Peace

This morning I have peace.  Peace that God will do what God will do with regard to my children.  This week like never before I have to just give them to Jesus and hopes that He gives them to me.  

We had fun yesterday and it was so nice having them here this morning and getting to wake them up.  What joy.  

God please bring my babies back to me.  

I'm a Big Fake

This week has been characterized by great anger.  I'm mad at my spouse who is divorcing me, mad at the lady at the quick store who took my parking spot, and mostly I'm mad at God.  There.  I've said it.  Those unholy words have come out of my lips.  I feel disillusioned and let down.  Disappointed.  I realize that divorce is the result of two people's cumulative mistakes and sins.  Then there is the God who promises to help the helpless and brokenhearted.  Where is that God tonight?  

Where is God when I miss my kids so bad that I sob, tears streaming down my face onto my pillow?  Where is God when I feel that it's too much to bear?  Why is it necessary for me to go through this much pain?  He could spare me but He isn't.  How do I deal with that philosophically?  What do I make of a God who could spare me pain but who seems silent?

I can't even believe that I've uttered these words out loud, or on this digital paper of my blog.  I've shown myself to be a big fake.  Or at least I feel like a big fake today.  Perhaps I'm just being "real", whatever that is!  All I know is that my heart hurts so profoundly that I'm not sure it will ever recover.  I feel betrayed by my spouse.  I feel unloved and unlovable.   I've been cut to the quick.  

Remember Your Chains, part two

"Remember your chains are gone." -Steven Curtis Chapman

Listening to some tunes to try to calm down.  I'm mad, sad and frustrated all at once.  

Nothing calms me like hearing music about God.  Hearing real Christians who struggle and sing about it.   "I've got a couple of dents in my fenders.  Perfection is my enemy.  On your shoulders I can see - I'm free to be me." 

I've no idea if anyone reads this as I've instructed most of my friends not to comment or at least not to write anything identifying.  Someday I'd really like to write a book but I know that I'm far from that.  So right now this is for me, you and whoever else is out there in cyberspace that God's lead to this blog.  

God's love is beautiful.  It's the only thing in my life that I can count on today and tomorrow.  Sure, there are great moments with my children and family but even those moments last only a short while and then you're back at baseline.  My heart is at baseline and I'm waiting for God to fill me up.  

I feel this angst, I want to write more but not appropriate for this venue, at least at this time in my life.  Feeling like I'm being evaluated by those who seek to tear me down and by those who want to keep my children from me.  Don't know who to trust.  Hard to trust when your best friend filed for divorce from you.  I feel like I could probably write volumes about what this has done to my life.

I just cling to what is good and what is from above; that's the only way that I know to get through this incredible pain and hurt.  I cling to God and hug my children and pray He has a future for us.  I'm ready to start the journey, I'm still grieving my loss but I want to move forward or I might forever be stuck here.  I want to move forward toward the idea of hope.  I hope that there is hope.  

I'm rewriting the voice in my head that was put there over time that I'm incapable, unattractive and not worthy.  I'm created in God's image and I know Him to be capable, attractive and most notably, worthy.  My self image came for so long from my husband and now it is coming from God directly into my soul.  I am no longer who I used to be.  I'm free.  Showered in grace at the foot of the cross looking up to Jesus for my hope.

I just want other people to see Jesus in me; for them to see Jesus in me during my hurt and pain and to have my life honor Him during this time.  

God, I'm waiting here, waiting for you.  Then I realize that you are already here with me.  You've never gone anywhere.  Help me to see Your hand in my life and help me to lead my children in the way they should go.

Missing my Home

I miss my house.  Not only am I getting divorced from my spouse, I'm divorcing my home.  The home we labored together in, hour after hour, bringing her into her true glory.  Making her, well, more "us."  Now "us" doesn't matter and my ex has my house, at least for now.  I miss my home.  I nested there.  I had one child while living there.  This is the only home both children remember.  And I'm sitting here at this stupid apartment and he's living there with the kids.  It's hard not to be furious, not to want to scream out loud!  

It's hard to remain hopeful when I do not understand what God is doing in my life.   To trust Him fully with my life even though the human part of me wants to scream "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"  And part of me wants to say "why me?" but then another part says "why NOT me?"  After all, we live in a broken world and we are all broken people.  I'm broken and I was married to a broken man.  

My mind is clearer than it has been in years but my heart is muddy with feelings, some good, some hurtful, some bad.  Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get over this?  Will I ever be able to move on?  How can I "move on" when I don't understand what's happened so far?  

To top it off, my body is hurting.  This morning it hurt from head to toe.  Luckily my new meds helped it.  I feel a cold coming on.  To top off all the other crap I struggle with!  Keeps me human though.  

So if you're one of my friends or family and you're reading this, pray for my heart.  Pray that it will heal in the right time.  Just pray for me and my family.  

Dreaming a Cruel Dream

Last night, right before I woke up I was dreaming about being married, happily.  Then my alarm went off and I woke up and it was not so.  What a way to start the day.  

I've learned that I need not to have any contact with my soon to be ex, for my own well being.  Anytime I try to talk with him about something, or something I need, I end up mad at him because of the poor way I'm treated.  

So I'm letting go.  Like the song says, "I'm letting go of the life I had for me, and my dreams.  I'm losing control of my destiny.  ....."  Why is losing control, even when it is to God, so hard?  I would so like to gladly lose control but instead I grudgingly give Him control often enough.  

My dream feel like a cruel joke.  Maybe it was just my neurons firing here and there.  Maybe it was a mere coincidence.  Maybe it was from God.  Who knows?  All that I know is that my heart hurt this morning.

When is this going to get any easier?   Until I figure out that answer I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  (I hate that expression!)  night night

Black, White and Shades of Grey

Tonight I want to believe that there is hope.  Hope for my future as a woman, a mom, an employee, and a friend.  

Why is it that Christians are so often the most black and white people?  I mean, such black and white thinking is so linear, so well, limited.  I'm not saying that God's word is unclear or isn't black and white, I'm just saying that often life is not black and white.  You can do all the right things and your spouse could still leave you.  Or you could blunder the marriage and your spouse could stay.  Mature Christian parents raise their child only to get a call from jail someday, wanting bail money.  

Mature Christians sometimes struggle with depression.  Many of us struggle the same ways that non-believers do.  Our minds know that God is caring for us, but our bodies and physiology make us depressed nonetheless.

Some of us fail miserably and are blessed with wonderful children and families.  What I know is that God's grace is this amazing blanket of cover that covers us all, the good, the bad and the imperfect.  His love is something the clingy can cling to and the hardened can cling to as well. 

I want to shout out from the tallest building to those who think in black and white.  To shout to them about God's love and to sing a song about God's grace and His ability to forgive, unconditionally for all the times we mess it up.  

I want to shout out to believers to love everyone, whether they are black, white or grey.  To be open to the fact that you might learn something from someone or some situation that is a shade of grey.  Be willing to think in a circle instead of your usual linear line of thought.  

I know enough to know that I've just barely scratched the surface of what is available to us as believers should we embrace God, really embrace Him and be willing to have Him take us wherever He leads.  Unbashedly throwing our wills and our lives over to the care of God as we know Him.  

So tonight I am a grey.  I realize some of you are blacks and some of you are whites.  Know that we are all God's creation...lets love those God has put in our lives radically and in a way that causes others to notice.  I want to love my co-workers to Christ.  I want to lead by example of the way I do business.  I want my work ethic to be representative of God.  

So I'm a grey.  256 shades of grey instead of one black and one white.  God's made me a creative, complicated individual who has a place in His world.  

Makes me Want to be a Better Person

I guess the time has come to start living life.  I've come to the conclusion that there is no "getting over" being married then going through a divorce.  There is just putting your feet in front of the other, moving forward, even if it's just by inches everyday.

I'm tired of hurting.  I'm tired of feeling betrayed and torn in two.  I'm tired of feeling angry.  I'm just tired.  So I am going to pray that God will continue to work in me and will help me do whatever it is that is next.

