. Started them so late the kids can't have them until tomorrow in their lunches....which is a good thing.
I am hanging out, surfing the net on my OWN internet connection and it RULES. I'm head over heels for my internet access. Ha
Tonight I am thankful for the friends I have, the family who supports me, the possibility of hope and a future. I am thankful that God has given me dreams and hopefully someday He will bring them to completion. They involve a home, a yard with beautiful roses and flowers. A home full of love and kids. A home where my husband and I are crazy for each other and committed to each other forever. FOREVER. I want a marriage that sticks, one where both parties know that divorce is not an option, ever.
I dream of a home where love abides. Where children play. Where there is giggling by both little people and big people. Where we live together all together, as one. Where this husband of mine and I are one. One in dreams, one in spirit, one in body.
I feel like I've been jipped. I signed on for life and got a few years. That is unfair. It was not what I dreamed my whole life for. I dreamed of being treated with kindness but instead was treated unkindly. I dreamed of being cherished but instead was treated with disdain. I dreamed of a house full of kids and that was cut short.
Bottom line my dreams were cut short. I sit here, starting over. Choosing to not live in bitterness. Choosing to live instead for my Lord. For my children. For them I get out of bed when my body feels like I am dying and work with mean people all day long. For them I will do anything. And do.
I just want another chance at love.
Monday, September 20, 2010
My God Will Supply ALL My Needs
I had an okay day today. This morning my stress was high but once I got into my zone I actually got a lot done. I closed three claims today and opened three, almost four today. I managed to NOT make my angriest military member angrier today which is a definite bonus as he already went to my boss. (not good...boss was nice about it...only person I've ever had to talk to him about.). Boss said he knew about it for two days before I even brought it to him! I'm not sure that is good or bad. I know he trusts my judgement. Still it was humiliating to admit that I've screwed up with a member. Oh well I think it just shows that I'm human. Given my level of stress last week it's amazing I didn't tell that guy (not my boss, the other guy) where to go because I SO WANTED TO.
Today I was both excited about my new life and sad about my old life. I wonder, will I ever quit being sad about old life and fully immerse myself into new life? When will I let myself be happy, take myself off the hook, quit blaming myself even a little bit? This, like taking off my wedding ring is a decision that I get to make. I can decide it's time. So what is that so darn scary? Because it's new territory. I've lived looking back for two years and now I want to look forward to my new life. I so hope that my new life includes love. I long to love and be loved. To be cherished and to cherish another. To have that once in a lifetime connection happen....again. So a twice in a lifetime connection maybe. ha.
The bottom line is that I have been blessed beyond measure in my life. My God has supplied for my every need and still continues to supply my every need. When the stress of life creeps up on me, I need to remember that it's God who is running this show. When I wonder how I can manage to arrange and pay for upcoming things I need to remember that my God knows the name of every star He created and decorated the night sky with. That He knows each and every side hair on my head. This Creator can manage to help me through the next month of my pitiful and very small life.
My God will supply all my needs. I need reminding of that tonight. Even if those needs include love. He too can supply that for me in His own timing. (hurry up Lord! )
I feel completely inadequate to live up to my responsibilities sometimes. The weight of being a single mom is weighing heavily on my heart tonight. My heart is also heavy for a friend who is struggling through a divorce. Sometimes to be a friend you just have to listen and listen and listen. I plan to listen until he feels better. However long that takes. I've had people do it for me.....so now it is my turn to do for others.
Today I was both excited about my new life and sad about my old life. I wonder, will I ever quit being sad about old life and fully immerse myself into new life? When will I let myself be happy, take myself off the hook, quit blaming myself even a little bit? This, like taking off my wedding ring is a decision that I get to make. I can decide it's time. So what is that so darn scary? Because it's new territory. I've lived looking back for two years and now I want to look forward to my new life. I so hope that my new life includes love. I long to love and be loved. To be cherished and to cherish another. To have that once in a lifetime connection happen....again. So a twice in a lifetime connection maybe. ha.
The bottom line is that I have been blessed beyond measure in my life. My God has supplied for my every need and still continues to supply my every need. When the stress of life creeps up on me, I need to remember that it's God who is running this show. When I wonder how I can manage to arrange and pay for upcoming things I need to remember that my God knows the name of every star He created and decorated the night sky with. That He knows each and every side hair on my head. This Creator can manage to help me through the next month of my pitiful and very small life.
My God will supply all my needs. I need reminding of that tonight. Even if those needs include love. He too can supply that for me in His own timing. (hurry up Lord! )
I feel completely inadequate to live up to my responsibilities sometimes. The weight of being a single mom is weighing heavily on my heart tonight. My heart is also heavy for a friend who is struggling through a divorce. Sometimes to be a friend you just have to listen and listen and listen. I plan to listen until he feels better. However long that takes. I've had people do it for me.....so now it is my turn to do for others.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
In the Trenches
Do you ever have those weekends when you feel you're in the trenches of parenting? This was one of those weekends for me. I felt like I was in the trenches. You know, the times when you want to pull out your hair and cry or laugh, you're not sure which? Kids pushing their limits, causing mom to set the boundaries and consequences.
