Detante

I guess that I thought that since it was over things would be easier.  NOT.

No detante here.

God give me strength.  My kids need me.

Getting my stuff back

Today I get the afternoon to pack the things from the house that my ex-husband and I had together.  I have packers coming and a friend.  I am already a nervous wreck at the thought of having to spend the entire afternoon with my ex husband.  He stresses me out and I do not want conflict.  I am glad others will be there, he's less likely to cause problems with us  all there.

It i s going to be the world's longest morning.  I'm absolutely STARVING....didn't have dinner last night, just some snacks and now I'm ravenously hungry.  And broke.  Might have to be PB&J today.

I just gotta make it through Wednesday at 4...then it is our Christmas work party and I am sooo hoping we get a Christmas bonus because if we don't I probably can't afford to buy my kids Christmas presents this year.  That hurts my heart but it might be my reality.  We'll just see how things work out today.  I've decided to cut my move in half and only store at one location.  That should help.   I am excited about getting some furniture that I want, some that I've had for years and has been in my family that long.

Then God willing, Thursday I can go grocery shopping and buy presents for the week.  I get the kids next week every night for a week.....so I'm super excited. That is my Christmas present.

I should go shower and begin my day....and get some food in my stomach and go put all my boxes in the car and then find my packing tape and buy newspaper.  I am not going to buy a ton of extra stuff from these packers I've had to hire.  Also need markers......

ahhhhh the fun of getting MY stuff back.

The title of "ex" : join or disengage?

Day two of new life (unmarried, divorced life).  I hate the term divorced.  I don't like to hear people talk about their ex-husbands or ex-wives.  I hate the terminology.  But if I say the kid's dad then people may not think I was married when I had them and risk being misunderstood and having poor morals.

So I suppose that I will have to join the ranks of the exs.  I go there unwillingly and with reservation.

Last night I told my oldest about the divorce being final.  He/She said "that's sad."  Then I talked about how good God is to take care of us and he/she even gave me an example of how God provided for us in a real way.  I think that he/she understood the sadness and tiredness I had AND the hope.

Today I felt the stress start to lessen.  I've got to get through this next weekend.  Then make it to Christmas.  Then MAYBE then I will be able to get into a groove.  Figure out what Phase II is going to look like.  Pray about what God has for me in Phase II.

I'm still tired.  I should get to bed.  I had to get up early this morning to make lunches and get the kids ready for school (I love it - I am not complaining).  One forgot some clothes so I went back and boy was she/he happy!

God will make a way.  He always does.  He owns the cattle on a thousand hills and He will care for me.

Done. Finis. Over.

It's done.  Marriage is over.  Attorneys and judge signed a document and we are no longer married.  Two years of hell on earth and today it's over.  I want to say that I feel relieved and I do.  I wish that I could feel more positive but I don't.  When I see my former husband tearing up as we wrapped up I wondered: is it from relief or does he also feel like me?  Like how the heck did we get here?

Tonight the sadness has hit.  I did good all day, didn't cry until just now when I had to talk to family about it all.  Now the tears are starting to flow.  I'm thankful to not have the kids here tonight.  I sure wish that I could have talked to them but they were probably talking to their grandma.

I need sleep.  I'm WORN DOWN to the core.  I did my budget today and I can't even afford to store my things.  Wish that I didn't have medical expenses.

I am not sure how I am going to afford to live.  I did another budget today and I was like: that is less than I make.  Take alimony out and I can't afford to live.

Gotta keep trusting God to care for me like He has.  Just hard 'cuz tonight I feel down.   I saw in the parking lot at the court house praying for a miracle that didn't come.

I have nothing positive to say tonight.  I'm worn out, beat down and now I'm just alone.  Somebody try to put a positive spin on that?  Yeah, there isn't one.  IT SUCKS.  Bottom line.  I have lost my family and my husband.

On that note I sign off.  I do not feel like being positive, my optimism is gone and I'm not sure it's returning.  I need to close this down and get some sleep.

Then there came on a song....reminding me....of God's love......just a glimmer of hope in the middle of this darkness.  It's enough to hang on for tonight.  Tomorrow I will get up like usual and press on.

"Saddle up your horses...we got a trail to blaze....lets follow our Leader into the glorious unknown.  This i sa life like no other.  This is the great adventure. We'll travel over  over mountains so high we'll go through valleys below.  this is the greatest journey that the human heart will ever see.  The Love of God will take us far beyond our wildest dreams.  Saddle up your horses."

That song played the night I realized that I could not be married to him anymore.  It is on now.  How fitting.  God's got me covered.

Night.

Blip on the Radar

No words.  Or should I say few words are in my head tonight.  I was just reading over my divorce decree that we'll be discussing and finalizing tomorrow.  So there is a good chance my marriage will legally be over tomorrow.

That reality - the finality of my marriage, the failure, my failure, Our failure.  Going to court tomorrow and the judge will most likely finalize the divorce.  A man will get to separate what God put together.  I still can't wrap my head around the concept of divorce even after two years.  Sure, am I better off without him? Yes, in many ways.  In all ways?  No.  Can we be married?  Probably not.

So I sit here, the tears have finally come.  My nose is already plugged up and I just started crying.  I do not know if any of my family are going to be there tomorrow.  Probably not.  Just a lonely end to a really crappy period of my life.  But I'm not alone; I've never been alone because I've had God walking beside me, often carrying me, through this process.  He's protected me, remade me into this much changed person.  I'm a better mom, person, and I know more about myself and others than I ever did before.  I've learned that people shouldn't count me out when I'm down.  I'm the comeback kid.  I've been knocked down so many times in life that I lost count a long time ago.  With God's strength I keep getting up because to get up is to honor God.  To give up would not be honorable to God.  Things that would have made me lose it before are not just blips on the radar of my life.

"I'm letting go of the life I planned for me and my dreams. I'm losing control of my destiny.  It feels like I'm falling and that's what it's like to believe.  This is a giant leap of faith.  The fear of the unkown beyond my comfort zone."  - Francesca Batistelli.

I've really loved that song ever since I heard it because it was exactly what I had to go through.  I had to let go of the dreams I had for myself and my future and give them over to God, who in turn is giving me new dreams and is drawing me toward Him, and thus, TOWARD a future.

But the bottom line is that it's just really hard.  Tonight is going to be hard.  I'm going to force myself to get some sleep now.  I pray my anxious heart tonight will not keep me up.  It is weird because I'm mostly peaceful but then I have some anxiety tries to creep in.  Tonight I am going to pray one last time and then I'm giving it all back to God.  This is His show...always has been...and will be tonight, tomorrow and the day after that.

At least a fluffy kitty came to visit me.  Not sure where the other one is but she usually sleeps on the other side of my bed so I'll see her.   The fluffy one wakes me up 10 minutes before my alarm every single day.  It's annoying and cute at the same time but hey, 10 minutes of sleep is 10 minutes of sleep.  You know, the past two nights I slept all the way through the night for the first time in over 6 weeks of being in my new apartment.  Hopefully tonight will be another one of those good night's sleep.

Tomorrow is just a blip on the radar. blip blip    blip  b l i p   b    l   i   p

Small Talk, Prayers for the Homeless and the Sweetness of Children

A civil conversation via texting.  Yes I know that sounds funny but it is a good start.

Sitting here, at peace.  Only God can give that kind of peace.  I should be a wreck but I'm not.  I know that God will provide what I need.  He always has, always will.

I need extra sleep so I'm turning in early.  New job going good.  Up early making lunches and driving little people to school....then hurrying to work.

Be impressed.  I took my lunch today and made it for tomorrow.  This is the new, thrifty, broke me.  It fits. I love to cook so now I will just have to learn to eat leftovers at lunch.....and that should stretch my grocery budget.

Time to turn in and dwell on God's gifts, here and away.  Pray for the two most precious gifts He's entrusted me to take care of (my children).  This morning my oldest was thinking about the homeless people and it being so cold, etc.  It was precious.  So we prayed.  I grab every opportunity to bring things to God with them so they can see how much my faith is a part of life and that God cares about what is on our hearts.

So we sat in the car and prayed for the homeless folks and KIDS who do not have a warm home to live in.  The prayers of their hearts must have been a beautiful sound to the Lord's ears.  I know He delights in children coming to Him.  How couldn't He?  After all Jesus said "let the children come to Me."  So we do.  Big and small, we are all His children.

Last Weekend.....Before.....Almost After....

My life has been so wild for so long I don't even know how to describe how it's been and continues.  Crazy would be accurate.  Good would be too.  Frustrating would also describe it. Fulfilling sometimes. Joyous at times. Frantic at other times. Sad sometimes. Excited about the future all the time.

I am in the last leg of what has been a very long journey.  Sometimes I feel like all the changes are good and sometimes they stress me out.  I mean, really.  I've had multiple positions at the same company and I haven't even been there two years (I'm in my fourth position there).  I'm still in the middle of what has been the most stressful two to six years of my life.

People wonder how I keep going.  I just point them to Jesus because without God's love and strength I would be a goner.  With Him I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  That is a verse that I teach my kids.  Over and over and over.  I hope they hide it in their little hearts and when they are scared or don't feel up to the task before them, they will remember what their mama taught them.  The Bible tells us to hide these words in our heart.  Why?  That we might not sin against thee.  Thee? Yes, most of my BIble memory was done at a school that was very pro King James Version. Lots of thous and thees in that version.  I'm more of an NIV or New American Standard girl now.

