Bipolar Supermom: Silence is Roaring

The silence here is roaring. I don't have the kids this weekend so it's just me, myself and a couple of kitty cats. They're fine company but they don't talk much! ha

This morning I woke up feeling good. Am excited because I am going to brave going to church by myself this morning. I'm hoping to find someone I know to sit with but if not I don't mind sitting by myself. I usually sit in the first three rows so that I can pay attention.  The last few times I've been I've forgotten my Bible so today that is my mission: remember my Bible!

Taking the camera with me so that I can go play with it on the way home. I should bring the manual.  Well about time to go. Don't even know why I bothered posting. I had nothing to say.

This morning I'm just happy that I feel good. I'm happy that I feel good enough to brave church by myself. My way of dealing with the roaring silence is to go where people are...church!

Bipolar Supermom: Tide is turning or Bowling me over, not sure

Good day to you all, my few followers! I just had a great weekend with my children. We had ups and downs, laughter and tears. It was all endearing. I'm realizing that puberty might be hitting one of mine a little early....which means that I'm going to need to be doing some reading so I know how to manuever this period of my life.

I've had a bit of a wild week. A week ago I was in the hospital because I was not feeling well.  I spent about 6 hours in the ER then they let me go home. The next day I spent going from doctor to doctor.  All to find out that all looked well but I have to go back to the doctor today for a follow up appointment to figure out why I am so out of breath all the time. (this is unusual for me, even at this weight).

Laughter

This morning I realized that I don't laugh much anymore. Three years ago this week my ex spouse told me he had filed for divorce and frankly, before then even, there was no laughter. There was lots and lots of hurt and hurtful actions and words.

I want someone to laugh with. I want to giggle, throw my head back and guffah with someone who means the world to me. It's been too long since I have really laughed like that. I want to laugh. I want to have fun. I want my life back. It's time. I'm tired of mourning what I had. I'm done with that. I'm done with him. He has taken too much of my mind over the past decade and now it's time to be me again.

The me who loves to shop, loves cool shoes, loves photography, loves her children, loves life. I miss that girl. Maybe she was just in hiding and it's time for her to reappear.  Maybe it's time for her to heal.

I took off my ring that my ex-mother in law gave me and was stuck on for years. I pulled it off and exclaimed outloud (rather loud) "I'M FREE!" then laughed! I am free and the only thing holding me back is the "tapes" from my ex that run continually inside my head. It's like I've spent the last three years in therapy trying to erase the tapes. I am not who he said I was. My self worth comes from who the Lord of the heaven says I am and God almighty says that "I am beautifully and wonderfully made."

So here I sit. I can sit and mourn what is already gone or I can begin to live again. The second one scares me to death but it is the second one that I choose. I choose it for me and for my children. I choose to be happy. I choose life. I choose to laugh. Maybe one day I will meet someone who will make me laugh.

Pray

Tomorrow morning I am going into the hospital for a treatment for my depression that frankly is a little scary and very controversial. I've had good luck with it recently (thank God) so we are going to do it again. Please lift me up in prayer and my doctor and his team as they work on my treatment.

Other than that, life is just sort of plugging along. It feels like the world's longest week. Each day has seemed to last an eternity plus I've been really tired struggling with some depression. I've gone to bed early each night to give my body the rest I need to combat what my physiology does to me with this bipolar disorder. Rest for me is my key tool in my toolbox. Along with a really really great doctor that I can't go on enough about. I'm so thankful for him and his wisdom over the many years that he's been my physician.

So wish me luck er I mean, pray for me as I have a big day planned for tomorrow!

Cheers!

Seek God

I like how God uses "little" things to remind us of Him. Take tonight, as I drove home from a meeting, he put on the most unbelievable sunset I'd ever seen.  I took a shot. Unfortunately it won't let me upload it.

Today I went to work for a couple of hours then had to come home because I was so tired and dizzy that I could barely function. I came home and slept about 4 hours without any medication. I was tired. I then ran an errand that needed doing and enjoyed the air conditioning.

Tonight I'm thankful that my kids are doing so great in school. I'm thankful that I did get to spend a half hour or so with them. We had a school meeting tonight so I didn't get my parenting time. My parents were gracious enough to watch them and take them to dinner. They seemed to have fun.

My words of wisdom tonight are to encourage you to seek God. He wants to be found by us. Seek Him and you will find Him.  Make that your mission tonight and in the days to come.

Thoughts on July

This past month of July was one of the most trying for me in some time. A lot I am not able to talk about but I can say that I was hospitalized for most of the month and it was hard, and at times, scary. I emerged though, feeling absolutely great, and the happiest that I've been in years. That to me is a major miracle and I'm thankful to my God and to my doctor, Dr. Cole.  He knew exactly when to do what at the right time and we did what he recommended and it WORKED and I feel great. That is the short version.

I have struggled with depression most of my adult life or all of my adult life. I wonder sometimes if I could wave a wand and not have it if I would. I don't know. I hate having it but I do strongly believe the struggles I undergo and have undergone have made me into a person more like God and that makes me really happy.  

So I keep on keeping on. Day by day, sometimes hour by hour.  I follow Doctor's orders to the letter usually and pray to my God who gives me breathe by breathe.

So if you're struggling today know that God is bigger than your problems and if you trust Him, He can help you make it through them. Only He can heal. Only He can be trusted with your wounded heart.

What a week

Well this has been an interesting week. Suffice to say the doc has gotten me on the right meds, I'm feeling better and that is good. I still have some work to do to help myself but now that I'm feeling better that should be no problem.

I need to get rid of a giant tv this week. I should see about donating it.

So much to do, so little time. I do have some time this week which is good. I rather need it to get used to the new medicine I'm to take.

That is life.  Going to go see a movie this afternoon, just sitting around waiting for time to go.  Terribly exciting stuff here.

FB Unfriending

I was recently unfriended by two people. I am baffled slightly at this because I felt like we all had a normal FB relationship. Mostly talk on FB, met one in person, etc. Then boom. Two people who were in my life are now gone. What does one make of this?

One could take it personally but I don't.

One could give it another thought but I won't although I might wonder if I did or said something offensive to this person in order to reconcile with them and mend the FB friendship.

Right now I have bigger fish to fry and although I did notice two defectors I do not plan to hold it against them. They each had their reasons. Someday, maybe they can tell me so that I can learn from them. Or maybe I'm to not know.

Tonight I'm thankful to be here, to be alive, to have little people who think I'm supermom. That is enough for me. And to have furry beasts to keep me company even though they are all sometimes naughty.  One was just chewing on my shoe. My new shoe. He's in the dog house for sure.

Tonight I am hanging onto the people I can count on. They know who they are. They've been with me through the ups and downs of my life, the ebb and flow of my life.

Heck I might clean out my FB friends too! Spring, er, I mean, summer cleaning is underway!

Not gonna just lay down

My ex is not having the kids return my calls on "his" weekends. It's stupid and petty. What a jerk.  He never calls them here on my weekends which I would be fine with. I'm surprised he doesn't.

Whether he plays mind games or not, ultimately I do not care. My God is so much bigger than my ex's petty tactics that I'm just leaving it at God's feet for Him to deal with it.

I had my kids basically taken from me many years ago when I was having a very hard and long depressive spell (they sent them to day care). I then asked for them back when I was feeling up to it and no dice. So the reason I have such distaste for my ex is because he took them from me and did not return them. (no they are not property but they came out of MY belly, not his).

Just frustrated, that's all. Want my babies back with me. I'll do whatever it takes.

Wild Week

After my one good day of feeling good it went back to not feeling good. Again. Getting so tired of this. Wishing my body did not do what it does and that my mind would cooperate and that I did not have bipolar disorder (that is tonight's feelings).

I'm just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. This morning I was able to work on my business and did sell a few items which was nice. I still have a long way to go to pay back my own loan to my business that came from my personal finances.  I prayed about it all this morning, gave the day to God and He blessed it. It was nice. I also decided that I was going to have fun with it because I do love what I do and until today I'd been just not feeling good so what is usually fun was work. That probably translated into not so many sales. Plus I lowered my prices. I've learned the area that I'm selling in just simply doesn't have very good bunches of folks with disposable income in this economy. So I'll adjust to them and to that.

I took a WONDERFUL 3 hour nap. Conked out. I just took my night pills which include a medication which makes me go to sleep and sleep through the night. They will be kicking in soon so this post will be rather short.

The cats are having a fight over the bed. It's a big bed. The little cat is a bully and has gotten the older cat to NOT sleep by me like she always did. I'm mad about it. I did knock the older cat's pillow off. Hmmm. I must troubleshoot problem.

To all you out there, goodnight. Sweet dreams. Count your blessings. Then go count some sheep.
Night.

Yea, a good day

Today was a good day. I actually felt good, all day long. I was a little sleepy at one point but it passed. I was able to do what was in front of me and do it well. I might even have another interview lined up. Woo hoo.

So tonight I celebrate a day of reprieve, a day of feeling good. These don't happen to me very much so it is worth celebrating.

Today I was thankful for my doctor and for my God. They make a good team!

With that I will bid you an early goodnight.