Today was a great day. I served the second graders at church by helping a little. Our regular teacher was gone and I served with some nice people. Then I was able to participate in the parent/child dedication with the kids. It was amazing and special and neat. People probably thought that we were weird because the kids were older but this was my way of asking the church, my family and people there to help me raise my kids up in the Lord. I had a brief moment when I wished that I wasn't standing there alone, that I was standing their with their dad but that moment quickly passed as I realize that I am now the spiritual leader in our home. That situation is not how I envisioned it.
I've begun to realize lately that what little ties held me to the kid's dad are all but gone and in a couple of weeks will be gone completely. I'm ready to start again, so ready to meet people, develop friendships and if God would have it in my future, marry again. My dream is being a stay at home mom again. I'd like to be a full time mom even if I just have my own kids part time. Maybe I'll inherit kids if I marry again and have step children. I hate the word step children it sounds so evil and not loved. If I marry then my husband's children will be as my own and I will love them and do for them the same. Honestly I think it would be a slight adjustment, okay a major adjustment, but I really am open to whatever God will have for me. I had always wanted a big family, maybe I'll marry into one.
Tonight I learned my little one has told all his/her friends about Jesus and about how to go to Heaven while at recess. How cool is that? So neat to see God working in little people's lives. Makes me feel both humbled and proud at the same time. So proud to be his/her momma. Made me so excited because the kids really are picking up what they hear at church and what I tell them about God in our every day life. Super cool night.
I'm tired. Will go to bed early. Slept horrible last night but made it. Early morning in the am. and we have to get up early tomorrow for school. I've got lunches made except for sandwiches which I will do in the a.m.
Trying to get kids to bed early tonight as they seem tired tonight. Big, wonderful day to celebrate.
Happy momma tonight. Wish they didn't have to go back to their dad's. I like them HERE. I can't deal with the fact that I may have to share them 50/50 with their dad for their whole life. They want to be here. They've said so. Now to trust God to work it out.
Lord I give my children to you tonight. I give you my role as mother. Please shape me into a person more like You. I need more patience and I need a tongue that is under control. Please help me to have wisdom Lord. Wisdom from above.
Today was a great day. I served the second graders at church by helping a little. Our regular teacher was gone and I served with some nice people. Then I was able to participate in the parent/child dedication with the kids. It was amazing and special and neat. People probably thought that we were weird because the kids were older but this was my way of asking the church, my family and people there to help me raise my kids up in the Lord. I had a brief moment when I wished that I wasn't standing there alone, that I was standing their with their dad but that moment quickly passed as I realize that I am now the spiritual leader in our home. That situation is not how I envisioned it.
I've begun to realize lately that what little ties held me to the kid's dad are all but gone and in a couple of weeks will be gone completely. I'm ready to start again, so ready to meet people, develop friendships and if God would have it in my future, marry again. My dream is being a stay at home mom again. I'd like to be a full time mom even if I just have my own kids part time. Maybe I'll inherit kids if I marry again and have step children. I hate the word step children it sounds so evil and not loved. If I marry then my husband's children will be as my own and I will love them and do for them the same. Honestly I think it would be a slight adjustment, okay a major adjustment, but I really am open to whatever God will have for me. I had always wanted a big family, maybe I'll marry into one.
Tonight I learned my little one has told all his/her friends about Jesus and about how to go to Heaven while at recess. How cool is that? So neat to see God working in little people's lives. Makes me feel both humbled and proud at the same time. So proud to be his/her momma. Made me so excited because the kids really are picking up what they hear at church and what I tell them about God in our every day life. Super cool night.
I'm tired. Will go to bed early. Slept horrible last night but made it. Early morning in the am. and we have to get up early tomorrow for school. I've got lunches made except for sandwiches which I will do in the a.m.
Trying to get kids to bed early tonight as they seem tired tonight. Big, wonderful day to celebrate.
Happy momma tonight. Wish they didn't have to go back to their dad's. I like them HERE. I can't deal with the fact that I may have to share them 50/50 with their dad for their whole life. They want to be here. They've said so. Now to trust God to work it out.