So why I am I sitting here when I should be sleeping?  It's because I feel this need to express myself and a need to point back to God and to give HIM praise for what He is doing and continues to do for me.  Lately my financial circumstances have changed and now things are going to be well, tight, for a long time.  I'm not sure I will be able to do it with two kids and all but my sister in law reminded me that I just need to trust God for it.  So I am.  I just prayed last night and asked God to provide just what I need financially and to care for me through this time.

I'm sitting here listening to the song "You are More" by Tenth Avenue North and it might as well be my story.  "You are more than the choices that you've made. You are more than the sum of your past mistakes. You are more than the problems you create. You've been remade."

"She can't shake the feeling that it's not true tonight. Don't you know who you are?"

For many years I let my self esteem be dictated by someone who was well, a dictator.  Instead of drawing my worth from my God, from the amazing gift of His son, I let this person, this man tell me things that were not true about myself, year after year.  I didn't even realize it was happening to me.  Slowly I lost who I was, the things I valued, the interests I used to have, everything.  I CHANGED and not for the better.  I had been whittled down into what felt like a lesser woman.

Two years later I still struggle with issues of self esteem.  I fight a body that won't cooperate with my desire to be thinner.  My thyroid disease keeps me constantly frustrated at my appearance.  The tapes in my head play sometimes and now instead of listening and believing them I fill my mind with verses, songs, worship, praise. Others. My children.

You see I've been set free.  You wouldn't have guessed that I was a captive but in a way that's very much what it felt like to live with someone who psychologically abuses you.  I've been set free from him.  In a unique way.  Although I did not desire a divorce, he was the one to file.  This was his plan.  Although I wish it weren't so I'm days away from being legally severed from this man.  It still hurts like crazy.  You see, I'm a very loyal person and when I gave my vow to him I meant it.  It doesn't matter anymore.  We're past that.  Now I sit here on the Saturday before my divorce will probably be decreed, thinking and pondering many things.

I think about how much I've gone through and that I've been through the fire and have come out the other side, a purer metal.  All the invaluable has been burned away and I am now made of the finest gold.  You see, God set me free.  He set me free from a bad situation and here I am.  Thankful, happy and sad all rolled into one.

When I was small I always had this feeling that God had something really big planned for me to do or to be.  As I've gotten older I still have that pie in the sky view of life and that is what makes me ME.   The eternal optimist even in the worst of times and situations.  You see, it is God who put that optimism in me.  It is He who gives me what I need, and meets my needs.  He has radically changed me in the past 5 years, the past two especially since I've been on my own.  He has taken me from beaten down abused wife to a woman who believes she is fearfully and wonderfully made in God's image.  I no longer look to what others say or think about me to measure my worth because I know my worth - it is as a child of God.

God's greatest treasure is the treasure of you - Steven Curtis Chapman song.  I love that song.  The God of the universe created us, and we are the apple of His eye.  Since becoming a parent I have come to understand God's love for us as our Heavenly Father.  It is such a wonderful metaphor, but also a very real reality.  As crazy I am about my two children, God feels like that about ME.  How cool is that?  And even more perfectly because God can love perfectly.

It's getting late and I should sleep.  Tomorrow is filled with holiday baking with my children and fun to be had making memories that I hope will last a lifetime (or at least until next week).  Note to self: take pictures tomorrow.

So if you are doubting your worth tonight, remember WHO you are in Christ if you are a Christian.  If you do not know Jesus as your savior, this amazing relationship is waiting for you to say YES.

So maybe I'm nieve thinking that I was created for something great.  Perhaps I'm already doing it (being a mom!).  Perhaps God's got more plans for me too.  I will follow wherever He leads me.  Won't you follow Him too?

Started It Finally!

I've felt for a long time now that God is leading me to write my story down in the form of a book.  I've been told by numerous people that I should do this, that I have not only a voice but something to say.

Tonight I actually started it.  It might take me a whole lifetime to write or it might just pour out of my heart onto the "page" on my laptop.  I do not know.  I just feel like there are a lot of women, Christian women, who might find themselves in similar circumstances and there is not a lot of help or encouragement for them.

I want to write a book about pain, God's grace, and the purpose of pain in our lives.  Oh, and a whole lot of other things.  (maybe a sequel?)

Who knows what will come of it?  God does and has a plan.   I got distracted so didn't get much done.  I figure it will be a labor of love and that if I love it, I will not mind working on it.

God's got a plan for me.  So I try something where I feel He's leading.....and we'll see if this is indeed from Him.  If it is He'll bless the project and my involvement with it. We'll see.

Already it's getting late and morning and my new job dawns early.  God, give me strength for the week ahead. Go before me.

Beaten but not Broken

Today I rested.  People don't seem to realize that if I do not rest on the weekends I can barely keep up to the demands on my heart, life and work.

So I did what my body needed.  I rested.  I took two naps.

I waited all day to call my children.  So I do.  It rings twice and it goes directly to voicemail.  Pretty sure their dad has it programmed that way.  I left them a message (not him) and asked that their dad help them call me before they go to bed.

I sit here. Mad. Alone. And a maniac has my children.  He has another thing coming - me.  For I will be coming for my children and I do not plan to play fair.   I will use whatever I have at my disposal to demonstrate just what type of person he is and why he is not fit to be their primary caregiver.

I also sit here a Christian.  And a mom.  I have to do what is in the kids best interests....no matter what or how hard.  I don't know if that means to live and let live or to go down fighting for them.  I feel on one hand that I've been discouraged from pursuing them.  Everyone has this strategy, etc.  I feel like it's a bunch of crap.  I want my kids.  I want them here.

I don't understand but I serve a God that is infinity wise and omnipotent.  I know that on one hand and the other hand cries out to Him in hurt and pain over my children not being with me and there seems to be this silence from on high.  That is what I do not understand about my Lord.

I feel like I've taken a beating and I feel beat down.  The attempts at control and abuse continue even though we are no longer living in the same house.  My oldest told me something his/her dad told me that he said to him/her and it literally made me want to either cry or go to bat for this little person.

So tonight I will just pray.  For my younguns.  That God will watch over them until they can be here with me again.  Tomorrow I need to clean the kitchen, get it ready for the troops and all the holiday cooking we'll be doing next week and weekend.

So if you're among my three readers, say a prayer for this beaten down mom.  Pray that she can remember just who she is in the Lord and that God will empower her to do what is in front of me.  Give me wisdom, God, to know what to do for my little ones.  Give me wisdom to know how to be the mom they need.  I was asking my oldest what he/she remembered about being little. About me.  We talked about the way things used to be....the things that bound us together in a way their dad will never have.  I said something about wanting to be a good mom and he/she asked "you don't think you're a good mom?"  I said, "I hope that I am."  "You're a great mom.  I wouldn't change a thing!"

I am not giving up.  God promises to be with the brokenhearted and He is with me now as He is every day.  I WANT MY CHILDREN BACK.  All I have to say is their dad has greatly underestimated my resolve.  And my will to survive.  And to thrive, despite anything he is throwing at me.

Someday I hope these little people know how very much I love them and what I do and would do for them.  I want them to know their mama would do anything on the face of this earth for them.  That's what mamas do.  They go to the end of the world and back for you.  Again and again.

Epic

Great epic weekend.  I came, I saw, I cooked.  The full thing.  Turkey, stuffing, all the fixings, etc.

Great weekend.  Highs and lows.  It was all good, done together, me and my troop.  Cats and all.

I go to bed happy and soon.  Morning comes early around here.

Night and gobble gobble.

Things We Do for Our Families

Things we do for our families, children.  Yesterday I spent time with my family for Thanksgiving.  Although it was pleasant, I just wanted to leave.  I want THANKSGIVING with MY family.  It was hard to be without the kids that day.

I went through the whole day and not one single person asked me how I was doing.  I politely told our hostess how lovely everything was and how good, I don't think she responded.  My parents are still mad at me, I can tell by how distant they same.

Tonight I am not worrying about this, I have enough on my own plate to worry about others today.  No that does not mean I'm selfish, it means that I need to tend to first things first.  I wonder: does any one of them really care that I submitted my divorce decree on Friday to the other side, that we are weeks away from it being over.

I feel disillusioned with people.  Let down.  Some of the best support that I've gotten has come from family, some has come from really good friends in far away cities.  Bottom line, God has brought great people into my life.  Then why do I still feel so alone?

A friend of mine, or someone who used to be friends with me, is telling me one week how he wants to work it out with his wife and the next week is in a "relationship" with someone?  Okay.  They're not even divorced yet.  Some call me weird but I am waiting until I am divorced to proceed with DATING and we all know what we mean by that.

I'm disillusioned at people.  I feel once again like I'm on the outside looking in.  I've felt that way my whole life, that I didn't belong anywhere.  Then I got married, I had children that were my own flesh and blood, a husband who loved me and I finally felt for the first time in my life that I belonged.  I had a place in this world.  Now that has been ripped away.

I trust God.  I do not understand His ways but I do know that He has my every day numbered and knows what shall happen on it.  Lord how did my car breaking down and my children fighting tonight honor you?  I should point out the car started working on its own,  the children eventually calmed down and there is peace once again in my house.