Round Two

Today was round two of visiting my doctor this week. We're trying to get some med issues ironed out and he wanted to see me before he went on vacation next week and he'll be out of the office.  Good news is that he thinks I'm getting better or am better than I was on Tuesday. This is a good thing. We tweeked some meds around just a little bit...but feel like what we have is working finally.  I'm not one of those bipolar patients that takes lithium and is magically healed. I am the ultra rapid cycling kind of bipolar disorder I in case you were wondering. What does that all mean? Google it.....

It means that I struggle to do things a little more than folks who don't have it do. It means my emotions are more intense and more up and down then those who don't have it. It means a lot of things. I'd love to say that I'm spiritually mature enough to be 100% thankful for it but I'm not. I struggle with it. I struggle wondering why I ended up with this thing that isn't curable, only treatable. Why it had to get in the way of so many friendships and ultimately my marriage?

There are some things that I am thankful for tonight. I am thankful to be here, in relatively good health, at my home, sober, sane (mostly), and to be a mom. I'm thankful to be alive. I'm thankful that God gave me the will to want to continue living despite what feels like big obstacles to me sometimes. God uses people, books, the Scriptures, and my doctor to get me through the rough times.

Tonight I'm thankful for my doctor. He gave me a pretty good pep talk for him this afternoon.  We talked for probably more than 30 minutes, he got me all my prescriptions with refills (yeah) and I have to go back in two weeks to check in with him again to see how I'm doing.

My reality: this has been a very difficult two or three weeks. I've had multiple ups and downs, the highs were high and the lows were low. Starting to level off now and it feels good. I'm hoping to NOT wake up at 4 am tomorrow. I'm hoping to have enough energy for what God will put in my day tomorrow.

Kitchen Sinks and More Fun

Went to bed last night with my kitchen sinks backed up, I had just taken some high powered sleeping pills so couldn't call maintenance last night. This morning it appears they overflowed into my kitchen and seemed to be draining for about 5 minutes. Then they were backing up again.

I hate this place often. I don't like living here, it's small, I hate the carpet and we're crammed in here like sardines. But, the other part of me is thankful. Thankful to have found a place not too far a drive from the kids and is in a good area and I can afford it. So that is the biggest part of me. I guess that I'm thankful it is not in my HOME 'cuz then I'd be paying a plumber to fix it.

This morning I'm not having any weird side effects from my new medication - yet. I hope that I can make it through work today. Beginning to wonder about work but that is a topic for another post. I woke up at 5:30 this morning so here I sit with nothing to do. I'd like to go in early but that would make my day hellishly long so I'm not going to do that because I think that it will be all I can do to make it through 8 hours.  I also have the kids tonight! yea. That is the best part of my day.

This weekend I'm unpacking the wet/dry vacuum I bought to vacuum up the bigger pieces of stuff my dog's gotten into like papers, take out boxes, just JUNK. I'm hoping to get it all cleaned up so I can run my steam vacuum over the carpet and get it REALLY clean. That would be great. All that and throw in some swimming and church and grocery shopping and that's my weekend in a nutshell.  I had hoped to go grocery shopping last night but I didn't feel well so stayed home after counseling.

Thinking of the words to the song "You Are More" by Tenth Avenue North. That song speaks to my heart. -posted a day or so later, oops!

Always Fun, Never a dull moment

Always an adventure in my life. I got put on a new medication last night and it kicked my butt a little bit.  I ended up going home from work to rest this morning and afternoon. I'm dreading going back tomorrow.

Waiting to hear from my doctor on what dose is right. I am going off what he said yesterday, not what the bottle says. What he said is less and I suppose he'll titrate me up to the right level of medication. I just gotta be able to work while doing it.

I had a good meeting with my counselor tonight. We talked about a many things and she helped me to look at some things differently. A lot of things she agreed with me on. It was good.

Tomorrow I hope to return back to work and feel good. It could happen! :-)

I'm the eternal optimist....tomorrow's a new day with no mistakes in it yet. God grants us a clean slate each and every day if we're His children. Not many people can say that and understand how amazing that is. Every day I get to enjoy what Jesus did on the cross - take the punishment for my sin and offer forgiveness. I'm forgiven! That's grace man. Amazing grace.

Mr. Depression and a Thorn in my Side

This has been the longest day. Depression has followed me around today like an unwelcome friend. I couldn't shake it all day. Did everything that I usually do: prayed, took a nap, played with animals, saw a movie, hung out. Still depression has landed on me like a cloud, a dark cloud. An ominous severe thunderstorm warning with a threat of tornados. That is what I feel like.

Mildly comforted by some new clothes, sandals and flip flops purchased oh and a new purse. All of which I needed for work. I with you got a work allowance for clothing. That would be great.

I have some big decisions to make regarding my health and how I'd like to handle this. Harder when there are kids and animals involved.  Doctor is going to treat me outpatient but that is hard and I won't get much face time with him. My new insurance really stinks. I was so disappointed on Friday when I learned about my lack of benefits. My company most likely wrote a policy disallowing the type of treatment I got last year in order to save some money. I get that. But it still sucks.

Tomorrow my doc wants me to go back to work.  I do not feel up to it but I have a feeling if I want to save my job that I will be there, early, work through lunch and put in a good day's work. I'm extremely lacking in the energy department as Mr. Depression (think that's what I'm going to name my depression) has sucked all the joy out of me.

If you are a reader, please say a prayer for me. Pray that I can conquer this round of depression with some dignity and grace and that ultimately the Lord will be glorified, even in my weakness. Especially in my weakness. I so relate to Paul wanting his "thorn in his side" removed.  Lord would you consider removing my thorn in the side? Not my will but thine be done.

goodnight

Walking Through the Fire

It's Sunday. I woke up early this morning but felt rested. Today I take my dog to our training class.  Then I plan to take a nap and do some cleaning.

As frustrating as this week has been it has unveiled an unexpected blessing that I can't go into. It came in the form of amazing peace over a decision that I had made and an endorsement by someone who knows me well and my situation.   What is funny is that I know this could only come from God and He provided it JUST at the right time. I was really struggling with something and to hear what I heard when I heard it was indeed a blessing. How thankful I am for that man and for my God.

I don't know what God's got planned for me.  I do know that I'm stubborn and that I am not giving up on anything: life, love, family, nothing. I fall then I get back up with God's help. I fall again then I take refuge under God's shelter. Without God's supernatural strength I would not be here today writing this blog. He has brought me through hell on earth and back to Him.  I never understood why I went through what I went through but I do know that it has produced an unearthly strength that only comes when you've walked through the fire.

God has taken what the world would have thrown away (me) and has re-made me into a woman more and more like Himself. This amazing strength has come at great price to me personally but now I know why I need it. I am well equipped to be my children's mother BECAUSE of going through that fire. Because I have bipolar disorder I am uniquely qualified to be a mother, to be THEIR mother. When past people said it was a bad thing, I beg to differ.  No one on the face of this earth is more qualified to be a mom than I am. I walked through that fire in order to be their mother. And I'm not going anywhere.

SM or SuperMom, Insurance Woes and the State of my Union tonight

I learned about how pathetic my new insurance is. Our employer just gave us new insurance, touting it as great and how they kept down costs. Well my premiums on generics went up by $3/each prescription (I take something like 9). Then there are the two name brand ones I take that went from $30/month to $45/month.

Then my specialist copay went from $30 to $50.  So my costs for the year have increased by a lot. If I go into the hospital it's $200/day.

So tonight I sit frustrated at not being able to be treated by a program that could have helped me a lot. Instead I have to or am blessed to return to my job in the next couple of days and then see my doctor soon. I do not know how long I will feel bad or if I'll start feeling better tomorrow.

But tonight I just feel let down by my company. We work hard for them and they bought us crappy insurance this year. Perhaps this makes me feel better about that resume that I sent out this morning looking for ANOTHER JOB. I'm getting out of that place.

Until then I'm choosing to let go of the frustration as it serves no one. I'm missing my little people but it was a joy to wake up with them giggling this morning, already dressed and ready for the day. They are stepping up and taking more responsibility around here and it's been great. My oldest drew a picture of me in a dress with SM on the front for SuperMom. ha. Go put that in your pipe, dad, and suck it.

Fried Noodles and Calm in the Storm

I feel like my brain is made up of fried noodles. What little intelligence I had left me this morning and has  not returned today. Today was the world's longest day or it seemed like it. You know those - everyone has them - they go on and on and you're usually working on some extremely stimulating and interesting work project (yeah right - does ANYONE ever get those) and then your noodles get fried.

I seriously am gonna go to bed and don't laugh - it's like 7:30. My dog's gonna be bummed because that means he'll be in his kennel for FOREVER. Poor baby. Better in there than defacing my house. He's fluffy but he is still a naughty toddler dog.  No boundaries. YET. I will win. I will win. If it's the last thing that I do.

Got my giant order of bead earrings tonight and I'm too tired to even work on processing them. I was going to have them be $9.99/each or 2/$18. Now I'm thinking 2/$15. Dunno, maybe try the higher price and then see. I can always change signs as I am not individually pricing them.  That would take WAY TOO MUCH TIME.  I realized that I have no time. I had the kids for the three day weekend, took them to dad's, then picked them up and they will come here Thursday to spend the night. Then I will have about 3 hours to myself on Friday night to prep my earrings. Heck maybe I'll save them for Saturday. I could sit and unwrap them while no one watches. (complicated)

So seriously this is it, I'm turning in, my goose is cooked and my noodle's fried and I'm DONE for the day.  Maybe tomorrow will be better. Plus I'm starting to NOT feel good again and I'm done with this roller coaster.  There are times like the last 3-4 months when I've really really hated having bipolar disorder. I do not bounce back from the ups and downs as easily as when I was younger. Now it takes longer, I'm under ten times the pressure and responsibilities.