Lord I give my children to you tonight. I give you my role as mother. Please shape me into a person more like You. I need more patience and I need a tongue that is under control. Please help me to have wisdom Lord. Wisdom from above.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Slow Down the Clocks Lord
You're know your day is ending well when your toilet overflows and you only own 3 towels and two bathmats. I now have two towels and no bathmats. I do not plan to launder the three in question. GROSS
This was a really really hard day. Physically I am not feeling good. I would not be surprised at all if doctor calls with some adjustment on one of my meds next week after my lab tests are back. I am TIRED of feeling TIRED and am trying to change from the inside out. God has overhauled my heart, now I need His help to overhaul my body. I need to take better care of self for (1) my sake and (2) the sake of my children. They need me to be around. So I've undertaken cutting out some caffeine or cutting way back. I seriously feel like I'm withdrawing from a drug. Horrible yucky not good feeling. I know that it won't last forever and that I need to stick with it. It might get worse before it gets better.
Had lunch with a friend which made the day go a little better. :-)
Tonight I had one child while the other was ill. I hadn't spent any time with the one I had for probably more than a year. It was nice.
Tomorrow and this weekend I get them....they get to come HOME. With me. I cannot wait. My heart will have some peace.
Thank you, Lord, for my children. Empower me with Your Spirit. Give me patience, an extra dose. Please help me to feel better so that I can care for them with love. Give us slowed down time.....so that we can cherish each second we get to spend together. Slow down the clocks!
Good night
This was a really really hard day. Physically I am not feeling good. I would not be surprised at all if doctor calls with some adjustment on one of my meds next week after my lab tests are back. I am TIRED of feeling TIRED and am trying to change from the inside out. God has overhauled my heart, now I need His help to overhaul my body. I need to take better care of self for (1) my sake and (2) the sake of my children. They need me to be around. So I've undertaken cutting out some caffeine or cutting way back. I seriously feel like I'm withdrawing from a drug. Horrible yucky not good feeling. I know that it won't last forever and that I need to stick with it. It might get worse before it gets better.
Had lunch with a friend which made the day go a little better. :-)
Tonight I had one child while the other was ill. I hadn't spent any time with the one I had for probably more than a year. It was nice.
Tomorrow and this weekend I get them....they get to come HOME. With me. I cannot wait. My heart will have some peace.
Thank you, Lord, for my children. Empower me with Your Spirit. Give me patience, an extra dose. Please help me to feel better so that I can care for them with love. Give us slowed down time.....so that we can cherish each second we get to spend together. Slow down the clocks!
Good night
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Drip drip drip
Very hard day again. Tonight I lost it on the way to counseling. I cried about half the way there! Weird thing is that I am not quite sure why. It was such a relief, like I'd been holding it inside for a long time. I was chatty cathy at counseling, more than usual. I feel like I'm undergoing major change STILL and AGAIN and it is never easy but I know that God is working in me.
Truth is, I'm trying to learn to open myself up to people, to friends. It is unusual because every since I moved here I closed off my heart in self-protective mode. Now I'm headed toward the final stretch of this process, not long from my actual divorce and God is calling me to open up my heart again.
So tonight I am just relaxing and it is so nice. Lots of rain today; guess the world needed watering.
God is watering my soul. And it feels good.
Truth is, I'm trying to learn to open myself up to people, to friends. It is unusual because every since I moved here I closed off my heart in self-protective mode. Now I'm headed toward the final stretch of this process, not long from my actual divorce and God is calling me to open up my heart again.
So tonight I am just relaxing and it is so nice. Lots of rain today; guess the world needed watering.
God is watering my soul. And it feels good.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Work Life and Keeping Your Chin Up
Today was one of those days that was just really really long. Work was hard, I wound up with the grumpiest military member of the year and will for sure have to talk with him tomorrow and I'm dreading it. Sometimes my field isn't fun. Today it wasn't fun...it wore at me.
I feel like I became the grump monster earlier today and hope that I didn't hurt a friend's feelings. Sometimes having friends is hard when they require complete honesty. I'm not saying that I'm a liar, I'm just saying that sometimes being honest with others is scary. I have some people that I am completely honest with and I can count them on one hand. Adding people to that mix is scary and does not come easily to me.
I feel like I am failing in every area of my life sometimes. Just one of those days I guess. Tomorrow will be better. Once in a blue moon I get blue. I am used to being the consumate encourager....but sometimes this encourager needs encouragement. I am my children's biggest supporter, the loyalist of friends, the sounding board for some and sometimes I just run out of fuel. I'm out of fuel. I want to crawl in the corner so that I can deal with my own problems. Actually tonight they feel like they have just floaded upon me.....and I just need to deal with them or get out of the way.
Unbelievable stress sometimes causes me to short circuit! Even though I trust God with all of my heart I still struggle with worry. I worry about being able to provide for my family. I worry about having enough money to move. I am WORRIED today. This does not happen to me very often....but occasionally my humanity comes to the surface and I worry. I'm human.
When is it going to be MY turn to be happy? I have been so unhappy for so many years that when I feel a little happiness I freak out and go running in the other direction. Feeling happy is foreign. I mean, I want it but it requires a whole new level of honesty and that FREAKS ME OUT a little bit. Sometimes I wonder why I write. I make little sense but it is the one thing that I do for just me. Writing here helps me heal.