I am tired of being lonely.  I joined some dumb website that will remain nameless and no one will return emails.  Am I hideous?  Last I checked I did not have a giant wart on my forehead?  Maybe if I looked like Barbie I would get more action.  Well b-s, I look how I look, been a little busy the last 6 years trying to STAY ALIVE and sane and honestly keeping up at the gym wasnt' a priority.  Getting emotionally healthy was.

All my life I had the feeling that I was made or something great; to do something great.  Yet I'm in a job that probably isn't going anywhere, my marriage is gone, I have my kids less than half the time.  Maybe my something big is learning and exercising how to praise God in the midst of chaos and troubled times. I've certainly learned how to do that.  My relationship with God is the only thing that has sustained me through it all.  God has become my parent, my best friend, my spouse, my everything.

I must hit the sheets as I have one who wakes up SUPER EARLY at my house!  I you are one of my readers please pray for me.  The holidays are extra hard to be alone.  Plus I'm finishing my divorce right smack dab in between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Pray for courage, pray for the ability to be alone, but also pray that God will bring me some additional new friends that I can hang out with.  I need people in my life.

New but Old Things to Pray About

Another day.  It wasn't too bad.  I worked hard all day, then went grocery shopping for Thanksgiving then came home and talked to my kiddos.  One barely wanted to give me the time of day.  The other gave me a minute or two.  I'm learning not to take it personally.  It's hard 'cuz the highlight of my day is 7:00 when I call them.

On a silly note I like my new grocery store.  The prices are good.  I got a TON of food for not that much money.  If I can get myself organized and into clipping coupons I could probably really save some cash.

I was a little sleepy this morning but overall I had a whole day of feeling good.  I didn't have masses of stress.  Makes me think that once this divorce is over my stress might go down to barely noticeable.  Wouldn't that be GREAT?

My life is simple.  Right now it is about doing what is in front of me with dignity, with faith.  Being faithful in the little things that God has given me.  The light of my life is my children.  They bring me so much joy; I love them like crazy!  I pray that God will bring them back here for more time with me.  I need them as they need me.  I am going to start praying for it.  I have been blown away at the amazing things God has done in my life in the last few years...and over my lifetime.  So why not ask Him for what I want?  "You do not have because you do not ask."  I just realized that I haven't been consistently praying for their return.  I shall begin right now.

I am basically happy.  I'm content with a small apartment and few "things" - to me, things are not what make life meaningful.  My faith in God and my relationships with my children and other family and friends are what bring meaning to my life.

I had hoped to get more clean tonight but I ran out of energy.  And you know what?  IT'S OKAY.  I do not have to live up to anyone's expectations of me.  I no longer have to live up to my spouse's expectations of who I should be or how I should act and I want to say that IT FEELS HEAVENLY just being me.  I like me.  There is nothing wrong with me.  Sure, I'm imperfect but I was made in God's image.  I'm fearfully and wonderfully made.  THAT is how I feel about it!

I am done worrying about my job.  I do my best each and every day and that is all I can do.  If it is not enough then God will provide another option for me.

The thought of living in this apartment for the next five years until I can buy a home doesn't exactly thrill me but it might be my reality.  I will do it one day at a time just like I Have the last few years.

Thoughts written yesterday (Sunday)

I'm fairly certain that no one would rejoice more than Satan should I fall down.  I feel like I've been under a spiritual attack the likes of which I have never undergone before.  And I've been through some dark times before.

This week, these past two weeks have been most difficult.  Somedays, just staying awake, trying to keep my job was all that I could do.  I'm in the end stages of wrapping up this divorce.  Tonight I was thinking on my way home some thoughts that sounded like the old tapes that used to play in my head.  In the past couple of weeks I've been really disappointed by a friend, and have apparently caused heartache to my parents.

Tonight I just came home, wrote a quick email to a friend and then turned on the sermon from church that I missed from this morning.

I talked to my children tonight and they don't even sound like themselves when they are with their dad sometimes.  It hurts my heart deeply.  I am at a loss as to what to do about it so tonight I just pray.

My heart is so heavy tonight.  I am just praying and praying and keeping my thoughts on the things of God.

Alone On A Saturday Night

I hate the weekends with no kids.  They are long and lonely.  I hate being by myself sometimes.  Most of the time I do okay with it but tonight I  don't feel very brave, very hopeful or very courageous.  I feel tired, beat down and beaten.  I know the Bible says His strength is perfected in our weakness.  If that's the case then He's definitely stronger.

I have been alone all day the only people I've spoken to were at Whole Foods and the movie theater.  I took a nap which was nice.

I'm just done.  Given it all back to Jesus.  The author and finisher of my faith.  There is no one to help, no one to talk to, even family has pulled away to some extent.  Then again when I came to the cross it was just me and Jesus.  It's just me and Jesus tonight as I sit in this tiny apartment.

I know and trust my Lord but it doesn't make going down this path any easier.  It doesn't erase the pain of divorce.  It doesn't erase.   He has healed me from the inside out and transformed me into a woman who is a lot more like him than she used to be.

But I'm still human.  I still experience feeling down.  Tonight I thought about thinking about how many weekends I would have with the kids until they are grown.  Then I thought that was a rotten attitude and remembered my own advice given earlier this week.

What keeps me going are the two little faces that are counting on me.  Counting on me to bring stability into their lives...to bring unconditional love and grace to their lives.  To be brave even when I don't feel like it.  Who knows, maybe someday they will read these posts at some point.  I wonder what they will think of me.  I hope that when they are grown and know more about the situation, they will know that their mama did everything in her power to protect them and to love them, no matter what.  If I could spare them the knowing that would be even better.  Unfortunately if I actually decide to write a book like I've talked about they are going to read about it.

So I will choose my words carefully as I tell my story.  In the beginning, there was a girl....who grew up....

On Solitary, Service and Sweet Dreams

I've made it through another week!  I do plan to turn in early though.

Want to spend some time reading the Bible and praying for my kids.  Tomorrow is going to be a big day.  Going to have to deal with attorney in the afternoon while trying to take care of the rest of my life.

Then I have the WHOLE WEEKEND to relax and serve at the same time.  Part of me wants to go into solitary confinement this weekend and no one would blame me given my circumstances and the situation with the pending divorce, etc.

Part of me wants to be alone.  I'm one of the kind of people who recharges when she is by herself.  I'm not a people person - I'm not energized by being around people.  For me, I literally require time by myself or I get easily stressed out.  It's only taken me 39 years to be okay with this.  It's okay; not only that it was the way I was created.  God knew this about me.  Before time began.

Funny now I come home and when I used to talk to friends on the phone and watch thousands of hours on the television, now I just want to write and write and write.  Now I look at Facebook and this blog as my own little mission field.  Reaching one heart at a time.  Someday perhaps God will give me a bigger venue to tell of His greatness but for now, this is it!

With that I bid you goodnight.  This girl's going to bed.

Forgiven

I write a lot about forgiveness because it's such an important topic and one that I have had struggles with over the years.  I once had to write down all my resentments to do a step in a  program and I had 10 pages, single spaced, typed out.  My sponsor had not seen anything quite like it before.  To say that I remember everything is (basically) true.  I have some memory gaps due to a medical issue but for the most part my mind is like a steel trap door.

It's one thing to remember everything but it's quite another to hold onto it.  Yes, you know what I'm talking about.   The little resentment that festers, that grows until it's blown out of proportion and becomes a major problem.  Do not let the sun go down on your anger says the Bible.  To me that means, deal with each day's problems THAT DAY and do not carry them from day to day to day.  In other words resentment is not Biblical, not even sorta kinda at all.  It's just sin.

I hung onto resentments for years.  Some against friends, some against family, some against my spouse at the time, some against my kids probably too.  Resentments will eat you alive from the inside out.  They are like having a rotten gut.

So lets talk about the options.  The solution.  God provided it for us, it's called FORGIVENESS and He believed in the idea so much that He sent His only Son down to earth to die FOR US, for our sins, for our resentments.  Then He offers this gift of forgiveness out for us to have.  It's a free gift.  We can't do anything to deserve it or earn it.  It's just free.  I think the best things in life are free.  At least they don't cost ME anything.

So a while back I let some of my resentments go about my failing marriage and the other person involved.  I prayed and realized that I was really resentful against GOD more than against anyone down here.  I was indignant that the Almighty God I've served my whole life did not choose to fix my marriage but instead is letting me experience the natural consequences of sin.

I gave it to God.  I gave my soon to be ex to God too.  Heck I even prayed for any lady my soon to be ex is dating because if she's going to be in my children's lives I need her to be strong.  If she's to have a chance at a good marriage with my ex, she will need to be well, different, than me.

I'm so thankful and grateful that God gives me this amazing gift that I just have to reach for.  Forgiveness.  Forgive others.  Forgive God.  Forgive yourself.  I had to actually forgive myself for many many things.

After the forgiveness comes the amazing grace, falling from Heaven into the depository of our hearts.  God, I thank you for sending your Son Jesus to forgive my sins and I pray that You will help me to be more forgiving of others and more forgiving of myself.  Thank you for forgiving me as far as the east is from the west.  That concept continues to blow my mind.  How amazing.  Only God could think of that. Unbounding forgivness.

Unexpected Peace in the Middle of the Storm

Today I had unexpected peace.  I got up this morning and kept thinking "I can do all things through Christ" and DID.  I worked hard, dealt with my attorney on issues needing to be changed or added to the final papers.  I cancelled a meeting with a family member in lieu of having lunch with him tomorrow instead.  I'll probably have to cancel as my lunch hour is the only time I have to work on my legal case.  But the issue is with my family and they are important.