I long for a day when my life was simpler. Less complex with less problems. I'm not sure what God's teaching me but I must be DUMB because apparently I'm not getting it. So here I go through the wringer again...or that is what I feel like. Reality: most of how I feel is related to bipolar disorder and how it effects my life and my choices and my family.

My new earrings are making my ears itch. Not a good sign. Maybe I'm one of those allergic to nickel and these are filled with nickel? Who knows? The joker knows.....ha ha ha ha ha.

Night all. I remain here for another day, whose purpose has yet to be revealed in me. This morning, in all seriousness, I felt a calling of sorts. I was praying to God over my lunch hour and listening to Christian radio. I realized that my calling is to be the "calm in the storm" to my two children. I may not be able to control the storms in their lives that relate to their dad and me but I can be their calm in the middle of those storms. Tonight that is going to be my new goal: to be my angel's "calm in the storm."

Crack of Dawn

This mom's up at the crack of dawn, a little like the Proverbs 31 lady, preparing my household to go to the market to sell things. Last week was my first week and it did not go well.  I am hoping it will go better this week since the kids are here and that they will have fun and learn about running a business.

I am giving them 15 more minutes to sleep but they have gotten enough as I put them to bed early.  One slept in his/her clothes so as not to have to get ready this morning. I kind of laughed. The other is in jammies and will get dressed here in a little bit.

I am feeding bagels this morning and we're stopping at a quick shop on the way for special drinks (juice, milk, etc).  I figure that will motivate the sleepy heads on this early of a morning.

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Didn't post this this morning. It was a nightmare. I didn't sell a thing. What a collosal waste of time and energy.

Profound Silence and Sense of Aloneness

In the middle of the hurt and chaos I just had the most profound sense of God saying to me "I am with you." The tears streamed down my eyes because I was just in the kitchen feeling completely and utterly alone. Then this. I think God speaks to us in many ways: directly, through others, through music, writings, the Bible. Tonight God spoke to my heart and met my deepest need.

I'm physically feeling not like myself, I'll be okay but it's just a rough patch. I don't have anyone to help. I need help cleaning, organizing, etc. but there is just me. I hate being a single parent. I hate it and years later I still hate it. I was not designed to be alone.

Tonight I'm discouraged, angry, frustrated, not feeling good and alone. Utterly alone. But my God has promised to care for me and He is, it's just that sometimes I will admit that I don't always agree with the plan He has for me. I'm rebellious like that.

There is so much more I want to write but I also know that anything I say here is liable to wind up in some court hearing. So why bother? I'm fairly sure my ex has found this site which doesn't surprise me. That is what he does.

I am frustrated because I have no one and no where to voice my feelings to that is safe. Every person, every doctor and therapist can be subpeoned. So who do I really have, really? Can you tell I'm at my wit's end? I'm worn down, worn out, tired of playing this dumb game.

I am not sure how much more my body can take.

A little hot glue gun and we're all set here

So I've started this company, which will remain nameless on here, but it is my dream and it'll be a part-time gig until God blesses it if He chooses to.  Just got an earring holder (stand-you know the kind you see at department stores?).  Well I stripped two of the screws. So I thought to myself, how to fill this hole and re-drill. I didn't have epoxy then I realized that I did own a hot glue gun so I filled the holes and re-drilled and so far they are holding just fine.

I'm hoping my earrings come tomorrow but right now they are in New York City but they've cleared customs so that is good.  Transferred from UBX Express to UPS here in the states. I want them to come tomorrow night so much - I've got a big sign on my front door: please leave all deliveries here, and signed it! ha

Today my doctor removed me from one of my medicines because it was making me manic. I wasn't sleeping again, it was a real drag. I took a day off of work today because I didn't sleep good for the past two nights and I've been running on manic adrenaline for probably a week or so now.  I caught this one early so we were able to jump on it before it became debilitating.

This is my reality. I cycle back and forth from mania to depression. I'm an ultra rapid cycler, often doing this within the course of a day. I'm hard to treat and probably difficult to be with. It is who I am and God says in the Bible that I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I cling to that verse with everything in me.

I'm hoping to go back to work tomorrow because even if I'm sick it'll look bad being gone because it is a holiday weekend.  So I'm praying for a good night's sleep tonight.  I need good, restful sleep in order to do my job.  This sucks.  I was talking to my dad about disability and even though I would qualify for it easily I want to work as long as I can. I do. It's just really really hard right now.

I really need to have a good sales day Saturday or my business could be in a world of hurt fast. I need to sell...sell...sell.  So I've bought a giant 22x28 sign holder that holds 25% off signs and if I choose a 50% off sign. I added watches to my offering and hopefully will have earrings by tomorrow. I will have to put  about 200 pairs of earrings on earring cards. I think that I've decided NOT to label them by SKU number, but to just put them up and have a set price per pair of earrings. I'm doing $9.99/pair of beaded earrings or $18/for two pair. (saves $2.). I'm hoping that a little clever marketing will help.

I also bought these cheese starburst signs in neon colors. I'm going to put them on the top of my necklace forms with the price of the item being sold and it's reduced price. I'm hoping some bright colors and promises of discounts will get people to get out their wallets. Plus we take all credit, debit, checks and cash. So how do you go wrong with that?  I've got my wireless credit card machine charging now.

I just looked at my earring stand and I think that I put in one of the holders wrong. Darn it.

Sitting here, waiting to get tired and come down from the manic high so I can go to bed for the night.  How sad is that? :-)

Until tomorrow I remain sane! ha

The state of my union, my day

The day. The day. It was a day. It was a long day, beginning at 3:30 a.m., the time in which I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm exhausted.  There are no words for what I'm going through but I know God will provide me the strength for what is in front of me.

I am headed to bed in about 15 minutes. Poor dog was kenneled all day, he was so happy to see me that he broke his door off the kennel when I got home trying to get out!  Luckily it popped back on and he wasn't hurt. Poor baby. He and I are playing ball - he's a retriever and likes to retrieve, just not the giving it back to me part!  He's like "X, I go get my prize then you keep taking it and throwing it away from me. Why is that fun?" Then he promptly goes to get it and brings it back.

The day was not all bad. There was one nice part and I'll keep that to myself. It was just nice, normal, familiar.

So with that I'll bid you guys goodnight and hope tomorrow brings new mercies and more grace from God.

Done. Done. Done.

Hard day at work. Hard day personally.  I had a rough day at work, not really related to work, just rough physically and I'm tired. Nothing went right today or so it seems but I need to realize that everything went according to God's plan for this day for me. I know this in my head but it does not make my heart feel better.  My heart is weary, my body worn out.

I have two many things on my plate, two many irons in the fire, too much to handle, whatever the expression is that sums up how I feel tonight. Defeated. Overwhelmed but not despondent. That is the difference. Where things like today used to WIPE ME OUT totally now they are just blips on the radar screen.  Even my dog has it in for me tonight. This morning I was in the shower, lathering my shampoo, minding my own business. I turn around and there, in my tub is my puppy. Water dogs. He promptly got shooed out. I kinda laughed because it was pretty funny.

Tonight is not the time to start any new projects. It is not the time to worry about what tomorrow may or might not bring. It is the time for me to rest in the Lord. Sometimes I need to do this in a very real way. Relax, mentally and physically, read my Bible, pray, dwell on God's word and listen for what I think He's trying to tell me.  And go to bed early. Tonight is a go to bed early night. In fact I might go there in the next 20 minutes!  ha!  I'm an old lady I tell you.

Today my body reacted in a way that I did not count on and it was horrible. I had to take extra medication to deal with it all. Then I was so tired I could barely do my work.  I ate something after work so I felt tons better.

You ever have days that feel like train wrecks? I feel like I've been run over by a train but my faith tells me that I'm right where God wants me...or He's trying to move me somewhere.

Don't like it when my child leaves angry at me for a discipline he/she totally deserved. I even let him/her off lighter than I had planned to at first.

I'm just done for the day. No big insights. Nothing inspiring. I feel flat, frustrated and exhausted. I know tomorrow is a new day in it with new mercies and I just have to trust that God will replenish my heart while I sleep.

Until then.

God's Perfect Timing for this Restless Soul

In this world of Facebook, My Space, Twitter and every other social media, I have never felt so isolated and alone yet I have more friends again now than I have had in almost twenty years. Sweet irony.

I sit here on my sofa, in the dark, watching tv while surfing on Facebook and writing on here. I spent most of the day working on my new business and decided to take some time to just relax - to enjoy the day of rest as God intended it.  It is hard to NOT be busy. Busy is good. Why is that? Well, for starters, I doubt that I'm the only one who feels like this but when you're busy, you don't have the time to think about what is really bothering you.

Which leads me to the next question. What exactly is it that is bothering me?  I'd like to say that I'm going to spill my guts on here but hey, this is the internet, it's public and I'm not saying. Perhaps it is that I don't know. Perhaps it is that I know and that I'm terrified to say. Perhaps I don't know and that is why my face broke out with hives this week from the stress. There are many options to choose from.