Could it be that I am afraid to be happy? That I got used to being unhappy and that the idea of being really truly openly happy freaks me out? Easier to shut self off than to be vulnerable. Easier to close down feminine side of me to succeed in the work world. Feel like I'm trapped inside this body and feel that body is keeping me from one thing that I want. Frustrating.
Tonight I struggle but I know that God's mercies are new every morning. Perhaps tomorrow I will be showered in God's mercy and goodness again. And I will get out of my own way and let heart be open to new things.
I feel like I became the grump monster earlier today and hope that I didn't hurt a friend's feelings. Sometimes having friends is hard when they require complete honesty. I'm not saying that I'm a liar, I'm just saying that sometimes being honest with others is scary. I have some people that I am completely honest with and I can count them on one hand. Adding people to that mix is scary and does not come easily to me.
I feel like I am failing in every area of my life sometimes. Just one of those days I guess. Tomorrow will be better. Once in a blue moon I get blue. I am used to being the consumate encourager....but sometimes this encourager needs encouragement. I am my children's biggest supporter, the loyalist of friends, the sounding board for some and sometimes I just run out of fuel. I'm out of fuel. I want to crawl in the corner so that I can deal with my own problems. Actually tonight they feel like they have just floaded upon me.....and I just need to deal with them or get out of the way.
Unbelievable stress sometimes causes me to short circuit! Even though I trust God with all of my heart I still struggle with worry. I worry about being able to provide for my family. I worry about having enough money to move. I am WORRIED today. This does not happen to me very often....but occasionally my humanity comes to the surface and I worry. I'm human.
When is it going to be MY turn to be happy? I have been so unhappy for so many years that when I feel a little happiness I freak out and go running in the other direction. Feeling happy is foreign. I mean, I want it but it requires a whole new level of honesty and that FREAKS ME OUT a little bit. Sometimes I wonder why I write. I make little sense but it is the one thing that I do for just me. Writing here helps me heal.
Could it be that I am afraid to be happy? That I got used to being unhappy and that the idea of being really truly openly happy freaks me out? Easier to shut self off than to be vulnerable. Easier to close down feminine side of me to succeed in the work world. Feel like I'm trapped inside this body and feel that body is keeping me from one thing that I want. Frustrating.
Tonight I struggle but I know that God's mercies are new every morning. Perhaps tomorrow I will be showered in God's mercy and goodness again. And I will get out of my own way and let heart be open to new things.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Ready and Willing but Not feeling Able!
So here I sit, two years later, still dealing with world's longest divorce I still have to realize that I am exactly where God wants me to be. I'm just now ready to be divorced. It took this long. Now although it will hurt greatly and make me very sad, I am ready to not be married to this person any more. In another month all my ties beyond that of having kids together, all ties will be gone, broken. I will be FREE. Free to follow Christ as He leads me toward a new life, new everything. I'm moving too to top it off
Greatest opportunity for disaster is greatest opportunity for blessing in God's world. I like that. Just heard visiting pastor say this. I have to ignore what I feel and trust what I see and step out in faith. I feel like this is my time, I can either step toward God, despite my crippling fear and anxiety, and experience what God has planned for me, the blessings He has for me or I can let the fear paralyze me into immobility.
I want to be a woman after God's own heart. I want to continue serving my church, my children and someday, another husband for the rest of my life. God created people for relationships. I have been alone for so many years, legally for two years, and now I am ready to although it freaks me out, ready to open my heart to another in faith. You see, I know that God can heal and is healing what was broken when that divorce was filed but God is going to have the glory in my life through this. God can take what is broken and make something beautiful from it.
Sticks and stones will break our bones but words will break our hearts. That sums it up for me. The words that were spoken into my life have hurt me so very deeply. Will I ever forget the words that broke me? I'm not really sure. To this day they haunt me and in the quiet moments I believe Satan brings them to mind, trying to tear me down, trying to break me. So today I just give them back to God. I give my hurt to God for Him to heal me. Pastor just said "words are ambassadors of the soul." How very true.
So Lord, not sure why you have me here today thinking, cleaning, working, but I know you want my attention. You have my attention and my heart. Please bless me and my children in a special way. Please provide what I need financially in order to do what I need in the next couple of months. I've seen you do amazing things in my life and I'm counting on your continued blessing in my life and in the lives of my children.
God I give myself to you again today. Take me and use me, even in my brokenness to bless You and to bless others, especially my children. Help others to see Christ in me in the midst of this heartache. Thank you for the friends who have come alongside me to encourage. Lord bless them as they have blessed me.
until another time,
Greatest opportunity for disaster is greatest opportunity for blessing in God's world. I like that. Just heard visiting pastor say this. I have to ignore what I feel and trust what I see and step out in faith. I feel like this is my time, I can either step toward God, despite my crippling fear and anxiety, and experience what God has planned for me, the blessings He has for me or I can let the fear paralyze me into immobility.