Sitting here tonight, had the hardest three weeks of my life the last three weeks.  I mean, I've had some hard ones in the last two years and the years before that.  It was hard, very hard, but instead of quitting I kept going and just gave it all back to God to control and run.

This weekend I realized that I'd lost the joy the Lord put in me.  But I regained it through the celebration of a life of an old friend who loved Jesus...and others.  I also regained it by laughing with my children.  By playing follow the leader in the cold autumn air at a local park.  By having frozen yogurt at a fun new spot.  By giggling, laughing, cooking together, cleaning together, being a family.  Being with my children brings me back to what's important in my life.  After God my life has been about them.

I've gained and lost friends recently.  I'm not sure I fully understand it but know that God is in control still.  I have behaved badly a while back and fear that I hurt some.  My tongue is such trouble for me.  I read James a lot.  Apparently not enough.  My tongue has gotten me into more problems over the years.  As recent as probably a week or two ago I fear that I said something and alienated a friend.

I'm sitting here almost in stitches because my cat is snoring so loudly and it sounds like a song.  It's really humorous.  I resonate with her challenges as I also snore badly when I do not wear my CPAP machine for the sleep apnea.

I figure that if God continues to work in my life at the pace that He has the last couple of years; well, the world better look out because I might light it up with passion for Jesus.  This has undoubtedly been the hardest two years, make that 5-6 years I've ever had so far.   I've gone from the despondency of being suicidal multiple times to the place where I'm at today, at the other end of the spectrum.  I've just clung to God, even when I was in and out of the hospital a few years ago with depression.  I knew that ending my life would be wrong yet I lacked the courage to live it.  I was overwhelmed by poor health, depression and the reality that I was living in an abusive marriage and did not know it.

So here I sit, many years past, seems like forever on one hand and on the other it seems like just yesterday when the children were born and I was a young mother who had the pleasure of being a stay at home mom.  Now I toil away, at a very hard and stressful job, still not quite supporting myself and I constantly wonder.  What am I going to do in another year?  The human side of me worries.  Then I remember that God, the same God who put all the stars in the sky and named them intimately cares for me and promises to take care of me.  I have had difficult financial times.  I'd had to choose between food and medicine a couple of times a while back but slowly I feel like I'm gaining momentum.  I would love a job someday maybe working with kids.  Of course my dream job would be to be a mom again full time.  I fear that I'll never have that again and that I'll only get to experience half of my kid's lives.  Divorce took away what I most cared about (my children) and I've had to fight to get where I am now.  I've learned how to work hard, work multiple jobs, how to take care of myself, but more than that, I've learned how to not take any single moment of my children's lives for granted.  Each day with them is a gift to be cherished.

It's 8:15 and I am ready for bed.  Might be God's way of telling me that it's time to turn in, go read His word before I drift off to sleep.

Lord I need more of You.  I need your peace again tomorrow as I work with my attorney.  I need your peace as I speak with my father.  I need more of you tonight Lord.  Watch over my children.  Send an angel to watch over each corner of their beds until I can be with them again on Thursday.  Protect us. Bless us with more of You.  Infect us with your love for others.  Lord help me to speak up to my friend at work who needs You Lord.  I want to lead her to you but I haven't.  Give me the courage and the words to speak to her.

Lord, please help me continue to keep my job and to be able to finish strong before I start my new position.  Lord I need your strength to make it through the end of the year.  Lord please provide for me so that I can move my things from our home into storage as I wait until Phase III.  Lord I need you to provide for my financial needs so that I can afford the moving team, the packers, to get moved out in the time the judge allowed.

Lord work on my friend's hearts so that they will want to help me if they have time.  I need a lot of help Lord and I feel so alone.  Lord, just fill me with more of You.

Until next time,

Not Your Basic Cream of Wheat Day

Amazing day.  Started out with Cream of Wheat with the kids for breakfast then baths, hanging out, lunch then getting all fancy to attend a memorial for a dear friend of my family who recently went to be with Jesus.

I wanted my kids to go to this memorial today for several reasons: (1) I wanted them to experience a memorial service of someone who was a believer in life and (2) I felt like it was important for them to share this with me.  One of mine tonight told me "mom I've never seen you cry that much."  To which I said "I cry all the time I just don't always show you."  Then we talked about how the human part of us misses people when they die but if the person who died is a believer in God, a Christian, that it is also a time for rejoicing.

I was amazed.  At one point during a praise song I looked over at my youngest and heard him/her singing along with every word to the song, and he/she can't even read yet!  It humbled me and also made me extremely proud.

I have had one of the hardest weeks of my life this past week.  There were times when I did not think that I literally could go on anymore.  I wasn't depressed or despondent, I was literally just worn out.  Worn down.  Beaten down.  Somehow, someway there is always enough grace for the next day.  I get just enough sleep to cope with the stress.

Some of my family are mad at me because of a question that I asked my soon to be ex spouse the other day.  I do not want to go back to him but I did need my question answered so that I could have closure.  Well apparently it made my mom so upset she could barely cope and my dad is having a sit down to talk meeting with me on Monday night.  I do not feel like I did anything wrong.  I needed the closure.  Now I have it and I can walk away knowing that I did my best.  How in the world can a parent be mad at you/me for doing that?  I feel not only that what I did was right, it was necessary for me to do in order to process the finality of the ending of this marriage.

I'm thinking: okay five minutes before I leave work I print out the divorce decree from the other side the other attorney emailed to my attorney who forwarded to me.  I get done reading these papers and then I get in my car and my parents cancel coming to my child's party today and cancel eating with us.  Because I asked my spouse if this was really the decision he wanted to make (divorce).  I did nothing wrong; I spoke to my mother with respect and I frankly resent the fact that I have to go talk to my dad about the whole issue.  I'm 39.  If I wanted to get back with my husband I would have done it two years ago, not this week.  I do not desire to go back to him or to the abuse.  I have been set free and I am free indeed.

So I'm driving home, after my phone call and receiving my divorce decree.  Thank God it was raining and took a while to drive to pick up the kids.  I was able to place a call to one of my sisters in law who talked me through it and prayed for and with me.  I literally did not know if I was capable of going on for another minute.  I'm not saying I wanted to die that's not it.  I was facing a weekend with my kids smack dab in the crux of the end of the divorce and my parents are mad at me.  I had had enough.  My boss was giving me grief because I requested time off to attend my kid's doctor's appointments.  I have 80 hours of time off that is legally mine to take and I requested about 10 hours off in the next month so that I can attend these doctor's visits.  My boss sent a veiled threat in an email and I had a half mind to take it to HR but then just took a lunch break, got some perspective, gave him the benefit of the doubt and just let it go.  I have responsibilities in addition to working (I am a single parent now) and that includes taking care of your children's health.

I swear I can't take one more thing or I'm going to snap.  So I pray.  I pray and I pray and I pray for more of God.  More of what He wants for me.  Apparently right now He has me going through the fire.  Watched a Veggie Tales movie with the kids tonight.  The verse was "I can do all things through Christ."  So I talked to my oldest about that and when my little one was brushing her/his teeth I asked her/him if he/she knew the verse and yes was the answer.  I said that it was a good one to hide in your heart and your brain...a good one to remember.

So tonight the same God who gave David the courage to fight Goliath and the same God who protected Israel protects me.  That concept rocks my world.  Lord I need your supernatural healing because I'm just worn out.  I do not think that I can face another day of the stress.

Lord I give it all to you.  I accept the good and the hard from You and I trust that You are caring for my hurting heart and for my children.  I give to you my marriage which is ending, I give to you my health (which isn't great), I give to you my job (which I am barely hanging onto), I give to you my children (who I can't have as much as I'd like right now).  I give to you my worries about being able to provide financially for my children.  Lord I pray that you would provide a job for me that would compensate me so that I can stand on my own two feet.  Lord I thank you for my family, although imperfect, You knew that I needed THIS family and that is why you had them adopt me.  We were chosen for each other.  So enough of the pettiness.  Life is too short to spend it being angry at anyone, deserved or undeserved.

Lord I life up the family of the man we honored today.  Lord we miss him but know that You have healed Him and he is in a perfect body, in perfect health, probably playing a perfect round of golf on the fairways of gold and emeralds.  Comfort his children Lord.  I listened to them today and was so touched by the maturity of his kids and their intense love for the Lord.  Lord, please give his wife comfort in a way that only you can at this time.  She is very brave.  They all are.  So tonight Lord please comfort them.

Lord I give you my life, again, tonight, to serve You.  Lord right now I feel like David facing Goliath and I feel like Goliath is winning and I'm scared and I'm tired and I'm lonely and I do not have the resources in me to cope with this level of stress.  So I beseech you Lord to keep walking with me and I'd like to give you the load I've been carrying around.  I can no longer do anything without you and so tonight again I just give it all back to you.  The hurt, the anxiety, the worry, the sadness, the loneliness.  All the ways the enemy has tried to use to defeat me, Lord I give them all back to you.  You alone are worthy to be loved and served.

I must sleep now.  It's 8:40.  I must sleep.

Another Day, Grateful

Another day has passed.  I did not die from stress although I had high stress all day.  My boss was giving me grief about requesting time off to attend my children's doctor's appointments.  Seriously.  I'm at the point that if I get pushed much more I'm going to blow up at somebody.  I do not want that to happen.  So I breathe, pray a lot and read my Bible.