I'm trying my best to forgive but that's hard to do when you're torn in little pieces, still mourning the death of your most precious relationship.  I'm not sure I know how to do this, to move forward.  When every thing in me screams, go back, "wait!"  I want my life back.  

When I am with my children, my love for them moves me to become a better person.  To be better.  To be Mom with a capital M.  Because they expect and deserve nothing less.  I can't quit, I can't bow out, I choose to be MOM.  Strong, individual, humbled.

I have to find some peace in all of this mess.  To know that even in the mess that God still loves me and I'm resting with Him.   God, grant me wisdom first, then Your peace and Your strength.  Help me to be the kind of woman that my children can look up to.  Help me to have integrity.  Grant me Your peace.  I beg of you.

New Position?

New position has given me an optimistic outlook on life.  My dad always taught me that if you go in, work hard, you'll probably be recognized for it and rewarded.  I work hard every day, heartily as unto the Lord.  

This week has been great so far.  I'm really excited about the possibilities of my future.  

What a roller coaster ride it has been.

What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?  The words to that popular song haunt me, day and night.  I've awakened in the middle of the night for the past couple of nights and can barely get back to sleep just thinking about God's holiness.

Learning about holiness is going to be my quest.  I want to learn about God's holiness and how that relates to us.  His holiness sets Him apart.  

Here are the definitions of Holy from the dictionary:

ho·ly  (hl)

adj. ho·li·er, ho·li·est

1. Belonging to, derived from, or associated with a divine power; sacred.

2. Regarded with or worthy of worship or veneration; revered: a holy book.

3. Living according to a strict or highly moral religious or spiritual system; saintly: a holy person.

4. Specified or set apart for a religious purpose: a holy place.

5. Solemnly undertaken; sacrosanct: a holy pledge.

6. Regarded as deserving special respect or reverence: The pursuit of peace is our holiest quest.

7. Informal Used as an intensive: raised holy hell over the mischief their children did.

I'm pretty sure that none of these capture what God's holiness is.  I am fascinated by the idea of being in God's presence, experiencing the holiness of God.  Lately I found myself dreaming of being in the presence of God, worshipping at His feet and what that must be like.  

So I do not have any answers, only questions tonight.  What do I know of Holy?

Jaded

Spending a couple of minutes on the phone with my kids simply isn't enough.  I miss them profoundly  and with all of my heart.  It is going on almost a year that I've been without them by my side every day.  Instead we've had to just enjoy every second we do have together until it can be different.

I pray, I hope, I prepare for the end of this marriage and of a potential change of custody.  I pray that God will work within the judge to see the true situation ; to see why I should have them and be their primary caregiver.  

I just want to be with them.  

I feel like it's one thing to be divorced or get divorced and that is one matter.  It's quite another to have your parenting rights practically taken away for the course of a year.  I miss them so much I cannot stand it.  We have such great times together....but then I have to drop them off and every time I relive the horror of my situation every time.  Three times a week, for a year.  

The legal process is so frustrating.  Every thing takes so long.  Each time it's more time without my children.  It's hard not to be jaded when you're here alone without them every stinkin night.

Children are not Possessions

My children are not possessions even though I call them "mine."   As such I would like them returned to me, their mother, for safe keeping.  I want them, I need to be allowed to be their mom full time.  This is ridiculous.  

I just have to trust that God is in control.  Some nights when I sit here by myself I just cling to the knowledge that we are God's creations and that He is in control.  I have to believe that in the end good will conquer over evil in this situation.  Or maybe this divorce is a lose-lose.  But it's the kids that lose.  

Enough said. Good night.

Day of Peace

I had a whole day of peace.  I took power back today and it felt good.  Not in a vindictive kind of way but in a positive way.  The peace flowed all day.  After a year of hurt and pain I had a nice day.  For a while today I was free of all the "stuff" that has swirled around my life because of this divorce.  Today God just gave me peace.  His peace.  The peace that passes understanding.  This kind of peace is more than mere relaxation, it is an inner calm that transcends. 

The only thing that makes this peace that I've had today incomplete is not having my children with me.   When I think of them I have a profound sadness, a longing that will only be filled when they return here to me someday (God willing).

Now I'm tired of thinking, of feeling and am going to go think of nothing, God willing, until I go to sleep.  Okay I might think of my children a little bit.....

Raining

Today I was driving "home" and as I turned toward home it was as if the heavens opened and it started pouring.  It was a visual representation of how I feel.  I feel like it has been a year of rain in my life. 

Why is it we Christians always follow expressing our pain with an almost meaningless sentiment of hope.  Like "It's really hard right now, but....."  I want to scream out loud "IT'S RAINING AND IT'S NOT OKAY!"  I'd like to clarify, it's not that I don't have moments of hope.  In fact, it's 50 50 hope to frustration most of the time.   I serve a God I do not understand in a broken world with broken people.  It does not lessen the passionate love I have for my God, it's just that I don't understand His plan all of the time.  It's not in vogue in Christian circles to say such a thing but we've all felt it at some time

One day I had a family, a husband, a house with a nice garage and flowers and plants.  The next morning my husband sits me down and sits across from me and says "I wanted to tell you that I filed for divorce yesterday."  My world spun, my head spun and it's not been the same ever since.  My children are my compass as is my Lord. 

I woke up this morning with my children in my home and tonight when I go to bed my home will be empty.  Yet the memory of the good times we had will stay with me until I am with them again.  Our love just grows stronger (my children and I's), the more it is tested.  It doesn't matter what life and what my "ex" throws at me, I stand firm in the lovingkindness of my Lord.

I just talked to my children and when I do it breaks my  heart because I want to be there with them.  Tomorrow is the first day of school for X and she's got her outfit all picked out.  Tomorrow my child will go to school and I will not be the one taking her nor be around to see it.  THAT is what divorce does.    I want my children back.  I want them here with me.  

Although I have a team of people working on getting more time with them, tonight I just feel powerless.  Somehow my cat seems to know when I'm sad so she jumps up here and plops down on my arm, I'm trying to type with a cat on my left arm.  

Talked to my brother today and we cried together.  Both of us are broken and only God can fix us.  Only God.  Only God.  God, hear my cry tonight.  

Glory be to God

Glory be to my God, who made this earth and all things and people in it.  Creator of all, ruler of all.  To HIM alone be any glory for anything good in my life.  

When I really needed it, my friends and family came together to help me through a very difficult time.  I'm talking about a specific event but can't go into details.  People have prayed and people have helped me in very real and tangible ways.  I am overwhelmed by my friends and by their love for me.

Until then I wait.....

Feeling strong, feeling the strength of God flowing through me.  Yeah, I know it sounds corny but it's truly how I feel.  Even though I'm exhausted from working 7 days a week God has given me just enough strength to do whatever I need to.  

Talking about my situation with others is what is helping me to heal and to move forward.  Admitting to my past and what happened to me there is hard but by talking I become free.  Every day I become stronger and stronger.  God is creating in me a new self, one that is strong and FREE of anyone who could hurt her.  

While I wait for my future I live in today but my heart longs for the day when I can be with my children again, to make our little family.  

God, protect my children while they are away from me and guard their little hearts and minds.  Guard their bodies and their spirits and bring them back to me.

Until then I wait.....

Born Mom

I love my children so much.  It's insane, intense and crazy.  I was born to be their mother and I'm not being allowed to be it very much.  God, please intercede on my behalf and bring my children back to my care.  Give me strength, wisdom, courage and a good night's sleep.

A good day today.  I'm in charge of training someone where I work.  This is a compliment considering that I've only been there a few months.  I hope that with this added responsibility comes added $.  I need to be able to make more money per hour to support my little family.    If you're reading this, pray for the $ situation that God will provide a way as He always does.

That's all for tonight!

Sinking Feeling

You ever get that sinking feeling in your stomach when you think or know that something is wrong?  Well I've got that tonight and there is nothing I can do.  Today is a day of trusting my God to care for my children.