I want to be a woman after God's own heart. I want to continue serving my church, my children and someday, another husband for the rest of my life. God created people for relationships. I have been alone for so many years, legally for two years, and now I am ready to although it freaks me out, ready to open my heart to another in faith. You see, I know that God can heal and is healing what was broken when that divorce was filed but God is going to have the glory in my life through this. God can take what is broken and make something beautiful from it.
Sticks and stones will break our bones but words will break our hearts. That sums it up for me. The words that were spoken into my life have hurt me so very deeply. Will I ever forget the words that broke me? I'm not really sure. To this day they haunt me and in the quiet moments I believe Satan brings them to mind, trying to tear me down, trying to break me. So today I just give them back to God. I give my hurt to God for Him to heal me. Pastor just said "words are ambassadors of the soul." How very true.
So Lord, not sure why you have me here today thinking, cleaning, working, but I know you want my attention. You have my attention and my heart. Please bless me and my children in a special way. Please provide what I need financially in order to do what I need in the next couple of months. I've seen you do amazing things in my life and I'm counting on your continued blessing in my life and in the lives of my children.
God I give myself to you again today. Take me and use me, even in my brokenness to bless You and to bless others, especially my children. Help others to see Christ in me in the midst of this heartache. Thank you for the friends who have come alongside me to encourage. Lord bless them as they have blessed me.
until another time,
Saturday, September 11, 2010
God is Good
This morning I started out frustrated and angry, mainly at my printer. I eventually got it working and then found a couple of places I wanted to call on or go see.
I went to the first place, decided it was suitable, in good area and in budget and then just signed the lease. I'm so glad to have a plan. Paid pet deposit and apartment deposit. That felt good.
Then had lunch with a friend which was fun. Nice to feel human again; have friends to hang out with, talk about life with. I've realized that my life has been so empty, even for years. When I was married I didn't really have many friends outside of my married life. We didn't even have married friends to hang out with. We had the kids then rarely went out as a couple. Although I loved my new role as a mom I mourned the loss of my love.
So now I am beginning anew. New life, new location to live in, new neighborhood, new opportunities for change and growth. Starting anew is a good thing. Sometimes beginning anew means taking chances, opening yourself up to others when you've been so closed down, shut down, for years. I was hurt so deeply and over such a long period of time that I did shut down emotionally. It's what you do when you feel you're under attack. It is not, however, any way to live a life.
I sometimes think that I've waisted the last ten years but when I do that I have to sharply remember that that is simply not true. I was blessed with two amazing creatures that I call my children on here. They are my legacy of those years, not the hurt. And it's because of them that I have the courage to step up, become strong and LIVE LIFE, boldly, strongly. So although I am not going to have a husband anymore (or at least not that one!), I take comfort in the fact that God did indeed give me my heart's desire - my children.
So I press forward, trusting God that He will provide for me in very real ways.
God is preparing me for something, for someone even. It is weird but it has to be God changing me, giving me courage to step out, to be open. I can honestly say that I am ready to love again. I am ready to love and be loved and that scares me but living, really radically living, can be scary. I am ready to walk hand in hand with someone who I care for. I am ready to let someone into my heart and into my life. (okay did I just type that?????) Yep, I think that I did.
What has happened to me?
I went to the first place, decided it was suitable, in good area and in budget and then just signed the lease. I'm so glad to have a plan. Paid pet deposit and apartment deposit. That felt good.
Then had lunch with a friend which was fun. Nice to feel human again; have friends to hang out with, talk about life with. I've realized that my life has been so empty, even for years. When I was married I didn't really have many friends outside of my married life. We didn't even have married friends to hang out with. We had the kids then rarely went out as a couple. Although I loved my new role as a mom I mourned the loss of my love.
So now I am beginning anew. New life, new location to live in, new neighborhood, new opportunities for change and growth. Starting anew is a good thing. Sometimes beginning anew means taking chances, opening yourself up to others when you've been so closed down, shut down, for years. I was hurt so deeply and over such a long period of time that I did shut down emotionally. It's what you do when you feel you're under attack. It is not, however, any way to live a life.
I sometimes think that I've waisted the last ten years but when I do that I have to sharply remember that that is simply not true. I was blessed with two amazing creatures that I call my children on here. They are my legacy of those years, not the hurt. And it's because of them that I have the courage to step up, become strong and LIVE LIFE, boldly, strongly. So although I am not going to have a husband anymore (or at least not that one!), I take comfort in the fact that God did indeed give me my heart's desire - my children.
So I press forward, trusting God that He will provide for me in very real ways.