I need to break it down into manageable parts.  One hour at a time, one minute at a time.  Until the next one, then do what is in front of me right then.  Keep working as hard as possible even though the stress and pain seems unbearable.

I should go to bed before my early riser gets up!  I've got one that's usually climbing into bed no later than 6 on the weekends.  Oh well.  I've got 10 minutes until lights out.

I've learned a lot about myself in the last couple of months.  I started to remember.  I started to remember who I really am.  Then I continue to read about who Jesus thinks I am and take that to heart.  The God of the universe, the one who spread the stars in the sky and named them all knows ME intimately.  There are not words for that.

Although I know it's not my time, I cannot wait to get to Heaven.  In Heaven I will be healed, in a perfect body with no aches and pains.  My body will be glorified.  I will worship at the throne singing Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come.  I cannot wait until that day. When I can meet up with those who have gone before me and we can rejoice with each other and with our Lord.  Won't that be great?  How long, O Lord? How long must we wait?

Come quickly Lord Jesus.

Grant Me the Serenity

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

-amen-

Tonight I need just a taste of serenity.  Please let the chaos stop so that I can have just a little bit of serenity. God I need the peace that only You can bring to my heart and my mind.  There's no relief from this chaos down here Lord.  I know that everything is in your Hands but my heart is tired and my body is weary and my mind just hurts.  My heart was broken long ago and not so long ago again.

Lord I want to just rest in your arms tonight.  I just want to be like a child huddled on the lap of her parent. I want to wrap my arms around you when I get to Heaven and I want to hear more than anything else I desire in this world "well done my good and faithful servant."

So tonight Lord could you give me more of You?  Can you equip my heart with Teflon so that I can let the hurt just roll off of me?

Lord I want more of you.  Help me through tonight.  Give me your mercy and grace tonight Lord.

Lyrics of a song

Tonight on my way home from counseling I was listening to a Christian song that had the lyrics "we are more than the sum of our mistakes" and I thought WOW.  We need to be preaching this off the tops of buildings.  We need to share the amazing and wonderful way God forgives us.  How amazing and how much love he had for us that He sent his ONLY son (can you imagine, mothers?) to die on a cross for our sins.

I am NOT the sum of my mistakes.  I have been forgiven, as far as the east is from the west, it says in the Bible.  I love that verse and cling to it.  When my past and the thoughts from my past and people are running their "tapes" through my brain, I just remember, I've given it all to God, asked forgiveness for my part in it all and I'M FORGIVEN.  Not kinda, not sorta.  Completely and totally.

Let that rock your world tonight.  There is NOTHING anyone can do that will ever again change the way I see myself because for perhaps the first time in my life I see myself as God sees me.  I am okay being me.  I like me.

Lately a thing or two has gotten my focus off of the truth in my heart and in the Word.  I am loved by God, blessed to be His and am beautiful inside and out.  There is not one thing any one person can do to me to change that fact.  For the first time in my life I'm okay being me.  It took a bit of a total overhaul of my heart to get to this place and a lot of prayer and input from people.

So tonight if you're not feeling so great about who you are, if you are a Christian, CELEBRATE because you are one of God's chosen, you're beautiful.  Just the way you are.  Not 5 lbs from now.  Not if this or that happens.  Right now.  You are exactly who God wants you to be at this very moment in your life.  That doesn't mean that He won't ask for change if something needs it but tonight just rest in Him.

Friendships, relationships are just blips on the screen.  Honestly it's going to take a lot more than a person to make me doubt who I am in Christ.  It's going to take a lot more than being treated unfairly.  No longer does my past have power over me.  I've let it go. Not going to hang onto it anymore.  God has given me new dreams in place of my shattered dreams.  (for those of you who haven't read it, go buy the Larry Crabb book "Shattered Dreams").  

I know my place, my purpose and my calling.  I am at peace.  Glory to God for that.

Closing Ranks

I'm closing ranks again.  Now is when I close ranks around my little family and focus on US.  Focus on loving them unconditionally, like only a mama can do.  I'm closing ranks.  This means people who used to be in my life are no longer going to have a role in my life.  I need to take care of myself and limit my exposure to people who are not helpful to me.

For me, I have nothing left to give.  I am tapped out.  I need to re-charge so that I can begin to fill refill me. I don't mean this in a selfish kind of way.  I have a responsibility only to myself and my kids to take care of myself, to serve at church, to love God with every fiber in me.

I'm just done.  I can't or won't go into details here but I'm done.  I've had one thing too many happen and now I'm out.

God's in control of my life, who comes in and out of it.  I've frankly got too much else going on to worry about anyone that isn't one of my kids or my family.  I just don't have it in me.  Seriously.  I'm on my last bit of energy and I do not have any more to give anyone else.  Is that selfish?  Maybe.  I think it's just called being responsible and knowing your limits.

This morning I cried at work, had to go outside to just let it out.  Then at lunch, I cried again.  Then tonight I cried most of the way home.  I spent some time talking to my sister in law which was good.  Now I am ready to rest....and chill out.  I just want to pet my furry kitty and hear her purr.

I am going back to my original dream: someday I want a tiny house built for three.  Me and my little people.  We're going to have flowers, a beautiful yard and a garden out back.  The house will be filled with love.  It will be the house the other kids want to come to.

Back to basics.  That does not include people who suck me dry then leave me for dead.

I need to go to the stream of living water and drink.

It's Raining Over My Head or "How to Learn to Love the Rain"

Discouragement is an understatement.  I can't even list what is going on in my life for fear that somehow someway it will be used in court against me.  One shouldn't have to think about every single word she says or writes down....or who will wind up with it.  That'll make you nuts.  I'm just saying.

What I would like to address tonight is the issue of honesty and how that affects both relationships but even your mere friendships.  If you, say, ignore, a friend for long periods of time, that says something.  It says you value other things and people more than you value that friendship.  If you're going to do this to someone, at least have the guts to tell this really good friend before her feelings get hurt.

Even here I can't write what I want.  It's extremely frustrating.  If I write what I want I risk losing a friend and I cannot risk that right now.  If I don't write what I need to say, at some point I will regret that.  So tonight I will consider the matter, think on it and pray about what, if anything, I am to do or say.

What I really want to do today is YELL, scream, cry, throw a hissy fit.  I cried all the way home from the movie.

Why not me?  Why not pick me?  Do I have something written on my forehead that makes people run away?  I want the same as everyone else.  I want to love and be loved.  Forever.  By one man.  For the rest of my life.

Heck at this point I'd just really like to be given the time of day which I used to have but don't seem to have anymore.  I'm not quite sure what I did and frankly I have enough stress in my life so adding someone to it probably would not be the best idea but I'm the type that once you find something special, grab onto it, and never let it go.

Says the girl whose husband is divorcing her.

So tomorrow I might have to change jobs.  AGAIN.  I'm so tired of change.  It's seriously stressing me out.  The worst part is that I don't have anyone to talk to about it.  I can't write it in an email because my goodness my every written word could somehow be evidence against me in court, so here I sit.  Utterly alone.

Nobody has any idea how I'm doing and again I do not know who to trust.  It's a horrible place to be in.  I have a few what I thought were good friends and some are and some are not turning out to be.  Such is life.

I'm tired of change.  In the last two years, I've had two employers, 4 jobs between the two.  I've moved twice.  I have a different vehicle.   I went from stay at home mom to single mom who is worn to a frazzle.  I feel like I make a step forward....then BAM something happens.  I mean, I know and have seen God's care and caring through all of it.  How He's just taking care of me now.

So in the midst of the chaos I stand, it's raining on my head, and I know that God's got the cloud right where He wants it.  He doesn't want to shield me from the rain, instead he wants me to learn to love rain.  To love it enough to be able to somehow rejoice while it's raining.  (only God could think that up).

Rubber meets the road.   I go to work every day with (I try) the attitude to "do all things heartily as unto the Lord."  So tomorrow I will walk into work, not knowing my future there and just pray that it works out the way my boss suggested it could on Friday.  I need that job, any job, and cannot afford to fall apart now.

So like I do when things get hard, I just give it back to God.  I'll cry and fuss a little first, then I will ultimately just fall on Him.  Right now He's all I've got.  (and a few really true blue people who know about this blog).

Faith is not easy.  But it's worth it.  Grace is amazing but it doesn't come cheaply.  Mercy is undeserved but our Savior died and gave us all.  God, I'm relying on you as my God, the lover of my soul, my companion, my leader, and the head of this family, to hold me together in one piece.

So if you are a friend, please pray for me.  I need more faith.  I need more of God.  I need to trust more and give my trust to God completely.  Pray that God will watch over me.  Pray that God will take care of my friend who also has a broken heart.

Missing my Little People

Being without my children for me is like hell on earth.  I know, in the big scheme of things there are much worse things but for me, this is the hardest thing that I've ever had to endure.  Sometimes the pain of not having them here is unbearable like it is tonight.  I miss them intensely.  A two minute phone conversation does not cut it for me tonight.  I want their little selves here with me, in our HOME.

Today I've been "nesting" in my new apartment.  I really want this place to feel like home because my last place was NOT.  I detested being there, it felt like torture because my home, where my babies were, was right up the street.  The nice thing about the new place is that everything up here is new.  New home,  new place, new place to make a life.