What I know is that my heart hurts. It still does and probably always will. It hurts for me. It hurts for my kids. It hurts for the loss of the hopes and dreams I had for my/our future.  My heart is worried. It worries when I should be trusting God. I worry about whether I'll have a job next week. I worry about being able to provide for my children. I'd like to say that after all these amazing years being a Believer that I don't struggle with worry but I do. It's tied into my anxiety and God knows I have issues with that.

I feel that I'm miraculously flawed but at the same time beautifully and wonderfully made. Perhaps I'm just a human this side of heaven. Living out her faith the best she knows how, trying to be a good example to her children. Trying to just make it. Survive. I'd love to thrive but I'll go with survive at this point! ha

So I sit, I sit and I wait until it's time for bed so tomorrow can get here earlier.  Tomorrow could begin the beginning of something good, a change for the better.  I can't go into it on here but if we're friends you know how to get a hold of me and we can talk.  Lets just say that I believe that God has been working me through His perfect plan in His perfect timing and that it is finally the time.

Put it together Yourself Furniture

This morning I thought to myself, hey, I'll put together that bookcase for the kid's room that I bought for them. They're not here, less people, easier to concentrate.  I can't even put the dang thing together and there is no help.  There is no one to help and there is no one to put it together. I am so angry right now I want to spit.

I feel like a failure. My kids think that I can do anything and I suck at it all.  I CANNOT DO EVERYTHING. I'm just one person and one person cannot do it all.  To expect it of one person is not frankly what God had in mind. He designed it to be a partnership, and for that marriage to be until death do us part.

I'm frustrated and just want to scream. Instead I think that I'll go lay down until I calm down.

Maybe I'll try the stupid bookshelf later. I need to buy them a dresser too...how the heck am I supposed to put that together?  I hate this. I hate living here, I hate this apartment, I hate this life, I hate this life, I hate it all.

Not the best day but Fun Nonetheless

Struck out today at my first market. Lots of looky lou's but no buyers. I was discouraged for a while then I've made a plan for how to attack next week. I'm having a giant SALE and bringing in different things.  The best part of my day was when my little people were brought up to see me, bringing hugs and kisses and such. The rest of the time was spent talking to the lady next door who was selling the most God awful silk flower bouquets. I mean, really, who buys fake plants?  Apparently more people than who buy my jewelry!

Came home, let the dog out and took a nap. Woke up, realized later that he had EATEN the door frame to the bathroom which looked to be wet wood.  I am sore at him. Or was. Now he's fluffy and in his kennel ready for bed.  Thinking of taking him next week to the market but need to read the rules.  I will have my kids next weekend and they are going to be a handful. Perhaps take the dog another time would be the wise move.

Nice to have a day of no stress. Today I didn't worry if I was going to have a job tomorrow/Monday. Today I didn't feel the pressure to work as fast as I could to avoid being downsized. Today I just got to do what I love. Except without the money part! ha

Hanging out tonight watching some movie on TNT.  Dog is jealous of my kitty who has come to get her head rubbed.  He wants to eat my two kitties! Not really, I think he just wants to give them a big lick.

Oh no one of my cats is having a hairball cough.  Dog's barking. Night all

Night Before Christmas, er, the Launch

It's the night before I launch my new business.  I'm not even quite ready. I have two bags of product that is not priced.  Gonna have to take my laptop to the place so I can reference my spreadsheet as I price things.  I do have enough to put out for day one.  I got nothing done last night as I had the kiddos here to spend the night.

On my lunch hour I trained on how to use my new credit card and check terminal. I'm pretty stoked about that.  Hoping that I don't run out of register paper.

I only have one sign, I'm so OUT OF IT. I couldn't find and ran out of time to find velvet to make table covers/table cloths so I went to the dollar store and got some pink ones. Tacky. I can't solve every problem tonight. I was able to get a load of laundry done so at least I can be clean tomorrow.  I'm thinking of going to bed now because I have to wake up at 5 in the morning to pack up all this stuff, feed the animal(s), get some food for me.

Too tired to even think about dinner.  I'm WIPED OUT and know it so I'm headed to bed.  I've learned when I need rest and I NEED REST in the biggest way.  God's got this all in His hands anyway.  I bought a speaker dock for my iPod so I can play Christian music tomorrow.  Made a sign about what types of payment we take and that we are giving away 10% of our net profits to charities locally.

Excited but the adrenaline is waning.  I should go. Perhaps if I'm not dead tomorrow I can post how it all went.   The kids are supposed to come see me (their dad said he'd bring them) and I hope that works out and isn't awkward.  Want to show my girls that hard work, God's help and some motivation will help you go far.

I need to sell a LOT of stuff tomorrow.

Quirky Bodies

So I sit here this Wednesday night, tired from a big day at work/big week.  To add insult to injury I have a small outbreak of hives. The bummer is that I would normally take Benedryl and that would kill them but I can't take it with my new medication.

Today I had to take a CPR class at work and had a very small panic attack during it.  The bummer part was that I could not leave - the lady teaching it said if anyone left they would stop the class and would not resume it until that person returned. So I sat there, in a hot room of too many people, suffering and could not escape. It was the worst!  The good news is that I used mind over matter and was able to get it under control through my thinking.  I made it through the class, passed the CPR certification and no one was the wiser.

So I sit here, at 7:55, ready for bed! ha. The other night I went to bed and the little kids were still outside playing (not mine, the neighbor's).  It reminded me of being little and having to go to bed when everyone else was still up.  Only this time I didn't care as I was happy to crawl into bed early.

This week has been really stressful, trying to launch a new business and it takes any extra energy that I have. I'm behind in some other things but I'm looking forward to Sunday when I can get caught up.

I'm thinking that although my poor dog was kenneled all day I am going to put him in the kennel and turn in soon.  I sound like an old lady sometimes. What it is is that I've learned how to take care of myself and when my body reacts and gives me hives I know that I need to relax a little bit.   So I've allowed myself some tv time tonight and plan to turn in soon.

Be good to yourself. Especially if you have any health issues. No one can do that but you. If you're tired, take care and catch some extra zz's. If you're weary, take care of yourself.  I feel this is a bit of a case of do as I say and not as I do....or I wouldn't be in the state I'm in.

Ahhhhh. God bring peace to my heart, strength to my body and joy to my soul. Only you can do this.

Excuse Me While I go Scream Now

Here I sit, maybe the last night where I actually have a job. I asked my supervisor for some time off for a doctor's appointment and she informed me she was no longer my direct supervisor and that I had to get it approved by HR. This is not good. They eliminated my job while I was on medical leave and now have me on a special project that leaves more to be desired. It is the most boring job I've ever done. I sit there every day thinking, well, this is better than when I worked at Target.  I'm on page 500 of a 900 page document that is highly detail oriented.

So I sit here tonight, trying not to freak out but every cell in my body is going holy moly.  I have the head knowledge to know that God will provide for my needs, He always has.  I am split in two: one part of me is FREAKED OUT and worried sick about losing my job potentially. The other part of me knows that God has something planned for me. I'm not feeling very joyous tonight, I will admit. I totally have a bad attitude and it is hard to keep your chin and hopes up when it looks like you're going down with the ship.

I sit here with a choice: how am I going to react if I talk to HR tomorrow and they let me go?  Will I handle it with dignity and grace or will I become angry and bitter? I get to choose how I will react.

It's still hard not to freak out. I mean I have two little kids, and three animals who depend on ME to provide for them.  I drive an old car that I've patched back together recently, I live in a tiny apartment that I am beginning to not like, and I have this sense of impending doom tonight. It's hard not to. I am HUMAN after all.

Then there is the part of me that contains my faith in God. That part of me knows that God knows when a sparrow falls from the sky, He knows how many hairs are on my head and he knows each and every day I have had and will have.  This wonderful and benevolent God of the Universe created me and cares about me deeply. He even sent His Son, Jesus, to die for my sins.

So tonight I'm split in two. Human and spiritual. Of course there is the possibility that HR will come through with a job for me, that is a possibility. I sit here, fully human in my reaction to this and my worry about this.

Excuse me while I go scream now.

A great day, A Grown Nephew and a Stint Under the Weather

Busy day today for this mom. This morning I had to go somewhere for family business, then got to work around 10:45. Then my dad called and one of my nephews was in town and wanted to go to lunch so I said SURE and was so excited. I hadn't seen him in years and it was such a great thing.

So around noon or so up he drove to my work to pick me up and we went out for lunch. Had a great time, it was like a time warp because it seems like it was just yesterday when he was just a little guy and I was babysitting him. Now he is this amazing, deeply spiritual and gifted young man.  We had fun!

After lunch my day seemed to drag. I have felt like I've been coming down with something for a couple of days now and this afternoon my throat hurt and nose was completely clogged. I have a nasty sinus infection and had to cancel having my kids tonight. That was hard because I miss them. I am going to bed around 8 I think.

Tomorrow I have an event in the morning at the kid's school then it's back to work all day.  I hope that I feel good enough to make it through the day.  I am thinking of putting the dog to bed early and just turning in. I need to call the kids as I do every night that I'm not with them and after that I'm calling it quits for the day.

No amazing revelations, nothing profound, just a day. Thankful to have a job still today, thankful for my nephew and his faith, thankful for my kitties and my dog. Thankful for my children. Thankful to God for giving me life and for sustaining me through another day.