Tonight

Frustrated.  Mad.  Angry.  Feeling helpless tonight.  Missing my children intensely.  

Feeling powerless on one hand but knowing that God's got everything in His hands on the other.  Feeling torn between the secular feelings and my feelings of faith.  Knowing that holding onto this anger that I have for X will only hurt me.  

Great Days

Today was a really great day.  I had little stress, work went great and my time with my children went wonderfully.  I felt free for the first time in, well, forever.  I mean, really and truly free.  Like God had just set me free from my spouse.  Set me free from someone who was, well, not nice.  That's putting it mildly.  

The more I work toward my goals, work hard, every day, the more power I feel.  Yeah, I used to hear women speak of their "power" and I thought them funny.  I get it now.  I really GET it.  God has set me free and He's given me a chance at a new life.  I will not die by myself.  In fact, I'm flourishing and blooming by myself.  It's fun to see what God will do next.  

I have a future.  I'm ready for it to start now.  

The Cattle on a Thousand Hills

Hope.  It's this thing that I've held onto, no matter what.  No matter how hard it got and gets, I have hope.  My hope lies in God and in His power.  Think about it: the God who tells the sun when to shine, the God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills - this is the same God who cares for me, intimately.  

People are hearing me now.  Finally.  What I've felt and how I've felt for years is coming out to the surface and it's very painful but in another way it's liberating.  I'm feeling free for the first time in years.  I've let people into my life, to know the darkest parts of me and they are still my friends and family.  I guess that I've discovered love through this painful divorce.  Go figure!

There is so much I want to say but the internet is not the place for it.  

Taking My Power Back

Tonight I took my power back one bit at a time and it felt GREAT.    You know, in Psalms it talks about God being with the broken hearted, it meant it.  He has gone before me and is with me every minute of every day.  I sing a joyful song tonight!

My God Goes Before Me

Tonight I'm thoughtful, happy and tired.  The other night I dreamed that someone I was seeing treated me like Cinderella and it felt heavenly and unfamiliar.  Of course I'm not seeing anyone but it was a nice thought anyway.

Tomorrow's a big day but I know that my God goes before me to make my paths straight and to lead me.

Miracles I pray for

I'm so tired that I can barely think straight!  Sometimes I think that working so many hours is good - it keeps me focused on something other than myself.   That's good.

Had a good day today but miss my family.  

God is doing amazing things in my life.  Now I await for Him to do amazing things for my little family.  I need a miracle.

God, I pray for your miracle while I ask you to help me be happy with what you give me.

Juxstaposition

I'm tired but I'm good.  I'm lonely but I'm not alone.  I'm broken but don't need fixing.  I'm brave but I feel small.  I'm a woman of complexity made simple by her unswerving love for God.

I've been broken down and now am rebuilding, brick by beautiful brick.   Woman #2 is part woman #1 but with a righteous twist!  

It's hard to describe myself when I know that I'm always being watched, evaluated, looked at.   It's hard to trust anyone these days.    

When I'm with my children, I'm truly happy.  Time stands still in a way and we are just a small, happy family with no dad figure.  I'll just have to rely on God to fill the void, if any, is felt in my children's lives. 

Living each day is a choice, a choice of bravery.  I choose to live.  I choose to work, to provide for my family and for myself in a way that God sees fit.   I choose to march on even though there are those watching to see if I fail.  (keep on looking 'cuz I'm going to make it just fine!).

My relationship with God has never been more real, more intense and more full of passion.  I feel happy sometimes.  I know it's amazing.  

God is Good No Matter How We Feel

God is good whether we "feel" like it or not.  It's a fact about Him.  He's good.  He wants good things for His children.  No, I'm not talking about the prosperity gospel.  I just mean, He's a Father who loves His children and just as earthly fathers love their children, wants good things for them.

I don't always understand God.  In fact, not only do I not understand Him, I'll spend my lifetime trying to understand Him.  Reading the Bible as a map for my life.

Tonight brought up old feelings that I had to go through maybe one last time to help me for the future.  I like being free.  Not free from my children, just free from my spouse and marriage.  I feel like I've been given a second chance at life.  I'm doing great.  I feel great, I even feel happy some days.  

I feel like "me" again.  After a long absence I am slowly returning from what was definitely NOT a vacation!  

I trust God with my life because I cannot picture going through life without my relationship with God. He has become my family, my redeemer and rescuer.  I want nothing more than to teach my children about God and to have them grow up to love God.  That would mean that I have been successful in my life for I believe that I was put here for that purpose.

Exhaustion has set in but each morning brings new energy and fresh grace and mercy.

Glimpses of Joy

Today I felt and saw a glimpse of joy, a glimpse of God in my life.  Joy is like this emotion that's been missing from my life for a long time.  It's intoxicating and humbling for I feel God when I feel this powerful emotion called joy.  

How I've missed this feeling.  God, grant me and bless me with more of it.  Thank you for blessing me with your presence today Lord and for blessing me with a wonderful family.  God, you are good.

Dreams

It's time for new dreams.

Counseling, Chocolate and Change

Counseling tonight at the place.  My mouth spewed forth thousands of words over the course of the hour.  It was like the hurt of years just flowed out of my mouth.  No answers, just lots and lots of questions.  What I realized tonight is that I might never know "why".  Not only that, I'm going to have to live with the lack of knowledge and be okay with that.  

Good counselors, I feel good talking to him/her.  She's younger than I am but that's okay.  I think God's brought her into my life for a reason.  She's always commenting on my way with words.   I wish that I could write like I talk.  Maybe I should get a recorder and then transcribe my feelings.  Hmmmm.. Thoughts for the future.

So I had my counseling, then got chocolate ice cream to boot!  yahoo.  Yum.  I love ice cream.   I'm talked out, now just want the peace of tv and a pillow and sofa.  ahhhhh.

Goodnight

Bursts of Joy

On days like today I think to myself, "yeah, I'm going to be okay!"  Work went good, time with the kids was good and although I'm tired, overall I'm not going to die and that's a very good thing.  

Still, there is a long hard road ahead but I'm feeling brave tonight and realize that God's doing His perfect work in me.  No, I have no idea what that perfect work is but I know that it includes me working hard every day, choosing to live, not ever giving up and being the best mom I can be.  If I can do those things in life I will call it a success.  

Joy comes in short bursts....often when I am with the kids.  I'm learning what it's like to be alone and be happy.  Although I will not be happy without my kids, ever.  That's just the way it is.

Service

A friend reminded me tonight that God's in control.  I realized again (I re-learn this every day it seems!) that, as the famous song goes, "He is bigger than the battle."  I'm reminded that He is in control and has a plan.  I've gone through the gamut of emotions.  Sometimes I'm incredibly angry at God, wondering how this can be His plan.  Most times I trust Him, like a child trusts her mother and father.    A long time ago I gave Him my life and now I'm living that out, as He sees fit.  Knowing that God is in control leads toward a relaxed kind of peace that I sport.  

Most people wonder how I'm doing so good.  I just point them to my Creator.  I'm just an ordinary girl who serves an extraordinary God.  I'm made of the same stuff everyone else is.  I cry buckets of tears when my heart hurts.  Then, as if in an offering I offer up my bucket of tears to God as a sacrifice.  Serving God while in personal pain is one of the ultimate sacrifices we can make to Him.  Serving Him, acting in honor is a "job" that I take quite seriously.  I fail miserably but I try!

Another day has gone by.  Did I do something today to serve Him?  Did you?  

With that I bid you goodnight.

Aloneness

Being alone is hard.  But then, I've been alone for years.  At least alone in my relationship from my husband.  I miss not having people in my apartment/home.  Being profoundly lonely is no piece of cake.  I mean, I do things with people, have friends, go places, etc.  But at the end of the day I come home to an empty apartment with no one there.  

I do not miss the stress of my marriage but I do miss the familiarity of that other person.  Ever since I was told that he was divorcing me, I feel like I've been in a state of shock.  My life was turned upside down in every way and I'm still recovering.  I wonder how long it takes to "get over" the divorce.  It's been a good while now and although we're not quite divorced I know that it will be some time until I am "over it" and over him.  Then you add in the special circumstances of this situation, who knows how long it will be until I feel "over" anything.  