My little one asked me the other day if when we move from here will it be into a house?  I told him/her "I hope so honey but I don't know."  It is like the very thing that I want to provide for them (home of our own) is a million years away.  It's at least 5 years away.  By then my oldest will be a teenager and it will just be different.

New Day with New Grace and Mercies

I'm so thankful to have the weekend to rejuvenate.  I literally am tapped out emotionally, mentally and physically.  I'm the definition of weary.

The good thing is that I might be transitioning into a new job at my work.  (yeah God.)  Prayed a couple of months ago about it and asked God to provide a solution for the situation I was in.  It might be happening as early as Monday.  We'll see.

So this weekend I have to toy shop and decorate for a birthday.  Little one has a birthday this week.  Must be perfect.  Want him/her to love it.

My folks might come over next weekend.  That would be great.  Maybe I can include dinner.  Except my mom is allergic to cats.  I'll just have to clean good.  Not really unpacked yet but I don't care.  I can only do what I can do.

Glad to have a new day to start over.  Please ignore my last two posts.  That was evil stressed out me.  Saturday me is a lot calmer.

Until next time, I remain in HIS hands.

Addendum: or Can I have a New Job, Move and a Divorce please?

I'm just tired.  I want a little peace in my life.  Right after I found out today that my job might be changing (highly stressful I might add), I get a comment to the last post that came from left field.

I started this blog and have like 10 people who know about it.  I know who they all are.  Sure, it might have some random viewers but for the most part I've kept it small so that I could remain anonymous.  I've needed this blog as a safe place to write about all the things that I've gone through over the last two years specifically and more broader, about the last 5 or more years.  This blog is an outlet, a way for me to think through my feelings, process them, and move on.

My intention was never to hurt anyone's feelings.

I work in a job where people basically see me as the enemy all day long.  I'm in the middle/end of a very long and very very stressful marriage and divorce.  It has drained the very life from me at times.  So I have one place where I go to let it all hang out.  Here.  This blog.  Someday I plan to write a book about it all but for now it's just a blog.

If I even get an inkling that I am being treated in the same way that I was by the man I was married to, I will not be silent.  No, I don't broadcast every intimate detail of my life on here or my friends.  That would be a breach of trust.

I'm still going to post.  I'm going to be me.  I'm just an ordinary girl.  I do have a deep faith.  Do I live it out perfectly?  Absolutely not.  Am I the perfect mother?  Not a chance.  Is my heart pure?  You bet.  I have the best of intentions.  So if you have something to say to me and you have my email and I know that you do, please talk to me.

I am beyond tired and weary and broken.  I'm just a regular girl.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and it gets me into trouble a LOT.  That's the way God made me.  He made me passionate.  That is a blessing and a curse.  I can be passionately loving and passionately hating sometimes.  I'm so not perfect.  I'm just an average girl whose heart's desire is to be a good mom, employee, and friend.

I long for the same things everyone does: to have friends they can trust.  To love and be loved.  To be accepted for WHO YOU ARE (now) not who people want you to be.  To just be treated with respect.    That's all I really want.

So if you're the party that I hurt, I hope that you will brave contact with me again so that we can work through this.  Perhaps with some more information you might understand why I reacted the way that I did.  I think perhaps there is more to this story that you don't know but you probably should.

I'm just a girl.  I'm maxed out in the stress arena: just moved, have to move more stuff again next month, now I might have to start a new job, every thing I do is new.  I couldn't find a gas station on my way to work the other day.  I have a new grocery store.  I need to find a pharmacy that's close.  My job is freaking me out and I am not doing well at it at the moment and I used to rule the job.  Oh yeah, and in the middle of this my marriage is going to be legally over.  I've had two people in my life die in the last two weeks. So you might consider cutting me a little slack.

With that I am going to log off.  I need a vacation.  Or a really long nap.

My Deep Thoughts for the Night or Screw off

Done.  I'm just done.  I'm thinking that in order to get anyone's attention one needs to be skinny, blonde, have no kids and be in perfect shape.  Well screw that.

I am who I am.  I do not give a damn what anyone else thinks about it.

I'm just done.  I will not be used as the friend who listens to all the dramas and goes home by herself.  I have better things to do with my time than to be the Dear Abby.  I am not a dear Abby.  I am a human being myself with feelings.  My struggles are as important as yours are.  Not more important but on the same level.

I'm just done.  I'm sick of being with guys who treat me like shit.  Sick of it.  If you don't want to pay attention to what I'm saying when we're together then buzz off and go do something else 'cuz I have better things to do with my time than mess around and be treated as less than human.

That's pretty much what I have to say tonight.  I'm glad I have like one reader.  The bottom line is we're all pretty alone....a few of us manage to find someone.  The rest of us would just like to be treated as if they might have a chance at happiness.

I'm DONE.  I'm so pissed it's not even funny.  I'm not the fat friend that everyone tells their woes to.  I'm a human being.

So screw off.  You know who you are.

Dog Gone Tired

It's been almost a week since I posted on here.  I think that I was just talked out, worn out, weary and just dog gone tired!

This afternoon I was driving home asking and thinking to myself: why does God have me in such a high stress job?  I mean, I used to love going to work.  Now it is just too much to do, not enough time to do it in.    The pressure to keep up is high.

I don't know what God is trying to do in my life.  I mean, I know that what is happening is His plan but even after 30 plus years of loving Him I  still do not understand how this all is His plan.  I'm feeling frustrated, a little overwhelmed and confused.

I thought that I was ready to re-enter the dating world.  I thought that I might be open to that....now I'm not so sure.  I'm lonely but that is not a reason to seek out another.  Sure I'm red blooded American girl who longs for all the same things red blooded American males long for.  It's just that I've been so deeply hurt that I'm not sure if I could ever just put down my guard and be me.  I tried doing that recently but I fear even that was a failure.  I suck at relationships.  I probably even suck at friendships.

I feel like I barely have enough energy for my kids.  Add some pets to that, a new apartment, and a stressful job I have nothing to offer anyone.  I am just making it day to day.

So I am not sure about the male species.  I think that I should probably just be for a while.  Just me, myself and I.  I want someone to pursue ME.  I do not want to sign up on a lame dating site to make friends who might have the potential to turn into dates.  Been there, done that.  I'm not sure I want to do it again.  I think that God is capable of bringing someone into my life or maybe He already has.  I just need to be open to it all.

Tonight I worry not.  I plan to just lay on my pillow, be a vegetable and watch tv.  I'm just so tired.

Until next time,

A season for everything

Not the day.  Today was not the day for the divorce.  We all though it was but it wasn't.  Now we have to wait another month and a half.  I'm not excited about this.  I was ready TODAY.  I prepared my heart to be through today.  I had the talk with him TODAY.

But it was not to be.  God had a different plan.  Today I was just thinking about the passage in Ecclesiastes where it says there is a time for.....basically there is a time for everything under the sun.  That God has our lives mapped out.  I rest in that thought and those truths tonight.  I trust God and know that He has this all under control.

It is hard for me to NOT worry a little bit.  I have a year of alimony then it's all me.  I need to make a lot more money than I do now and need to start looking for another job or another job in my field.  I need to bring it to the Lord and ask Him to provide it for me.  He's done that for every other thing that I've asked for in the last couple of years.

I was ready.  I was ready to be done, to move on.  I was ready.  It was not meant to be for today.  I am sitting here again going:  God, what are you doing?  How does this fit into your plan?  Can you help me to glorify you through my disappointment?  Can you help me tomorrow when I have to talk to co-workers?  I want to glorify you Lord but right now I'm still frustrated, weary and just really really TIRED.

Lord I give this all to you.  You are the author and perfector of my faith.  Give me the courage I need to go through the next many weeks.  I need your strength God.  So much.

Darn cough won't go away.  I'm tired of my cough!

Until next time.

Starting to Feel Like Home

I feel like I'm finally starting my new life.  In a couple of days there is a good chance my divorce will be finalized (please let it be).  I'm ready to move on.  Ready to be open to whatever situations and whomever God has for me or doesn't.

But I'm not closed to the idea of having a special someone in my life.  In fact although my life is hectic, you can't wait for life to slow down to meet people....for me, as a single mom, I've just got to fit it into my life NOW.  I've been through the stages where I threw myself into work, into this or that.  Now I want a balanced life.  I want a family again.  I want to be a family with someone again.  Very much.

Part of me knows the way God has brought people into my life before and part of me has an inkling of where God is leading but another part of me has no clue at all what God is up to.  I wish that I knew.

Right now I need to learn what it's like to live a more balanced life.  I remember two years ago I would come home from working all sorts of odd shifts, and be soooo tired.  I didn't have a set schedule for over 6 months and then I worked two jobs for the next year or so.  I'm happy to just have one full time job now.

I'm very confused.  I do not understand men at all.  I give up.  I thought I might have it figured out and NOPE wrong again.  I give.  Well I'm certainly not going to lose any sleep over it all.  No one is worth that.  (well maybe my kids...but we're not talking about them!).

Who knows?  All I know is that I'm putting on my jammies and watching some tv.  I did not sleep good again last night (new house, matress turned, room is too light, to name a few).  I've got parent teacher conferences tomorrow at 7:30 then my car goes to the shop to get looked at.  I am broker than broke so hope it doesn't cost an arm or a leg.

Until next time,

Dear God

Dear God,

Will you take good care of my friend, Richard, cuz he went to be with you this weekend.  Lord, thank you for taking him home.  Thank you for the life he lived and all the people he told about you.