Sometimes You Gotta Laugh at it All or You Get Too Darn Serious

Tonight I was driving in my car on my way to pick up THREE of countless scripts that I needed tonight (took last dose).  I was driving home wondering how many thousands of dollars and how many hours of driving I spend a year at the local CVS pharmacy! Sometimes when you can't change the situation you're in, you can take a different look at it, and I find humor helps.

Like....the humor of taking one med to counteract the results of another. Like the countless trips to the pharmacy, so many they know you by name when you go through the drive-thru to pick up your meds.  Like you know your doctor's assistants, front office personnel, his partners, and just about everyone else at his practice. Like the fact that when the pharmacist at the hospital gave a handout of common psych meds, I had taken 30 of them at some point in the past 18 years. These are things that I cannot change so instead I occasionally poke fun at myself.   You have to.

Like it's funny when you're in the hospital because you see the same people sometimes....staff and patients! I had multiple hospitalizations over the past 5-6 years and have been poked, prodded, shocked, medicated, not medicated, inpatient, outpatient, partiallly hospitalized, you name it.

This stuff is humorous.  I have a particularly hard to treat case of bipolar disorder I in case you wonder what it is I have. I am an ultra-rapid cycler which means I cycle from high to low in the course of hours, instead of others days, weeks, months or sometimes years. I've done ECT treatments, 14 or 16 of them, which didn't work.  I've spent countless hours in THERAPY and I hate that word. When did "they" decide it should be called "therapy" and not counseling?  I hate the word therapy. Then again, I don't like cliches either.

So tonight I'm just a girl. Hanging onto life, her job and her kids with all that she has, for however long she has.  I have a slight smirk on my face as I thought about checking to see if CVS is a publically traded company and that I should buy stock if it is!

I laugh at the fact that stuff that's easy for others is hard for me. I can't change it so why beat myself up over it.  I've done that too much and so have others.

This mom's gotta go call her kiddos. Night all. Go laugh at yourself tonight. Find something funny about your situation that you cannot change and change the way you see it - reframe your refererence.

On Normality

Today is better. I feel pretty good so far and it is nice to be HOME, even if it is this little apartment!  This morning I got up, steam cleaned my entry way and half of the apartment. I love getting dirt out of the carpet and it is amazing how much gunk is in there. I'm fairly sure they didn't clean the carpet before we moved here.

I am so worried about what is going to happen with my job. When I was on leave they got rid of my position apparently due to there being less need for it, etc. I was put on a special project that was to take the remainder of my FMLA leave and I'm still on that. Once that is over I do not know if I am going to have a job and I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with that. I'm a little freaked out.

I talked to my boss's boss and suggested that I be his executive administrative assistant and he kind of liked the idea and said he'd talk to HR about it. My friend saw the HR guy and him talking and when she came by they stopped talking. Could be something related to me, maybe not.  

I need a job, I need MY job or any job, I just need to stay employed. This would not be a good time to lose a job.  I need to remain stable, provide for my family, pay child support, pay for this apartment, etc. I just want to be normal and if I lose my job then it could potentially mess a lot of things up.

So I sit here, just a girl, wanting to just BE. Wishing for just one day there wasn't something causing stress and uncertainty in my life. I have felt displaced since I moved out of my home after the divorce was filed.  I've never felt at home anywhere, at either apartment. Sure I put up paintings and art, decorate, but it is empty.  I decorate this place not for me but for my children, to create "home" even though I do not feel this is home. The only time this place feels like home is when my children are here with me. The rest of the time it is just an average to yucky apartment somewhere in the midwest.

Sitting here watching Law and Order and once again they have a crazy person who killed someone and this perpetrator has bipolar disorder. So sick of the misinformation in the media. Yes, there are some who have done wild things while being bipolar but there are an awful lot of us who are just like me, people just trying to get by and be like everyone else. Normal.

I was made to feel like I wasn't normal for many years and it was very hurtful.  To be less than "normal" to someone else, especially if they are someone you are married to is atrocious. What a horrible way to treat someone and an even more horrible way to feel.

I no longer feel less than normal. I am beautifully made by God and am so valuable to Him that He sent His only Son to take my place and died on a cross for my sins.  I am NOT less than normal.  I might be unusual. I might be unique. I might be eccentric but I am NORMAL thank you very much!

Anyone else ever been made to feel like they were "less than" by someone else?

Nothing Profound, Just Questions

Another week at work, went better this week than last although the project I am working on is boring me to tears. I do not mean to sound ungrateful but I'm just frustrated, that's all.  In this economy I am just thankful to be employed.

Med adjustment again this week and I'm starting to feel better again.  It's Friday night and I'm here alone and I just feel....ALONE.  The only "things" I value are shorter than I am and are with their dad. Everything else is just "stuff." Those children are the only thing other than my relationship with God that I care about.  I hate being without them.

My heart is heavy for them lately but I can't go into that here. It is hard to take care of myself when I worry so about them.

Tonight I have no answers. I don't even know if I'll have a job next week. Not sure what God's doing or what He's trying to teach me.  I just have no answers. I am plagued with questions about so many things.

I'm angry. I'm angry that I am somehow not protecting my little ones.  They are counting on ME and only ME to make this right for them and it is such a big responsibility.  They fight so much, they are so angry about this unwanted change in their lives.  Heck, I am still angry about this unwanted change in my life and to my life. I am mad that my hopes and dreams for a  Godly family, including a husband, are gone.  Everything that I knew and loved is gone and I sit in this darn apartment on a Friday alone.

It is so hard to remain hopeful for myself and the kids. Even with my faith being strong it is still hard to remain hopeful. I can't see beyond the next paycheck and this crumby apartment.  I see no future. All I feel is despair and sadness tonight.  Joy comes in the morning sometimes.

I have no deep thoughts, no words of wisdom, nothing profound to say or write about. I just hurt and nothing makes it better. Nothing and no one.  My family was torn in two and nothing will ever be okay again. Sure some people remarry. Maybe I will too someday. Right now I just want to make it through today with the hope that tomorrow will be better.

Power to Do Evil or Do Good

Today on my drive to work I learned of the death of one of America's enemies, Osama Bin Laden. I hadn't had the tv on much yesterday and heard the news actually from the Christian radio station.   I was surprised at my reaction.

I am a die hard, go America, patriotic mom who supports our military in their efforts and as a patriot was proud of our accomplishment in bringing justice to this evil person. Then I began to think about the power each person has and that got me thinking about the fact that God gave us free will.  This amazing gift that allows us to choose Him or not.

I got to thinking about the power each one of us has to do good or do evil with our lives and with our choices. We can serve God or man.   Each one of us has the ability to affect our world in amazing ways. One man, Osama Bin Laden, choose to instill his evil and hate to a generation of followers.  He was just one man but his message was larger than him.

Think about Christianity and our ability to effect other's lives for good. We have this life-changing, bigger than us, message that literally can change a man or woman or child from the inside out and make them into a virtually different person. THIS IS THE GOOD NEWS.

So tonight of course I like many Americans feel some vindication for the death of this terrorist but I mainly am left with thoughts of the power one person can have. You. If you are a Christian, you get to be tapped into the God of the universe, the one who created Heaven and earth, through salvation.

So be one person who does amazing things for good, for eternity. Do things that will not be burned up by fire. Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. Build up for yourselves treasures in Heaven. Serve God is a big way, in your own way, as much as you physically and mentally can, and affect others for Him.

Live large! Let your faith, let your walk with Christ be that so that when you go to be with Jesus someday after your death others will say "she loved others." When I get to Heaven I want to hear God say "well done my good and faithful servant." I don't know if I'm meant to do big things or maybe I'm called to be faithful in the little things. I just know that whatever I am called to do I will do it heartily as unto the Lord.

Lets think tonight on the following of this big day in America of how we can effect the world for good and for God

Grace and Mercies for this Broken but Mending Mom

It's 7:44 as I write this and I just keep thinking, is it time for bed yet? I worked hard all day then had my children for a couple of hours. I was too tired to cook and out of food so we went out. Then came home, played with the dog and the other kids in the apartment complex. The kids are gone now and I'm sitting here with 15 minutes to myself. I should be cleaning but honestly I'm too freaking tired. If I don't regenerate myself by rest I burn out and it's not pretty.

So it's 7:44 and I rest. For a few minutes I try to decompress from my day. In a few minutes I will take out the dog for the last time, take my handful of medications for various and assorted things that I have and would rather not have, then crawl in bed.

But it's Thursday night and there's good TV on Thursdays. I just want to be awake and hang out. I wish my house was magically cleaned, my refrigerator was stocked with food, and that my dog was well behaved. So until then I rest, I work on cleaning when I can, I run to the grocery store tomorrow on my way to pick up the kids for the weekend, and as for the dog, that is a long term project.

To add to the humiliation of not feeling good my face is all broken out, the hives that turn into acne kind of break out. Not fun and probably med related. Oh the trials and frustrations of my ordinary little life.

Tonight I've decided to give myself the same kind of grace and mercies that God gives me. I need to give myself a break, be easy on myself until I'm feeling better.  I have the weekend coming up with the kids and that will leach my energy but also will refill it in a unique way.  They need me as I need them. That is the way it is between moms and their kids.  A symbiotic relationship.