How long will it take me to heal?  Will I ever be interested in dating, be willing to be vulnerable again?  I feel like I've been hurt in the deepest way possible and being willing to trust is going to take some doing.  There is no hurry.  I mean, I was just rejected by the man who knew me the most.  Sometimes I've thought that if you knew me you wouldn't like what you saw.  That was my secret fear.  Then I got married and I was loved, completely and fully.  Then that person turned on me and although he knew me the most he still rejected me.  I mean, that hurts a girl's feelings, right?  

I'm intensely angry over the situation and there's not much I can do.  Every night I pray and ask God to take my anger toward my spouse away from me.  I pray and pray and pray.  I've taken to immersing myself in Psalms.  I pray them to God, sometimes reading aloud to calm myself.

So tonight I'm not sure of much other than the face that God loves me and that I can be sure of. My children love me very much; that much I know.  

Resolve

Living every day is my way to say to my ex that he didn't win.  I choose to go forth, to move forward, despite my sadness over the death of my relationship.  With God's help I will make my way in this world, serving Him and being the best mother to my children.

Today is a new day, it's fresh with no mistakes in it yet.  Today I work for my children.  Each and every hard thing that I do or go through I think, it's just for my children and then I remember my resolve.  I'd do anything for them.  Suffer any hardship, any pain.  Anything.

Losing Your Husband's Family Too.

You know, when you get married, your husband's family is not really yours.   I was so close to mine and now they conveniently log off when I log on.  Pretend they didn't get my message, etc.  I'm persona non grata.  

When you get divorced it's not just your husband, it's their parents, their cousins, grandparents, aunts uncles, etc.  It's all the people you have come to love.  All their traditions and fun. 

I thought I had it all but it was just a farce.  They are all gone now and my relationships with each of them have faded.

I'm never getting married again.  What would be the point?

Lord, Please

Children soothe my heart in a way that nothing else can.  I had a hard evening and just talking to them made me smile, made the craziness of life simply melt away.  Oh the joy they bring to my life.  Nothing and no one else (down here on earth) has ever meant to me what those kids do.  

My heart longs for them, longs to play the role that I was born to play: mother.  It's all I wanted out of life - to be a mom.  Wondering when and how we'll be together again.  Knowing God knows.  Working toward that day.

Lord, give me the strength.  Fill me with your strength.  Fill me up with You and only You.  I need your Help and your mercy.  Bring my children back to me.   Please.

Hate

It's so hard not to hate. I really hate X right now so much.  Each time I propose time with the children I get shot down.  I am living in a nightmare.  I want my children back.

Not Ready to Move On

I'm not ready to move on and I'm not ready for my spouse to move on either, especially not before we're divorced.  That is a low blow.  I made the decision a while back that I wouldn't date anyone while still married, so as to avoid the appearance of impropriety.  Wish I could say the same of the other person involved.  

I don't think people really just how traumatizing divorce is.  I feel like I'm in shock half the time.  I mean, I'm doing good, making progress and moving forward but it is in spite of incredible odds.  God has given me strength, sometimes just the strength for that day, often just for the moment.  I like the idea of one day at a time.  Sometimes I take it down to the hour, minute, second.  

I feel like I'm waiting for my life to start.  On one hand, it's in full swing, going full force.  On another hand, not having the children around all the time takes getting used to.  Honestly I will never get used to not being around my children all the time.  I am not at all pleased with their absence.  Working to change that is a process.  

I have a dream.  I have a dream for what I'd like my life to be like now that I'm alone and free.  I'm apprehensive about dreaming good things for myself.  I've been hurt so deeply that I used to not think that I deserved anything good.  I certainly wasn't treated with dignity and respect.  I know that I deserve to be treated like a human being, nicely.  I'll tell you what...I will never date a man who teases a lot.  I hate that.  That's how it all starts.  Then the little jabs and zingers.  Then he's putting you down over and over.

I wonder if someday God will bring someone special into my life.  Requirements:  must love kids, kittens and me above everything else in his life, except God.  Must treat me like a queen.  Must be patient with my hurting heart.  Must have similar beliefs in God, marriage, divorce, kids and everything else important.  I'm sitting here thinking that I'm never going to remarry...I'll probably just be old and alone and happy.  I want to be a grandma someday.  

I feel so free.  It's weird to be so happy.  I'm happy even though I'm sad.  I mean, I'm mourning the death of a relationship while being relieved to not be in it anymore.  When the children are with me, I am at home, at peace.  I feel then as if I'm fulfilling my purpose on this earth.  To be their mother.  I wanted nothing more.  I'm such a blessed girl. 

God, heal my broken heart and bring my children to me.

Getting Over

How long does it take you to get over the concept of divorce?  I mean, we're still going through it but I'm not entirely over the thing.  I feel in shock, like I've lost someone to a death.  The only thing is that it happens over and over again, with each time that I see him.  

Right now I can't imagine having a life after this.  I mean, I can't imagine ever falling in love again.  My heart has been hurt so extensively that I'm not sure it will ever recover.  That's just how I feel at this very moment but I believe that God is capable of healing my heart and someday bringing someone special into my life again.  Even thinking about the future, my romantic future, makes me stressed out.  

My big fear is that my current spouse will remarry and his new wife will want to be mom to my children.  I am secretely afraid that I will become obsolete.  I realize this is just my fear because everyone says that I'm their mom and am irreplaceable.  I know the kids too - they are mine.

Letting Go, Angels and the Great Architect Redraws my dreams

I'm letting go of the life I planned for me. and my dreams.  I'm losing control of my destiny. This is a giant leap of faith. Feeling the unknown. Beyond my comfort zone.  (song)

I love that song.  It so fits my life at this point.  I'm having to let go of the dreams I had for my life, my marriage and my family.  I'm allowing the master architect design new plans for me and my girls.  I have hope that there is hope.  

Music pulls me into it tonight, sitting here, alone, sad and baffled.  Baffled that someone who once loved me would continually hurt me over and over again.  Trying to wrap my head around that.  Remembering that I'm never really alone.  The Bible says that God puts angels around us.  I'm not one of those weird angel freaks but I do believe that God protects me through his angels.  I pray every night for my girls and I like to believe that God's got two angels parked over at the house sitting at the end of each girls' bed now as she sleeps.

Tonight I was beginning to feel hope for my future.  The "new normal."  I know that I am no longer the woman I once was.  God has created a new heart in me, one that is passionate about living.  One that is passionate for her family and for her friends and children.  It's very odd to try to describe what it feels like to be changed so radically from the inside out.  

Sometimes at night I wonder if God doesn't have something big for me.  Last night I was thinking that I'd like to write a book or be a speaker.  I'd like to speak to women who are struggling with depression, divorce and life struggles.  I want to be of service to others who are hurting like I hurt.  I wonder if God will do anything with that dream.  

I've got a trail to blaze.  My own.  There are so many things I'd like to do with my life.  I wonder if any of them will come to pass.  Mostly I just dream of being a good mom.  I AM a good mom.  I dream of having my children, buying a home someday and growing old.  At the end of my life slipping from this life to the next Great Adventure.

Writing has become my voice.  A voice that I don't feel like I've had for quite a while.  What I really want is to be God's voice to my children and the world.  "This is a life like no other.  This is the great adventure." - Steven Curtis Chapman

Big Day, Good Feeling

Long day.  Early morning until late at night.  Working.  Came home to a loving kitty cat who misses me when I work so long.  Too tired to do much, did some dishes, ran the dishwasher, etc.

Felt like I could conquer the world today.  I work hard every day in a job that's high-stress or at least fast paced.  It was such a feeling of accomplishment to work hard, to earn my money so that I can care for my children.