Thank you Lord for making my dad and Richard friends.  Dad doesn't have many close friends, just a handful and Richard was among one of my dad's friends.  Because of that, I also had the privilege to know this amazing man.

One summer I spent in Colorado working with his team, living there, volunteering in the inner city of Denver for this camp he started there.  It was an amazing summer.  I was screwed up, I think my parents knew it that is why the offer for me to go spend the summer at this place in Colorado.  There I got to know Richard and he just loved me, with all of my faults.  He made me want to be more like Christ.

Every person you'll meet will tell you what an amazing and generous man Richard was.  He was generous with everything.  He'd probably give you the shirt off of his back if he'd have thought it would help you.

Lord, tonight Richard is with you.  We miss him down here immensely but know that you have healed his body of cancer and he is worshipping at your throne, finally getting to go be with this Jesus who he never stopped talking about.

Richard was infectious.  His excitement for God and for the Word spread like wildfire in his life and to those who had the pleasure of knowing him.  He truly was an amazing person.

My dad and I were having lunch the other day about an hour before Richard died, talking about him, how much we didn't understand why God chose to leave him here suffering for so long.  About how there are some things in life he'll never understand.  Little did we know that Richard only had an hour or so left on this earth.  This morning I had to call my dad to tell him that his friend had died.  I cried all the way to work...and then for a couple of hours.

My heart goes out to his family for their loss but I know that despite their sorrow they too are rejoicing that Richard is finally home.

God, say Hi to Richard for me.  Tell him to save me a spot, that I'll be there when you decide.  That I can't wait to dance in a fully healed body.  To worship at my Savior's feet.  Just thinking about it makes me long for heaven.

I was a better person for knowing Richard.  He blessed my family and he blessed me, through his pain, and he glorified the Lord until the very end.  Goodbye Richard.  God please take good care of him 'cuz he's extra special.

I'm Here

I'm here.  It's real.  It's peaceful.  I really like it here.  It's also pretty quiet.  (nice).  I'm on end unit so that could be good.

I'm also really tired so this is all I'm posting tonight.  Will write more when I feel more inspired.  Tonight is not that night.

I'm thankful.  Pray that I make it to and from work tomorrow safely.

$451.00 and a Dad!

Well, I'm moved.  Everything here except for vacuum and steam cleaner which is at old place for cleaning person to use tomorrow or Monday.  Oh my goodness you should have seen what was under my bed!  I could never move it as it is a large bed.....and when the movers did I wanted to die of embarrassment although I'm sure they've seen worse.  Two guys did a great job.  I used Two Men and a Truck.  Used them 10-12 years ago to not too good then but today's guys were great.  Plus between me and my dad watching their every move I think they paid attention.  I mean, I deal with moving claims for a living so knew what to tell them, what to do, etc.

So I'm officially moved.  I even took a nap this afternoon.  Crazy.  I slept two hours like a baby.  It was much needed as the stress of this week caught up with me.  Tomorrow I must get a lock for storage unit, and meet with cleaning lady and oh, get some more steam cleaner fluid/soap stuff.  I hope that I am able to get most of my deposit back from my place I moved but I doubt it.  Today I caught a box on fire when I put it on the stove and it hit the on knob.  Crazy.

I plan to work until I can't tonight then sleep in, get up and meet with lady, then who knows?  I was going to do something later tomorrow but I think those plans changed so if so, I'll just hang out at my new place.

Realized when I was thinking about the dollar store and I'm like; I could run up and get that...only its 30 blocks from here.  I'm going to have to go exploring my new neighborhood to REALLY see what is here.

One cat is hiding inside the bottom kitchen cabinets!  She's too scared to come out.  Very funny.

I have like 5 boxes of pancakes...not full boxes...all these half boxes....it was funny to unpack them.  My friend who helped me pack probably thought I was nutso.  We don't even eat pancakes all that often!  I must just not remember if I do or don't have a box while shopping without a list (I don't recommend) and then pick up a box.  Cheap dinner.  Add some scrambled eggs and we have happy campers here.

I hung some pictures in my kitchen.  They were the first birthday gift I got when I moved out.  Special to me.  They hang over my sink so I will see them every single day.  I like that a lot!   So will the kids.

Can't wait until the kiddos get to come here.  I am so anxious to wrap them in my arms and introduce them to their new home.  I am hoping they don't think it's dinky and the carpet (which is brown) is hideous.  I am thinking it will hide a world of dirty kids!  And I have a steam cleaner!

I just realized that I'm happy.  Really, really happy.  The last place I had to find, had to be close to school, etc. Never once felt at home there.  This place has potential.  I might even buy houseplants.  (although I tend NOT to do good at house plants).  I am watching the most beautiful sunset over to the west of here.  It is spectacular and I have a great view (and also a great view of how dirty my sliding doors are!).

A little concerned as the safety chain is up high and little one can't reach it.  Might have to have my dad or maintenance do their thing.  I need to find my light bulbs for my lamp...this place needs light in the living room.  There are no overhead lights in the whole living room.

Just happy.  So happy.  Happy that I made it here, got everything packed up (for the most part), happy that I had JUST ENOUGH money to move here.  10 days until payday.  Lord, make my dollars stretch. Please let me have just what I need to make it, buy groceries for next weekend with the kids, etc.  Lord stretch my dollars please!

Oh the $451.00 was the mover's fee!  That's not quite $10/item/box.  They did a good job and I was pleased.  It would be awesome and I had twelve friends with big trucks but I don't.   I also have a very busy family so I was just thankful dad took this morning to help me.  Then he took me to lunch and we talked about God.  It was nice.  I think the lunch was my favorite part of the day.  I love my parents both very much.  My dad understands and listens.  My mom just KNOWS me like I know mine!

Until next time...which might be later tonight, never know!

Whole Lot of Packing Going On

Packing it up, moving on up.  Or over...or up the street.  Actually downsizing....new apartment smaller than this one.  Last count was 34 boxes.  That is crazy.  Hope the movers are strong and fast as they charge by the hour with a two hour minimum plus trip charge.

Gotta get up to get kids to school then head to WalMart for more boxes. I hope they have smaller ones.  I like the ones I got there but they are huge.  I need some smaller ones to just throw last minute things in.

I'm SO TIRED.  Maxed out.  Praying that God will renew my body tonight while I sleep.  Tomorrow I get new place.....new keys.....very excited.  Cable guy coming in the afternoon to install cable.  Must remember to take TV and cable modem.

Going to go find the Alleve bottle and some cats.  I'm TIRED.  Worked hard all day packing, laundry, folding, throwing out trash, organizing, etc.  I am so sick of moving.  It's not even funny.

Now I lay me down to sleep....or in the next hour or so....going to see if I packed every book I own...

Until next time.  I might be in new place on my next blog posting!!!  Very excited.

Little Things I'm Thankful For

Tonight I am thankful for the little things.  A productive day at work.  A talk with a co-worker on a break.  A wonderful home cooked meal.  Good friends.  A sense of normalcy is returning to my life again after being gone for so very long.  Normal is good.  Normal is very nice.

Today although I knew I was going to be stressed out I just decided that I was going to do my work heartily as unto the Lord.  That my worship today was doing the best job I could with the tasks that I had in front of me.

Got to talk to the kids tonight.  That was great.  I miss them.  Just one more day and I get them overnight.  They will not be with me when I move this weekend but will instead be coming the following weekend.  That is going to be great.  I want some time to get some things unpacked and try to make things a little homey before they get there.  After moving expenses I figure I'm pretty much broke for the rest of month.  It will just be gas and food money.  NOTHING else unless emergency.

So funny that two days ago I prayed about two issues in my life and I asked God for direction on both issues and He answered in spades!  Now I have to step out in faith on one of them and trust that I am following God.   The second one God just provided for me in a tangible way and it was great and neat.

Tonight I'm thankful for furry kitties who love to hang out with me.  Yeah yeah I know not everyone likes cats but they have been SO GOOD for my heart.  To not be here alone was so nice.  They were good for the kids too.  Are good for the kids.

Tonight I am thankful for friends, from long ago who have come back into my life after we both lived some of life.  Nice to be friends again.

Thankful to have a warm bed and home to sleep in.  Thankful to have a job in this economy.  Thankful to have health insurance.  Thankful for my children.  Thankful to God for giving me all these things.

Yep, I had another happy day.  I like that I'm having more happy days than non-happy days.  This is a good trend I have going!  Thank you, God, for blessing me richly.

A Day Redeemed

Today I had the hardest day; I started out feeling defeated at work and personally.  Just struggling with doubting decisions I've made and choices.  Struggling with my inability to achieve what I need to at work.  Knowing that the stress going on in personal life is what is keeping my focus off of work and I'm off my game.  I broke down on my lunch hour and just cried and cried.  Worried over the what ifs.

This afternoon was a little better.  I felt better after getting back from lunch.  Nothing like Chinese vegetable fried rice to sooth a girl's frustrations.  (during her work day anyway!).  I actually got some things done this afternoon.

We are in the busy time at work.

I am so swamped here at home but took time to have some fun tonight too and it was just good ole fun.  The laugh your socks off kind.  It was what my heart needed: a good laugh with a friend.  Now I'm home, trying to unwind.  Glad to be back here.  Going to be even more glad to leave here this weekend.  Need to figure out what is smelling weird here.  Ever since I turned on heat it stinks in here.  Hopefully I can get it figured out or it will go away when I steam clean the carpets.