So maybe I can make it until 9pm tonight. I'm kind of watching a tv show now that I want to see. I won't tell the name because I will lose all credibility here if I do!

Lesson of the day: give yourself some mercy (not getting what you do deserve) and some grace (getting something you don't deserve). If you've never experienced those mercies and grace filled moments from a relationship with God, let me tell you it will rock your world and change your life. It will give you hope beyond these broken bodies we're all walking around in.  God is the only person who can offer true hope.

Days that Don't go as "planned"

Anyone else had one of those days that just didn't go as planned? Or as WE planned? I had one of those today. If I wasn't putting my foot in my mouth I was talking non-stop at work (probably bored them silly), then had just the world's longest day.  I came home, hoping to catch a quick cat nap even for 20 minutes and no, that didn't go as planned or hoped for either.

Add to it that I've got hives and now you have a picture of my day.  I wonder if sometimes God allows these days to keep me humble. Because it worked. I'm humbled. Even had to send an apology letter via email today!

So tonight I'm humbled to know that I'm utterly human. To add insult to injury I've walked and walked and walked my dog and he won't go. :-) Gotta laugh at something today.

So today wasn't quite what I'd hoped for but it was exactly what God planned for me. I always need to remember that. Each and every thing that God allows to come through my life goes through and by Him first.

Tonight I have no insights, I'm just a girl who's trying to just make it in this world, stumbling along the way. Thankful that tomorrow is a new day with new mercies.

Advice Advice Everywhere

I'm having one of those weeks where I keep getting unwanted and un-asked for advice. Not quite sure what to make of it.  You ever have that happen to you? I mean my friend at work offered me some advice today that she doesn't even take herself! I wanted so much to really tell her off but knew that wouldn't be the right thing to do. I did call her on it in a non-threatening way.

It's seriously been a week full of this from all sorts of people and places.

This week I feel like I'm just swimming, trying desperately to keep my head above water. I'm making headway and starting to feel better but know this is a process. Every med change can take weeks and sometimes much longer before relief happens.  I am happy to report that the med I just got put back on seems to be lifting the little rain cloud that has been hovering over my head.

I've also got this friend who will remain nameless and every time that I talk with him I feel crappy about myself after. I'm beginning to wonder why I keep talking to him. Definite duh moment.  I want to hear what people have to say, good and bad, but when you get dumped on for years and years, the dumping gets a little old. You know?

My focus now is singular. It is on being the best mom that I can be. The includes taking care of myself, taking part in my health both mental and physical. This means participating in therapy like I do, talking about what is going on in my life, whether I feel like it or not.  Managing bipolar disorder is often a combination of things: medication, therapy, exercise and healthy living. Oh how I wish that I could do all of those at the same time. I've got medication and therapy down pat. I'm starting to work on the exercise part by walking my new dog and the healthy living part is simply not happening.

Oh I forgot what I think is the most important part: your faith in God! My faith in God outweighs my medication, therapy, exercise, and any tofu on the planet. My faith in God is what makes me get out of bed when I think that I cannot. My faith in my Redeemer is what keeps me keep on keeping on.  My relationship with God is my love. He has become the One in my life now that I am divorced. He stepped in and filled that role my husband used to fill a long time ago before he gave up on us. So don't forget to include your faith in God when you are managing your bipolar disorder.

Another thing I got to thinking about today is how mean women are to each other. What is that about? Instead of tending to each other's wounds we wound each other further often times. I have a small group of gals that I am learning to trust and get to know and it is nice. I grew up with brothers and always was friends with guys because I could relate to them better and there wasn't this pettiness that I felt around other girls.  Here I find myself in a world of women, no men really to be found. So it's a brave new world. I've so enjoyed getting acquainted with some older friends again and getting to know some newer friends. God created us for relationship. With one another. For friendships, for romance, for love, for killing time together.

So lets teach our children, especially if you have daughters, to embrace other girls and to not see them as competition but as comrades. Lets model THAT for our daughters.

70 x 7 daily

Tonight I have a few things to say. 1. God is good. No matter what. 2. I'm going to follow Him. No matter what I face. and 3. No one is going to get my focus off of what is important to me and that is this, in this order A. God  B. My children C. My family D. My friends E. My church F. My job.

I know where I am in life, I know where I'm going and I'm trusting God to take me there in His time. The world can throw all the sludge at me it wants because I am not going to cave. In the Bible it even says that God loves the broken hearted. So I'm in good company. God loves me just the way that I am.  People's manipulations are just that and they're petty and silly.

One thing that I've noticed over the years is Christians often shoot their own wounded. I think that is a shame. One reason that I write this blog is so that other people, especially women, can know that they are not alone and that there is Someone bigger than their problems (God) to help.  I write this blog as much for myself as for others. If I wanted fame I would promote the blog but I don't. I have about 10-15 followers and that is pushing it.

Makes me even more determined to keep writing my book because I have a lot to say and a voice to say it finally. I know who I am in Christ and want others to know who they are too. Perhaps I will spend less time on the burgeoning business and more time on the book. Ah but it's all so fun!

Tonight I leave you with this. When "life" beats you down, get up. When someone laughs at you, walk away. When someone hurts you, forgive them. Even if you have to forgive them every single day for the rest of your life. 70 x 7 to the extreme. For some circumstances forgiveness is something you give another on a daily basis.  Holding onto hate will just rot your insides and make you miserable and who wants to live like that? I sure don't!

Tonight I let go, I give it all back to God (and there is a lot), and I choose to forgive.

Credo

Another very productive day. Even got the dog washed today! Man alive he must have rolled in mud when I wasn't looking. It was funny. Giving a retriever a bath is like giving him a present. It was sweet. Now the slightly damp dog is laying under my right elbow, cuddling. It is quite sweet.

Was able to get a lot of things priced today which was good. Snagged a nap which is always a nice thing on my weekends by myself.

Missing my little people something fierce. When they are not home with me I miss them more than life itself. Hopefully I will get to talk to them on the phone tonight. I need to hear their little voices. It's a mom thing. Something about hearing their voices every single day allows me to relax, to know they are safe and sound even though they are not always with me.

Spent some time talking to a friend and her words of wisdom and encouragement were just what I needed to hear. There is nothing like the kind word of a friend or confidante in order to battle what we're going through.

Today I am thankful. I am thankful for my life. I am thankful to be free. I am thankful to be able to make my own decisions. I am thankful to be me and to know that who I am is who and how God made me to be. Not that I am anywhere near perfect. God works on me each and every day and has for the past few years especially. I am stronger than anyone anticipated except maybe my mom who knows how stinkin tough I am.  A month after divorce papers were filed, my mom gave me a Christmas ornament that was hand-carved and titled "courage" because she said that I have more courage than anyone she has ever known. I cherish that little statue and have it in my kitchen to remind me of who I am in Christ and what is possible with His help.

I'm most thankful for my children. They are: wonderful, artistic, sweet, thoughtful, generous, emotional, sensitive, and just the most amazing of gifts. Children are gifts from God that we parents get to care for but they are His. Always and forever. It is a pleasure to be their mother and it is what keeps me going day in and day out.

So this single mom is keeping her eyes on God, the author of my faith, the One who keeps me, the One who has forgiven my sins and is forgiving me daily for them as I do them. The Bible says and it's my favorite verse "As far as the east is from the west, so far He has removed our transgressions from us." I have made my peace with my Creator for my life and my choices (both good and bad) and have taken responsibility for them.

I am no longer the person I once was. Sure, there are parts of me who are the same but if anything I am more like the person I was before I got married. Hard to explain. I got lost for a while but I'M BACK and I'm not going anywhere. I like who I am today. I like the person Good is making me into. I like the person I already am. God says that I'm beautifully and wonderfully made. I believe that and tell my children that almost every time I see them. I want them to know who they really are in Christ.

This was longer than I had planned, must have had more on my heart than I realized at first.

Productive Day Today

I've had such a productive day today! Which was nice! I got some things done that were needed and some things I hadn't planned to work on.

I even got to talk to a good friend who had some good things to say to me. I am thankful for his friendship.

Tonight I am at peace.  Now I'm just hanging out watching some tv which is fun. Work is good but everyone needs to take a break and relax.

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday where we celebrate our Lord's resurrection. Without the resurrection, it is the whole point of the gospel.  Because He rose again, we have that ability when we die if we know Him. What an amazing gift God gave when He allowed His Son to take the sins of the world on Him!

Happy Easter everyone!

So tired

I'm just so tired. Exhausted. Made it through another day, intact. That is always a bonus.  

Learning that people fail you. Over and over again. It is hard to trust, even with friends.  I trust my children, and some of my family. It is too bad it is this way.  My trust was utterly broken and betrayed when my ex-spouse no longer wanted to be married to me.  Frankly it has not been intact ever since. I've become self-reliant in a way while still knowing that my very breath comes from  God and that I control nothing.

I feel like I learn the same lessons over and over and over again. Perhaps that is life. Perhaps that is the Christian journey. Perhaps I am just dunce. Perhaps.

My life feels like it's spinning out of control a little bit and I'm in that space where all you have and all that you can do is trust God, with everything in you.  He alone is trustworthy.

So tired. This gal's calling it a night.

Night all.