God is preparing me for something, for someone even. It is weird but it has to be God changing me, giving me courage to step out, to be open. I can honestly say that I am ready to love again. I am ready to love and be loved and that scares me but living, really radically living, can be scary. I am ready to walk hand in hand with someone who I care for. I am ready to let someone into my heart and into my life. (okay did I just type that?????) Yep, I think that I did.
What has happened to me?
Giving My Worry to the Lord
This morning I have to go find a new place to live. I've had a somewhat frustrating morning, first my printer wouldn't connect so I had to re-install printer driver and then add ink which I just HAPPENED to have. Finally an hour later it worked.
Then I'm sitting at my tiny kitchen table, looking for a place to live. I feel lost; my plans have fallen apart and I'm just sitting here saying "Okay Lord show me what you want me to do." Going to look at several places this morning.
Also need to see if I can extend my lease month to month for a couple of months if necessary.
Warm shower felt good, very relaxing. Now I'm ready to face the day. I need to find some boxes and start packing up our things. EEECK.
Had fun talking to old friend yesterday. Laughing made me feel almost human again and that felt wonderful. Our lives are both complicated but we still just the Lord for the out come.
Lord, this morning I give you my worries, my anxiety and my fear. I need your strength Lord to lead me in the direction that we should go. Lead me Lord in the areas of my life I'm not posting in public. Give me wisdom to know what to do and to see your hand working in my life in unexpected ways.
AMEN.
Then I'm sitting at my tiny kitchen table, looking for a place to live. I feel lost; my plans have fallen apart and I'm just sitting here saying "Okay Lord show me what you want me to do." Going to look at several places this morning.
Also need to see if I can extend my lease month to month for a couple of months if necessary.
Warm shower felt good, very relaxing. Now I'm ready to face the day. I need to find some boxes and start packing up our things. EEECK.
Had fun talking to old friend yesterday. Laughing made me feel almost human again and that felt wonderful. Our lives are both complicated but we still just the Lord for the out come.
Lord, this morning I give you my worries, my anxiety and my fear. I need your strength Lord to lead me in the direction that we should go. Lead me Lord in the areas of my life I'm not posting in public. Give me wisdom to know what to do and to see your hand working in my life in unexpected ways.
AMEN.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
I'm Letting Go
Big week, lots of stress. I have realized how very stressed out that I am. I am ready for divorce to be over; to be moved and to be settled into my new life. I am ready for my life to start.
Listening to Francesca Battistelli's "I'm letting go" and it so fits my situation. I'm letting go of the life I planned for me and my dreams..." For me, I am letting go of the dreams I had for my life and I'm clinging to the new dreams that God has given me.
It's all starting to tie together. The book that got me through my rough times was Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. He essentially says that when we have shattered dreams often God replaces them with new dreams, beyond what we could imagine. That is how I feel. I'm excited about my future. I do not know if I'm going to be an apartment dweller my whole life or if I will marry someone again. For the first time since I moved out I am looking toward my FUTURE. I'm not going to look back. The pain is still there; it doesn't go away, only lessens. When it threatens to take over I just pray it back in place and God calms my heart and my spirit.
Today a guy at work and I got into it over something and it really pushed my buttons. He's a total bully and when I feel bullied I immediately have the same reaction that I used to have: fight or flight - adrenaline pumps through veins when I feel threatened. It was like that almost all day.
I still have a hectic couple of months. I'm not looking forward to moving. My family is starting to let me do my own thing finally but it's frankly a little scary to be out here on my own for the first time in 10 years. On one hand I feel an amazing sense of peace and joy that can only come from God. On the way to work this morning I was listening to some Christian music that made me tear up. Then on the way home I again cried a little. I do not miss the marriage. I miss the person I married but he is gone and no longer "mine." I miss my children and that is why I cry. Not having them with me is a burden that no one should ask of a true mother. I still have to trust that God has me where He wants me FOR THIS MOMENT. Might not be like this forever.
The sadness is still there, still part of who I am. Divorce is sad. No matter the situation. It rips families and people apart. It is nothing but destructive. I own my part of it all and God has forgiven me for that. So when the guilt starts to well up I just remember that "as far as the east is from the west, so God has removed your transgressions from you." Satan will not have the last laugh in my life. He or we might have broken our marriage but I believe that God put this desire to be a homemaker and mom in my heart for a reason. I just want a second chance at life. I want to love and be loved again.
Sitting here as the tears are falling, I think that the stress from the last couple of weeks has hit me. I have hives on my neck again. Stinks. Tomorrow will be a weird day.
I believe God is working out my future even now. I believe that he is preparing someone for me and me for him. Freaks me out a bit but I am also not a chicken. :-) I'm excited about opportunity and where it might take me. Where God might lead me. The life that He has for me in Phase II.
I am waiting for my forever love to move in my heart and push me where He wants me to go. God has plans for me and for my family. I just have to be brave enough to keep putting one foot in front of another until I arrive....whether on earth or in heaven someday. I also want a forever love of my own, a human forever love.