I'm calling it a night.  This evening redeemed my day.  Laughter renewed my soul.  Friendship renewed my heart.  I am at peace once again.  ahhhh

Until next time.....I remain......

So tired.

I'm so tired.  Sooo sooo sooooo tired.  I hope that I can get a good night's sleep tonight and this week.  This is going to be a long couple of weeks that I'm heading into and I need God's strength to get me through it because I know that I will not make it on my own.

Today I had to make a decision based on what was best for kids, even if not what I wanted to do.  I swallowed my pride and ask for help from their dad and he stepped up.  It was nice.  I cannot worry if this will someday be spun into why I'm unfit or this or that.  Today I just got help and it was nice.

I packed another box or so today.  I'm hoping to basically get my bedroom packed maybe tomorrow night....and just put what clothes I'm keeping out in my lowly suitcase.  I'm probably getting more boxes from multiple sources tomorrow.

Fairly sure my cat has laid in the same spot for going on 4 hours.  It's classic.

I am just WORN OUT.  Physically and mentally.  This was a great week and I'm just tired.  Realized the B12 shot they gave me is 1/3 of what I take on a DAILY BASIS and they think it will last two weeks.  I might abandon the shot thing and go back to the supplements although expensive.  They charged me a co-pay for a nurse's only appointment, didn't even see the doctor.  That did not make me happy.  And so if I go in two weeks, that's $60 which is the same amount a bottle of supplements cost and they last over a month, maybe two.  I haven't felt good since I quit taking those supplements....they are a megavitamin my neurologist recommended.

Tonight I am done.  No more packing, no more tape.  Just relaxing.   This would be the kind of night it would be great to light a fire and watch a movie with a special someone.  Now I just need a special someone.  Course doubt I'll get many takers on my 19" tv I'm borrowing from my brother.  ha.  Life was meant to be shared with others, that's all I'm saying.  I think that one of the things I miss the most is just being held in someone's arms, whether a hug or otherwise.  Just that wonderfully safe feeling when someone's arms are wrapped around you and the worries of the world seem to melt away.  I haven't had that in probably six years.  That's gonna change.

I want to have people in my "home" again, even if it is a little tiny apartment with two cats.  I'll lock up the cats if they bother people.  I want to make dinner, hang out, sit on the sofa and talk until we're too tired then say goodnight and go our separate ways.  I want to play games, hear people's stories, watch movies, invite other people's kids over for my kids.  That stuff.

One day at a time.  One moment at a time.  One breath at a time.  and so on and so forth.  God will grant the grace and peace.  I just need to ask.

Night all

Grace Falling

Big day. Worn out. God's good.  Grace fell from Heaven then landed on me then was sprinkled by joy.  God is truly good and is worthy of praise.  Worthy of MY praise.  To Him be all the glory.

Seriously can't wait to sit at the throne and sing holy holy holy is the Lord.

Until that day
I wait.  Feet on earth while mind in heaven.

Heart's Desires

Day two of happiness.  I almost said day two of normality.  It was just a nice, plain, normal day.  I took on too many projects as I am known for and unfortunately didn't get as much done as I would have liked but I did process a couple of things.

It seemed to be a very long day.  You have those?  The kind where you seem to be watching the clock a lot?  Then, this afternoon the lady who works about 10 feet from me and talks literally non-stop all day, decided at 4:15 that her chair mat had mold on it.  Then she gets the broom and starts sweeping all over.  So then by the time she started on the black mold I told her to be careful; that she ought to wear a mask; that mold can be very dangerous when inhaled, she's like "I smoked for twenty years!"  I mumbled and then my eyes and nose started to freak out.  I walked past them quickly waving my hand in front of face.  I am EXTREMELY allergic to mold and dust and the lady had stirred up both.  I literally went upstairs to my friend's cubicle and sat there and talked for 20 minutes.  Then as I was waiting to clock out the same lady (who had to clean) came by and apologized.  I'm like, I was honestly concerned for your health but yes, I am very allergic and cannot be around it AT ALL.  The word dingbat wants to pop out but then I sound like a horrid girl for saying that.  She is what I would call the stereotypical blonde: talks a lot and is dingy.  'nuff said.

I went home and we had pancakes tonight for dinner, I think the only real food in the house the kids would eat.  We need to go to the grocery store tomorrow night.  I hope they are not exhausted.  They get tomorrow off for some reason.   So liable to come to my house very tired.  I need their help this weekend to pack.  The oldest tonight was feeling sentimental after packing for ten minutes I had him/her laying in my lap, with big tears eecking out of tiny eyes.  I told him/her that I thought maybe he/she was feeling a little overwhelmed with the idea of moving, maybe a little scared, unsure, going to miss this place and the tears burst out at that point.  Well if there is one thing I can say about myself I know my kids and the way they process their emotions.

I fear that I have something stinky in my fridge.  I am going to purge it tomorrow night or in the morning as it is NOT good!

I am having a lonely night.  As I near moving again I am reminded that it is alone.  Although I will have tiny visitors, I will still be alone.  I'm tired of being alone.  Very tired of it.  I'm tired of eating alone, I'm tired of watching tv alone, I'm tired of going to movies alone, I'm tired of cooking alone, I'm tired of going to the grocery store alone, I am tired of sleeping alone.  There I've said it all.  I have now admitted to the public at large how very pathetic I sound tonight.  Or how very human.

I am excited about moving though.  Something exciting about starting my life over.  That is really what it is and what it feels like.  I am moving, getting divorced and changing from the inside out.  I need God's help for both my insides and outsides.  I have been eating a ton better than I used to but still I am the same weight.  My body does not lose weight.  It is very frustrating.

This morning I got a vitamin B12 shot as I am deficient in that vitamin; my body doesn't process it like everyone else's.  So we'll see how long the shot works for.  They didn't give me very much and I'm supposed to go back in two weeks for another shot and maybe a test.  They told me that it wasn't a co-pay and it was.  That made me mad.  The whole point of doing this was so that insurance would cover it.  If I do it monthly it is cheaper but by the time I add in a multi-vitamin back onto that I was paying what I was paying to take it orally.  Win some, lose some I guess.  The good news is that they are going to monitor my B12 levels a lot more often.  I have a sneaking suspicion that my B12 levels and my vitamin D levels were related to a lot of my depression.  The kind that wasn't situational.

Is it wrong to want to be a stay at home mom again?  Even if I only have kids part-time?  I want to be a full time wife and mom.  That would be SO NICE.  I enjoy doing things at work but do not feel this inward drive to achieve and have a career or get recognition in that way.  For me, serving my family is the best.  If I had it to do over again, this time I would: have lunch with kids once a week at their school as long as they let me, I would be more organized, take my family's health a little more seriously.  I want to give my heart to someone again.  That sounds nice.  Maybe a little silly but I think nice.  I want to trust someone and have them trust me, every day, for the rest of my life.  I want to grow old with him, I want to be a grandma someday.  Have lots of little grandkids running about house and yard.  I want to garden again.  I want to be in love, truly and deeply in love with someone again.  That is my prayer to the Lord. It was a while back and will continue to be so.  Ultimately I want to do what God wants me to do, those are just my heart's desires.  Now I will wait to see how God leads me and what He asks of me.

I want to remember what it was like to be so crazy in love that you sit around thinking of nice things to do for the other person just because you love them.  Whether it is something you could do for them, cook for them, do around the house or elsewhere.  I want to be crazy in love and have my children get to see it.  My children do not remember when we were happy.  They just remember the last few years and that's sad.  I want my kids to see me happy and loving someone again.  I want to show them that I do believe in marriage, disagree with divorce but didn't have choice.  I want to show them what a Christian mom looks like....I mean, they see that now, but I want them to see me married.  I think it would be good for them.  I know it would be good for them.  I do not want a third generation of their family to experience divorce.  (perhaps I shall start praying for THEIR future and their future spouses and marriages).

Tonight I'm happy and lonely at the same time.  I could get used to this happiness thing.  This is more like joy - this is being experienced while under great stress and very hard times.....happiness is relative to a situation.

Lord, please bring me someone who will lead me.  Someone I want to follow.  Someone whose faith is strong and whose heart is sure.  Bring me someone who will take the lead in the relationship, inspire me to follow him together as we serve the Lord.  Bring me someone who I love talking to, love spending time with and generally just love hanging out with.  Bring me someone who can deal with my ups and downs lovingly while being patient.  Bring me someone who loves you Lord.  More than anyone or anything in his life.  Bring me someone who is a leader in whatever he does.  Bring me someone who needs me and who I need too.  Bring me someone who makes me laugh.  Bring me someone who makes my heart beat a little faster.  Bring me someone who is giving and loving and caring.  Lord, bring me someone who will love my children even though it will be an adjustment for all.  Work in his heart now Lord on this issue because the kids and I are a package deal!  Lord, I do not want Mr. Wonderful; I want the person YOU want me to be with.  Lord, please reveal this person to me in a clear way.  Make it so obvious that I have to see your hand in it.

Lord I give you these things tonight.  Thank you for giving me Your joy today.  Thank you for giving me two great days in a row; please help me continue to give you the glory for what is going on in my life.  Give me patience this weekend as I pack.  Give me wisdom and strength and courage and all the things I'll need this weekend with the kids.

I give myself to you, Lord.  Use me.