Yesterday was so incredibly stressful there are hardly any words to describe it.  God granted me the wisdom to keep my cool for the most part and state my position.  So hard.  I miss the man I used to be married to.  I mourn the loss of what we had.  I am sad for the life we are not going to have together.  I am sad at the brokenness of our little family.  As a friend of mine said to me, "everyone loses in divorce" and he's so right.  

I feel good on one hand and so incredibly sad on the other.  I'm not sure how I can ever wrap my head around the fact that I was once loved and cherished and over time I stop being loved.  What a deep blow to the heart.  Not sure my heart will ever recover from that.  

I feel numb.  I alternate between being sad, happy then numb.   God gives me the strength I need to face what is in front of me for the day.  I take it one day at a time.  Sometimes, one hour, one minute at a time.  

Must rest, so weary but am good overall.

Darkness and Pain in the Soul

Darkness in the soul....or should I say, darkness hovers over my head, threatening to destroy who and what I am.  I've never been through such an intense testing of who and what I am made of.  I've learned so much about me....and I realize that I like me.  I know that sounds funny but for a long time I didn't like me very much.  Outside factors influenced my perspective of myself more than they should have.

I know that God created me in His image, that He loves me like a parent loves a child.  For those of us who are parents, we get that kind of crazy love.  How it must pain Him to see His children hurting.  I'm in the middle of it, trying to figure out how God is moving in my life when it feels like He's absent sometimes.  I mean, my head knows better but my heart cries out to Him, to feel His presence.

There is no good result of this situation.  I mean, divorce is not God's plan or design.  The most that I can hope for is to use my experiences to help others toward Christ.   For me to help those who are hurting deeply with depression, divorce and other things would be rewarding.  Almost giving purpose to the pain.  The reality is there is no real purpose to pain.  It just is.  

Pain draws me to Christ.  It makes me want to know Him more.  Pain makes me yearn for Heaven.  Makes me yearn for more.  Pain gives me hope for something better.

OG, EG

My hands shook as I turned the key into my apartment.  You see, I just got home from being out.  I was just at a location where my heart got broken a while back, just one of the many times.  You see, today I saw the place where my husband told me that he "wasn't ready" to hold my hand.  I'll never forget it as long as I live.  Today I sat in my car, the power of the place washed over me and down my cheeks as the tears fell.  I mustered up the strength and walked around it to go into the building I had come to see.  

On my way out the tears were flowing down my face.  I almost walked around the spot where he had told me that.  I wanted to not feel it, to avoid it.  Who would blame me?  Then, a moment of courage flowed from Heaven and my feet began walking.  Closer, closer.  Do I dare?  Then I realized that if I am to take my power back I had to walk over the spot of my pain.  Closer, closer.  There, I've done it!  Tears readily flowed down my face.  I'm not sure but my head might be a little taller than it used to be.  

What seems like endless pain and hurt must be making me into something new.  I choose to believe that God is making me into something beautiful.  Or that maybe I'm already beautiful and He's just tidying up a bit.  

Hard to Invision my Future

Most of you know that I am unashamedly a Christian.  I believe that God is good, but I'm sure that I'm not the only one that wonders why He doesn't act like we want Him too.  Okay, pick up your chin from falling open, I know.  I've just said what we've all felt over the years.  I mean, isn't the question we all want to ask is : where is God when it hurts?  Why doesn't He fix it?  I mean, we all know that He is good.  Why couldn't He change the heart of my husband?

There, I've vented.  Having said that, I do not feel any better.  I know that God cares for me.  I've seen it in the past.  Over and over again.  But I feel like in the situation that meant the most to me, He seemed noticeably absent.  I'm mad that I have lost my family.  Or the family unit we once had.  So I sit here, alone, instead of in the arms of the one I used to love.  Where did it go wrong?  Where do I go from here?  

Everyone says I'm doing good and I am, for the most part.  For some reason, Saturday nights are hard for me.  It's then that I feel the most alone.  I also know that even though you might feel like it, no one ever died from being alone.  I know that I am never alone.  It just hurts sometimes.

Another Week

Another week has passed.  I'm another week older and I hope a lot wiser.  I am feeling stronger than ever, tough to the core.  It feels good.  Today is a big day at our house and I'm looking forward to it.  I can't wait to see the girls and have them here with me.  It's the only time I feel "home" - when they are with me.  

This morning, trying to get ready for today.  Getting the house ready.  Realizing that it won't be perfect.  Struggling with that fact.  Not sure where the need to be perfect comes from.  Probably a LONG time ago.

Still have an errand to do for today then it's GIRLS.  yea!  My best time of the week.

Mourning My Dreams, Dreaming New Ones

Hug your family tonight.  If you're married, grab your spouse and tell him or her how very much you love and cherish them.  Live life like there is no tomorrow because we're not promised a tomorrow.  Sing to your children.  Cherish them and savor your time with them.

Months ago I had a family of my own.  Now I don't.  I still have my children but I do not have a husband anymore.  My heart breaks because of that.  Sure it wasn't a good relationship toward the end but it wasn't always like that.

Tonight I'm mourning the death of my dreams for my life and for my future.  For a long time I just felt empty, without vision and without dreams for my future.  Then sometime along the way slowly God began to give me new dreams. They are still being revealed but I don't have that horrible feeling every second of every day anymore.  I do have it, just not as much.

Tonight my heart hurts for my loved one, my once husband.  I know he is hurting and I pray for him too.  Pray for those who persecute you the Bible says.  I mourn the loss of our love.  The beautiful love we had when we married.  I mean, he was my best friend.  Now I don't have that anymore.  

I'm so tired.  And it's a tired that I've never felt before, an all-body, heart sick, broken heart tired.  Somewhere under all of this I still trust God although I don't understand His ways or His plan right now.

Armed with the Armor of God

Today I felt so protected by God.  I have heard of people say before they could feel people praying and I always thought they were a bit crazy.   Until today.  I could feel prayers....and felt like God was watching over me, protecting me in a very real way.  Found out some old friends had been praying and that was so nice.  

What a day indeed!  Dealing with issues of the divorce were hard.  Hard was an understatement but now it's over and I'm feeling tired but strong.  God cares for me.  He's forgiven me my sins, as far as the east is from the west.  I am a new person, a new being.  And I have a future.....

a good future.......come what may.

It's not my Fault anymore

I am not the problem.  And I'm tired of being blamed for things that are simply not my fault.  After a real and genuine phone encounter with one of my girls in which she opened up about her feelings, my heart was sad for her.  She had gotten in trouble and gotten her feelings hurt by her dad and I was listening to it, trying not to judge him while listening.  Knowing there are usually two sides to kids' stories.  

So, wanting to make sure she was okay I asked to talk to her dad.  He then said she only gets like that when she's on the phone talking to ME.  The same old hurtful words coming out of his mouth, aimed toward me, aimed at my heart.  I have to let it go but first I needed to write about it!  

I'm letting it go.  I don't need his validation anymore.  I am living and acting right and being a great mom and I don't need any more of his mind games.  I wonder where we derailed.  I know that I am not the total cause of our divorce.  It took two people to break it.  It is not my fault.  

Choices

We all have choices in life.  I mean, yes, I believe in pre-determination.  But we still get choices....at least they are to us!  

I've gone through the gamut of emotions over the past many months and even just this past week.  I've gone from grieving to anger and back.  I'm realizing that I have a choice in how I react to this.  Sure I'm angry but if I STAY angry then the enemy wins.  Not just the "enemy" here on earth, also the enemy Satan.  

I keep coming back to the fact that I want to honor God.  I'm not sure how this situation honors God because right now I'm frustrated and mad at everyone and everything.  Perhaps I can pray for the strength to honor God in my situation.  

First we make the thought, THEN we have the emotion.  We are not prisoners of our emotions.  I've learned that the hard way!  :-)  I just want to be an honorable mom who teaches her girls how to be honorable women.  Oh how inadequate I feel for that task but I serve a very adequate and perfect Savior.   And I'm not alone.  I might be the only person in the room and in my house at this point but I am never alone.   I'm not alone.  