All about Priorities - NOT

Frustrated is how I feel. Sometimes those I love and who love me are less than supportive. I mentioned to one family member recently that I felt under the pile and his answer was "it's all about priorities." No, it's not. I'm under the pile because I have bipolar disorder and I'm struggling with depression. I cannot prioritize it away. I take care of myself, I get enough sleep, I care for my children and hold down a full time job. I don't do it all perfectly but who does.

So I will not prioritize. I will feel. I will allow myself to be human and to feel. I think those who do not have something productive to say should not say anything at all.  I get that it is hard to know what to talk to someone who has bipolar disorder and be able to relate to them. Know that I like things like movies, kids, pets, the same things you like. I am NOT my disorder. I am also not a set of priorities.

Nor will I be silent if I'm not feeling good. I am my only advocate. I have no one to help me now that I am divorced. I have no one to rely on other than God. It is just me, all the time and there is no relief in site it seems. My hope comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.

I still get frustrated. People who have what I have are on permanent disability yet I refuse it and keep working and will work until I am no longer able to work.  But it is hard to work full time and do what I do. I admit that. Doesn't mean that I'm stopping anytime soon but people need to understand that having bipolar disorder can be devastating to your life. My heart and mind want to do so many things and I feel trapped in this body that won't "behave" properly. I am going on 18 years of being diagnosed with it.

I will not give up, I will keep on keeping on. I will do my best. Someday when I go meet Jesus I want more than anything to hear Him say "well done my good and faithful servant." I'm probably not going to change the world or do anything dramatic but I do believe God has called me to be faithful as a mom of my children, be faithful in my job, at my church and to my family and friends. God has called me to be faithful in the little things because for me these little things are big things. Living my life with bipolar disorder is doing a big thing. It is being brave enough to keep on keeping on, because of my faith, so that I can continue to do the thing that I love most and that is be a mom to my children.

The kids have got to know I'm different. The oldest is smart enough and old enough to know something. I'll never be a normal soccer mom who hosts sleepovers and throws great parties. I will pledge to love the children with every fiber of my being for the rest of my life. That is my calling and my passion.

Please continue to pray with me and for me as I travel this road that God has for me. It's often not easy, in fact its often very very hard but I will not give up. I will keep on keeping on as long as God will allow me.

I feel buried and I have no help. That is a horrible feeling. My doctor helps but the practical help that I need he cannot do and I cannot ask others to do. Somehow this mom will have to find within herself or within God the strength to do what is necessary. Dealing with ex's is no fun but I am no longer going to be silent. I will do what is best for my children no matter the obstacle.

So pray. Pray for healing for my body and mind. Pray for peace. Pray for ENERGY as that is what I need the most. Pray that the meds will quit causing weight gain and I can go back down to where I was. It's like a terrible blur of things all stirred together like a tornado in a glass.  Yet, having said that I know that God is faithful to complete the work He began with me until completion.  

Hoping that I get this job that I applied for so that I can build up some financial reserves. I have gone through quite a bit of my own money being on FMLA leave and being on an abbreviated work schedule (still not full time yet). I have to trust that God will replenish my finances. The tax man hurt deeply this year. I'm trying to start this business in my spare time but in my spare time I'm so tired it is very hard to do. I keep on doing one or two or three items a day, eventually they'll be online and soon I can open my online store.

So many things hang heavy on my heart tonight. If you are my friend, pray with me. For me.

Lord, I need More Wisdom

I got a nice nap today until my dad called in the middle of it but I still got 2.5 hours and it was heavenly.  It was just what I needed. I talked to the insurance lady, my attorney and my doctor's assistant all in one morning. Still haven't heard about the job but they are announcing it until the 22nd.

Doctor changing my meds AGAIN, hoping to help me feel better. I do hope so. Tomorrow I start back at 5 hours a day. For one more week. So I figure that I'll take a lunch after 3 hours come home take care of dog, then go back for 2 hours.  I have the kids this weekend and need to hit the grocery store tomorrow.  I made my list the other day.

Tonight I'm just feeling under the pile a little bit. I'm hoping the med adjustment can help me feel better.

I also really hope they give me the job I applied for at work if that is what God wants for me. I really want this job - it would be salaried and potentially pay more than what I make now.  Plus it is a department and skill set that is transferable.

The rain is coming. This would be the first time it's rained and I have to take the dog out. Fun. Going to need to have multiple umbrellas. One for car, one or two for here. Towels. Stuff I don't have tonight. Hoping little dude makes it through the night without any accidents.

Just feel like I have a lot going on right now. More chances to trust God, to lean on His strength and not mine. To pray for peace and health. I need the return of my health in a real way. I'm either going to get worse or better, and if I get worse I could lose my job and that would not be good. It took so long to find this job. To lose it for health reasons would stink.

So if you're following this please continue to pray for me and for my health. Pray for my kids. Pray for wisdom for me. I need more wisdom.

Came up for air to get clobbered again

I feel like I just came up for air, that I was feeling good, better than ever. Then I got clobbered. Not feeling so hot anymore, working on that with doctor, it seems we're always adjusting something in order to keep this breakable body of mine working. Honestly it gets discouraging. There are many times I wish that I didn't have to spend hundreds of dollars a month on meds and vitamins. But I do. What I spend on meds I could buy a new car for. That type of thing is frustrating.

Then I am doing great, get a new dog who is the best thing that I've done for myself in a long time. He's sweet, soft and has a gentle spirit. He keeps running around here bumping his head on the coffee table. He must not have any short term memory.  It's funny. When we spend time together, sometimes he plays but often he takes his cues from me and just lays with his head on my lap. Already filling his soon to be role as a therapy dog.  Bought him a bag of new rawhide treats. Poor thing needed something to EAT other than my papers!

Got the kids coming for the weekend. Looking forward to that. Need to plan meals, buy food. Plan activities. I was going to take them to a movie last time but it was PG and I thought both parties weren't doing PG, well I was wrong so guess what once again mom is the bad mom and dad is the hero. Big surprise. I'm so sick of this crap. Sick of his games and crap. Sick of him. It is amazing that I ever loved this man who has hurt me so long and so deeply. My anniversary just passed, my first one not being married and I didn't even remember! ha That shows how far I've come.

Two and a half weeks and I get to take my starter earrings out (just got my ears re-pierced). I CANNOT WAIT to buy some hot earrings.

Meanwhile I am struggling with one of my meds and the weight gain it causes. Frustrated to say the least. People have so many things to offer, I know they have good intentions but frankly if they haven't walked in my shoes they have no idea and do not know.

Tonight I just am. Not good and not bad really. Discouraged a little bit. Overwhelmed a little bit. Alone. A lot. Glad to have my furry pal. Pray for this girl as she negotiates through life.

I need more energy. I need to feel better.

Thankful

This morning on my way to work I was in a traffic accident. My car was beat up pretty bad on the front but the other lady's car was NOT good. Her back axle practically fell off. Both back tires blew or came off of their rims.

I worked until noon then came home and slept four hours straight. I was so tired. I ached too from the impact of the car crash.

Was able to see the kids tonight which was good. Went to BKing which is one child's favorite "food" and I do say "food" in quotes. Not sure it is food.

Played with the dog after dinner, he was sweet now he's tuckered out.

Feeling a little overwhelmed on the car issue but know that it will work out. I will call the insurance lady tomorrow. Contacted my attorney today, waiting to hear back from her.

Tonight I am just tired. Happy to be alive but tired.

Relaxing and Refreshing

I need a house keeper! ha. wouldn't that be nice. Today was the weirdest day. I am working on this project which requires someone else to do something before I can scan hundreds and thousands of documents. Well today she hadn't done it so I sat there for four hours looking busy. It was weird. I backed up my email, cleaned out my documents folder, downloaded some Crock Pot recipes, etc. Weird weird weird.

I then came home and took a great nap. I needed it.  I had hoped to hear back from my doctor today but not yet. Need to adjust some things.  Hopefully tomorrow I can get some answers.

Had a great afternoon. Took time off to rest and relax. I went outside with the dog and hung out, just the two of us, several times.  It was just so nice. I like having a little buddy to trust in and to be trusted for.

He's getting tired, looking for bed. I'll probably head to bed at 9, turn in a little early.

Watching tv tonight was great. Talked to a gal from church and it was so refreshing to speak with someone caring and nice and who understood the rigors of being a single mom. Makes me feel empowered when women pass wisdom along to other women.

Tonight I have peace. I feel good.  Less stress today helped a lot. Amazing how that works. I really have to watch my stress both at work and at home. For me, being with the kids is relaxing and peaceful. I can't wait to see them again.

Tonight I'm giving it all, including myself, back to God's care for another night. Thanking Him for such a wonderfully relaxing and refreshing day.

Reframing My World

Today I realized that I need to re-frame the way that I look at things. Sometimes I feel less enthusiastic about having bipolar disorder. Sometimes I hate it. Today I realized that it has given me this amazing opportunity to meet other people who either have bipolar disorder, or are related to or married to someone with this (sometimes) debilitating disorder.

What to me is a weakness (what I was told for years) is actually a gift, a chance to help others. An opportunity for a new mission field. That's the way I have to look at it.  I will not give into the depression. I will never give up. I will keep on, keeping on, as long as God will have me here on this beautiful place called Earth he created.

When the depression sets in, I begin to doubt myself and the truth is simple: I am beautifully and wonderfully made. I am made and AM the way God intended me to be. In His image. I am writing these words yet they are still hard for me to believe. When you are around people or someone who erodes your self esteem day after day, you begin to doubt who you really are. That is what happened to me.  