I have to sleep now. Exhaustion is an understatement. My kitchen still has tonight's dinner in them....I choose to play with my kids for the little bit of time we have together instead of washing dishes. They can wait until tomorrow or the weekend.
This weekend I have to try to find a place to live. God must lead me because I do not know where to go. I need to know where I'm supposed to go.
Until next time....
Listening to Francesca Battistelli's "I'm letting go" and it so fits my situation. I'm letting go of the life I planned for me and my dreams..." For me, I am letting go of the dreams I had for my life and I'm clinging to the new dreams that God has given me.
It's all starting to tie together. The book that got me through my rough times was Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb. He essentially says that when we have shattered dreams often God replaces them with new dreams, beyond what we could imagine. That is how I feel. I'm excited about my future. I do not know if I'm going to be an apartment dweller my whole life or if I will marry someone again. For the first time since I moved out I am looking toward my FUTURE. I'm not going to look back. The pain is still there; it doesn't go away, only lessens. When it threatens to take over I just pray it back in place and God calms my heart and my spirit.
Today a guy at work and I got into it over something and it really pushed my buttons. He's a total bully and when I feel bullied I immediately have the same reaction that I used to have: fight or flight - adrenaline pumps through veins when I feel threatened. It was like that almost all day.
I still have a hectic couple of months. I'm not looking forward to moving. My family is starting to let me do my own thing finally but it's frankly a little scary to be out here on my own for the first time in 10 years. On one hand I feel an amazing sense of peace and joy that can only come from God. On the way to work this morning I was listening to some Christian music that made me tear up. Then on the way home I again cried a little. I do not miss the marriage. I miss the person I married but he is gone and no longer "mine." I miss my children and that is why I cry. Not having them with me is a burden that no one should ask of a true mother. I still have to trust that God has me where He wants me FOR THIS MOMENT. Might not be like this forever.
The sadness is still there, still part of who I am. Divorce is sad. No matter the situation. It rips families and people apart. It is nothing but destructive. I own my part of it all and God has forgiven me for that. So when the guilt starts to well up I just remember that "as far as the east is from the west, so God has removed your transgressions from you." Satan will not have the last laugh in my life. He or we might have broken our marriage but I believe that God put this desire to be a homemaker and mom in my heart for a reason. I just want a second chance at life. I want to love and be loved again.
Sitting here as the tears are falling, I think that the stress from the last couple of weeks has hit me. I have hives on my neck again. Stinks. Tomorrow will be a weird day.
I believe God is working out my future even now. I believe that he is preparing someone for me and me for him. Freaks me out a bit but I am also not a chicken. :-) I'm excited about opportunity and where it might take me. Where God might lead me. The life that He has for me in Phase II.
I am waiting for my forever love to move in my heart and push me where He wants me to go. God has plans for me and for my family. I just have to be brave enough to keep putting one foot in front of another until I arrive....whether on earth or in heaven someday. I also want a forever love of my own, a human forever love.
I have to sleep now. Exhaustion is an understatement. My kitchen still has tonight's dinner in them....I choose to play with my kids for the little bit of time we have together instead of washing dishes. They can wait until tomorrow or the weekend.
This weekend I have to try to find a place to live. God must lead me because I do not know where to go. I need to know where I'm supposed to go.
Until next time....
Monday, September 6, 2010
Labor Day Weekend
This was a good labor day weekend but alas it is over. My kids just left to go back to their home with their dad.
I am so confused. Tonight was reminded by one old friend of one thing then reminded of something else by other one. Contradicting info is hard to sort through.
Feel like I am poised on the edge of massive change. I have to find apartment, going to get divorced in same month as I have to move. That just is no fun in any way. I am excited about new and reappearing old friends but finding it hard to sort all out.
What to do? Just pray for God's guidance.
Going to turn in early tonight. Tomorrow is a new day. Must find place apartment and plan this transition in our lives. I wish that I could just go to sleep....and sleep and sleep. I'm so tired. I'm weary.
I am so confused. Tonight was reminded by one old friend of one thing then reminded of something else by other one. Contradicting info is hard to sort through.
Feel like I am poised on the edge of massive change. I have to find apartment, going to get divorced in same month as I have to move. That just is no fun in any way. I am excited about new and reappearing old friends but finding it hard to sort all out.
What to do? Just pray for God's guidance.
Going to turn in early tonight. Tomorrow is a new day. Must find place apartment and plan this transition in our lives. I wish that I could just go to sleep....and sleep and sleep. I'm so tired. I'm weary.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Free the Finger Day!
I'M FREE!
If I would have gone to court yesterday today would have been the first day I was divorced. Went to lunch with a friend who point blank asked me when I was going to take my ring off. At first I had all these reasons but then I realized that none of them really made any sense so I promised to give it some thought.