I'm not being selfish but I really want my children.  Frustrated at the way they are being raised, treated and think that it is not in their best interest.  I want them here with me.  I told X the little one had allergies and I gave her something for it.  He barely even paid attention to me.  I'm tired of being marginalized and ignored.  I'm through with him and with the way he treated me.  

Tried talking to him about this weekend, what to bring, etc.  He ignored me.  He treats me this way all the time.  He makes me feel like *&^).  I'm through with that.  

Beginning to think it is not in the kids best interest to grow up around that.  That's a big thought.  I was always perfectly okay with the idea of 50/50 and now I'm not sure.  Maybe that's just the angry part of me talking.  

How long am I to go on without my girls? How long?  I'm hopping mad tonight.

Something About A Long Day at Work

You know, I just finished my long day this week in which I work both jobs, totally 13 paid hours today.  Not including drive time, lunch and more drive time.  I'm beat tonight but it feels so good to be providing for myself and for my girls.   When I buy them something now it has even more meaning because I know that it took me X number of hours to earn it.  My whole outlook has changed.  

Had my first review at one of my jobs tonight and they gave me a whole nickel as a raise!  Ha.  I laughed out loud.  I was performing fine...it was just the 90 day review.  Guess in another year they do another one and the raise can be more.  I thought it was humorous.  It wouldn't even be a cost of living increase.  Then again, it's just a retail gig.  Workers are a dime a dozen, come fast leave faster.  Few stay so why compensate people when there are 10 people right behind them who want a job?  Especially in this economy.  I was just happy that they thought I was doing well.  I honestly didn't think I'd get any money for a raise.  It was funny.

My cat missed me today.  She was so happy to see me tonight when I just got home...she won't quit cuddling.  She's very affectionate for a cat.  I kinda like her.  She's been a good friend to me in the situation that I'm in.  My youngest is over the moon crazy for the cat.  She loves animals like me.  The oldest one likes our cat but not in the same way.  More like her dad in that way.  Funny.  

I feel good tonight.  I'm FREE and it feels good.  Gone are so many things that were not good.  I feel free now, free to be me, free to love my children in the way I want to, free to be the mom I was destined to be.  Free to be me.  This kind of freedom comes only from God.  I'm diggin it.

Someday

Someday I will be reunited with my children again fully.   Someday they will crawl into bed with me in the morning and say "hi mama!"  Someday I will be able to kiss them goodnight, night after night, like I used to.  

God, I am here on my knees, asking for help, pleading for your mercies.  I ask you from the bottom of my heart to heal my little family.  Even if that means being without my spouse.  I want to make a new family, the three of us girls.  

My heart hurts.  God please bring my children back to me. 

Special Time

Yesterday I got to spend special time with my youngest.  We just had the best time.  We colored while listening to Veggie Tales music, were able to just talk together, play outside and have a wonderful time.  It was sublime.  She and I are connected in a way that no one can tear apart.  She said something about a car and I said " X what would you do if you had a car?"  She immediately replied "I'd drive here to you mommy.  I don't know how to get here though."  I said "X my heart would tell you how to get here."  She smiled.  In times like that I know that I've still got their hearts and minds.  God blesses me at least with that!  

Unfortunately she wasn't allowed to spend the night but we still had a great time.  I love being a mom so much.  Oh, I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and for the first time ever she said "I want to be a mommy like you."  What a compliment.  

Dripping of Tear Ducts

Sobbing.  No words for the deep anguish I feel.  I feel broken.  I feel used.  I feel betrayed.  Where I used to have trust in other people now I have skepticism.  Knowing inside that God designed me for relationship with others which requires me to trust Him and to trust others.

Difficult to trust anyone, anything, anywhere or anytime right now.  Listened to a song about how we're God's treasures, we humans.  About how very much He loves us.  On one hand I feel His presence with me daily and on the other hand His presence is noticeably absent, or not in the way that I would want.   Whereas I have difficulty trusting others right now I still am able to dig into the reserves of my soul and trust my Maker, the one who created me with purpose and for a purpose.

Sobbing.  Deep hurt exploding out my tear ducts.  As my shoulders move up and down I know that God sees and is here with me.  I feel His presence.  I ponder what my purpose is on this earth.  I know that I was put here to be a mother to my girls.  I was destined to be their mom.  That much I know for sure!  Pondering what my greater purpose is at the moment.  Desperately wanting to show others the Jesus I know.  To introduce to them my redeemer.  The one who took my sin upon Him and died for me.  That sacrifice blows my mind.  A creator who died for His children.  As a parent I can understand the innate desire to do anything, anytime for your children.  Imagine how even more God must feel toward us.

Peace lands upon my shoulders and my tear ducts with just a drip or two of tears cascading dow my cheeks.  A peace that can only come from God.  

People are watching me go through this time of my life.  People at work wonder how I can do it.  Makes me even more energized to share Jesus with them.  I want them to see Jesus in me.  I guess I could say that I've found my greater purpose in life: I want them to see Jesus in me.  Someday on my gravestone they can put "Here lies XX (anonymous).  She loved God no matter what."

Be Still and Know that He is God

I'm sitting here, listening to Steven Curtis Chapman's song, "Be Still" and it haunts and infects me with holiness.  Be still and know that He is God.  Be STILL.  Be speechless.  

I think that if we come to God out of our place of quiet, our stillness, we are able to hear Him in a unique way.  

Be still and know that He is holy. Be still oh restless soul of mine; bow before the prince of peace -  let the noise and clamor cease.  Be still and know that He is God. Be still and know that He is faithful. Consider all that he has done stand in awe and be amazed and know that He will never change.  Be still.  (Steven Curtis Chapman)

I like the fact that He will never change.  Our lives change in so many ways, some good and some don't feel so good, like what I'm going through.  It is comforting to know that I have someone to go to who will not change.  He is the same yesterday, today and forever.  Now that's a love that I can believe in.  

So Weary

I'm so weary.  I want my children; I'm tired of being in limbo.  I've waited months and months hoping the spouse would become more reasonable with regard to visitation and he is not.  Instead he seems to be more protective.  

I want my children in my home.  I'm just so weary.  I'm more resolved than ever to fight for them.  I will fight to my last breath for those children.  

I almost said that I want my life back.  In reality I want the new life I'm making and I want to include them in on it.  I mean, I AM including them but I want more time with them.  Even in the divorce and now with the custody I am trying to be controlled and it makes me angry, makes me weary and makes me want to scream.  I WANT MY CHILDREN.

Monday

I had a really good day today.  I woke up feeling good, refreshed even (that was a nice change).  Hopped in the shower and got dressed.  Headed to the quick store for a pop, all the while enjoying the drip drip drip of the raindrops.  

Work was good.  I was on top of my jobs, organized and efficient.  My head was clear and I was able to concentrate on work and not on my private life.  It was nice.  Lunch was chicken fried rice take out from the Chinese place.  Eating in the car as the rain drizzled in the parking lot of an antique cemetary.  

The afternoon went smoothly and it was nice.  Drank Crystal Lite all afternoon, happily saving money from NOT buying Diet Coke.  

Tonight I just hung out, did clothes and talked to my girls on the phone.  Chatty Cathy was my eldest.  Talked of our dreams for the future.  She's so much like me and I love that.  

Ahhhhhh........

My Heart Hurts

Tonight my heart hurts but not for myself.  It hurts for my girls, my oldest specifically.  Tonight she lost it, I mean, an emotional breakdown.  She was so angry and mad at me.  Then I wouldn't let her go to bed angry and we sat and talked.  She said "I wanted you all day mommy.  I want you every day."   My daughter is trying to tell me something and I need to hear it loud and clear.  She needs me.  She needs more time with me.  I told her that I was trying to get more time with her but that it takes time.  I'm fed up, mad as hell and I want my children.  Tonight was the final straw.  

I'm so tired.  I just want what's fair.  I want to be a mother.  Since when did someone signing a petition for divorce make me less of a mom?  I'll fight to my dying day for these children.  No ONE and I repeat, NO ONE should get in the way of a mother's love for her children.   Nor should anyone underestimate my resolve in this matter.