Tonight I was reminded of one of my favorite verses: "As far as the east is from the west, so far He has removed our transgressions from us." I am destined to hear this over and over and over and over. Forgiveness is a process. God has already forgiven me for anything that I've done in my past now I have to forgive myself.  I am so harsh with myself and I punish myself for things that I could not control. I blame myself for things that were not my fault. I am unlearning so many things and have been over the last few years.

I feel immensely alone. I feel like my kids were ripped from me, I feel like my family likes me as long as I'm not too much trouble of effect their lives too much. I feel utterly alone. I know in my head that I am not but I FEEL that I am.  I need to spend some time in the scriptures, I need more of Him in me. More grace, more mercy. More of what He promised. He promised so many wonderful things but He never promised that it would be easy. I am a living testament to that.

So if you're on my team, pray for God's tender mercies to land on my heart tonight. I miss my children and talking to them for five minutes for the whole weekend is simply not enough. I feel lost without them. I will never adjust to this darn divorce. I still feel a lot of anger about it all.  Got to let it go. If I don't, it and the other person involved will get in my head and mess with it.  I need to fill my head instead with the things of God.

Grateful. Missing. Heavy. Hearted.

Today was an extremely productive day. I conquered a project that I didn't think that I could and it felt great to do it ON MY OWN. There is such immense pride in doing something on your own and feeling that sense of accomplishment afterwards. Not in a prideful way, but in a good kind of way.  This sense of accomplishment means to me, personally, that I have come so far in this journey of mine. From woman without any self esteem that was good to a woman who truly believes that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Oh what a journey I have begun. I have not ended it and will not until the last breath I breathe and I am in my Savior's arms. Worshipping at the throne of my God, His son my Redeemer.   I'm in no hurry to get there, mind you, but there are days when I am intensely aware that my heart is already in Heaven and my body is just here taking up space. Does that sound odd?  I fear my words do not convey what I truly feel.

Grateful. That is what I feel. I feel like I have a second chance at life and am enjoying it immensely. It is not a walk in the park mind you, it is often very hard and difficult. I struggle with many things and am aware of just how human I am.  I am here by the grace of God and that is all. Sheer determination has played a major part too. When others would have caved I dug in, with God's help, learning to rely on Him in my weakness and for His strength.

Tonight I miss my children immensely. Profusely. More than ever. When they are here, this is home. The rest of the time it is an apartment. They are what make this place a home.  On my weekends without them, when they are with their dad I miss them more than ever.  When they are here, my heart is at peace.

So much on my mind and heart tonight.  Heavy heart, heavy mind. Going to give it all to God as I have absolutely no control over any of it. Tonight I leave it at my Savior's throne. I give myself to Him and to His care.

Shine On

We are beaten, but not cast down. God has won this battle before it even began. I need to remember that on weeks and periods like this. When I feel beaten down by others, not only have "they" won but I'm not letting God win. In reality, nothing that comes across my life that God doesn't allow. That blows my mind. That means the good, the bad, the trials, everything. Like Job, God had to give Satan permission to tempt Job. For me, every thing and every person in my life who is troubling is sent or allowed to be there by  God. Does that mean that I understand it? Nope. Just know it's true.

God works all things for good to them who love Him. ALL THINGS. Not just the good things. ALL THINGS. Each and every thing. Each and every person. Even the ones we dislike. No, disliking people is probably not very Christ like but there are some people who I have a hard time giving to God. Giving the pain of what they do to me back to God. If I let it, it festers inside me and then these people "win" and I lose. I wind up unhappy, controlled and just not a happy camper. When I give even my enemies back to God, it is then that I am my happiest for it is then that I have given up all control to the One who made me. The one who wove me when I was in my mother's womb.

I have been through too much to quit now. There are some who would love to see me fail but I will not fail. I will continue trusting God in the midst of it all. I will continue getting up every time I'm knocked down. I will continue this "fight" called life which is, in reality, just a blessing.

Writing for me is cathartic. It cleanses my soul and is my way to worship and give praise to the One who made me. Beautifully and wonderfully made. With all my many intricacies. I won't joke - I am not an easy person to know, be friends with, be married to. Having bipolar disorder is a blessing and a curse. It is both all wrapped up in one. One on hand, it is a "curse" because every day is hard. I have less energy than some others who do not have this disorder. I will have to take medication for it the rest of my life most likely.   Bearing under the burden of this disorder is very hard, I kid you not.

Would I wish it away? Yes and no. It is part of who I am but it does not define who I am. It is something that I have, that God deemed me to have. Would I wish it away? On many days, when I am feeling weak, the answer would be yes. That is why I call it a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because I believe that who I am is tied to this complicated disorder. It is part of what makes me creative, part of what makes me have deep and intense emotions.

There are days like today that I wish that I could take a short cut through what God is doing in my life. He's put a person in my life who is not going away and is probably never going to change. I can deal with that or be unhappy the rest of my life. I choose to deal with him, deal with it. It's just on moments like tonight I wish that my path were a little easier. I'm blessed in so many things but the burden my heart has gone through is almost more than one soul can bear. This is where the HOPE comes in.  It is when I am at my weakest that God is shining in me the most.

God, I'm weak. Shine on.

Job Title Change

Thought that I'd write about life. It is wild and unpredictable.  Yesterday I was informed my position had been eliminated due to business being down 30 percent. I'm being put on a special project which will include probably scanning thousands if not hundreds of thousands of auditing files.  It's a job and I'm thankful to still have one.  Hope that after these six weeks are through that I still have a job. I'm just leaving this one to God. Many things could happen.  I hope that I get moved to one department or one of the new ones they are creating.  I just have to demonstrate that I'm back, feeling great, better than ever and willing to work.  HR director once told me that he wished he had 20 's. How cool is that?

God has had a plan for my every portion of this journey and He will be my portion now.

So if you're a follower, please pray for my tentative situation. Also pray for my new company.  I'm getting closer every day but am frustrated with technical people who have a different schedule than I do.  I realize that I lost my technical person in the divorce which stinks but I am not letting that stop me. Unless God stops me I am pursuing my dream. It will take much effort and I can't wait. I am no stranger to hard work.

Keep on praying. God's not finished with me yet.

What can you do to further God's kingdom?

I realized the other day that I have been ignoring my blog.  I've needed a break.  I've needed to write on other things in other places.  My book is coming together, in fact I wrote about 3 or more pages today and than I had to stop.  I can go into the dark for a while but have to do it in short periods of time.  I then need to return to my Lord and to what He has done in my life.

I'm so pleased to be having a new addition to the house coming tomorrow.  So excited is an understatement.  I will blog about it at a later date.

Been thinking of how good God is and how much He has done to carry me when I needed some help. He reached down and plucked me out and  is using His grace in my life to point others to Him.  At least that is what I hope.

Had a nasty sinus infection for the past two weeks. No fun. This is in addition to the other things that I have been dealing with, learning about and learning to work on and conquer.

God is good. I am living proof. Every day is a gift. Use it for His glory. Let Him use you in whatever situation you are in.  If you are a stay at home mom, let Him use you to minister to your family and husband and perhaps others in similar circumstances. If you work outside the home, let God use you in the workplace to reveal Himself to those folks who sit by you in your cubicle.

I've bought an iPod Nano and am going to buy speakers for it.  I want to take it to work with me and share God's word through His music.  Tired of the golden oldies across the hall.  Now want to share Christ with these people who need Him.

So let God use you. Today. Right now. Think of something you could do today to further His kingdom.

Wonderful

It's been a while since I posted.  I've needed some time off....just to mend and relax.  I've been writing, just not on here!

It is my day off.  Ahhhhhh so thankful to still have a good job, to participate in life and to be MAKING IT.  I am doing this thing called life.  Oh I stink at it sometimes but I am doing it.

I am so mellow and at peace it is WONDERFUL.  What a nice gift from God.

Determined

I'm weary and tired but I'm not finished by any means.   The more someone tries to knock me down the more sure footed I become, the more I cling to God, the deeper my relationship with my Savior.

So many things that I want to do.  Right now it's about being faithful in the everyday things.  Sleep, eat, go to work, do my very best at work, contribute to other's lives, be a mother.

Is there more that I want?  Of course.  Right now I am doing what I can with what I have.  Am I doing it perfectly?  Nope!  Do I feel good about myself?  Yep!  I know that I honor God by keeping on keeping on.  When others try to knock me down and keep me down, I choose life.  I choose to get out of bed every day when physically and mentally it can be hard.  I choose to be a good mom...to teach and help mold small hearts.

I'm headed back to court. Again.  The thought makes me weary.  I am tired and weary but do not be fooled.  I am determined and I will not give up.

So Long

It's been a while since I've posted on here.  I've needed a break, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.  So I've taken a break.  I've been continuing to seek what God might have for me.

My counselor thinks that I've doing great and doesn't need to see me every week.  Woo hoo!  Maybe all the talking and the praying and the crying and the work are starting to help me heal.  My heart.

I am thinking of doing many things this next year, two of which will require a lot of time.  My heart is in one of them and the other I am cautiously looking into the other but it would require some time, money, and a lot of energy and commitment.

From where I sit, God is good.  He is all powerful and sits on the throne of my life.  I do not know from day to day what this will bring but it's an adventure.