Then tonight, after having a wonderful time with the kids eating burgers and chasing rainbows (literally) and playing in the rain I went into my bathroom, lathered on the lotion and pulled and pulled and pulled until finally the little bands of titantium and diamond are now off of my wedding ring finger. On my terms. You see, it took me until this week to really FEEL free. To feel HOPE. I had figured on taking the ring off the day the judge declared us divorced, being all sad and crying and what really happened was that I was in there giggling like a schoolgirl trying to coach these rings off my fingers.
So salute my photo cuz it might be the last one I ever put on here. My sad little chubby ring finger hurts tonight but nevertheless I am free. Free for whatever God has for me. Free to think again about my own happiness. Free in about a month to seek after love. I might not have the rings on but technically I am still married and will act like it until such day that I am no longer married.
I am excited about phase II of my life. God is going to continue His work in me. I will follow where He leads me. I will open my heart again to the concept of love.
Very excited. Liberated. Free. Relief. Not what I expected but instead just full of joy.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Still God's Plan, right?
I was so ready for it to finally be over. I was geared up, ready. Then we have to re-schedule. I'm trying not to have a bad attitutude about it because as a friend reminded me this is still God's plan. It was a good reminder. God's still on His throne.
Today I had lunch with my kids and they loved it. I used to do that a couple of years ago when the big one was in Kindergarten. Now we're at a much different spot. The little one tonight wanted to know if I was coming tomorrow to eat lunch. :-) That melted my heart.
Big nap today. I'm sure that tomorrow will be filled with work busy bodies trying to figure out what happened. I've decided to just relax and go with the flow. I'm probably buried in email land.....but as I do every day I start at the bottom them I work my way to the top every single day. Needless to say I get a LOT of emails a day.
Seriously laid down this afternoon and slept for like 4 hours. It was amazing. I was weary. You know what I mean? If you've ever been weary you know exactly what I mean. My spirit was weary. I think that is why Jesus said "come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest." How cool is that? How amazing God's love for me and for you!
Tonight I had my weekly counseling. It was good. I have few outlets in which to REALLY truly share the way I feel so it is good that I go to this place. It has helped me to heal.
Had ribs and red cream soda tonight near the Legends. It was awesome. Lonely but awesome. About a year ago I would go and eat my to go ribs in the car in the Nebraska Furniture Mart parking lot. Call my kids and talk while enjoying the cool night's air. Maybe someday someone will join my pilgrimage every couple of months to Arthur Bryant's BBQ with me.
You know, I'm fairly okay with being alone. I have been for years. Even before he filed I was alone. I spent every evening alone after kids were in bed then went to bed alone, woke up alone and did it day after day after day. Now I'm tired of being alone. I want to share my life with someone, with the right someone in God's timing. God has perfect timing. I would like to say that I am always on His timing but I'm not. We get out of sync then He brings me back in line with Him and we're good again.
Well I'm going to watch some tv then maybe chat on the phone later. Relax. Listen. Might watch some tv until then. Ahhhhhh.
Today I had lunch with my kids and they loved it. I used to do that a couple of years ago when the big one was in Kindergarten. Now we're at a much different spot. The little one tonight wanted to know if I was coming tomorrow to eat lunch. :-) That melted my heart.
Big nap today. I'm sure that tomorrow will be filled with work busy bodies trying to figure out what happened. I've decided to just relax and go with the flow. I'm probably buried in email land.....but as I do every day I start at the bottom them I work my way to the top every single day. Needless to say I get a LOT of emails a day.
Seriously laid down this afternoon and slept for like 4 hours. It was amazing. I was weary. You know what I mean? If you've ever been weary you know exactly what I mean. My spirit was weary. I think that is why Jesus said "come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest." How cool is that? How amazing God's love for me and for you!
Tonight I had my weekly counseling. It was good. I have few outlets in which to REALLY truly share the way I feel so it is good that I go to this place. It has helped me to heal.
Had ribs and red cream soda tonight near the Legends. It was awesome. Lonely but awesome. About a year ago I would go and eat my to go ribs in the car in the Nebraska Furniture Mart parking lot. Call my kids and talk while enjoying the cool night's air. Maybe someday someone will join my pilgrimage every couple of months to Arthur Bryant's BBQ with me.
You know, I'm fairly okay with being alone. I have been for years. Even before he filed I was alone. I spent every evening alone after kids were in bed then went to bed alone, woke up alone and did it day after day after day. Now I'm tired of being alone. I want to share my life with someone, with the right someone in God's timing. God has perfect timing. I would like to say that I am always on His timing but I'm not. We get out of sync then He brings me back in line with Him and we're good again.
Well I'm going to watch some tv then maybe chat on the phone later. Relax. Listen. Might watch some tv until then. Ahhhhhh.
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