Goodnight, 

Signed a Frustrated Mom

Free to be Me

..."I'm free to be me!" states one Christian song enthusiastically.  My heart resonates with the message because for the first time in a long time I feel FREE.  I feel free to be me.  The person I am is OKAY, I do not need to change, only to become more like Christ.  I am loved by Him just the way I am, crawling with knees bleeding to the cross where I'm laying me, my sins and my past on it.  Then there's this amazing GRACE that falls upon me, washes over me like this amazing warmth, this comfort.  You know, like the feeling you have when you're HOME.  

You see, for a long time I feel like I've lived trying to change all the time, to become something or someone I'm not for someone else.  It's a horrible thing.  I will NEVER ever change for someone else.  I mean, I might but it would be because I want to or because God wants me to.  

I do want change.  I now welcome it.  I welcome God's leading of my life.  You see, I got a little lost for a few years but I'm coming back now.  It's funny - I feel like I'm discovering everything anew, like a child for the first time.  Tonight I told my oldest daughter that she was just like me and that that was a very good thing.  I feel like my self esteem is back....it went to hell in a handbag for many many years.  

Writing is so cathartic.  I know one thing tonight and I shout it out for all to hear "I'M FREE TO BE ME!"

Saddle Up

Saddle up your horses.....this is the BIG ADVENTURE!  That song was on tonight as I drove away from my girls and my soon to be ex.  It was just what the Doctor ordered.  Tonight was an event at the oldest's school.  My spouse and I both came, for our oldest.  

As I drove off to the song blaring, I felt good.  I felt relieved and free.  I realized that God has a Big Adventure for me and I'm just fortunate enough to be part of it.  Sure, I was saddened by who and what I've lost but I know that God will be with me, step by step of my life.

For me it's about savoring each moment that I have with my children.  Making the most of our special moments together.  The other night when we got out of the car my littlest girl stated, "Mom, you're my best friend!"  It doesn't get any better than that.  My life has been an adventure up until this point and it continues to be a big adventure.  Led by the ultimate Tour Guide.

This is your Life

"This is your life, are you who you want to be?" the words of a popular Christian song haunt me tonight.  I can't get them out of my head.  So how would I answer my own question?  I am becoming who I want to be.  I am becoming who God wants me to be, more importantly.  

God is making me into a better woman and into a better mom.  I am no longer who I used to be.  I'm radically different.  Even my 7 year old thinks so!  And she likes the change.  That ruled.  It's not about being good for good's sake.  It's not about living a moral life, living by a code of ethics that sets one apart from the world.  It's about giving up.  Giving your control over to God.  Asking God to make you into who He wants you to be.  Being willing.  6 months later and I'm still willing.  God, make me into the woman you want.  Make me more like you.  Help others to see You when they interact with me, when they see the way I live, the way I work and the way I love my friends and family.

I'm willing.  Are you?

Thoughts

You know, tonight on the way home I was thinking about the situation that I'm in.  I thought about it a couple of ways.  Is it more of a situation where God takes a bad situation and makes it right?  Or is it more of a situation where it is all part of His plan.  I mean, this divorce is the result of our failures and sins.  It is not what God wants or designed at all.  But if God knows our days, each and every one, then this is all part of His plan.  I realized that I would not be the mom that I am now if I didn't have to go through this divorce.  

Not sure any of this made any sense.  I just know that the great I am, the one who loved me yesterday, today and forever is working in my life.  Making me more like Him each and every day.  I've experienced His grace and mercies every day.  They are new every morning.  

For the first time in a very long time I am starting to like the person that I am.  I have hated myself for such a long time.  It is nice to know that I have worth, to myself, to my children, to my family, my friends and to my Lord.  The love of my girls is what I've needed to heal my heart.  

God Uses People

I do believe that we're God's agents down here on earth.  We are His representation to those who don't know Him or to those that need reminding.  

Blown away today by an old friend become new (thanks Facebook) again.  Talked, prayed, giggled.  Encouraged.  You know who you are!  Thanks for lifting me out of the mire and into His light.

Arranged Marriages

You know, tonight my thought is this:  I think we should all go back to the system of arranged marriages.  Might work.  Just a thought! Your thoughts?

Not Sure about Love

I'd like to say that I still believe in love.  As I said, I'd like to say that.  I'm just not sure.  I can't imagine ever loving another.  

People want to know if I'm looking and the answer is no.  I can't even think about that.  I am going to get my life in order first.  So much to do, so much for God to heal and fix.  

I don't get it.  When I got married my spouse's family became my own.  We were close, often writing each other every day.  Got together for dinner, lunch and get togethers.  Now that my spouse has filed for divorce of course they rally around their family member and I get that on one level.  The other side of me thinks: did I ever really have a REAL relationship with those people?  This divorce has made me question everything.  I miss my extended family intensely.  Of course I hope that I will keep in touch after we divorce but the realistic side of me doubts that's possible.

Family.  What a complicated thing.  They are the glue that binds you to others.  I love my family.  We are a bunch of broken but amazing people.  I would die for any member of my family in a heartbeat.  Yet sometimes I feel like I'm completely misunderstood by my family.  I was sharing my feelings about a situation that happened between my spouse and I this week and my family member thought I was being a victim.  I was thinking, wow, we are having real and honest communication and I'm able to share my hurts with him.  I am SO NOT A VICTIM.  Does being disappointed with the way things have turned out make me a victim?  No, to me that's real, honest.   Does being a little disillusioned with things make me a victim?  No, that makes me real, honest.

I feel frustrated sometimes because I just want to scream.  Sure I have the support of friends and family but no one is in my shoes and as much as people try (and they do try with such good intentions) they will never know what it is like to be me.   Sometimes people who are hurting just want to hear someone say, "I'm sorry you're going through that."  We don't always want answers.  We want empathy on a base level.

Okay I'm rambling so I will sign off.  This post makes me sound a little jaded.  

Who do I want to be?

Big change takes big courage.  It also takes a great amount of stamina.  A lot of us wish that we could just close our eyes, blow out a candle on a birthday cake and we would get our wish.  I know for me, in my life, change sometimes comes through great pain.  I mean, do we ever change on our own volition?  Or do we feel compelled to change because we feel pain of some sort?  

As much as I'd like to avoid pain just like the next guy, I have realized over the years that God can use our pain to make us more like Him.  To make us more into His image.  Feeling intense pain can cause us to look at what needs to change and evaluate how we're going to change.  For me, that means asking God to do the changing.  

So here I sit, in the middle of intense pain in my life saying "God, change me".  I really mean it.  If I have to go through this pain I hope that He'll bless me with some change.  Change that comes from pain is like a gift.  And we never forget where we learned it from because it comes at a great cost.

Pangs of Intense Sadness

I know why a lot of men and women who are divorced are bitter.  It's because they have been through intense sadness.  I'm going through intense sadness and it comes at the oddest of times.  When driving, I often break down in tears.  In church I can't keep a dry eye.  

I've vowed one thing: I will not become a bitter woman who has been scarred by divorce.  I pray forgiveness upon my spouse.  

I wake up everyday and think to myself "this is a nightmare."  I literally think that - it's the first thought in my head every single day after I wake up and rub the sleep out of my eyes.   Somedays after that I think "this is the day that the Lord has made."  It's about choosing.  It's about being brave enough to NOT want revenge or hurt upon the one I love.   It's about being brave enough to face a life of unknowns.  My whole world was turned upside down the day he told me he wanted a divorce.  The day I left the house to come here was the scariest thing that I've ever done.  

You know what I want more than anything?  When I get to Heaven, I want to hear God say "well done my good and faithful servant."  That would be the crowning point of my life.  And to see my family there too, now THAT would be a life worth living.

You've Changed Mom

Last night we three girls were sitting at Applebee's having chicken tenders, grilled cheese and a salad.  My oldest out of the blue states to me "Mom, you've changed."  I said "well what do you mean?"  She said "You do things now you didn't used to do."   So I asked "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"  She said "a good thing!"  And that was the end of it.  

God is Bigger than the Battle

Heard a song tonight on the radio on my way home, said something about God being bigger than the battle.  That resonated with me.  I feel like I'm in a battle and have been for a couple of years.  The battle was for my marriage and unfortunately I'm losing.  I feel like it was a spiritual battle too.  

I like the concept that God's bigger than anything we struggle with down here.  That our most complicated of human situations is simple to Him.  

I often feel an intense yearning for Heaven.  I long to walk on gold streets.  I long for a body that's not riddled with one ailment or another.  I long for a mind that's not bothered by bipolar disorder.  Heck, maybe when we get to Heaven God will heal my family too!  I got to share the gospel with my girls this past weekend and my oldest said she believed.  It was precious.  The little one is still young and learning.  She is interested in God though and we talk about Him and His Son, Jesus, all the time.  She prays the most beautiful prayers at dinner too.

I'm sure many thought that I would fracture under the stress of this divorce.  What it's shown is my frailty but God's power working through my frailty.  His grace that covers my sins and His forgiveness that offers a clean slate and a chance at a fresh new life.  

Without God there would be no reason to live.   Someone told me the other day that now God would be my husband.  I think that's what married Christian people just tell us soon to be divorced gals to make us feel better.  It's a nice thought but the cliche of it makes me a little sick.

Modesty

Three days ago I was standing in the toy aisle(s) at Target,  looking to buy a Barbie for my girls.  I was frustrated at the apparent immodesty of Barbie's swimsuit collection, only bikini's.  I decided against buying them one because it didn't fit with what I thought was appropriate.  

So then I asked the girls to bring their Barbies from their dad's house to my house so we could play.  I realized tonight when I walked by them that there are two bikini clad Barbies on my floor.  They must have been the ones their grandma gave them for Christmas.  I feel frustrated because I am not there to filter what my kids see/do.  Then I feel silly because in the big scheme of things, it is, after all, only a bathing suit.  

Then I decided that I was right the first time.  I have a definite sense of what I think is good for my girls and I need to stick with my gut.  I'm thinking the two Barbies in question might go visit the top shelf of my bedroom.  Then after they are forgotten they will go bye bye. 

Call me crazy.  I like to think that I'm the protector of my daughter's innocence and purity.  God gave me that job and I take it seriously.  I'm the MOM and that's what I do.

Aim Higher

Tonight I walked into my room and thought to myself "am I ever going to be happpy?"  I then sat down and thought about it a little.  I realized that I was aiming too low.  That happiness is not what I want, but JOY is.  You see, to have happiness it is related to people, places and/or things.  Joy, on the other hand, is possible and is NOT related to people, places and/or things.  

Joy is something that comes from a much deeper place.  I believe the only true source of joy is from God.  Only He could provide a state of being called joy that's not connected to the "mundane" - the things down here.  Joy is a taste of heaven in my opinion.  I believe that in heaven we will have eternal joy when we worship at the feet of the Father.  

So tonight I'm aiming higher, I'm praying for JOY.   I also know the SOURCE of all JOY, God.  

Choosing

Tonight was especially hard on me.  My littlest didn't want to come over, she wanted to stay with her daddy.  We got her in the car eventually but it ripped out my heart.  Her actions scream how much she's hurting and it's the only way she can express it.  Once she got to my house she was fine.  She even talked about God and how he's going to help us get a house and a new car!  Sweet.

I got to thinking about choosing.  How we choose to love others even when they don't love us.  That amazing thing we do as parents sometimes.  I think about how God chose to love us by sending His Son Jesus to die.  Jesus who CHOSE to give his life away, to take our place on that cross.  

We hear the phrase "life's about choices" a lot from pop psychologists.  Their choices, the ones they talk about, surely affect our daily lives.  There is so much more.  We get to choose Jesus!  We either accept or reject what He did on the cross and what that means for us.  

So yes, life's about choices.  I pray for wisdom all the time.  Wisdom to make the right choices for me and for my girls.  Wisdom to lead them in life and toward God.  Life's about a lot of little choices, some big.  Making good decisions every day as I work toward my goals.  

9 years ago today

9 years ago today I got all dressed up in my wedding gown and walked down the aisle in front of about 75 of my friends and family.  I stood up before God and my people to declare my love for my husband.  

Fast forward 9 years.  I worked all day then went out for dinner with my folks.  It is harder to deal with than I first thought.  I want to say that it doesn't bother me, that it's just another day in the calendar but I ask you: is YOUR anniversary, birthday, etc just another day in your calendar?  I think not.  For me, I'm still married legally and that means that I'm in a weird situation.

I'm not all down in the dumps depressed, just sad.  I miss my family and my life with my husband.  No, I don't miss some of it.  Of course not.  

So I have a choice in the matter.  Live or dwell.  I choose to live.  One day at a time.  

Writing

People keep telling me that I should write a book so I decided to start a blog.  I want to keep it private so I'd appreciate your not sharing it without telling me first.  Unless you're SURE I wouldn't care.  

I have thought about writing a book for a couple of years now.  I've had several people tell me that I should.  I have felt like I am going to explode for years now due to the stuff in my brain wanting to come out!  

So welcome to my blog, to my thoughts about life, God, family, health and more.

Torn

Flesh of my flesh torn from my grip tonight yelling "Mommy, mommy, mommy I love you."  Heart breaking, unbelievable sadness pervades my soul.  A hole that only God can fill.  

When they leave me after their time with me my heart breaks every single time.  We were meant to be together and nothing can change that.  I tell them what I can to heal their hearts but ultimately have to leave them in God's care.  Wanting to hold them, to cuddle with them and tell them "nice things." Wanting them to know that mommy didn't choose to leave them, that she wants to be with them and isn't allowed.  

Tired of being reasonable.  Frustrated with the system, with attorneys and with the whole process.  I want my children NOW.  Not in a month, not in 6 months.  NOW.  I want to help them heal, to start a new life.

Tomorrow is my wedding anniversary.  My heart is torn between unrequited love, the kind that I meant when I said "I do" and extreme sadness and pain because I know that we will never be together again unless God does a miracle.  

Tomorrow is another day and I march on.  I choose not to be bitter.  I choose LIFE.

Two Days

In two days from now it is my wedding anniversary.  It is meant to commemorate the happiest day of my life.  I have three happiest days.  The day I got married and the days each of my girls were born. 

So I sit here,  two days from d-day.  In the middle of a divorce although still legally married.  Just thinking about my anniversary causes me to tear up.  I feel an intense sadness that this marriage failed, that my husband wanted out.  

Wonder what I should get myself for my anniversary?  Maybe take myself out?  I'm going to try hard to not be pitiful that day.  I can't help myself a little though.  I miss my husband and wish that my family was still intact.  

Tonight my heart is hurting but at the same time I have peace.  I have peace that God has a bigger plan for me, one that I don't understand.  One that includes me being a single mom.  That realization tears me up.  I wanted nothing more my whole life than to grow up, be married and have children.  One man, one marriage, for life.  That is what I vowed on my wedding day.  Until death do us part.  Now some judge is going to separate what God brought together.  I can't help but wonder the everlasting ramifications of that.  

The Cost and Joy of Freedom

This morning I heard a saying, completely from Hollywood, about a slave.  The white man asked the black slave "what would you do with freedom?"  And even though I'm not going through a life or death situation, divorce and the life thereafter is like freedom in a way.  I am gaining freedom but it's not the type that I wanted or even dreamed of.  You see, I wanted to be married to one man, forever.  Until death do us part.  That idea was shattered  when my husband sat me down one day and stated that he had filed for divorce the day before.  

That's another story.  Today it's been about 6 months and I'm making my way in this world.  I'm having to realize that the freedom I have now is not only what I didn't want, it could also be a blessing in a way.  God's going to take a bad situation and redeem it and me.  He's changed me from the inside out, I am no longer the same woman.